And My Grief Became You!


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A lost dream,before being realized
I felt helpless and my heart cried
An upset mind and a grieved spirit
What a twisted, miserable life!
You knew I wasn’t here to harm
I just wanted to help you heal
But now I know you’re a broken mirror
And I’m torn into pieces,left to bleed
Your shards,cutting deep into my heart
I saw you dying and embraced you tight
Heart-rending sight,unfortunate night
My muffled cries and agonized tears
As I lost you, my beloved baby. . . .
Torn from my arms and buried deep
Thoughts of you wont let me sleep
I ask myself, day in and day out
Who were you?What was all this about?
What I hear now,is silence of a tormented soul
All this fear and sorrow, eating me up,whole
As I lie on my bed,confused
Still thinking of you. . . . . . . .
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Diary entry 100


Dear diary,
What a day and what a coincidence. I’m finally free from a hectic,tiring semester and its my 100th diary entry. Feelings of accomplishment kinda doubled 🙂
Writing this on my way home. A friend suggested that I should wrap up my whole semester in this post. And now I think why not?! (Or at least the parts that I remember :p which By the way,are going to make at least 2 or 3 posts. Hold your horses.)
Oh,the First thing I remember is losing my mind 😉 No kidding dear diary! This semester has proven to be an intense one and no doubt ,was”one heck of a time!” And yes, I did lose my memory(Short term memory).
I seem 6 months older and a little more crazy. But that’s totally okay. I enjoyed each and every  moment of this growing older. There were some additions and omissions in my life. Lost a dear friend and all because of a misunderstanding.It did hurt initially but its okay now. Lost one and made 3 new ones. An addition to my close friend list. Love the new people,absolutely. Welcome to my world peeps,the world of silence and communication through eyes 😉 Hope,your stay is longer than some others “Until death doth us part!” 😉
And then there was all the fun I had,getting closer to my bestie and knowing her better,trying to open up and share my side of story with her too.I know I failed miserably but Chloe did a great job showing me something that I used to deny for past so many years. The knowledge kinda kills me inside but the masochistic me enjoy the little heartache sometimes. The good thing is that I didn’t let that knowledge be my weakness but made it my strength. Realized that waiting for someone is so difficult.I used to feel proud that I’m patient.But things happen,(like ahem,ahem. . . )and now that patience has kinda evaporated.I have discovered a new way to love my perfect life 🙂 And yeah,I’m totally satisfied with my discovery-happy actually.Its like having a new reason for living even though I was trying to live my life in the best way I knew how.
People have stopped complaining that I’m too silent, it’s a good thing,right?!. Thanks to Chloe-or should I call you Goldilocks now? :p 😉
Sneaking out of my hostel for a trip to Goldilocks’s home,meeting her sweet family(especially the cute babies ❤ and one,the youngest,in particular.The shy one.Still remember his shy smiles when I took his name,and the laughter that followed that smile.just loved it! )
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Then the Mansehra and Abbottabad trip.The long walk trip. . . . . . Had the time of my life!
Should I come towards studies? Naah,I don’t think so :p No mood to touch any boring subject,not today at least!
Oh,and then there was the adventure of my life time-December 11,2013.How could I forget that one!!!
And the strikes in University.Me being among the 1st soldiers who marched out and stayed on the front line for 6 straight hours . . . . . .
Sitting out of our final exam-me and my whole class in solidarity with hostel fellows(me included off course :p )And the out of uni adventures with Goldilocks-I’m gonna miss those (You made me a spendthrift person Goldie!)
And Yup,I loved meeting “Peera.” The way you used to praise him,it’s not enough.He definitely deserves better.And oh,the clownish friend of yours who has been very helpful (Shhhh,don’t let him know I called him that :p )
Yup,you turned my life upside down girl! But thank you for working on a hopeless boring person like me 😉
Aaaaah!Dear diary,the more I look towards this past semester,the more I realize that I have enjoyed my self to the full! I’ve had more adventures in this little time,than I have ever had in my whole 22 and a half years.And this is not even the end.A window of hope opened for me again.I’m gonna give a chance to my lifelong dream of joining the forces after I’m done with this current degree,In sha Allah.Thanks to you,Officer buddy.And when I join,don’t you dare boss me around.I’m your therapist friend first before being your junior(oh yeah,the unauthorized therapy is going great too :p I think). Don’t you dare forget that 😉 :p
Yeah,dear diary,I’m happy.And I guess its showing (a little too much 🙂 )
Wanna keep writing but my laptop wont allow it.So lets give it some rest before it dies.
Hope to see you soon again.And will try to add more details if I remember 😉
Before I go,a special thanks to Goldilocks,Alien buddy,Sir Usama, Chicken, Fati, Saadi, Ginny, DJ-to-be-buddy and my beloved Teddy,for lighting up my days and for putting up a huge smile on my face day in and day out! Love you all dearly!

