The Downward Up

It’s a wonder, how your body forgets that it’s in pain when your heart starts aching. All other pains seem to numb out when the core, the centre is throbbing. And without a buffer (like your little niece’s adorable smiling face and laughing eyes around you,) you succumb to a bit of tear shedding (secretly of course!) after an immense failed effort to get a hold of those crazy little things called emotions. Yeah well, I’ve had that kind of a day. First part of it sucked totally. But then my cousin came and once we started talking, I started feeling not so awful anymore until just now, when she’s gone and I just happened to see a video of my little niece’s first laughter. I missed it and right now, I hate myself and everyone else. She isn’t home and I miss her so much, it hurts!!!

I just asked my madam to give me something to do. A research related homework. Yup, I’m that unhinged (slash desperate). It’s been a dull couple of months for me. I’ve come home and have been waiting for my research viva to actually happen. My brain and ears feel fried after non-stop proposal talk at home. Either it’s that or compliments from mum telling me how lazy and a worthless piece of junk I am. Sometimes its so hard not to take offense. No matter how true some words are, they hurt like hell. And then usually the rest of the days I spend struggling with my need to be numb and trying to not tell my folks to buzz off when they would continuously disrupt my little world of numbness inside my head by asking things that require for me to answer them back when I just don’t have the energy to think anything to say.

*Sigh*

Yeah, sometimes it’s hard being an only introvert in a family full of extroverts! But no matter how hard they tend to make my life, in the end when I need someone to put a smile on my face, they are usually the ones who are there to cheer me up in their own weird way…..

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Ah, the Comeback!

Or rather a little bit of an effort at doing so.

It’s been so long since I wrote last. So long in fact that I don’t even remember when I wrote last time. perhaps a year ago……. I don’t know. And I’m too lazy to check it.

Anyway, a 14 year old motivated me to write again. She’s the sweetest little thing ever! I don’t really know her but it feels like I do. I’ve been thinking of writing again for a long while but its as if all my will to do so and my motivation for writing took a hike. A long one at that!

Its good to be back even though I don’t know if I would be doing this with any consistency. I just wanted to acknowledge the presence of a special 14 year old in my life. Welcome little “Special agent Derek Bobson!” You have been a beam of light in my otherwise dull and frustrating life recently. And I appreciate that more than you can ever imagine!

Closed Doors

“When one door closes, another opens,” I’ve heard it so many times. Oh, I so want it to be true, especially right now. Things have been on a downward spiral for me. My beloved madam left the university and I didn’t even get to meet her before she left. I applied for a job that perfectly suited me (the introvert side of me), I got a call from there today telling me to join them on training on coming Saturday. This news would have been a silver lining to my dark cloudy sky but it didn’t comfort me because my father isn’t permitting me to join.

I spent over half of my life, thinking I wasn’t good enough. Loads of self-criticism can sometimes do that to you. And instead of judging people, I judge myself- A LOT. And then there was my mum, telling me I didn’t do anything good with my life and I couldn’t do anything good because I told her I wasn’t teaching material. Thank to my introversion again, public speaking has never been my thing. I’ve tried and failed miserably. Not including presentations in the class, I used to ace them but that’s not the point. According to her, if I can’t teach, it means I can’t do anything. I always tend to ignore such negative remarks or fight about them but sometimes, in some weak moment, when I hear something like this, it stays with me. Being an introvert has never been easy mainly because nobody else in my family or even in my relatives, is an introvert. So people don’t understand what they aren’t even aware about. After studying about these personality types, I slowly started telling people about them and letting them know that it wasn’t any disorder or disease, that it was normal.

Anyway, I haven’t been able to do any further work on my research, ever since my supervisor told me to increase it’s length. So, my life is a big disappointment for me right now and nobody would let me change it even though I want it to. I applied for a job because I wanted my life to be meaningful. I wanted to feel that my life was worth living, that I wasn’t another average ordinary “female” whose sole duty is to do household chores. I know that’s what my parents want to see- me, married and happy. What they don’t realize is, marriage might never make me happy. To leave one place where nobody wants to let you do with your life as you please and end up in another place where the same thing is going to happen, only the person passing orders would be different this time…..there’s nothing attractive for me in that kind of life.

I dunno what’s gonna happen but I hope all these wrong doors would close on me and the right one would open soon before I go insane!

