Tired one night I slept

unaware of the approaching death

but the moment I lay

there wasnt time to say

goodbye my world,

I’m leaving you!

my soul left;flying

I heard news of me dying

neither anything now I could do,

nor could something I say.

Goodbye my world,

I’m leaving you!

As my soul approached the sky,

I saw a wretched,suffering soul

he told me to bring Quran as my friend,

and torch of sunnah to my grave.

he was yelling and telling everyone

‘be obedient till the end!’

but alas!nobody ever heard him say,

the truths,unveiled as they lay.

With a new start,I was full awake

this dream had given me a good shake

I took his words;tried and tried

to escape a dreadful hereafter’s fright

so contend and peaceful today,

at last,I’m leaving you my world!

like a peaceful child,sleeping tight,

goodbye my world,Im leaving you!!!

The wild me . . . . . .

I was running like a wild lioness ,on the deserted road of my university,on this wild hour of the night,my iPod secure in my pocket,headphones on my ears with fast and wild music thumping.This wasn’t the first time I was out after midnight,all alone,running endlessly with the furious beats of music,as if in a synchronization;but my roommates didn’t worry any more over my continuous absence in the night hours.

Today,again,they were sound asleep when I got out of my bed.The clock on my side table read two in the morning.”Perfect!”,I said to myself.

Without making any noise,I changed into my jogging gear,took a long breath,came out of my room and launched into a slow warm-up stride.It was surprisingly chilly outside.My body responded in a shiver,as the cold touch it.I was under prepared for this kind of cold,but there was no going back,so I went on.

I increased my speed as I left my hostel gate behind me,sneaking out so that the guard wouldn’t notice.I was on the grounds beside my hostel building.Just then an idea crossed my mind.”why not go on the road?After all,you wont be crossing the premises of the university”.And that was my cue.I took the shortcut and was soon on the road.

And I ran like  . . . like never before!!!

Night,sometimes does this to me.The darkness-is almost too painful for me to endure.It gets on my nerves,especially when sleep isn’t anywhere near me.And every night,I have a weird craving-a craving for arms to take me in an embrace,to hold me until I sleep.But since I’m in a hostel,miles away from my home town and my dear mum,so I guess there wont ever be any such help!!!

So,here I am!!!running again,trying to tire my body to sleep.Everything is so peaceful,quiet and static-I like it-I like this solitude and this wild energy!!!

It’s so nice to get freedom at last that I want to sing on the top of my voice,I want to laugh and hear the sound of me,being happy,I wanna jump and fly,to touch the sky!!!

With fast music and delicious voices pumping energy into my nerves and my numb legs,I pushed hard on the road.”Keep going-You gotta keep on going.Dont you dare stop now!!!”,I told myself,trying to aid my will power.”Yeah,you can do it-You can make it!!!Damn it,you will make it!!!”And I did make it, surprisingly so,but I did run about two miles.I was panting now.So I slowed down as I came near my room,my mind clear,all cravings gone-lost somewhere in the blues!

As anticipated,running helped both physically and mentally,tiring my body;suppressing the emotional aches by a dose of more urgent and alive – bodily aches.And filally,when I put my head down on my pillow,I was sound asleep,before I even knew it!!!

I miss you . . . .

I was crying uncontrollably,aching for an arm to lessen my pain with a simple show a bit of affection.I was wounded inside.How is it so easy for people to just turn away and forget those who love them so dearly?how do the discarded ones keep themselves upright and going?maybe I was new to this emotion so I didn’t know how to handle.So once again I was lying on my bed like a retard,celebrating my misfortune,with no one but tears of agony and an excruciating pain of being rejected tearing me from my inside.
I gasped for air . . . . . . . .

Lying here,in the darkened room,

craving for a soothing embrace,

tears through my stinging eyes,

longing for your shoulder,

with pain tearing me apart,

suppressing the urge to scream,

dunno how long can i brace myself.

it’s a sharp killing blow.

I never meant for you to go!

but you left without a backward glance

was it all pre-planned my love?

no good-bye,no hug,no other chance!

but I still can’t get over you.

missing you honey,

missing you so much!!!

Come sleep come!Please dont take so long now.And why don’t you call your sister along-a peaceful death for me!!!
and sleep didn’t wait for long.soon I was buried deep under its charismatic charm,tired and aching.

I woke up with a new cell phone was ringing somewhere near me.I tried to sit but my head spun and there was a throbbing pain in my eyes were still hazy but my ears were still working.And that’s when I heard my door closing.”Who’s there?”,I called.My glasses!Where are my glasses?My mind was fully awake now.But my eyes were blind in the darkness.But where are my glasses?I tried to find them on my bedside table but-nothing!but I would be even more blind without them,as if that were possible in the first place!

My head was better now so I took off the bed to search my glasses.It felt like walking with my eyes closed.and surprizingly my own room seemed like . . . . . I don’t know what’s the right word . . . .maybe-changed.
That’s when I bumped into something that wasn’t there when I slept.So it was time for me to panic.Frantically,I turned and asked a bit louder,”Who’s there?”
Nobody bothered to answer.But I felt something brush my body,and before I could react,two strong arms held me in a crushing embrace and a familiar voice whispered in my ear,”Happy Birthday,Love!”
One moment I was tense and the other moment I was hugging back.Tears of realization washing all the pain I had experienced.
He stroked my body with gentle hands,caressing and comforting.
My hubby knows how to comfort me.He’s got the best skill in handling me!!!

my ecstasy . . . .

