And My Grief Became You!


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A lost dream,before being realized
I felt helpless and my heart cried
An upset mind and a grieved spirit
What a twisted, miserable life!
You knew I wasn’t here to harm
I just wanted to help you heal
But now I know you’re a broken mirror
And I’m torn into pieces,left to bleed
Your shards,cutting deep into my heart
I saw you dying and embraced you tight
Heart-rending sight,unfortunate night
My muffled cries and agonized tears
As I lost you, my beloved baby. . . .
Torn from my arms and buried deep
Thoughts of you wont let me sleep
I ask myself, day in and day out
Who were you?What was all this about?
What I hear now,is silence of a tormented soul
All this fear and sorrow, eating me up,whole
As I lie on my bed,confused
Still thinking of you. . . . . . . .
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Diary entry 100


Dear diary,
What a day and what a coincidence. I’m finally free from a hectic,tiring semester and its my 100th diary entry. Feelings of accomplishment kinda doubled 🙂
Writing this on my way home. A friend suggested that I should wrap up my whole semester in this post. And now I think why not?! (Or at least the parts that I remember :p which By the way,are going to make at least 2 or 3 posts. Hold your horses.)
Oh,the First thing I remember is losing my mind 😉 No kidding dear diary! This semester has proven to be an intense one and no doubt ,was”one heck of a time!” And yes, I did lose my memory(Short term memory).
I seem 6 months older and a little more crazy. But that’s totally okay. I enjoyed each and every  moment of this growing older. There were some additions and omissions in my life. Lost a dear friend and all because of a misunderstanding.It did hurt initially but its okay now. Lost one and made 3 new ones. An addition to my close friend list. Love the new people,absolutely. Welcome to my world peeps,the world of silence and communication through eyes 😉 Hope,your stay is longer than some others “Until death doth us part!” 😉
And then there was all the fun I had,getting closer to my bestie and knowing her better,trying to open up and share my side of story with her too.I know I failed miserably but Chloe did a great job showing me something that I used to deny for past so many years. The knowledge kinda kills me inside but the masochistic me enjoy the little heartache sometimes. The good thing is that I didn’t let that knowledge be my weakness but made it my strength. Realized that waiting for someone is so difficult.I used to feel proud that I’m patient.But things happen,(like ahem,ahem. . . )and now that patience has kinda evaporated.I have discovered a new way to love my perfect life 🙂 And yeah,I’m totally satisfied with my discovery-happy actually.Its like having a new reason for living even though I was trying to live my life in the best way I knew how.
People have stopped complaining that I’m too silent, it’s a good thing,right?!. Thanks to Chloe-or should I call you Goldilocks now? :p 😉
Sneaking out of my hostel for a trip to Goldilocks’s home,meeting her sweet family(especially the cute babies ❤ and one,the youngest,in particular.The shy one.Still remember his shy smiles when I took his name,and the laughter that followed that smile.just loved it! )
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Then the Mansehra and Abbottabad trip.The long walk trip. . . . . . Had the time of my life!
Should I come towards studies? Naah,I don’t think so :p No mood to touch any boring subject,not today at least!
Oh,and then there was the adventure of my life time-December 11,2013.How could I forget that one!!!
And the strikes in University.Me being among the 1st soldiers who marched out and stayed on the front line for 6 straight hours . . . . . .
Sitting out of our final exam-me and my whole class in solidarity with hostel fellows(me included off course :p )And the out of uni adventures with Goldilocks-I’m gonna miss those (You made me a spendthrift person Goldie!)
And Yup,I loved meeting “Peera.” The way you used to praise him,it’s not enough.He definitely deserves better.And oh,the clownish friend of yours who has been very helpful (Shhhh,don’t let him know I called him that :p )
Yup,you turned my life upside down girl! But thank you for working on a hopeless boring person like me 😉
Aaaaah!Dear diary,the more I look towards this past semester,the more I realize that I have enjoyed my self to the full! I’ve had more adventures in this little time,than I have ever had in my whole 22 and a half years.And this is not even the end.A window of hope opened for me again.I’m gonna give a chance to my lifelong dream of joining the forces after I’m done with this current degree,In sha Allah.Thanks to you,Officer buddy.And when I join,don’t you dare boss me around.I’m your therapist friend first before being your junior(oh yeah,the unauthorized therapy is going great too :p I think). Don’t you dare forget that 😉 :p
Yeah,dear diary,I’m happy.And I guess its showing (a little too much 🙂 )
Wanna keep writing but my laptop wont allow it.So lets give it some rest before it dies.
Hope to see you soon again.And will try to add more details if I remember 😉
Before I go,a special thanks to Goldilocks,Alien buddy,Sir Usama, Chicken, Fati, Saadi, Ginny, DJ-to-be-buddy and my beloved Teddy,for lighting up my days and for putting up a huge smile on my face day in and day out! Love you all dearly!

