Diary entry 112


Dear diary,
I used to fear I would die without even learning how to drive. That’s not fair,I always thought. But today I have a new and stronger resolve. I’m gonna try my level best not to die before I learn how to drive. Off course I can’t do anything but hope that it happens as I want it to be.
Dear diary, the pain inside has kinda subsided. I still miss my family but I didn’t go home today as I decided that I should stay here and deal with my choices. The aerobatics Air show by Pakistan Air Force went down the drain. It got cancelled and my sacrifice was all for nothing. Nope, I’m still a patriot. A lazy patriot of a lazy nation. Here the weather became the deciding factor but who cares. The thing is, I wasn’t able to see the 1st air show that I wanted to see. I wasn’t able to see the premiere of Divergent because I was alone. I regretted not being home. But now I don’t feel that. I guess it happened for the best. Ain’t it what people say? Yeah. So, I’m gonna go with it too πŸ˜€
Anyway,the day was as event-less as it can possible go. But I’m learning to enjoy amidst all the solitude. And I have to say,it’s not going as well as it used to be in the past. I guess I have contracted the germs of someone who enjoys good company. I wonder who could it be.
Anyway, my body is pretty tired after doing absolutely nothing, the whole day. I wonder how I manage to get tired without even lifting an arm to do anything useful :-/
Excuse me, I should attend to myself now I guess.
See you again,if life permits!

Diary entry 111


Dear diary,
Its been too long since I wrote anything last.I have missed not writing but every time I wanted to write something, words failed me. Yeah,you guessed right. Writer’s block. I hate the feeling but have to live with it like all others do. Dear diary,I’ve been missing my little sister soΒ  much since yesterday night. Its been hard on me. All I wanna do right now, is to take her in my arms and hug her tight. I dunno why but it’s so strong that I might even get ready to go home tomorrow morning. Well you know how impulsive I have been these past some months. Like just today, I had an extreme craving for chocolate cake. I could not hold myself back. So I went out,even though I hate to go out alone or after rain. But I went anyway. Brought a cake and ate with my roommates. Oh,my new roommate is from Kazakhstan. She’s a nice person. A person of little words like me and my old roommates. So I guess this is good. We wont bother each other much.
And I still miss my little sister even after writing about it. The feeling is still strong but I can’t just jump on a bus and go home right now. Well,that’s not entirely true.I can if I want to but I’m not allowed to do just that. So I guess I’ll have to wait for the morning.
Dear diary, Divergent movie is in theaters here in Pakistan but I have no friend present here to watch it with. Yeah,I was extremely excited about it. Last night I completed Allegiant. I guess Tris’ death is one reason of me being down. Yeah,It was extremely difficult to stop myself from crying, reading all the raw and broken feelings at the end of the book. I have to say, I wanted her to live and have a chance at a happy life with Tobias. Hell,he deserved to be happy. But the writer clearly didn’t want that. God! I hate tragic endings. No wonder I’m still down. It was a big disappointment. I had to remind every time my tears were close to spilling,that it’s just a story and then my inside shouted,yeah,a story that you fell in love with!
Oh,yeah,love hurts! It’s like a stab in chest only it isn’t a single stab. Its more like repeated stabbing to get all the life out of me sometimes. But I survive,every single time. You know,this isn’t fair!!!
Anyway, I still miss my family. Seems like this weekend is “missing my family weekend.”
I might as well go home in the morning and quench my thirst. I can’t decide :-/

Okay,this isn’t making me feel any better. So I should probably give it a rest.
See you soon, and hopefully,InΒ  better mood.
Chao

Diary entry 110


Dear diary,
its not cold outside but I’m feeling cold. Even the quilt I have on isn’t enough. Perhaps its because I feel cold inside, void of any warmth of love. I don’t feel love for anyone or anything in this very moment. I even hate myself without any apparent reason. But I’d be damned if I denied knowing the reason this time. I know whats wrong with me. I just don’t wanna share the reason with anyone,not even myself!
I’ve been thinking. Actually, I’ve been thinking a LOT lately. And its true that if you over think any matter, negative thoughts start to claw at your heart. I don’t want that to happen to me but seems like its already in motion. So, I’m writing this to let go of any and every negative feeling that I have encountered in past half hour or so. And surprisingly, I’m hungry. Do you think over-thinking can have that effect on people?
Well, I have to run now or my stomach would start growling.
See ya!

