Diary Entry: I…….

Dear diary,

Facebook reminded me of a post I made in 2016 on this day. I read it and the comments that followed. It made me realize, how much of a raw emotion kind of a person I was back then. It’s been such a long, long time since I felt that kind of emotion.

I just realized, somewhere along the way, I have lost that person who felt that deeply about things that mattered. In my journey towards strength and empowerment, some parts of me went missing. This one post was enough to tell me what I lost. I miss that person and I didn’t even know that person’s heart had a sunset inside. I feel sad because I let go of her. She was pure and true. I am just a washed out fragment of her.

Change is so sneaky. It creeps up in your life and takes over, without you knowing what is happening. I don’t regret being stronger and in charge but I do regret my emotions being toned down. Don’t get me wrong, I was never a person who wore her heart on her sleeve but I wasn’t a zombie either.

I don’t know but hope that this change was worth losing an integral part of me.

And finally, to the part that I lost:

I love you, with all my heart. You made me what I was. You made me a hero in my eyes. Now that I know you are missing, I won’t rest until you are back inside me. For I’m really incomplete without you, not entirely myself.

I miss you!

Diary Entry: About Yesterday…..

Dear diary,

I couldn’t stop myself from posting this. I wanted to post yesterday but was too exhausted at the end of the day. Hence the post today.

Yesterday, we hosted Sialkot’s biggest and first ever conference. By we, I mean Azaan Institute team. There were lots and lots of challenges but we pulled through, Alhamdulillah!

Most of our team members were new volunteers who had no experience before this event. They would not be the same people after experiencing this event. I had some experience in volunteer work, but this event has shown me so many things, clear as daylight. Where anyone would see “all-good” I could see how to make it even better, next time, which is a huge blessing!

One more event to organize today, for which I am getting late by the way. See you when I see you again.

For now, some pictures to keep this event preserved here.

Until next time……

Diary Entry: NLP Practitioner, Finally!

Dear Diary,

I have been busy, sorting out my life for myself lately. A big part of it was leaving my job and getting enrolled in Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner course. I can say, this is the best decision I have made in my life so far, hands down!

What I learned there, is, my anxieties aren’t me. They don’t define me. Neither does my introversion. These were just some limiting beliefs that I used to hide behind. I don’t hide behind them anymore. I know how to deal with anxieties now and surprisingly, I have not been anxious ever since I started working on myself.

I also learned about four clouds that don’t let people move ahead of their lives. I know now, how to work on them, to bring forth positive changes in myself and the people I work with.

It’s a wonder, how much our Unconscious mind can help us get our lives together. It just needs a slight nudge in the right direction. This is exactly where I come in. I am an NLP Practitioner now. In other words, I’m the person whom anyone can approach, to get that nudge towards the right direction.

NLP has broadened my horizon so much that now I feel that my hurdles are my strengths, the hands that were trying to stop me, are the hands that hold me up so that I may climb higher. In short; I feel empowered!

Being an introvert, I used to take pride in knowing myself. But after doing NLP training, I know now, how much I didn’t know. I have discovered parts of me that were hidden from my introverted insight.

I’m ready to take clients now, with a passion, to help others to feel empowered, just as I feel now. The only thing I ask for is the clients’ willingness to work on themselves. Together, we can work wonders!

If you are in need of coaching, or someone you know, who is in need of self development coaching, you can get in touch with me on my email. The first session would be complementary.

You can take an appointment at: nayabkhanskt@gmail.com.

Or you can always write a comment here and get in touch with me.

Diary Entry: Not Dead Yet….

Dear diary,

The feeling a teen gets at the prospect of having their crush like them back, I thought it was lost to me forever. I didn’t feel excited at the thought of companionship or marriage. Even the thought of it was enough to make me feel low and worried. I mean, marrying an unknown person and leaving your home and family to live with total strangers can be overwhelming, that is, if you are a human-with normal feelings. I have always been a hopeless romantic at heart, that’s something I could do nothing about (as if!).

I’ve seen so many married people suffer after marriage and so many unmarried people, including myself, suffer because people just won’t leave us alone and happy with our freedom. Oh, well! Nothing I can do about that really. My married friends tell me not to get married and I don’t feel especially giddy about the prospect of marriage myself.

And then, there are a few moments, exceptions-if I may call them. Moments, when I do want to marry. Moments, when I see two people complementing each other so perfectly that even the bystanders can’t help but look with love in their eyes. I’m talking about married couples who act less than husband and wife, and have more of a best friends kind of relationship. Ah, they are my absolute favorites.

When such a couple is in trouble, the empath inside me, wants to be the hero and fix them and save the day even though it’s not my job. But the fights, the drifting apart, the breaking-up; it just stirs up the hopeless romantic in me and pushes me to do something for them. One of my favorite couples is currently going through major crisis and I don’t like it even one bit. Urgh!

Anyway, this just isn’t about that. This is about me, feeling things I thought I had suppressed deeply, a long time ago. Seeing such couples, makes me want to have my own love story written and acted out. I don’t just want to be someone who vicariously lives through the experiences of others or some decent epic romance novels. I mean, I’m an empath, not a pervert. Anyway, I feel absurd writing this down, but there’s this guy, (because there’s always a guy behind things that you pretend not to feel but want to feel when nobody is looking and then you feel guilty for feeling that way)- no, I’m not talking about Burak Deniz, my new celeb crush of sorts. I’m talking about a normal, regular human being (though not sure about him being normal or regular).

