Closed Doors


“When one door closes, another opens,” I’ve heard it so many times. Oh, I so want it to be true, especially right now. Things have been on a downward spiral for me. My beloved madam left the university and I didn’t even get to meet her before she left. I applied for a job that perfectly suited me (the introvert side of me), I got a call from there today telling me to join them on training on coming Saturday. This news would have been a silver lining to my dark cloudy sky but it didn’t comfort me because my father isn’t permitting me to join.

I spent over half of my life, thinking I wasn’t good enough. Loads of self-criticism can sometimes do that to you. And instead of judging people, I judge myself- A LOT. And then there was my mum, telling me I didn’t do anything good with my life and I couldn’t do anything good because I told her I wasn’t teaching material. Thank to my introversion again, public speaking has never been my thing. I’ve tried and failed miserably. Not including presentations in the class, I used to ace them but that’s not the point. According to her, if I can’t teach, it means I can’t do anything. I always tend to ignore such negative remarks or fight about them but sometimes, in some weak moment, when I hear something like this, it stays with me. Being an introvert has never been easy mainly because nobody else in my family or even in my relatives, is an introvert. So people don’t understand what they aren’t even aware about. After studying about these personality types, I slowly started telling people about them and letting them know that it wasn’t any disorder or disease, that it was normal.

Anyway, I haven’t been able to do any further work on my research, ever since my supervisor told me to increase it’s length. So, my life is a big disappointment for me right now and nobody would let me change it even though I want it to. I applied for a job because I wanted my life to be meaningful. I wanted to feel that my life was worth living, that I wasn’t another average ordinary “female” whose sole duty is to do household chores. I know that’s what my parents want to see- me, married and happy. What they don’t realize is, marriage might never make me happy. To leave one place where nobody wants to let you do with your life as you please and end up in another place where the same thing is going to happen, only the person passing orders would be different this time…..there’s nothing attractive for me in that kind of life.

I dunno what’s gonna happen but I hope all these wrong doors would close on me and the right one would open soon before I go insane!

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Diary Entry: Journey


Dear diary,

I’m on my way to home after wasting two weeks entirely. I’ve been procrastinating my research work on peak. I’ve hit the bottom of the pit of lack of motivation. All I keep thinking about is my novel, which I haven’t written a single word of, after completing 3 chapters. The problem with that is that I keep thinking about the climax points of the book. I’m very much clear on those parts. I’ve even thoughts about the dialogues and every single detail for those chapters. It’s the initial chapters that would lead the story towards those chapters that I am having trouble with. I mean, I want to write them as well and like a normal human being, proceed in the right order of the novel, from start to end but I guess, by now, we all know that there is nothing about me that yells “this person is normal!” Yes, I know, I’m not normal. I’m the very definition of abnormal- not even special kind of abnormal.

*sigh*

My next war has already started. I want to join mindbridge; a call centre, for a job that they offered. The job was perfect as it was a written one. Online chats and email related and I totally aced both my interviews but my family wont let me join, which is frustrating. Let’s be honest here. I don’t do the talking. I know I can talk, I can talk really well if I try a little but talking just isn’t my kind of thing. I can write better and I’m sure that my fingers work in sync with my mind but my tongue just refuses to comply most of the times. Mum has labelled it as lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she’s right. But I blame my introversion. Even though I know very well that it’s not a disease but it’s who I am, I still don’t want to come out of my comfort zone when it comes to talking. Mum wants me to take some teaching job back in my hometown but teaching is just not my thing. Talking is a big no for me, duh!

People keep stressing that I should be married by now. But it’s not on my to do list right now. I have to stand once again for a chance at further studies. Yes, I don’t want to quit just yet. I never wanted to study more than ADCP because it was the minimum requirement for joining armed forces and I’ve been crazy passionate about armed forces all my life. I just wanted to end up there, still do. But it’s not enough now. Thanks to my beloved head of department :/ Now I want to gain a PhD and perhaps a post-doctoral degree as well (and people want to kill me for being so difficult and not getting married already)

People have this common notion in Pakiland that those who do a PhD, go partially insane. No worries there as I’m pretty sure, I already am partially insane. Anyway, I know, each step towards that goal- insanity or no insanity- means waging another war at home. But everyone knows its really hard to sway me once I have made up my mind. Let’s see what happens.

I miss my stupid friends very much these days. Been dropping subtle hints in the form of poetic verses but they don’t seem to get the idea. But then again, I feel like kicking them out of my life for not realizing that I’m trying to talk to them. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, do they even remember me, do they even miss me or am I the only one…. And when waiting for them to get the hint becomes too much, I just feel like throwing them out of my contact list, for abandoning me and leaving me with my stupid toxic thoughts even though they knew fully well that I’m a person who thinks a LOT!!! Hate you peeps for that! I dunno, I might just erase myself from your lives completely because it hurts to see your names and not talk to you but remember all the fun times we spent together. Feels like another lifetime. And I’ve been very loyal to you idiots. I didn’t make any new friends, unlike you guys. I didn’t abandon you guys but you got busy in your own lives and left me behind. My city changed, so what?! Did that mean you had to remove me from your hearts too?! Yes, I’m cross. Very cross indeed! And you know what, if I turn my back, if I turn cold, there won’t be any force that would make me love you ever again. Just sayin’. Don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you, if that happens. Huh! Your silence has always been a loud enough voice for me.

*sigh*

Okay, that’s officially too much “sighing” on my part.

*sigh*

ugh!

The moon is kinda Orangy tonight. And I should wrap this thing up because I have started writing more crap than usual.

 

Until next time!