Diary entry 121


Dear diary,
my finals have started. Today was my first exam. It went great alhamdulillah. I’m glad it’s over! No more Psychological testing, thank goodness!!! My head is a little out of water but it’s still more under. Until my Mental Health and Psychopathology 2 paper isn’t over, I wont be able to breathe properly. And Gawd, I’m so distracted these days, completely out of focus and don’t even have the motivation to study. I think I wouldn’t even study if I didn’t have to help my friend with her preparation. Just today, I saw two movies. And don’t even get me started on my sleep. I mean I have always had a very sound sleep and now I’m missing it so much! Every night, I wake up without any reason or need at all,just like that. My eyes open, head spins a little, I check my cell phone, close my eyes and in the next instant, I’m fast asleep again. It happens almost 2 to 3 times every night and as many times in the day. I tire my mind so much these days thinking that today I will most definitely sleep till late. But it never happens. Yeah, this means I have to take lots of naps during the day. And guess what, just when I try to study, my eyes start closing :-/
Today, I didn’t sleep in the day so hopefully I will get a peaceful night’s sleep. I’m so yearning for it!
There is a little kid that I wish to be able to kiss before he grows older. I think I’m in love with him. He’s 3 and a half months old and his laughter and smiles are so endearing that its difficult to see him but not being able to touch him. Actually, he’s my “alien buddy’s” nephew and he’s a complete darling!
I dunno if and when I’ll be able to meet him. Yup, it makes me sad that I can’t. He reminds me of the little me. The 4-year-old me. One who was obsessed with infants and new-born babies. I love him with the same passion of that little girl who used to spend hours and hours in CMH Nowshehra nursery, looking at the babies, touching their soft hands and cheeks, talking to the “Sister” on duty. I wanna do that again but seems like I wont get to do that unless its my own baby we are talking about. And I dunno how many years that would take but I’m sure it’s a lot of years I’m talking about.
And now I miss my home and my little cousins.with whom I play at home.
Arrghhhh, this stupid little emotional fool heart of mine, and an equally masochistic brain to go with it……. Wont you two rest before I have a nervous breakdown?! :-/ (God forbid! I don’t want that to happen.)
And my mind seems to be enjoying this writing exercise today( I totally hate you at this very moment. I wanted to sleep!!!)
Oh, I forgot to mention, evening walks in the lawn have been added to my routine(naah,not regular but I guess they would become so.)Yup, I’m shocked too.
And I look like a zombie again,with so many dark circles around my eyes :-/ (as if I care!)
I should probably go before I spill out any of my deep dark secrets, which by the way, I’m inclining towards doing.
I will see you when I see you!