P.S:Wrote this post yesterday but wasn’t able to post it just then as my EVO had a heart attack on my way back home and my lappie died of grief :p But I didn’t wanna change anything I wrote so here is a post that was meant to be posted yesterday. Hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it 🙂 More adventures in next Post In Sha Allah!

Diary entry 99


Dear diary,
A special day is about to start. Oh,no,I’m not talking about my exam. How can I feel good about an exam :-/ As if life isn’t a big exam itself. . . .
Anyway,its my beloved Ginny’s birthday.
A quick glance at the beautiful past-our past-and I can’t stop myself from wanting to relive to imperfect yet most “perfect” moments of my life.
Our story started in grade 9. I used to (pretty much) keep to myself most of the time even then. Reading Harry Potter novels during lunch break,in class,eating my lunch,while all the class fellows used to go out and have fun. She was new in class. She used to stare at me from a distance wondering. . . . .
Then one day she finally came to me during break and asked me what I was reading. It was Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix,I told her. She asked me,how do I stay so quiet all the time?Don’t I have any friends in class?My answer was simple. “Everyone is my friend here.Just not best friend.I don’t make best friends anymore.”
What a lousy start,right?! But who knew it would be a start of something so new,so powerful. Who knew,she would be the friend I have always wanted,the friend I have always needed!
Yes,she stayed with me,all those years.In happy times and in moments of my demise-holding me,hugging me close. She was the one,who never said no. The only regret I have in my heart is that when it was time of her need,I was not anywhere to be seen.I had already left for Islamabad. And she didn’t say a word. Not even when she needed me the most. I wish I was there,now more than ever.
Anyway,this post is meant for my lovely Ginny. Many Happy Returns Of The Day Sweetie!!!
You hold a big portion of my heart,now and forever!!!
*lotsa warm hugs for you*

Love,
Me.

In Search of True Love


Blinded by some unruly emotions
No wonder when I took the wrong turn
Searching for love in this savage world
Turning over every stone,
Going door to door.
But where to find this true love?
Where does it live?
What does it look like?

I stumbled,I fell but never gave up
For it seemed to be a matter of life and death
But alas! I was wrong. . . . . . . so wrong!
Love isn’t life,as they tell you,it is
You find true love,you may live
And if you don’t,you still stay alive
It’s all just stories,all that fancy talk
No one dies of a broken heart
And “True Love,”it’s a fiction,a myth
A fabrication of an idle mind,it is!

Diary entry 98


Dear diary,

I’ve been a little out of sorts lately. Haven’t been able to sleep properly. Health is better but my mind is so messed up. And the sleep deprivation. . . . . My eyes hurt. And I have a deep urge to cry. I don’t know how much my mind is responsible for this feeling beside the hurting eyes. There are days in every person’s life when they want to let go and cry hard. Days when they want to be taken care of, for a change. Days when even the bravest and strongest of the people want to be treated like a fragile being………
Its my day today. Its my moment of weakness I guess. I want a break from being strong for myself and for others, just a little break. . . . a tear or two, to escape my eyes. . . . because those who cry are not weak. Those who dare to cry, they are strong enough to let go. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness. They are a person’s strength, a way of saying, “I’ve had too much. I have tolerated enough. Its time to say goodbye to the past and to future; aye, aye!”

Well, I’m doing the same right now. Preparing myself for whatever life has in store for me. I’m strong again. I have shed my worries, my doubts and my fears with these tears, that dry on my face right now. I’ve learned that the more you feel self-pity, the more miserable you become. That’s not an option for me. It never was.
So once again, this soldier is ready to take on all the battles that come her way. Once again, out in the open, fighter mode on 🙂
P.S: Another post coming on next(in a bit 🙂 Yup, mind and creative spirit is in over drive these days or something.)

Nightmare


A smile like waves in an ocean
A laugh, setting fire in water
Consuming me whole….
My body and soul…..
I wake up with a start; shaking
From my nightmare, that’s love
Destructive, combustible, chaotic
Joined with my name, this shame
Eating away my spirit, my bane
No help, no aid, no healing touch
Just pain and an everlasting wait….