“Doesnt matter where the road of life would roll,

’cause now we are two bodies but one soul.

we shall live together and die,

There wont remain any silent truth between us,

that’s the best way to avoid ado and fuss.

you,alone;are the object of my affection.

Hope you realize my raw emotions!

 Oh,the solitary resident of my heart!

I’d better die,than live apart!

today let’s make a vow and pray,

true to each other,we shall always stay.

I’ve already lost my heart to you.

My love for you is pure and true.

Your love is all for what I care.

Shunning your ways,I’d never dare.

May each sun rise brings a Valentine’s day,

and every night is a message of romance and gay!

It’s a bliss to be in your arms,

Far better than other charms.

So,hold me tight with all your might.

And never let go this ‘lovey dovey’ night.

Now or never,this chance might come.

So,let’s make our home a love kingdom!!!”

LOVE KINGDOM eh???!!!what gibberish am I writing???!!!a love kingdom for me???IMPOSSIBLE . . . !you would be wondering why.Because Im a very thankless person at that!I have always had the best share in my life . . . but never ever appreciated it!I always took it for granted . . . . never cared.I guess i deserve it,I deserve this suffering too much!

I dunno.maybe I’ve become a MASOCHIST!!!

Why can’t I just hold myself steady?Why my mind moves from one obsession to another-this thing,i may never understand.Okay,so maybe I’m boring you to the depth of your bones-but you see,I’m not a writer at all.Someone,i just happened to stumble across,a dear friend at that;advised me to either accept my life as it is,or write in a journal to put all the frustration out of my mind.So here i am . . . . .

Life has never meant for me anything,but an enjoyment-with an obsessive compulsive disorder,i suppose.the only role I played in my whole life,was that of a chaser,endlessly chasing       my each new passion and obsession.I had everything in life that makes up for a luxurious life – EVERYTHING!!!


And I mean when I say everything except . . . . . . the most essential one – PEACE!!!

I would’ve said like others that I’ve been peacefully and happily married from past one and a half-year but the truth is I’m not!Okay,I’m married,I have a 6 days old daughter to take care of,and a beautiful,gorgeous and ever caring hubby,who loves me more than I ever deserved and tries to give me every possible comfort-both mental and physical!As if that weren’t enough-but Im so shame less,I want more!

My heart still doesnt stop on one place.Sometimes I think I’m betraying my beloved hubby but the desire for adventures never ends.

My mind is craving for some mellow music . . . . . .and darkness . . . .

i played Rihanna in the background

. . . . . . Because I’m gone again
And to him I just can’t be true

And I know that he knows I’m unfaithful
And it kills him inside. . . . . . . .
I called out,”Mason,please come here.I need you.”
          . . . .I don’t wanna do this anymore
        I don’t wanna be the reason why
                Everytime I walk out the door
          I see him die a little more inside
                I don’t wanna hurt him anymore
        I don’t wanna take away his life
                         I don’t wanna be…
                                 A murderer . . . . .

I saw him coming and closed my eyes.”What’s it,dear?”,he asked,anxious.”Are you alright?’,now worried,he came closer to the couch where I lay all weak and small.

“You worry too much man”,I tried to lighten the tension.He gazed fixedly on my face.I held my hand up and he took it and sat beside me.I opened my eyes,and our eyes met for a moment.That was when i realized i wanted to talk to him,to open my heart before him.It was something I never did before,something never even dreamed of doing.

He was looking so cute,in the dim light that came from the kitchen,and so intent on knowing what disturbed me.”M-Mason-! !”,I stammered,closed my eyes again.He gave my fingers a little squeeze.It was such a warm gesture,it broke me further.I started crying.,startling him completely.I knew he would do anything and everything to comfort me right now.This,filled me with more guilt and i cried harder.Soon he was holding me close to him,brushing my tears away.”Say my Love,what disturbs you?Or is anything painful?”I clung to him closer,still pouring my tears and wetting his shirt.When I was better and could speak again,I said,”Mason,Im so sorry!!!I realy AM!”

“Don’t-Anna,please don’t!!!”,he said,tense and pained.

“Oh no,let me be!I’ve always taken you for granted,always!But Mason I’ve realized my stupid mistake.I wont run after my desires anymore.I don’t want them anymore.All I want is you to accept my apology!please-PLEASE!!!”

And I was crying again,shaking uncontrolably.”Shhhh!!!No more tears baby!No,I just can’t stand them.I just want to see you happy,that’s all I care about.I wanna see that glimmer in your eyes when you set them on your goal.I want your wild side to keep on flourishing-keeping you more alive.I like you that way-don’t change it,don’t let it die,please!!!”

Oh Lord!he was  always so gracious,taking my every blow courageously.But I,too,am changed now.I love him now,more than my life.And then we have this little doll to take care of-our little Emma.

Sometimes I wonder,what changed me?Was it the depression after the birth of our only child or was it guilt of not taking the love and care of my husband seriously?But I guess its not that important to know,since im not ever going to be that old Anna-the nonserious one,anymore.I’ve learned to treasure my life,and ask,from you,the same thing.Treasure your beloveds before they turn away from you or,are taken away forever!Love them as much as you crave to be loved back-even more.Don’t take them for granted ever!

I guess I was realy lucky that my soul mate kept by myside-but you  never know where the life could take you.

So,now Mason is lying beside me and Emma.So,I’d better stop writing and cherish the moments  . . . .

Do you know what I’ve got in store for you?

No broken stars,no moon

              But pure love and extreme care

So if you dont mind,

Just step into my heart

          And be mine forever!!!