Advertisements

Diary entry 120


Dear diary,
I found speech recognition in my laptop today. It’s like a dream come true. Some time back I told you I saw a movie called “Her” and I told you that I was kinda jealous that the guy had the most perfect job,dictating love letters to his computer and sending them to people signed from their loved ones. Well,I had no idea I would find one such thing right here and that too not long after. Wow! I’m still spellbound. Trying it has been a lot of fun. It keeps misunderstanding me.I was just testing it earlier today so I half sang to my laptop (yeah,it would’ve looked absurd but thank goodness, I was alone in my room.) Look what I narrated and what my lappie understood:
I said “how many times do I have to tell you,even when you’re crying, you’re beautiful too. The world keeps beating you down, I’m around through every move. You’re my downfall,you’re my muse,my worst distraction,my rhythms and blues. Cant stop singin’ its ringin’ in my head for you” and it wrote ‘how many times do I have to tell you even when you try your beautiful to Dora keeps beating you down on the ranch two every move here my downfall of your menus my worst distraction my rhythm and blues cap stocks sending castoffs thinking it’s raining in my head for you’
Gave me a laugh that I’ve been missing for some time.
I have been listening to a song, obsessing over it actually. It’s “too late to apologize by Justin Timeberlake.” I’m reminded of my past whenever I listen to it(radio days). My time of innocence. Oh no,I wasn’t too innocent then but at least I wasn’t the way I am now. Raw passion and words- that was the time when I started to write. I haven’t exactly stopped after that. Just small breaks-sometimes not too small breaks too.
Anyway, I’ve been killing my throat by trying to sing “Kabhi Shaam Dhale to mere dil me aa jana from movie Sur.” And guess what,my roommates tried to join me too. It was fun. I wish I could record the whole thing and keep it or even post it here. Can’t exactly call them bloopers but it was all extremely hilarious.
Goldie tried to teach me tango steps. I have to say, I must be the worst dancer there could ever be. And you know why? Because I don’t try hard enough and because I am kinda shy when it comes to dancing. So if I have to learn,I have to stop being shy(yeah,I know,I know!)
Something amazing just happened. I started writing this diary yesterday and I’m still writing 🙂 Oh no,this isn’t the amazing part. I just talked with a friend of my roommate from Kenya in Urdu so fluent that my mind still refuses to accept that he’s from Kenya. Wow,seriously! And his “really” reminded me of a DJ friend of mine,so soft and so sweet. His style of speech resembled that of any Pakistani DJ reciting poetry in late night shows,mellow and clear with a slight hint of Pushto speakers. (I’m kinda feeling ashamed that my Urdu isn’t that good.) But it was a great experience. Didn’t feel like I was speaking to a total stranger.
My driving lesson last time went great. 3rd time behind the wheel and I was already driving without supervision. I hope I start on an actual road as quickly as understood the instructions and put them to work. I’m hopeful.
Finals are just around the corner. Have a quiz in the morning for which I haven’t prepared again. But that’s the usual me.
Both besties still giving me a hard time. I dunno if I would ever get used to it. Losing either one isn’t an option. No,I’m not gonna do that. No matter what.
Before I go,I’m gonna talk about a third song(Wow,someone tell me what’s happening.3 songs in one post…..) Its lyrics are what caught my attention. Loved them. The whole song is amazing. I can’t decide what part to keep and what part to skip. So here it goes:
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything
I can do it
I’ll get through it
But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

Just a little human
I can take so much
‘Til I’ve had enough
‘Cause I’m only human…..
No more words,its self-explanatory. Gotta hit the bed if. . . .if I wanna wake up in time for my classes.

Buonanotte!

Love happened anyway


It’s a dangerous path a friend said.
Don’t let love mess with your head.
I’ll be on my guard, I replied.
And I swear before God, I tried.
But love happened anyway!

It was all new and overwhelming
Beauteous became everything
Pleasures amplified ten folds.
One face, eyes wanted to behold.
Yes, love happened!

I would keep dreaming all day
No time to eat, no time to play.
Come home, my dear loved one.
My pride, happiness, my joy, my fun
Seriously, love happened!

What was yours is now mine
Heart so kind, beauty divine
Sunshine for smile, touch so tender
Warmth and life, your one glance render
Oh boy, love happened!

Diary entry 119


Dear diary,
I know,its been too long since I last wrote. I wasn’t short of words of incidents to report, it was just lack of motivation. But from past one day, I have been driven crazy by my unruly thoughts. I’m not gonna say what nightmares I have had for past some days. Some things are better left alone, untouched. Some secrets are better buried deep in damp, cold and the darkest part of the soul.
The good thing is, I’m going to start a Tajweed class this week In Sha Allah. I’m pretty excited about it.
Yesterday was my second time to drive a car but first time, without any supervision. I enjoyed every bit of the experience. Hoping to get great at it very soon.
Argh, not writing for so long has its own negative effects. My mind is numb and all muddled up. I dunno what I’m writing and how. Nothing seems  right and nothing seems to matter at this very moment. I just want to lie down and sleep,without any more waiting.
Any hopes and chances of me writing anything good today are equal to zero, but I might pop up early in the morning to try again. For now, I better hit the bed and try to catch up on some lost hours of sleep.
Chao!