The feeling a teen gets at the prospect of having their crush like them back, I thought it was lost to me forever. I didn’t feel excited at the thought of companionship or marriage. Even the thought of it was enough to make me feel low and worried. I mean, marrying an unknown person and leaving your home and family to live with total strangers can be overwhelming, that is, if you are a human-with normal feelings. I have always been a hopeless romantic at heart, that’s something I could do nothing about (as if!).
I’ve seen so many married people suffer after marriage and so many unmarried people, including myself, suffer because people just won’t leave us alone and happy with our freedom. Oh, well! Nothing I can do about that really. My married friends tell me not to get married and I don’t feel especially giddy about the prospect of marriage myself.
And then, there are a few moments, exceptions-if I may call them. Moments, when I do want to marry. Moments, when I see two people complementing each other so perfectly that even the bystanders can’t help but look with love in their eyes. I’m talking about married couples who act less than husband and wife, and have more of a best friends kind of relationship. Ah, they are my absolute favorites.
When such a couple is in trouble, the empath inside me, wants to be the hero and fix them and save the day even though it’s not my job. But the fights, the drifting apart, the breaking-up; it just stirs up the hopeless romantic in me and pushes me to do something for them. One of my favorite couples is currently going through major crisis and I don’t like it even one bit. Urgh!
Anyway, this just isn’t about that. This is about me, feeling things I thought I had suppressed deeply, a long time ago. Seeing such couples, makes me want to have my own love story written and acted out. I don’t just want to be someone who vicariously lives through the experiences of others or some decent epic romance novels. I mean, I’m an empath, not a pervert. Anyway, I feel absurd writing this down, but there’s this guy, (because there’s always a guy behind things that you pretend not to feel but want to feel when nobody is looking and then you feel guilty for feeling that way)- no, I’m not talking about Burak Deniz, my new celeb crush of sorts. I’m talking about a normal, regular human being (though not sure about him being normal or regular).
Okay, clearly, I’m ranting but bear with me a bit longer. Because I’ve obviously forgotten how to do this, how to express strong emotions (it’s been a long while). Oh yes, the guy! He might end up being my husband some day, who knows. The thought of being with someone absolutely terrifies me, except, oddly enough, I feel less terrified when I think about being with him. I thing this is crazy. Super crazy! Because:
1. I have never talked to him or seen him in person.
2. I don’t really know what kind of person he is.
3. I’m NOT A TEENAGER anymore!!!
4. I should be freaking out, WHY AM I NOT FREAKING OUT???!!!
Okay, I think I’ve gotten pretty good at not showing my freak-outs and I don’t know but perhaps this feeling of ease is because, I might have finally found my “happily-ever-after-with-lotsa-fights-and-making-up-afterwards-person.” And yes, I want to annoy the hell out of him, for the rest of my life. This thought makes me happy inside. Am I going bonkers? Because, this can’t be normal. Any thoughts or expert opinions?!
I mean, for more than a decade, I have been repulsed by the idea of feeling good about marriage (perhaps because desi mums overdo with the importance of getting married) , even though, normal girls become very happy when they or their parents find someone to marry them with. I felt grossed out by the topic. One main reason was that my mum used to find all those people who exist in this universe that were NOT my type. In fact she found the polar opposites of it. It just drove me insane and marriage lost all it’s charm and attraction for me. I felt irritated and disinterested evrytime the topic of my marriage started. I mean, seriously peeps, give it a rest already! When the right person comes along, I’d say yes in a heartbeat. Not a single moment before that, NO!
But this champ is different (if my bestie sees this, she might kill me, for calling him a champ-she’s kinda hating him, and he’s totally to blame), more like my type of person. He comes with a promise of a challenge. The thought of him, possibly being more of a challenge than I anticipated, terrifies me but doesn’t discourage me.
Yes, there is always the fear of the unknown, weighing down on my nerves but then again, I have not yet given up on life and don’t intend to. I do feel a bit lost because it’s a new territory for me. But I feel hopeful as well. All my thoughts, ramblings, excitement and fears are very premature because I have never met the guy, never talked to him. I have only heard of him. I don’t know why, but somehow, this feels right. And from my past experiences, I have learned to listen to my gut feeling because it has been right on so many other occasions.
I am just happy that I feel all these emotions again. This is one person who has inspired a sense of adventure and excitement in me, related to marriage, even without lifting a finger. I’d like to move forward and see where things lead us but there is still some time to wait, before he can come home from abroad, so fingers crossed!
I didn’t plan on writing so much but the words just gushed out, wanting to be visible. Oh, well!
Until next time…….