Diary entry 109


Dear diary,
Last night was fun. It was my birthday and Chloe’s “not-so-surprise,” surprise was wonderful. The cake, the candles, the balloons, the chocolate, little teddy bear, birthday cards, the room decor, and the Army hat πŸ˜€ as if all those things were not enough, there was the birthday song and afterwards Chinese Fried Rice,cooked by Chloe herself!
And then I broke the news that I knew what she was planning and for how long. The ringing laughter afterwards. . . .it was priceless!
My lack of friends made our little endeavour look like a very intimate affair πŸ˜› but thanks to the occasional visits from her friends (who came in to eat cake πŸ˜‰ ) we were never left alone. Which is a good thing, I guess.
And then there was “my alien buddy’s wish.” Two of my best friends in this city are “Archenemies” for each other. What a shocker!!! Oh did I mention,when I talk to you, Chloe gives me a hard time πŸ˜› sometimes πŸ™‚
Opening Google gave me another cute surprise. Google wished me Happy Birthday!!! This means,2 wishes from abroad :DAfterwards, my cousins tried their best to give consent for a marriage. I asked them to find me a Superman and I will marry whenever they want me to πŸ™‚ That was a fun discussion.
And my mum’s message,full of prayers, loved it.
And then there were wishes from the people I never expected to wish. A senior sister from Alhuda, my cousin, some facebook friends . . . . . .
I wish to say thanks to a person,a friend of Chloe’s,who helped her to get my Army hat,in front of me. That’s the only one with which you got away Chloe.
Meeting Peera,well,that’s another story!
Loved the company as always-enjoyed a LOT. And that friend of yours,I wanted to explain things to him,I could,if I tried to,but I suck at talking. . . .so here I am πŸ™‚
And,thank you for the wish(yaay, you can’t object to a thanks now :p ), for the gift that I’m currently enjoying as I write. Means a lot!
And Goldie, Puhleez!!! I’m not that good at writing!
Before I go,I have to let it all out. Just got the news, a little girl, daughter of my mum’s cousin, died yesterday. For a moment, I had to stop and think. I get to live 23 years of my life and a little girl of two and a half dies. Its heart breaking,but its life. I keep questioning myself, what did I do, to deserve such a beautiful life. Guess,nobody ever knows.
First I get a beautiful weather on my birthday, then rain and hail stones. The beauty of rain drops falling on the roads with a splash and occasional hail stones. . . . . Exquisite!
And right now,there’s a nutcase,threatening to go on a killing spree and a suicide mission on facebook. I have to go and deal with that maniac.
Hope to see you soon again.

P.S:Little sister, I love you no matter what. You are a blessing in my life. Don’t be sad for practically no reason!
And Choozay,thank you for making my day even better with those interesting stories you just told :)Goldie,you traitor,I’m singing alone! :-/

Diary entry 108


Dear diary,
Chloe is cooking up something. Well,I know exactly what it is,but for now I’m gonna shut up and let the things happen as they are supposed to be. I’m just itching to tell her once again “I told you so!”
Oh, no, I’m trying not to spoil the whole fun. So here are some of the things that I’m going to give a hint of knowing:
*The room decor, hidden from my sight (something is fishy there πŸ˜‰ )
*The lies you had to tell me and the act part. (that was a child’s play to figure-out.)
*I saw you standing right there in front of my room,from a crack in the closed-door,when you just texted me and told me you were on your way.
Just don’t kill me when you read this,okay? :p
*sigh*
Sometimes you meet some people in life that you wish later,that you never had to cross paths with. People who destroy you. People who are a slow poison, a harmful drug that you keep on taking, until it kills you. There are people I wish I never met. The part of my life that I want to erase completely. But then again,there are those who are a blessing in disguise. Like my Chloe here, Alien buddy and some others too. They are the people who keep me awake when I most want to sleep :p But hey!I love you all in a twisted way.
I’m gonna enjoy this particular night so much, I’m sure.And…….. I should better go and have a little nap. Who knows exactly what I will be subjected to next,tonight.
Hoping to see you very soon.

P.S:Oh there’s one more thing I’m happy about. I was made admin of a page that I loved so much,yesterday. Enjoying every moment in the sun πŸ˜‰
Here’s the link if you are wondering what page it is.