Diary Entry: Journey

Dear diary,

I’m on my way to home after wasting two weeks entirely. I’ve been procrastinating my research work on peak. I’ve hit the bottom of the pit of lack of motivation. All I keep thinking about is my novel, which I haven’t written a single word of, after completing 3 chapters. The problem with that is that I keep thinking about the climax points of the book. I’m very much clear on those parts. I’ve even thoughts about the dialogues and every single detail for those chapters. It’s the initial chapters that would lead the story towards those chapters that I am having trouble with. I mean, I want to write them as well and like a normal human being, proceed in the right order of the novel, from start to end but I guess, by now, we all know that there is nothing about me that yells “this person is normal!” Yes, I know, I’m not normal. I’m the very definition of abnormal- not even special kind of abnormal.

*sigh*

My next war has already started. I want to join mindbridge; a call centre, for a job that they offered. The job was perfect as it was a written one. Online chats and email related and I totally aced both my interviews but my family wont let me join, which is frustrating. Let’s be honest here. I don’t do the talking. I know I can talk, I can talk really well if I try a little but talking just isn’t my kind of thing. I can write better and I’m sure that my fingers work in sync with my mind but my tongue just refuses to comply most of the times. Mum has labelled it as lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she’s right. But I blame my introversion. Even though I know very well that it’s not a disease but it’s who I am, I still don’t want to come out of my comfort zone when it comes to talking. Mum wants me to take some teaching job back in my hometown but teaching is just not my thing. Talking is a big no for me, duh!

People keep stressing that I should be married by now. But it’s not on my to do list right now. I have to stand once again for a chance at further studies. Yes, I don’t want to quit just yet. I never wanted to study more than ADCP because it was the minimum requirement for joining armed forces and I’ve been crazy passionate about armed forces all my life. I just wanted to end up there, still do. But it’s not enough now. Thanks to my beloved head of department Now I want to gain a PhD and perhaps a post-doctoral degree as well (and people want to kill me for being so difficult and not getting married already)

People have this common notion in Pakiland that those who do a PhD, go partially insane. No worries there as I’m pretty sure, I already am partially insane. Anyway, I know, each step towards that goal- insanity or no insanity- means waging another war at home. But everyone knows its really hard to sway me once I have made up my mind. Let’s see what happens.

I miss my stupid friends very much these days. Been dropping subtle hints in the form of poetic verses but they don’t seem to get the idea. But then again, I feel like kicking them out of my life for not realizing that I’m trying to talk to them. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, do they even remember me, do they even miss me or am I the only one…. And when waiting for them to get the hint becomes too much, I just feel like throwing them out of my contact list, for abandoning me and leaving me with my stupid toxic thoughts even though they knew fully well that I’m a person who thinks a LOT!!! Hate you peeps for that! I dunno, I might just erase myself from your lives completely because it hurts to see your names and not talk to you but remember all the fun times we spent together. Feels like another lifetime. And I’ve been very loyal to you idiots. I didn’t make any new friends, unlike you guys. I didn’t abandon you guys but you got busy in your own lives and left me behind. My city changed, so what?! Did that mean you had to remove me from your hearts too?! Yes, I’m cross. Very cross indeed! And you know what, if I turn my back, if I turn cold, there won’t be any force that would make me love you ever again. Just sayin’. Don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you, if that happens. Huh! Your silence has always been a loud enough voice for me.

*sigh*

Okay, that’s officially too much “sighing” on my part.

*sigh*

ugh!

The moon is kinda Orangy tonight. And I should wrap this thing up because I have started writing more crap than usual.

 

Until next time!

Diary Entry: Help!!!

Someone, please shut this chatterbox up for a little bit. My senses and my ears are almost fried! It’s my seat mate. She’s been blabbering away on her phone for more than an hour. It’s grown increasingly annoying. I need hep! I truly wish that strangling someone annoying was legal. I’d probably do it for free then.

Ugh!!!

Anyway, it rained today, in Lahore. I’m on my way back home. For the first time in my life, I saw a quarter of a rainbow, which was kinda beautiful. Yes I feel that there is a certain kind of beauty in the incomplete things. There is an amazing aura around the people who aren’t perfect.
I got super excited and happy today. My ma’am was on her way back to Lahore from Islamabad and I was heading to Daewoo terminal as well, for my departure to Sialkot. It was such a happy little unexpected meeting and it’s left me so full of energy and excitement that I can barely contain myself; the reason I’m here once again.

My writer’s block has been head-on and strong for past couple of months. I haven’t written even a single word of the novel I started writing. I’ve done pretty much nothing in these past months. Research was going well until today when my supervisor asked me to increase the length by at least 20 pages. I dunno how I’m gonna pull that off since one major reason of delay in my novel completion is my total and utter inability to drag things when they can very well be said in half of the words. Anyway, it doesn’t hurt to try!