Diary entry 97


Dear diary,
This soldier is down with sore throat and temperature again. Eyes kept hurting all night. Didn’t get a good night’s sleep. Kept myself busy,trying to perform a small task for a friend( love working on Adobe Audition. Wish someone professional would teach it to me properly some day).
Chloe is obsessed with that song I edited last night-Hand to Mouth,by George Micheal. Gawd,now its driving me crazy,literally! Shes been continuously listening to it for more than 24 hours :-/
Went out with Chloe again. This time,to Savour Foods, Blue Area. Had a lovely time.
And my eyes hurt so much by now.They are watering.
I should probably rest.
More later In Sha Allah!
P.S:Chloe,lemme turn off this song now PLEASE!!! :-/

Desire


Seeing you with someone else
Is my personal share of hell
I don’t feel jealous, I don’t cry
But my inside just wants to die
I burn, I ache, I writhe in pain
I wither, I crumble, I withdraw
Until what’s left is a mute me
Insane, coward, the living dead
No, I’m still not jealous
And it’s just pain, it will pass
I knew you were bad
But I entered danger zone
I took the chance
Now I burn in fire
Of my own desire
Alone, waiting for you!

Diary entry 96


Dear diary,
I haven’t started studying yet and it my paper in the morning. Eyes keep hurting these days, sleep cycle has gone awry, imagination is running wild. It’s like I don’t live in this world anymore. On one hand, these feelings are lovely but on the other hand they sometimes scare me. I mean being so happy might come with a price too. There is a part in me that’s preparing me for that big moment. But on the whole, I’m happy and it’s difficult not to be. I have the “bestest” friend,always around me, making me laugh, sometimes makes me blush and sometimes challenges me in various different ways. What else can a person ask for?!

Anyway, today DIG of Islamabad came just around mess time to sort out the things. Thank God! Somebody is paying attention at least. These hypocritical management people would’ve eaten the innocent female population alive if there wasn’t anyone before whom they were accountable. Do you want me to say it now, “On your face!!!?” Or would you like to put up some more stunts before we win again and say it, dear university management?
Anyway, Chloe is waiting for me to finish writing so that we can start studying.
So, gotta go……

Catch you some time later In Sha Allah!

Diary entry 95


Dear diary,
I’ve been up all night trying to study but instead having fun with my bestie. News of a strike were buzzing in the air all day and night. By the time it was 06:30 am, it felt something like strike was on so I went out too (Chloe went to sleep). But when me and some other hostel fellows reached male campus girls were retreating. We saw two or three buses entering university and girls came running back towards female campus, shouting block the campus,shut the doors and don’t alert the guards,keep silent. . . . . .blah,blah,blah. . . . .(Nope I’m not against you girls. I was there because I wanted to be. But there is something called management. We should all learn a bit of it at least!) Anyway, strike seemed an epic fail initially. What with the meager strength and lack of discipline. So I called my bestie at 08:00am to let her know that paper was on. Reluctantly she came to campus and saw a big crowd of day scholars and hostelites outside university blocks.
What happened today. . . . .
Well, yesterday, about 15 security guards entered female hostel block and threw a girl’s belongings out in open,assaulting her both physically and verbally (this has been happening from some past days.They are literally throwing out girls). And today some female students came out to condemn the act and they were abused verbally and some got beaten by the guards. Hearing this, those girls who were in hostel to study for their final exam came out to help out their sisters. And alhamdulillah some day scholars came and joined forces with hostel students and fought for our rights and our honour.
A big thank you to those brave girls who helped us. Our paper got postponed as my class showed unity (for the very first time in 2 and a half years)and sat out the paper time 😉 Management tried to force girls to give up and some of them were giving orders to guards to beat the girls if they have to. Seeing the chaos, lady police officers were summoned. There’s been an F.I.R filed against Provost and today was the hearing in court that Provost missed (I hope she is forced to resign for rusticating those innocent students,for snubbing our voices,for ordering assault of students by security guards,for being lying hypocritical . . . .ahem,ahem.Yeah! ).
The girl they expelled yesterday night was a PhD Scholar and hearing the unfortunate news, her father got a heart attack. Some mixed news are vibrating that he is serious and some say he died. University Administration isn’t allowing any Media to do the event coverage. Payed them off. Lets see how long are you able to keep our voices down. There will be a time when we would be able to say “On your faces,administration and the so-called disciplinary committee!”
Male population (or some of them) were promising they would make history and they would help their sisters. . . . .blah,blah,blah. Remind me again,why didn’t I trust even a single word you said yesterday :-/ Seriously guys,if you don’t wanna help,then don’t! Just stop acting like hypocrites! We already have enough on our hands,don’t need any more to worry about. Thank You very much!!!
Anyway,I’m too tired to go on right now.
Later,will try to upload the video Chloe just made. It’s a talk between Female DIG (if I’m not wrong),Provost and students.
Right now I need to get some sleep…….

P.S:I dunno why I keep awake on the exact night of strike and then tire myself :-/ I hate you,”Me!”