Diary Entry: That Dark Place


Dear diary,

I have started sucking pretty badly in singing. I was ashamed to hear my own recording today when I tried. I cant blame the karaoke app. Or can I?!

Anyway, I’m dwelling in my dark place where I have a lot of stuff going on inside my head but too little going outside it. I lie in bed all day, wasting precious time and doing absolutely nothing. I need an escape from Lahore-it’s very essential these days. I don’t want to go home because of all the marriage talk mum tries to do with me every single time I go back. I mean, how hard is it to understand that I don’t want to get married to engineers employed somewhere in the middle east? Or that I don’t want to get married, period!

Sometimes, when I’m in a very perceptive mood, one thought crosses my mind. What if, my history of always falling for the wrong people is the reason of my aversion? Would I ever be able to move on with my life? Or would I keep looking towards those friends of mine who actually got married and their lives after marriage didn’t turn “Oh-so-well”? And then there’s one very stupidly disturbing thought-I don’t want to grow up!

I’m serious! I don’t. And in my mind, marriage brings responsibilities and it means that now you have to be a grown up and handle kids of your own. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and would love to have one or two of my own some day but for now, I wish to accomplish something in life. I want to be an independent female before I tie the knot.

Oh, and not to forget, I need to be able to like some person enough to be able to persuade my stupid mind to actually want to marry him. And believe me, I would raise all hell if I have to, just to get to know the person who gets to marry me-if he gets to marry me.

Anyway, marriage isn’t the real reason of my writing today. I’ve hit a writer’s block and I’ve stopped updating my novel. There are just too many scenarios bugging me, keeping me restless and pinching me but whenever I try to pen them down, or in this case, type, I hit a blockage. I don’t know how long it would last and why I keep thinking of dark stuff. I need to cool off. Need a distraction. Something to drag me back to my original track. Perhaps a trip to Islamabad….. (Yeah, I wish! But mum never permits :/ )

My desperation for a change of scenario has resulted in my withdrawal from people and frustration. I want to bite people’s heads off when they try to talk to me. I want to yell at them for no reason and I’m just hating them for not understanding. My palpitations are back but even after ma’am suggested me to go see a doctor, I told her I don’t want to. I have started acting out with the people I love and after doing that, I feel guilty. So this self-destruction mode isn’t helping me at ALL!

I’m hoping that writing about it now, would lessen the intensity of insanity I’m experiencing these day because I don’t know what else to do.

 

P.S: And no, I still don’t wanna go to the doctor :/

Diary Entry: Blunders


Dear Diary,

Never again would I ever be the moderator of another official program in my life.

*huff!!!*

I mean, seriously, the pressure, the blunders, the anxiety…….. That’s simply too much!

In case you are wondering what happened, well, I was asked to be the moderator for a workshop organized by the faculty of Social Sciences in our university today, because our “usual” moderator had to go out of station. The anxiety started building up yesterday evening when I thought about actually doing the deed.  But I spent the whole time recording a voice-over for a video that my little cousin was making for a competition in her college. I had the basic structure and the event schedule provided to me yesterday but my mind didn’t feel fresh enough to rehearse, by the time I finished recording. So I simply ignored the urge to practice (a decision that by the way I am glad to have made now.)

My day today, started with running towards the auditorium because I was 3 minutes late as the bus wasn’t on time. But turned out that i was 7-12 minutes early anyway. Anyway, the starting was a little jittery but I survived through most of the day by rushing to refill my water bottle again and again during the times when the speakers were lecturing and then announcing the next speaker. Half of the time was spent giving introductions and the other half of the time was spent calling out the designations and names of important people of the university, like the dean, the registrar, the acting vice chancellor. Not to mention the repeated changes in the sequence of events and my hurried scrolls on my diary to remember those changes.

But that wasn’t enough. The closing ceremony was yet an even bigger disaster, waiting to happen. As I came on stage to announce the names of the resource persons and the organizing committee members for the reception of their respective shields and certificates, a teacher and the dean kept bugging me with new names or information every second which confused me so much. I guess, some accidents are bound to happen. So there I was, publicly humiliating myself by mixing the names and designations of who should present the next shield to whom. And to top it off, I didn’t know the name of our acting vice chancellor or even the registrar (thanks to me being an antisocial moron who doesn’t give a damn to whatever is happening around her) and I might even get chastised for it later. But I’m glad, the nightmare is over!

Never again!!!

And the most disappointing part of today was that I couldn’t be attentive during the whole speaker’s session and it was related to Qualitative research- my research is a qualitative one as well. Oh, and my head of department didn’t come today so that was very discouraging as well. But I’ve told her that I hate her for not coming today, even though, we both know that’s not true!

And right now, I feel like- either drinking a big mug of tea or sleeping for years without being disturbed! *rolling my eyes* (Like that’s gonna happen -_- )

Mayn, I’m tired!

*yawns*

The Monster in Shadows


Dumb name, I know! That’s why it’s a temporary one for the book I have started to write. I don’t know if I should call it a book or not. Yup, I’m still drowning in self doubt as always. But this is an internal fight. I keep doubting myself and yet I keep doing whatever stuff I doubt myself in.

Seems I’m not the only one who keeps doubting themselves. It seems to be a disease in my family. I’m not sure about my elder brother but my little brother and little sister keep doubting themselves. I know they can do the stuff they think they can’t do but they don’t know it.

My case is a little similar but a little different too. Deep down, I damn well know that there is nothing that I can’t do, that I put my mind to but doubting myself throughout the journey and self torment is kind of my thing. I hate it but I do it anyway.

I’ve been trying to think for an appropriate title for my novel but as of yet, I’ve failed miserably, hence this crappy name. I’ve updated the second chapter but it’s a short one since all my attempts at researching an area for the setting of my story have further confused me. I want my setting to be some part of England but I’ve never been outside of my own country so it’s hard to familiarize myself with the stuff of a foreign country through virtual aids only.

