Haters, Traitors, Alligators….

I’ve been dying to write this post ever since I got stabbed in the back 😀 Yeah, I’m happy about it. All this pretending and back-stabbing has gone for too long. I see people for who they really are, not as I want to see them. It’s another matter that I keep ignoring, forgiving and trying to save my relationships. And in one way it’s good that the pretenders, haters in disguises and traitors don’t stay for much longer around me. Yes, I’m too blessed that Allah pushes every deceiver out of my life. Every impure person leaves one way or other. And because I don’t have a habit of ratting people out, people do find me on their own to share stuff that’s tough for them. I can’t say I’m worth all that. But Allah does send them to me to help me heal. Yes, I heal in the process of helping others. And as for liars and cheaters, they keep showing up at times and then they are driven out after some time, without me trying….
Anyway, I recently got betrayed and it didn’t really come as a surprise. I made my peace with it. I had to. When I first thought of writing this post, the wound was still fresh. I planned on sparing no one that night. But with the passage of time, I let my hurt and anger drain out, because that’s who I am! I can’t keep grudges or hate :/
Yes, I’m tired of haters, traitors, stalkers and all other types of alligators who keep looking for a chance to hurt me and to swallow me whole. NO!!! I’m not gonna let anyone destroy me like that. And you all being so hell bent on trying to roughen up my life says so  much about yours.
One and only one sentence for you peeps- Get a life people!



Diary Entry: Matters of the Heart…..

Dear diary,
my cell needs a fix and so does my heart. My cell isn’t charging, it burned me today. My heart is alight as well, on fire. Things seem to get easier when I am on the prayer mat and as soon as I get up, the constriction of air of my lungs, the tears in my eyes and the feeling of my heart being so full that it would explode, return. Matters of our hearts are really hard to sort out. Being in love doesn’t help the case either. I’m hurting inside and the people who love me are rejoicing that I have chosen to turn back to my old, more restrained and conservative self. I have chosen to be good in eyes of Allah(SWT) and being obedient to Him. But it hurts like hell inside 😥 The bouts of crying in secret-fearing that someone would notice and ask questions….. It’s hard. It’s excruciating! And the fear of losing what I don’t possess…..it kills me! In past few days I have lost more than I have gained. I have started building walls around me again. It’s going to drive me insane…..the loneliness, the emptiness, the void….. But I have Allah. And I don’t really need any more help. He will deal with the lack of strength. He will hold me. I love Him and I’m sure, He loves me too. I don’t really need anything else!
My Gosh! These people!!! they just won’t leave me alone for a bit! I’m close to fuming now :@ What is wrong with them?! Don’t they know I want to be left alone?! I know they care for me but they care a little too much! I don’t want any of that! I just want to be left alone to get some peace of mind….. To really connect with Allah…..To hold myself together. It hurts and annoys me when people ask too many questions. And I just snapped at my cousin on that. Goodness, I’m losing it! And only because I don’t want to change?! Is there any end to my misgivings? Is there any end to the hardness of my heart or harsh behaviour that I show? They are only trying to help. What they don’t realise is that they can’t! Only Allah can!
I’ve been hurt before. Not this badly, but I have. The only difference was that the first time I got hurt, it was at the hands of a person I called my best friend. And this time around I got hurt at my own hands. I don’t know which one is the worse but I do know that what has already come to pass, hurts me no more. But what’s now and here, its so hard to bear! Why did I have to fall in love? Why did I have to let it consume me whole?
I pray…I pray, harder than I ever have, before. I pray for peace of mind and heart. I pray to have him, claim him as mine, in an Islamically legal way. I pray that his heart melts too, at some point. I pray that if he’s not good for me, I forget any feelings for him that keep me awake at nights, praying, and that renders my days an endless series of daydreams that,despite being unfulfilled, make me smile often to myself and sigh, and want to cry of sheer pain at other times, that I feel inside ’cause I don’t have him.
My problem is that I can’t do justice with my own poor soul. I love with all I have and all that I am. I don’t keep anything to myself. I trust, I give people chances to hurt me, to stab me, and when they do, I turn inward, seek seclusion of my own body, to tend to the wounds that I helped others to give me. I’m that way. And I don’t know how not to be me! I wasn’t cut out to be merciless, at least for others. What I do to myself, I don’t know how not to.
Anyway, I was trying to watch Insurgent(FINALLY!!!) It’s pretty to look at, story aside. The scenes are kinda amazing. I just want people to stop barging into my room and let me see without pauses and breaks. But I definitely can’t say it on their face. I think I already hurt my aunt about 20 minutes ago when I told her that its annoying that her family(she included-but I didn’t tell her that,) asks too many questions. I know they do that to try to figure me out and help but its annoying. And let’s face it, they can’t really figure me out, can they? I’m someone who rarely shows her true self and seeing my past five years out of my city and how I spent them, and how people took advantage of me, trusting them, I doubt that anyone will ever see that door open EVER again. (Yup, I know I used ever twice in the same sentence- not in the mood of letting my grammar Nazi self win tonight!)
Anyway, I have to get back to my movie, watch it and go to sleep as soon as I finish with my dinner and Salah.
See you when I’m perturbed again(which will happen soon enough I guess).
Oh, and I do feel better after pouring my heart in here.

