Diary Entry: The Downward Spiral

Dear diary,

This year has been a disaster, from the start. The Pandemic tearing the families apart, extroverts being forced into social distancing, introverts being forced to live in quarantine with extroverts around; the recent colonel’s wife fiasco, an elaborate scheme to defame our beloved armed forces; the PIA plane crash just days before Eid; Indians making insensitive comments on social media about both incidents….. I dunno why, it just seems that our end is near. Makes me wonder, where is humanity going? Why is it seeping out of us all?

I would never blame a whole country or nation for the abrasiveness of a few. Pakistan does have some crude people, and so does every country but to be happy on someone’s death…. Well, its downright cruel.

And as for the Armed forces defaming incident, hey! I’m an army brat, and we aren’t what that woman made us to be. We don’t think we are better than anyone. We don’t think that only the civilians need to obey laws or that we are above them somehow. The actions of one sub-standard person do not, and I repeat, DO NOT represent military families. We get disciplined for stepping out of the line, more so than other children. We are taught morals and values and are expected to follow them. Actions of one bad person do not put us all in the same category. Period.

As someone who has been positive even in the face of negativity mostly, I suddenly feel slightly leaning towards negative now. I feel tired. Tired of cruelty the people show each other. Tired of the constant disregard of people towards each other. Tired of having arguments with people around me. Tired of being idle. Tired of existing……

I want to leave. This world of technology and misery, to find some quiet place where nobody would bother me. Where bad news won’t find me. Where I won’t have to look at the cruelty with which we have slaughtered our humanity. Where nobody would think that the more they use profanity and curses, the cooler they are. Where the youth won’t record absurd tiktok videos or waste their precious time playing PUBG.

I want to look for peace, in far off mountains, under dense forest trees, away from all the heartbreak this world seems to be currently offering. The end of this world, just seems around the corner. For some, it came yesterday for some it might be today, tomorrow or the day after…..

I don’t know how to end this on a positive note today. So I can only pray, that the things end well, whenever they do. And that people see some sense before its too late and the damage is irreparable.

Dear diary,

It’s been ages since I last wrote. I’ve lost so much of me. I’m not different but apparently I am different now. Life just seems to be dragging on but I’m also not ready for the death art yet because I have been too far away from the right path lately. I can’t seem to get motivated to do the right thing anymore, even amidst a pandemic outbreak. I know I need to come back to the right track but don’t know how to, anymore.

I’ve got a new job and I still don’t feel satisfied. There are just too many things and ideologies that my employers have that I don’t agree with, which keeps me frustrated from time to time. But I’m just biding my time because it’s better than the alternative of sitting idle at home and going absolutely bonkers.

SIST 2020 was both fun and a bit of a disappointment. They have astrayed far from its original purpose so it wasn’t as re-enervating and spiritually connecting as it used to be. That was a huge disappointment. They took away the age limit this year so that was one positive point. It used to give me a big dose of spirituality and motivation for life, so I’m still craving for it this year because this year, SIST failed me in that department. Perhaps that the reason, combined with several others, that I feel such lack of energy and enthusiasm for life. If I wasn’t afraid of ending up in hell, I might’ve welcomed death. (I said might’ve! I’m still pretty sure I don’t wanna die yet.)

I do realise this post is more towards the negative side than the positove one but I just needed to get things off my chest. I guess we all have some rougher than usual patches in life that we need to endure and make sense of. I’m not any different. But since I have said all that was troubling my mind, I’m sure now that it was the right thing to do and a step towards positivity. I’m sure I would soon be getting better, in sha Allah. I just hope that this is just not a wishful thinking.

Anyway, I’m off to Islamabad and typing in a moving bus is making me nauseous. So, until next time…..

Cíao!

On the roads that lead to nowhere

The way is long, the path uneven.
A lone traveller, tried and driven.
Unchartered roads, dark and dank.
Life’s new chapter, pages blank.
Scared inside, anxious, terrified.
With every desire to run and hide.
A journey taken by so many before,
But the voyager can’t help abhor.
All that this wanderer needs,
To make this journey ever so sweet;
Perhaps, an ally close to the heart.
Dauntless, determined, street-smart.
A constant, confidant, a bestie.
Hand in hand even when life is testy.
A journey with the heart’s consent,
Will make the wayfarer feel content.

Diary Entry: Hope

 