Oh, and I wanted to remember three days of this month. First is August 14 and other two are August 20 and 21. 14 because me and my little sister went to see the air show in Islamabad. 20 and 21st because both the company and the destination of that journey were very dear to me. I love them. Islamabad, the city and my Ma’am as the companion for the journey. I love them both, dearly! It was an overwhelming double treat! And the best part is, she wasn’t my teacher during that whole journey. She was a friend. It felt like she was family, nothing less.
I know, I know, I tend to overdo things but the way I feel about her, it’s precious! She’s precious! I would never want to lose that feeling. I don’t know what came over me that day, on our journey back, I almost bared my whole soul in front of her. I guess, not everyone makes you feel the urge to share. And for me, the feeling is rather rare than it’s for most people I guess. But it was liberating and a very thought provoking experience to finally have that kind of a blessing in my life. I’m so thankful for that!

Ah, Alhamdulillah! My neighbour has finally stopped talking. And thank goodness, she’s not reading my laptop screen or she would’ve tried throwing me out of the bus.

Time for me to go as well. I wanna see something fun before I reach my city, so, until next time……!

Cheerios!

Losing the Plot Mate!

You know that feeling, when you are there and you aren’t really out there? When one moment, one very deceptive little moment makes you feel wanted. But when the deception wears off, you come to know where you really stand. When you get excited that you finally found your reason for being alive and then, in a flash, just like that, that reason ceases to exist. When your own feet don’t want to carry you further, your shoes bite your toes. When everything good that you got going in some fragment of your life goes up in a cloud like POOF!!! The emptiness inside, eating away your soul. The struggle, that’s very real. When tears flow not because you are weak, but because the pain is like a giant, devouring you whole. How does it feel to be the outsider in your own life?! Does any other hurt compare to that one?!

I’ve spent my whole life, being a stranger in my own life. Losing people I love and was afraid to lose. Getting hurt as a punishment for being nice ( no I don’t mean NICE, nice. I meant refusing to be mean even to those who deserve it). One by one, people go away. Not in death but in life. ‘Cause death would mean, a valid reason. That there was some hope somewhere.  But I guess, some people are cursed this way. Doomed! Left to dwell alone. To deal with the extreme highs and lows on their own. I think either I’m cursed that way or I’m developing a bipolar disorder.

Diary Entry: That Dark Place

Dear diary,

I have started sucking pretty badly in singing. I was ashamed to hear my own recording today when I tried. I cant blame the karaoke app. Or can I?!

Anyway, I’m dwelling in my dark place where I have a lot of stuff going on inside my head but too little going outside it. I lie in bed all day, wasting precious time and doing absolutely nothing. I need an escape from Lahore-it’s very essential these days. I don’t want to go home because of all the marriage talk mum tries to do with me every single time I go back. I mean, how hard is it to understand that I don’t want to get married to engineers employed somewhere in the middle east? Or that I don’t want to get married, period!

Sometimes, when I’m in a very perceptive mood, one thought crosses my mind. What if, my history of always falling for the wrong people is the reason of my aversion? Would I ever be able to move on with my life? Or would I keep looking towards those friends of mine who actually got married and their lives after marriage didn’t turn “Oh-so-well”? And then there’s one very stupidly disturbing thought-I don’t want to grow up!

I’m serious! I don’t. And in my mind, marriage brings responsibilities and it means that now you have to be a grown up and handle kids of your own. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and would love to have one or two of my own some day but for now, I wish to accomplish something in life. I want to be an independent female before I tie the knot.

Oh, and not to forget, I need to be able to like some person enough to be able to persuade my stupid mind to actually want to marry him. And believe me, I would raise all hell if I have to, just to get to know the person who gets to marry me-if he gets to marry me.

Anyway, marriage isn’t the real reason of my writing today. I’ve hit a writer’s block and I’ve stopped updating my novel. There are just too many scenarios bugging me, keeping me restless and pinching me but whenever I try to pen them down, or in this case, type, I hit a blockage. I don’t know how long it would last and why I keep thinking of dark stuff. I need to cool off. Need a distraction. Something to drag me back to my original track. Perhaps a trip to Islamabad….. (Yeah, I wish! But mum never permits )

My desperation for a change of scenario has resulted in my withdrawal from people and frustration. I want to bite people’s heads off when they try to talk to me. I want to yell at them for no reason and I’m just hating them for not understanding. My palpitations are back but even after ma’am suggested me to go see a doctor, I told her I don’t want to. I have started acting out with the people I love and after doing that, I feel guilty. So this self-destruction mode isn’t helping me at ALL!

I’m hoping that writing about it now, would lessen the intensity of insanity I’m experiencing these day because I don’t know what else to do.

 

P.S: And no, I still don’t wanna go to the doctor