Another hindrance is that the story-line has been teasing, tormenting and keeping me awake at nights but I have not been able to think things through. I was just in a hurry to get things out of me as keeping them inside is a burden sometimes. The result- I’ve not thought about the details inside the plot. Which means that I will have to make up the details as I move along but move things in the direction that my plot wants me to take.

I’m not gonna back down though. I’ve started too many projects in the past and left them mid-way, but not this one. I’m going to force myself to complete this one. No matter how crappy the story goes. No matter how much of a failure it proves to be( or not).

Because, the monsters inside my head won’t rest until I have shot every single one of them.

 

Diary Entry: Super-Psyched!!!


Dear Diary,

I have started writing my first ever novel. I’m super excited. I asked my little brother for help and he gave me one of his pictures for the cover of my novel and I love it! I wasn’t sure what to name it so I just named it “The Monster in Shadows.” And instead of using my real name, I have chosen a pen name for the book. It’s EnKay Elle- Yeah, that’s kinda cooler than my actual name even though its made up of the initials of my name 😀

Anyway, I’m sharing the link to the first chapter of my novel here (Hey! I can’t help it!!!)

https://www.wattpad.com/story/103060703-the-monster-in-shadows

Do give it a read and you know, constructive criticism is always welcome!

Anyway, I should get going. I have to work on my proposal( Yup, I totally stayed up last night, writing the first chapter of my novel, instead of working on my Proposal, which is due tomorrow.)

*Shruggin’*

I really can’t help it! The story was bothering me inside my head. There is so much time I can hold my internal urges before they start controlling me. So, I gave in and poured some of the words out.

I should really, really, really go!

Until next time…..

Ciao

Diary Entry: Little Things…


Dear diary,

I’m home, both in literal and figurative sense of the word. I didn’t inform at home that I was coming. It was at a spur of the moment decision, which by the way payed off. As my little sister opened the gate to let me in, she saw me with a heavy hiking bag over my shoulders, arms open, eyes mischievous and smiling, “taadaa!!!” I couldn’t help myself, she leapt forward, flinging her arm over my shoulder and another around my waist, hugging me close for a minute or two, or perhaps more, but who is counting 😉  while jumping up and down in delight…….. totally worth it!!!

I had almost been beating my head off, thinking and thinking, obsessively, hurting myself in the process. I never knew or anticipated that I would need a break so soon from Lahore. I mean, I was home only last week and usually I kinda stay for at least one month before running back to my family, to recharge my spirit, but this time, I couldn’t even wait for a whole week. Odd, at least for me, given my history! And by my history I mean, when I went to Alhuda- to enjoy my first ever experience of a hostel and a life away from my family, I spent two months before coming back for the weekend there. I’ve always been tough and resilient that way. I don’t know what happened to me, but whatever happened, I don’t feel like worrying about it. On the contrary, I plan on enjoying this little window of respite to the full!

Oh, and I keep forgetting to post a story here that I wrote for my university magazine and it recently got published (Yup, Yaaaayyyy!!!), with some publication errors even though I read, re-read, re-re-read, re-re-re-read and even sent it to my friends for them to read and send constructive criticism, before sending it for publication. Uh, the irony! It still got published with some printing mistakes (hey! I sent them proof-read work.) But who cares?! (My heart is yelling, “of course I do, silly,” right now. Ugh!!!). Anyway, I’m happy that it has been published. It’s not exactly my first published work but I’m happy nevertheless. I’ll share it, asap, even though, I’m still a little possessive about it, for some very odd reason.

Anyway, writing again yesterday, reminded me of what I’ve been missing for so many months. I didn’t want to stop. That’s why I’m here! Plus I was happy and wanted to say something about it. A lesson I learned in my life, it’s not the big stuff, but always the little things that matter. People waiting for big stuff to happen to make them happy, keep waiting for a long long time, while the secret of happiness if actually right before their eyes, subtly hidden in the little, beautiful things….. I wish more people would start noticing.

Anyway, It’s almost 5 am. I must take my leave now.

Hoping to meet again, soon…..

Diary Entry: Dreams


Dear diary,
Dreams SUCK!
I should know, I’m a sucker for dreams. The daydreams. Not the ones seen with closed eyes. And my dream institute sucks big time as well. Not exactly the institute, but some parts of it. Major portions!
For example, my university’s hostel and management. Garrison University held a such charm in my naive mind, before I was officially a part of it. Now I know, it was made for one purpose and one purpose alone; Business!
Yes, I’m ashamed to say, that they have turned such a sacred task of transfer of knowledge into merchandise. The more students advance through their grades, the more expensive the degrees become and with hectic routines in which one can’t even do a part time job to earn, sadly enough, we; those who wish to get higher education, are breaking our parents’ backbone by taking so much money.
As if that’s not enough, mess charges are increased, whenever the management wishes to do so, without prior notice or consent. For the sake of their advertisement, they have mentioned on their website that the hostel is fully furnished(yeah, I put my stuff in an invisible cupboard everyday, and sleep on an invisible bed. How charming! )
On one side, this place has helped me in my personal growth and on the other, its the reason of a constant disappointment, rage, depression, frustration and all other such
ugly emotions- you name it!
I’m tired of this city, I’m tired of this place. Islamabad was heaven compared to this hellhole here! I wanna go back, so badly!
Waiting for any such miracle!
I must go. I’m so exhausted :/
As for these relentless people- will see you guys in front of Allah! He will see to your injustice there and then.
May Allah help save us all from such hypocritical lot, that comprises my university management.

P.S: Dear Islamabad, I miss you so badly and I would try my level best to come back soon ❤