You know one of those times, when words fail you because you are being too emotional?! This isn’t one of those times for me. I’ve spent so long, being miserable when things didn’t go my way or when I wanted to write but a bad case of writer’s block had  my words and senses in a knot. Nothing has changed tonight either. I’ve just mustered up enough courage to write again. Its been so long since I wrote last. I’ve missed this feeling of elation inside. I’ve missed my voice, my words. In real world, things have gone for the worse. My words have lost meaning. I’ve lost a LOT of my positivity and enthusiasm for life.
People keep telling me life is hard. I believe it not to be true. Its the people who make even the simplest of things harder. I’ve made a habit of detoxifying my life of such toxic people but the culture I’ve been born and raised in, doesn’t allow some of those people to be entirely cut off from my life. So, I’m just waiting for a time when I would be able to leave all of this behind and focus ahead without being afraid that someone would put a foot on my cape the moment I got the power to fly.
I know, I know. I’m a dreamer. I dream of freedom. I plan and plan and plan until I’m exhausted. The more I try building myself up, the worse the blows get. Sometimes I get so tired of it all. But I try not to write of such unhappy thoughts.
I have hit the rock bottom of my worse self. I don’t know how to pick myself back up, without losing important parts of me in the process. But looking back towards the kind of person I was even 5 years ago, I cannot help but sigh. All that energy, all that chaos has gone poof! All that remains is a rotten shell that bacteria probably eat away at. Maybe, it would make the bacteria sick or maybe the bacteria would successfully decompose it and mix it with soil to help create new life. Ugh! I can only hope!!!
Okay, enough of the unhinged talk. I just happened to read something I wrote the last time here. I almost didn’t recognise the “me” who typed those words. It felt as if I was writing to soothe myself, which perhaps was the case. I almost didn’t recognize my own words because they were adorned with a light sprinkle of humor. Light within the darkness. This has been me all along. I understand it now. Its a part of me. I just have to dig inside and find it again. I just have to keep faith and hope…

The Downward Up

It’s a wonder, how your body forgets that it’s in pain when your heart starts aching. All other pains seem to numb out when the core, the centre is throbbing. And without a buffer (like your little niece’s adorable smiling face and laughing eyes around you,) you succumb to a bit of tear shedding (secretly of course!) after an immense failed effort to get a hold of those crazy little things called emotions. Yeah well, I’ve had that kind of a day. First part of it sucked totally. But then my cousin came and once we started talking, I started feeling not so awful anymore until just now, when she’s gone and I just happened to see a video of my little niece’s first laughter. I missed it and right now, I hate myself and everyone else. She isn’t home and I miss her so much, it hurts!!!

I just asked my madam to give me something to do. A research related homework. Yup, I’m that unhinged (slash desperate). It’s been a dull couple of months for me. I’ve come home and have been waiting for my research viva to actually happen. My brain and ears feel fried after non-stop proposal talk at home. Either it’s that or compliments from mum telling me how lazy and a worthless piece of junk I am. Sometimes its so hard not to take offense. No matter how true some words are, they hurt like hell. And then usually the rest of the days I spend struggling with my need to be numb and trying to not tell my folks to buzz off when they would continuously disrupt my little world of numbness inside my head by asking things that require for me to answer them back when I just don’t have the energy to think anything to say.

*Sigh*

Yeah, sometimes it’s hard being an only introvert in a family full of extroverts! But no matter how hard they tend to make my life, in the end when I need someone to put a smile on my face, they are usually the ones who are there to cheer me up in their own weird way…..

Ah, the Comeback!

Or rather a little bit of an effort at doing so.

It’s been so long since I wrote last. So long in fact that I don’t even remember when I wrote last time. perhaps a year ago……. I don’t know. And I’m too lazy to check it.

Anyway, a 14 year old motivated me to write again. She’s the sweetest little thing ever! I don’t really know her but it feels like I do. I’ve been thinking of writing again for a long while but its as if all my will to do so and my motivation for writing took a hike. A long one at that!

Its good to be back even though I don’t know if I would be doing this with any consistency. I just wanted to acknowledge the presence of a special 14 year old in my life. Welcome little “Special agent Derek Bobson!” You have been a beam of light in my otherwise dull and frustrating life recently. And I appreciate that more than you can ever imagine!

Closed Doors

“When one door closes, another opens,” I’ve heard it so many times. Oh, I so want it to be true, especially right now. Things have been on a downward spiral for me. My beloved madam left the university and I didn’t even get to meet her before she left. I applied for a job that perfectly suited me (the introvert side of me), I got a call from there today telling me to join them on training on coming Saturday. This news would have been a silver lining to my dark cloudy sky but it didn’t comfort me because my father isn’t permitting me to join.

I spent over half of my life, thinking I wasn’t good enough. Loads of self-criticism can sometimes do that to you. And instead of judging people, I judge myself- A LOT. And then there was my mum, telling me I didn’t do anything good with my life and I couldn’t do anything good because I told her I wasn’t teaching material. Thank to my introversion again, public speaking has never been my thing. I’ve tried and failed miserably. Not including presentations in the class, I used to ace them but that’s not the point. According to her, if I can’t teach, it means I can’t do anything. I always tend to ignore such negative remarks or fight about them but sometimes, in some weak moment, when I hear something like this, it stays with me. Being an introvert has never been easy mainly because nobody else in my family or even in my relatives, is an introvert. So people don’t understand what they aren’t even aware about. After studying about these personality types, I slowly started telling people about them and letting them know that it wasn’t any disorder or disease, that it was normal.

Anyway, I haven’t been able to do any further work on my research, ever since my supervisor told me to increase it’s length. So, my life is a big disappointment for me right now and nobody would let me change it even though I want it to. I applied for a job because I wanted my life to be meaningful. I wanted to feel that my life was worth living, that I wasn’t another average ordinary “female” whose sole duty is to do household chores. I know that’s what my parents want to see- me, married and happy. What they don’t realize is, marriage might never make me happy. To leave one place where nobody wants to let you do with your life as you please and end up in another place where the same thing is going to happen, only the person passing orders would be different this time…..there’s nothing attractive for me in that kind of life.

I dunno what’s gonna happen but I hope all these wrong doors would close on me and the right one would open soon before I go insane!