Diary entry 107


Dear diary,
yesterday turned out to be a very. . . . .Β  unusual, yup unusual is the right word,a very unusual day. Went to visit District Courts of Rawalpindi, Female Bar room, Union Council Office in Islamabad and High Court in Islamabad. An educational trip it was. An adventure cum sad story. It started out great. District Courts and Bar rooms and Arbitrary Council and then went off to Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences to visit Lawyers who had recently been shot at and the blast victims.
Some of them injured more than others. Bullet wounds on chest,arms,legs and even feet. One case of Orthopedic surgery, one man with a bullet in his pelvis, his pelvic artery damaged and it was somehow a case for Neurosurgery,with the bullet still in his leg and doctors waiting for his condition to become stable enough for them to perform the surgery. One of the injured man who had 2 been shot twice in the head but fortunately the aim wasn’t good enough so one bullet just passed scraping the side of his head,another one penetrated that same side but didn’t damage the skull. His eyes,on the other hand,were swollen shut. His story gave me a good shaking. And those were the people in surgical ward. There were more people in ICU.
Leaving PIMS, went to Islamabad Courts where the incident of bombing and firing happened. Pieces of broken glass, bullet holes in walls and windows, burnt computers. As if that wasn’t a sight enough, there was blood on floors and then the blood smeared on walls. One of the lawyer was kind enough to tell that it was the blood of suicide bomber whose blood as well as blown up body pieces were now sticking to the walls,which was totally gross!
Gawd, I can’t seem to get all that stuff out of my head. Wanted to write a detailed account but too short on time. Just one detail that media people seem to miss and most of the people I happened to listen to,who were eye witnesses,told that instead of 3 bombers their number was somewhere between 6-12. One of the Session judges,who died on the spot, his widow is now in a coma.
Anyway, may Allah gives all the victims good health. And may the people who lost a family member in that incident, may Allah makes things easier for them.
Aameen!

For the last time


imagesShe kept looking on his retreating back for as long as the dark, empty night would let her. Her once deep,lively eyes were shallow and empty, like death itself. They seemed to be looking at far away places.
Even after his lean body was out of sight, she kept staring into nothingness for a long time. Seconds, minutes, hours. . . . . she didn’t know how long she had been standing there, frozen. She felt like she had been robbed off something very important. But what was it? What could it be? That’s something she was having difficulty figuring out. Her mind refused to think or provide any answers. She felt numb, life-less, cold. . . . . stone-cold.
It was starting to rain. A little drop here and a drop there. A drop on her pale, blood-drained face. Snapping back to reality, she put her one bare foot in front of the other. On touching the soft carpet of thick grass under her feet, she felt so weak, so helpless, so little. Her footing was so unsure and yet she knew she had to keep moving for as long as her legs would carry her. Right foot, left then right and left. She didn’t go far. Couldn’t go far. Every single step she took, seemed more difficult than the one before.
She stumbled, her legs too weak to carry her any further. No, she wasn’t someone with a heavy frame. She was small yet strong, built for brave stuff. Running, a lot of running perhaps. And her brain…..her brain, clearly it was meant for a far greater purposes than she realized.
she stumbled again. This time, her knees meeting the ground. Resigned, she didn’t try to get up. A tear escaped her eyes and another…..a scream building inside her.
The rain, getting strong by the minute drenching her to the bones. Her tears,an unending stream. Numbness,leaving her body as awareness took its place. Soaked completely,crying hard, she put her now throbbing head down on the soft blades of grass,wishing for death to come and take a hold of her at that particular moment. But she knew, it wasn’t her time to die. She had to fulfill her true purpose of life yet, whatever that purpose was. So she let her tears flow openly. Crying, for the last time, without shame, for every single person who left her in the past and the present,everyone who never tried to stick with her for long enough to know her well. Everyone who took a part of her with them as they went. As tears left her eyes, she felt as if every part of herself she ever lost, it was coming back to her. So slowly and gradually she became whole again. One by one, she kept burning her memories. Tears kept flowing until she felt complete again, void of any hurt. Empty,yet whole again. Her eyes felt puffy and ached, her whole body cold and wet. It was time to be brave and go home. So she stood up, this time without any difficulty, without any shackles of her past creating any difficulty for her. Slowly she walked back to her door,got inside her home, that reeked of solitude, but felt like some place she actually belonged. Closing the door behind her, she closed the door of misery, extricating herself from her self-made problems. She knew, it was the start of something new and she was ready, ready to face whatever was to come next………