Okay, clearly, I’m ranting but bear with me a bit longer. Because I’ve obviously forgotten how to do this, how to express strong emotions (it’s been a long while). Oh yes, the guy! He might end up being my husband some day, who knows. The thought of being with someone absolutely terrifies me, except, oddly enough, I feel less terrified when I think about being with him. I thing this is crazy. Super crazy! Because:

1. I have never talked to him or seen him in person.

2. I don’t really know what kind of person he is.

3. I’m NOT A TEENAGER anymore!!!

4. I should be freaking out, WHY AM I NOT FREAKING OUT???!!!

Okay, I think I’ve gotten pretty good at not showing my freak-outs and I don’t know but perhaps this feeling of ease is because, I might have finally found my “happily-ever-after-with-lotsa-fights-and-making-up-afterwards-person.” And yes, I want to annoy the hell out of him, for the rest of my life. This thought makes me happy inside. Am I going bonkers? Because, this can’t be normal. Any thoughts or expert opinions?!

I mean, for more than a decade, I have been repulsed by the idea of feeling good about marriage (perhaps because desi mums overdo with the importance of getting married) , even though, normal girls become very happy when they or their parents find someone to marry them with. I felt grossed out by the topic. One main reason was that my mum used to find all those people who exist in this universe that were NOT my type. In fact she found the polar opposites of it. It just drove me insane and marriage lost all it’s charm and attraction for me. I felt irritated and disinterested evrytime the topic of my marriage started. I mean, seriously peeps, give it a rest already! When the right person comes along, I’d say yes in a heartbeat. Not a single moment before that, NO!

But this champ is different (if my bestie sees this, she might kill me, for calling him a champ-she’s kinda hating him, and he’s totally to blame), more like my type of person. He comes with a promise of a challenge. The thought of him, possibly being more of a challenge than I anticipated, terrifies me but doesn’t discourage me.

Yes, there is always the fear of the unknown, weighing down on my nerves but then again, I have not yet given up on life and don’t intend to. I do feel a bit lost because it’s a new territory for me. But I feel hopeful as well. All my thoughts, ramblings, excitement and fears are very premature because I have never met the guy, never talked to him. I have only heard of him. I don’t know why, but somehow, this feels right. And from my past experiences, I have learned to listen to my gut feeling because it has been right on so many other occasions.

I am just happy that I feel all these emotions again. This is one person who has inspired a sense of adventure and excitement in me, related to marriage, even without lifting a finger. I’d like to move forward and see where things lead us but there is still some time to wait, before he can come home from abroad, so fingers crossed!

I didn’t plan on writing so much but the words just gushed out, wanting to be visible. Oh, well!

Until next time…….


Diary Entry: Energy Outage

Dear diary,

I’m as surprised as you might be that I’m back again so soon. Our power has been out since last night. The transformer of our area has been fried for the third time in past few months. This time, WAPDA people have stopped even answering their phone to register a complaint. So I’m sitting at my aunt’s place, blocked away from everything I could have done at home. I had to come here, right after my school off time.

You might have noticed that this time, instead of mentioning the name of my work place, I have avoided it so far. Reason= I’m so done with the place that even badmouthing it is not worth it. The place isn’t bad itself but it’s always the people who make a place feel good or bad. The management before used to value skills and education. But the ones in charge now are amateurs who can’t differentiate between loyalty and a load of rubbish. If you are a good manipulator, you are good for business. I hate that crap. I have been accused of being a manipulator in the past but I’m proud to say that I don’t have even a single manipulative bone in my body.

Kids would be back in school on Monday and I’m dreading it. I don’t mind the kids or the work but since we are short staffed, we would not get any respite, which sucks. I’m so not looking forward to it. I had my ups and downs in the job even before but now I’m just in a perpetual state of wariness. I needed a break from work and from my city but the 3 week break we did get, was not even a proper break. We had to take Turkish language classes 6 days a week for 2-3 hours each day. I loved taking them mainly because I love learning languages, I sometimes even get obsessed. But the break didn’t feel like a break and my heart and mind are feeling starved for a change of scenery.

I’m missing Islamabad so much these days. My insides crave for it. My heart wants to go back there. The depth of this emotion, I can’t even express in words. This craving inside, makes me want to shed my skin and leave my flesh behind, if it could mean that I can go back to Islamabad. I miss the green, the silence, the empty clean roads, the amazing weather and the perfect blend of nature and civilization there. Even the recent string of bad news from Islamabad has not deterred my mind or heart from it. I still love the place from the depth of my heart. Also, I’m so tired of Sialkot.

I really hate it when every proposal for marriage I get is from Dubai. I don’t like middle eastern countries. I don’t want to go to Arab countries. Thanks but no thanks. All I want to do is, go as far as a good neighborhood in Islamabad or if I absolutely have to leave Pakistan, then I would want to go to some country with lots of greenery and a cooler weather (hint:I have always fantasized about the UK) . Dubai just isn’t the place I want to end up in.

Everyone tells me I am being foolish. I’m growing older which means less prospect of appropriate matches but I don’t really care. All I care about is that the person that my heart wants to accept is the person I finally end up with. Even if it means I have to wait another decade, no worries. And if such a person doesn’t exist, no problem. I don’t want to settle for anything less. I won’t. Mum worries because mums worry, it’s kinda their job. But mental satisfaction and peace is more important for me than settling due to some fear of being left alone forever. Perhaps I am foolish but by the end of it all, either I will be a happy woman with the person of my choice as my hubby or I’d be free. Win-win.

Man! I become such a chatterbox when I get frustrated or pissed. I better go now before I go any further. The thoughts are so jumbled today that even thinking about ending things on a positive note is taxing in itself. The power is still out which means I still can’t go home, I can’t relax and I can’t rest. I need rest.

More later, if life permits.