P.S:Wrote this post yesterday but wasn’t able to post it just then as my EVO had a heart attack on my way back home and my lappie died of grief :p But I didn’t wanna change anything I wrote so here is a post that was meant to be posted yesterday. Hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it 🙂 More adventures in next Post In Sha Allah!

Diary entry 99


Dear diary,
A special day is about to start. Oh,no,I’m not talking about my exam. How can I feel good about an exam :-/ As if life isn’t a big exam itself. . . .
Anyway,its my beloved Ginny’s birthday.
A quick glance at the beautiful past-our past-and I can’t stop myself from wanting to relive to imperfect yet most “perfect” moments of my life.
Our story started in grade 9. I used to (pretty much) keep to myself most of the time even then. Reading Harry Potter novels during lunch break,in class,eating my lunch,while all the class fellows used to go out and have fun. She was new in class. She used to stare at me from a distance wondering. . . . .
Then one day she finally came to me during break and asked me what I was reading. It was Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix,I told her. She asked me,how do I stay so quiet all the time?Don’t I have any friends in class?My answer was simple. “Everyone is my friend here.Just not best friend.I don’t make best friends anymore.”
What a lousy start,right?! But who knew it would be a start of something so new,so powerful. Who knew,she would be the friend I have always wanted,the friend I have always needed!
Yes,she stayed with me,all those years.In happy times and in moments of my demise-holding me,hugging me close. She was the one,who never said no. The only regret I have in my heart is that when it was time of her need,I was not anywhere to be seen.I had already left for Islamabad. And she didn’t say a word. Not even when she needed me the most. I wish I was there,now more than ever.
Anyway,this post is meant for my lovely Ginny. Many Happy Returns Of The Day Sweetie!!!
You hold a big portion of my heart,now and forever!!!
*lotsa warm hugs for you*

Love,
Me.

In Search of True Love


Blinded by some unruly emotions
No wonder when I took the wrong turn
Searching for love in this savage world
Turning over every stone,
Going door to door.
But where to find this true love?
Where does it live?
What does it look like?

I stumbled,I fell but never gave up
For it seemed to be a matter of life and death
But alas! I was wrong. . . . . . . so wrong!
Love isn’t life,as they tell you,it is
You find true love,you may live
And if you don’t,you still stay alive
It’s all just stories,all that fancy talk
No one dies of a broken heart
And “True Love,”it’s a fiction,a myth
A fabrication of an idle mind,it is!

Diary entry 98


Dear diary,

I’ve been a little out of sorts lately. Haven’t been able to sleep properly. Health is better but my mind is so messed up. And the sleep deprivation. . . . . My eyes hurt. And I have a deep urge to cry. I don’t know how much my mind is responsible for this feeling beside the hurting eyes. There are days in every person’s life when they want to let go and cry hard. Days when they want to be taken care of, for a change. Days when even the bravest and strongest of the people want to be treated like a fragile being………
Its my day today. Its my moment of weakness I guess. I want a break from being strong for myself and for others, just a little break. . . . a tear or two, to escape my eyes. . . . because those who cry are not weak. Those who dare to cry, they are strong enough to let go. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness. They are a person’s strength, a way of saying, “I’ve had too much. I have tolerated enough. Its time to say goodbye to the past and to future; aye, aye!”

Well, I’m doing the same right now. Preparing myself for whatever life has in store for me. I’m strong again. I have shed my worries, my doubts and my fears with these tears, that dry on my face right now. I’ve learned that the more you feel self-pity, the more miserable you become. That’s not an option for me. It never was.
So once again, this soldier is ready to take on all the battles that come her way. Once again, out in the open, fighter mode on 🙂
P.S: Another post coming on next(in a bit 🙂 Yup, mind and creative spirit is in over drive these days or something.)

Nightmare


A smile like waves in an ocean
A laugh, setting fire in water
Consuming me whole….
My body and soul…..
I wake up with a start; shaking
From my nightmare, that’s love
Destructive, combustible, chaotic
Joined with my name, this shame
Eating away my spirit, my bane
No help, no aid, no healing touch
Just pain and an everlasting wait….

Diary entry 97


Dear diary,
This soldier is down with sore throat and temperature again. Eyes kept hurting all night. Didn’t get a good night’s sleep. Kept myself busy,trying to perform a small task for a friend( love working on Adobe Audition. Wish someone professional would teach it to me properly some day).
Chloe is obsessed with that song I edited last night-Hand to Mouth,by George Micheal. Gawd,now its driving me crazy,literally! Shes been continuously listening to it for more than 24 hours :-/
Went out with Chloe again. This time,to Savour Foods, Blue Area. Had a lovely time.
And my eyes hurt so much by now.They are watering.
I should probably rest.
More later In Sha Allah!
P.S:Chloe,lemme turn off this song now PLEASE!!! :-/