Reflections


Sometimes, a teacher learns from a student; a patient heals the healer, and imperfection saves your life…..

And sometimes, you don’t learn from your own mistakes, you don’t save yourself enough. You give out too much, keeping nothing for your own self. Falling in love again, after nursing a broken heart is brave but always ending up giving that love to the wrong persons, that where bravery ends. For I read somewhere that the amount of love you give out today is the amount of hurt you sign yourself up for. And most often than not, the things that we  love the most are the things that hurt us the most.

This post was not supposed to be this way but every single time that I’ve hurt anyone I love, has been a time when I hurt myself even more. I’m not the self destructive type, don’t get me wrong. I do some other kind of destruction, or rather my mind does. Sleepless nights, spent tossing and turning, crying behind closed doors, wanting to eat but even the thought of food making me nauseous, drawing or writing or even singing to try to control the pressure building inside…….

Why do I do it? Today I asked myself. And I’m not surprised at all, I didn’t have any answer.

“I just do-it’s just the way I am!”

I’m getting tired of this stupid, lame excuse!!!
I know myself, I can ignore people when I get tired of too much human interaction but I would never be able to ignore anyone out of anger. But this is me…… my heart just melts too easy. I’m the girl, who always ends up fighting for the wrong people and for all the wrong reason. That’s who I was and that’s who I am. Guess, some things just never change……..

Diary Entry:So long….


Dear Diary,

It’s been a long while, I know, I know! There was a time when I used to write regularly. Sometimes even twice or thrice in the same day. But times have changed. I still have so much to say, all the time but there are other things that keep my mind clogged all the time. Anyway, it’s almost the end of my 2nd semester here at Lahore Garrison University and the journey has been slightly bumpy but full of learning and fun. I’m happy here, Alhamdulillah! I don’t like Lahore and I still desperately miss Islamabad but when it’s time to leave, I’m going to miss my teacher so very much!
Anyway, I should be working on my case reports which were due yesterday but there was something inside me, stopping me from actually getting on with my work. My internal alarm is buzzing slightly telling me something awful is just waiting to happen. It’s  strong enough to make me restless. And that’s how I ended up writing here, instead of working on my case reports(my supervisor might kill me for being 2 days late >.< ). We had a meeting with our head of department yesterday. All the class representatives were present. In the past, I always used to get frustrated inside because whenever there were any competitions held in the uni, we, the post graduate classes in particular and my whole department in general, were never told about them until it was already too late to participate. And now, they need our active participation in different activities. That’s kinda good news, I guess. The times have changed for the better!
Most of the activities involve writing stuff. University magazine is about to come out and we are supposed to send in our work as well. First to the department, then they would choose which ones to forward to literary society. I wonder sometimes, why am I not a part of the literary society. But then my mind laughs and says “nice joke!” :p Yes i write but I don’t write anything of a substance. I really need to work on that. And yeah, I know I’m a helluva lazy person, which reminds me, I still haven’t completed the research work that I was supposed to do for a conference. I’m lagging behind and writing stuff that isn’t coming directly from my mind or the one that has facts and figures, it exhausts me, so MUCH! The conference has been moved to August, which isn’t a very comforting news. And what the hell am I doing anyway, trying to conduct researches?! I don’t even like research work! 😐 I know my teacher is the culprit behind this erratic behaviour of mine. She talks to inspire and her smile, it adds magic. She got to me like she gets to most people and I love her for that!
Ughhh, the case studies- I seriously hate them! I mean, the actual work is fun. But writing detailed histories and all the repetitive stuff…… it’s exhausting! I must go now. Have a long way to go before I am done with them :/

Ciao!