Diary Entry: Unsettled


Dear diary,
future is always so uncertain. And uncertainty calls for anxiety. I’m certain that what I want, won’t be presented to me in a silver platter for me to enjoy. That never happens. I know I will have to fight for it. It’s just hard when the things that I am passionate about, people- my folks, don’t agree with them and offer resistance. They say stuff that either hurts me or make me fume, and sometimes, both!
Right now, my instinct says, “get ready for the fight!” And there is a dread settling inside me. I don’t wanna fight anyone! I want things to go smoothly but I have a feeling that they won’t. Writing in here isn’t making me better as there is a lot of work to be done. I have to do my clearance from my university first, get my transcript and degree. That’s the easy part(not really, but still easier!).
*Sigh*
My bigger worry would be, convincing my father to let me study further. The way my brother reacted to the news of me studying in Co-ed institute, broke my heart and more than that, made me furious! Thank goodness, he’s not my father! Anyway, my folks know I’m the most obstinate person when I have to be- a total bitch! (No, I’m not proud of that. But this is what my society made me!)
Still, I have put the decision of my future in the hands of Allah(SWT) He has saved me from countless wrong decisions and difficulties, and He definitely, won’t leave me alone now!
I must get ready for Asr Salah. Hopefully, will see you soon. In Sha Allah!

Diary Entry: Going Home


Dear diary,
I’m going home, today. For how long, I don’t know. What am I gonna do there, that’s a big mystery too. It’s been 5 years now, I’ve been out of my place, away from my folks….. And I’m going home now and I don’t know them much anymore- they don’t know me much either. Its not like I don’t visit. But weekends aren’t really enough when most of that time, you spend in your journey. Anyway, I’m hoping that they won’t try to clip my wings. They are small but they are mine, nevertheless. And they know how much I love my freedom and it’s one thing I never compromise on. The day when this truly sank in my mind, that my degree has been completed and I can’t stay here anymore, I felt weird. I wanted to stay. I know my mind set didn’t change too much but it certainly wasn’t conservative in the first place….unlike people back at my home station. Anyway, I know I might have to do a LOT of fighting and standing up back there. It’s fine with me as long as I don’t hurt anybody’s feelings. I know I would tread with care but I know I am no more the kind of person I used to be and I slip up, more than once,in a while. I am quick to anger-AGAIN :/ but I’m quick at letting go as well. I’ve been suffering from “Negativitis” for past two nights but I’m still hoping for the best while preparing my mind for the worst as well. Goodness!I’m getting late!
I gotta go. Dunno when I would be able to write next or if I would be able to, at all!
No, It’s not a goodbye. I will manage to come back somehow, in sha Allah!
Writing here has been a constant help in my effort to release stress and anxiety- and I already feel better. Okay, I really gotta run now!

P.S: Until we meet again 🙂

Haters, Traitors, Alligators….


I’ve been dying to write this post ever since I got stabbed in the back 😀 Yeah, I’m happy about it. All this pretending and back-stabbing has gone for too long. I see people for who they really are, not as I want to see them. It’s another matter that I keep ignoring, forgiving and trying to save my relationships. And in one way it’s good that the pretenders, haters in disguises and traitors don’t stay for much longer around me. Yes, I’m too blessed that Allah pushes every deceiver out of my life. Every impure person leaves one way or other. And because I don’t have a habit of ratting people out, people do find me on their own to share stuff that’s tough for them. I can’t say I’m worth all that. But Allah does send them to me to help me heal. Yes, I heal in the process of helping others. And as for liars and cheaters, they keep showing up at times and then they are driven out after some time, without me trying….
Anyway, I recently got betrayed and it didn’t really come as a surprise. I made my peace with it. I had to. When I first thought of writing this post, the wound was still fresh. I planned on sparing no one that night. But with the passage of time, I let my hurt and anger drain out, because that’s who I am! I can’t keep grudges or hate :/
Yes, I’m tired of haters, traitors, stalkers and all other types of alligators who keep looking for a chance to hurt me and to swallow me whole. NO!!! I’m not gonna let anyone destroy me like that. And you all being so hell bent on trying to roughen up my life says so  much about yours.
One and only one sentence for you peeps- Get a life people!

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Protected: Diary Entry: Matters of the Heart…..


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Life….


Set it free, set it free,
Let the bird fly.
Let it soar high above
The limit is the sky.

Let it loose, let it loose,
Untie the mast.
Let the winds tease,
Move until it lasts.

Put it out, put it out,
Extinguish the fire.
So that you may rest,
Burn out the deepest desire.

Shove it in, shove it in,
Snub it, dry the tears.
Put on a brave face,
Fight now, all your fears.

And tired when you are,
And think world’s at its wit’s end
That’s the moment where life begins
Quit dying, live. Your life, go mend.

Some More Of Love


All the bitter ones said,love is crap,
Don’t do it. It’s so overrated.
All the naïve ones said, oh its life.
Do it when you get the chance.
Me….. I’m none of these……
In fact I don’t know who I am anymore.
In pursuit of love and you,
I found that I went too far.
I lost myself,trying to find you
And then I lost you too,to the world!
Now I’m a ruined me,
Living without feeling life within.
An empty body,an incomplete soul….

He’s An Angry Man


He wakes up with a frown on.
Why did she wake him up so soon!
He snaps at her, at the breakfast table.
Food’s crappy,he puts on a label.
Getting ready for work is a similar story.
Single wrong crease,and here comes fury.
He turns his back and irritated,he leaves.
He’s an angry man,that nobody believes.
In office, he’s a charming,people person.
Someone who listens and sees reason.
He smiles with a colleague, or a client.
His home fury is left far behind.
His conduct is perfect, he outshines others.
His wife copes alone and he never bothers.
It’s time to go home,have some rest.
To put his mate’s patience to another test.
The frown returns as he enters the gate.
She’s ready for another go,that’s her fate.
As fate would have it,he has a fall.
She gives him a shoulder even though she’s small.
He gains conscious,from a deep slumber.
His ill-treatment of her, he remembers.
He breaks into tears, guilty he feels.
Asking forgiveness,hoping she heals.
She cries,hugging him to her, close.
Saying,she happy with the life she chose.
Together they live better,love flows.
No longer an angry man,he’s changed now.

Unrequited Love


Nothing seems in control,
Nothing seems right.
Love could have fooled me,
I would’ve given up the fight.
So what, if he doesn’t know,
That I exist as a person too?
He’s been and always will be,
My life,my light!
And when tears become prayers,
I believe they get answered.
He’s mine and stays mine,
Teary eyed I pray every night.
I should have asked for forgiveness
For all my sins,my misgivings.
Could have raised me from cinders
To a great height.
But I’m a masochist,I preferred pain.
Love was all ache and no gain.
So I plunged in deep,never to return.
This fate I chose, so, alone I burn.
Oh, I hope this flame burns so high,
That you have to give in with a sigh.
For my love is a fire that won’t extinguish.
Come save me from my anguish.
It’s aglow for you, it wont die
With each blow it’ll get more bright!