Diary Entry 126

Dear diary,
I’ve been back for past whole week now. Every time I think of writing something here, I don’t. I’ve been watching lots of movies. Feel a little down today. Missed two of my classes. Eid and the holidays went in a blur. Not because the days went by too fast, but because I couldn’t focus on my family this time around. I was too engrossed into my own self that I kept getting irritated when people actually tried to have me participate in the activities going on around me.
I guess,somewhere this was bound to happen. Repercussions of stupid stunts that I keep performing. Oh no, I’m not ready to leave them anyway.
Dear diary, some time ago, something great happened. I was saved once again from making the biggest mistake of my life, by Allah(SWT). Sometimes, things that happen around me, make me realize that Allah loves me so much that He keeps me away from any harms. Anyway, it was a big lesson,of course. And as for a broken heart or something remotely resembling any negative emotions, I don’t have it. Never did,at least in the said matter. Its like I knew, I was ready for something bad to happen. When it happened, I did expect myself to be ready but I never expected myself to be so composed that I didn’t feel a thing. I’m happy that I finally have that much self restrain. I feel ready now,for any and every thing.
This semester is going better than I actually expected it to go, thanks to Allah again. I was supposed to have at least one clinical case by now. I have plenty but without their tests so still waiting for internship to actually start :/ Waiting for the good times to start again,soon.
Obsessed again. This time its an Indian song by Arijit Singh from the movie Creature.
Weather is cold again and NO,its not depressive this time. Yeah,I had someone last year with me through the tough days and this year I don’t really need anyone. I’ve grown out of such feelings. “What doesn’t kill you,makes you stronger!”
The cold weather now inspires me,calls to me….as if telling me there’s more to it than the apparent harshness. I wanna sit outside with a warm cup of decaf,listening to Arijit Singh songs and stare into the depths of the cool nights. Or long drive on empty roads a night,again Arijit Singh songs on….
Okay,by now,you probably guessed,I’m crushing on his voice :/ Its simply sweet. Like honey to the ears. Its kinda hard not to like. Its not real special but its never harsh on ears. So I love it. And his voice has an expression of its own. The the climaxes and downs say more than the lyrics. Its just amazing!
(Okay,I’m babbling now)
I better go. A good challenge has grasped my attention 😉
See you,whenever possible.


Give me respite

Why does my heart still skip a beat on hearing your voice?
Why does this spark of hope ignite again?
That maybe,there is a part of you that still remembers me.
Or worst even,a part that hates me,for I did hurt you bad.
I’m stuck in space,no way to outrun your memories
The pain wont let me sleep,the want wont let me live
I have no right to ask you to come to my aid
Knowing its hard to forgive and forget
So I suggest that you hurt me back and be even maybe
For the blame in your eyes kills me from inside
I can’t be near you nor go away
Hurt me bad for I deserve it.
Do whatever,just give me respite. . . .

P.S:I did try to complete it,but guess,some things are never meant to be complete.

say the words

Just say the words and lit the fire.

You want me gone-you horrible liar!

You think I can’t see,

your wariness from me?

I’m not the one that you desire.

Just say the words and lit the fire.

You think you know me

but the things have changed.

I’m not a fool,I’m not deranged.

I can hold myself together

and my need isn’t dire.

Just say the words and lit the fire!

I wont stay,I won’t tag along

long before you knew it,I’d be gone.

so stop pretending,end this suffering sire.

Just say the words and lit the fire!

Diary entry 10

Dear diary,

People I think I know,still amaze me.Its not bad I guess but off course the shock is sometimes eye opening.Yeah,I swear to myself that I’d be careful while trying to trust people but every time,I dunno what goes wrong and I get betrayed.But at least,I have you even if the whole world turns out to be a liar.

So,I  guess I shouldn’t care any more.

Its always nice talking to you.Half of the burden that my heart bears upon itself is gone every time I say whats on my mind.

My friends are sometimes too busy-but i still got you to help me through my mood swings.Thanks a bunch for that.

Gotta go sleep off the remaining hurt.

See ya very soon



. . . . but whose suffering is it?

It isn’t my secret to hide or to disclose.I thought I’d never see her again-ever.But when exactly did the life ever go the way you expect it to?

Fear didn’t leave me for the whole night.Ghosts and demons of doubt and worry never left my side for even a moment.What was happening,and why?She was a very good friend.In fact one who was close to my heart.We grew up together and shared most of our secrets and little fears of childhood.We studied and stayed in hostel together.I’ve always known her to have a strong sense of right and wrong.She loved her family and me-as I her.

My heart still refuses to accept that SHE of all people could do this,no matter what the circumstances.

Leaving her home and beloved family,without even a word and not a penny on her-that certainly wasn’t the most brilliant idea that ever crossed her mind.I know I could be a pigheaded person sometimes and if anyone had the potential to do it,it was me.But I know even if I have the potential to do it,I would never betray my family like this-I would never cower-I would never leave the battlefield without giving it my best.Its not in me to give up so easily because I’m a warrior inside.While she left without a backward glance-as if she planned never to return.Now that I look on the matter again,I realise how difficult it is on children when their parents fight in front of them in their every waking moment.

Thanks to Allah she is back safe and sound but the scars of wounds that rendered her depression and made her take such big step would never cease to exist.

She suffered everyday and so did her siblings and her mother’s family and her father’s family.But who was responsible for all this and when was it going to end?

People,your family is like a chain,each member its one link.intact though it may seem but there is always a place of attachment that is weaker than the other parts of each link-and its that weaker part that determines how intact you are and how many deathblows you can endure.Save it before its too late for you!

As for her story-I guess,whose suffering it was,we’ll never know!