Decieved….


Biting retorts,un-trusting mind,
wounded heart,
that’s what you left behind.
Facing future,eyes on past
questioning present
ruining myself so fast.
To hell with you and good times
doesn’t salvate you
from all your crimes.
Did you think without you beside me
that I’m nothing?
Wrong! I’m better and stronger,cant you see?
I wanted,with you,my life being spent.
Your deception,put my wish to an end.

Diary Entry 125


Dear diary,
my straight hair is back,it touches my waist and I’m simply ecstatic about it ๐Ÿ™‚
Apparently I have consumed my 30GB limit of my internet package within 10 or 12 days(though I still wonder how I managed to accomplish that!). I came to know about this news last night and of course I was devastated(okay,with a little bit of exaggeration). If I recharge it before October 11,every single GB usage will cost me 150Rs,which is a stupid kinda rule. But I guess it good I spend most of my days at my aunt’s place now. Will keep my mind off my EVO :/ And time to go home is so close too. Not sure when is the exact day but hopefully some day in the next week. And you know,at home,I don’t have to bother about an internet connection because turning the lappie on is kinda outta question there.
Anyway,it’s lunch time and I’m starving.
Catch you later!

Diary Entry:I’m still pissed off


Dear diary,
the day before yesterday I woke up with a start. It was some kind of dream that woke me,when it started to go too wrong. Then yesterday,I woke up with another bad dream. The day before, when I woke up,I felt down and bad. No such thing yesterday,alhamdulillah! But I’m still pissed,at so many things.
1st being my internet connection. Its been a pain in the ass for past some days and just to get it to work properly,I had to try different things,which included making space on my hard drive to refresh my windows,which by the way went wrong. And later during my classes I kept thinking about how to fix it and whom to ask for help. I kept worrying. Alien buddy might be a computer whiz kid,but asking for help there was out of question. So I knew by the end of my classes that I had to do it on my own,somehow. With a racing heart,that wanted to drop out of my chest, I started working on it. And for the very first time,installed windows on my lappie,without any assistance. But I didn’t have time to feel accomplished. My roomie passed some comment which almost made me breathe fire….. well,almost….if I was a dragon,she would’ve been a roasted chicken by now. Anyway, I yelled at my other roommate,more than once and decided that I must shut up before things…and by things I mean my anger,got too out of hand. And then I found something that gave me a laugh. Its not something decent but I still wanted to share it. So here it goes:

images
It helped me a little bit. I started writing this post yesterday and had to leave it in the middle because of my class time. Didn’t get a chance to complete it because I was in such a hurry to come back from class,get ready to come to my aunt’s place. Now I’m here,sitting all alone,writing this,when everyone else sleeps. Its a blessing to get some “Me-time” at my aunt’s place because its as rare as having family time in hostel. Anyway, my aunt and uncle are going for Pilgrimage on Sunday,which is a great news,of course. This means I finally get to meet my grandpa after a long time(He’ll be here to see her off).
My application for internship in Armed Forces Institute of Mental Health(AFIMH) has been forwarded to General Head Quarters(GHQ) for approval. Fingers crossed!
The more I see how things are in AFIMH,the more I miss my Psychologist and calm and quiet,non-crowded Department of Mental Health in CMH Sialkot.
*sigh*
Guess,I’m not a big city,crowd loving person after all. I just don’t know how would I work in such a suffocating environment here. I’d probably have to take it as a big challenge. That’s one way of actually getting through those days without suffocating myself half to death. But then again,I’m sure I’ll manage.
Anyway,Its late and I don’t wanna keep writing.

See Ya ๐Ÿ™‚

Diary Entry 124


Dear diary,
guess what pleasant surprise I got today ๐Ÿ˜€ My blog is 3 years old. My little baby. I can’t believe I didn’t give up on you,even after seriously considering it for so many times. And guess what, I’m so overjoyed now!
yay
Well,I just wanted to remember this day,as I didn’t before :p Yup,that’s totally me ๐Ÿ˜€
Well, I didn’t have any other purpose to be here tonight. I’m mentally tired and sleepy. But this news made me wanna jump with happiness. Thought, it a little happiness,worth sharing ๐Ÿ™‚
Will see you again,soon.
If life permits…

Buonanotte

Diary Entry 123


Dear diary,
yaaayyyy,I’m back!!! And that too,sooner than I thought I would be. Isn’t it great? ๐Ÿ˜€ Well,I should be studying right now,but people keep talking to me whenever I try to study and when my mood to study vanishes,people go too. Its annoying and sometimes frustrating too but there’s nothing I have been able to do about it from the past 2 days :/ My cousins,friends,class fellows,family and other people to whom I haven’t talked for ages. Seriously, people,you need to stop doing that :/
And here I am, doing exactly nothing. Well, if you count listening to nasheeds, writing here,chatting on cell And occasionally when I get a little window of respite, reading something related to my subject;in nothing. My days are about to grow into some kinda nightmare. Internship in the morning and classes in the evening. Yeah,it will be difficult to manage but I will do it anyway, somehow, I’m sure.
There’s a story I was writing about 6 months ago or so,that I left unfinished. Recently,I gave it a reading again,and actually loved it so much that I want to complete it after all. I asked some of my friends to give it a try too and they loved it too. Told me to complete it.
*sigh*
I wanna do it as soon as possible. But my routine til date,is so bad, I dunno when would I complete it. But I will.
Dear diary, I sometimes feel like there’s a higher purpose to my life. As if I’m not meant to cook,do laundries or dishes,raise children after tying the knot. In fact, I dunno for sure,if I was made for such routines. For one,I don’t trust men,no matter how good or great they seem. And then the problem of me not liking people easily,isn’t an easy one to get over :/ there are very rare chances of me liking a person in my very first encounter. How would I like someone enough to actually make up my mind to marry him,is beyond me. Mum doesn’t know that yet. She still keeps drilling me with “the” lecture on starting to learn how to make a house a home :/ Ma, seriously,for the Nth time,I don’t wanna learn how to cook. I hate cooking :/ ugh,I’m hungry now. Actually I feel like I have hypoglycemia right now :@ I should run to the kitchen n get something to eat or drink. I’m not done with you yet,dear diary but I have so much pending work to do and then have to sleep. So,I will see you,when I see you ๐Ÿ™‚

Sayonara!

And because I love you….


I’ll probably never see someone else the way I see you.
Oh,it breaks my heart over and over again,
That love brought some joy and a lot of pain.
I’d probably marry a successful,established man.
But,at night when I cry,
Those tears would be for you.
I would wake up,every morning,
Expecting to see your beauteous face.
And wish,that I hadn’t done so
And died in my sleep.
How could you claim you were the only one
Who felt all the love seep out?
How could something so good
Leave us so broken,so much in doubt?
I know I should make peace with what life left me
For there’s nothing but lies and deception you are capable to see

Diary Entry 122


Dear Diary,
I’m visiting my aunt’s place again. Seems like most of the time of this semester,I will be spending with her naughty,chatterbox kids. But I have come to love them so dearly. And we kinda,have grown closer. Even their little cousins look up to me and talk so animatedly with me. Yeah,the number of people who have started to take me as their role model is increasing day by day,even after me telling people not to do so. God save the Queen! I mean,taking me as a role model is kinda asking for trouble. I’m not that good a person. Ask people who have come to hate me or feel threatened by me. Yes,such people exist and they are increasing in number day by day. And whats even a bigger shocker is that they don’t even actually know me. Isn’t it great?! ๐Ÿ˜€ :/ Well,not really. I mean,I have awakened feelings of hatred or insecurity in people I don’t even know. And that too without trying.
So much has happened in these 3 past months. I met some very nice people and some tough loves ๐Ÿ˜‰ I went for an unofficial kinda internship in CMH Sialkot and enjoyed every single moment of it. My Supervisor,a Psychologist and Captain by post, I have come to love her for her beautiful and helping personality. Working in the field,I actually came to care more for my patients than I thought possible. But being objective is so very much important. We, as professionals can’t become crutches for our patients. The occasional shoulder to cry on(metaphorically speaking),is okay. But the concentration MUST be on making them capable to stand on their own feet again. Yeah,well,that’s the tough part. Most patients have chances of becoming dependent on their therapists. We’ll,I’m sure I will learn to avoid that from happening.
I taught Tajweed to almost 25 people at home and had an excellent result alhamdulillah. My chest swells with pride when I listen to them read Qur’an so beautifully. I learned 2 Surahs(i-e Chapters) of Qur’an and half portion of another one. Yup,I’m so happy about it ^_^
Well,since I came back,so much has happened. From crappy moods over the worst timetable ever to discovering that I’m page admin for a womanizer in making…..you name it! But since I stopped caring, I have been a lot more happier with my life. And I have been demoted to editor status from manager of IIUI Memes. But that’s more than okay with me.
Sometimes, I feel like I should’ve been a breakup therapist. I dunno how,but people seem to cross paths with me,more often than not,while trying to deal with their post-breakup downs. And guess what,I’m always happy to help.
A girl from occupied Kashmir,contacted me after reading my blog posts. Its nice to sometimes see my readers ACTUALLY trying to talk to me back. Its so refreshing and I always look forward to it ๐Ÿ˜€
Oh,and before I go,I would like to get one a little bit more off my chest.
“A liar always sees liars in every person he sees or meets. While a positive person always sees positivity around him. What you chose to become is what you see in others.”
Anyway,I must go now.
Its so awesome to be able to write once again.
*sigh*
I always miss the feel!

Gutentag for now ๐Ÿ˜‰