Conflicting Emotions

The world says, “Stay put,”
My temper says, “My foot!”
Mind warns, “Don’t be angry.”
Heart worries,”You’ll hurt me.”
Eyes betray,lips pout,
Inside whispers, “let me out!”


Diary Entry: Unsettled

Dear diary,
future is always so uncertain. And uncertainty calls for anxiety. I’m certain that what I want, won’t be presented to me in a silver platter for me to enjoy. That never happens. I know I will have to fight for it. It’s just hard when the things that I am passionate about, people- my folks, don’t agree with them and offer resistance. They say stuff that either hurts me or make me fume, and sometimes, both!
Right now, my instinct says, “get ready for the fight!” And there is a dread settling inside me. I don’t wanna fight anyone! I want things to go smoothly but I have a feeling that they won’t. Writing in here isn’t making me better as there is a lot of work to be done. I have to do my clearance from my university first, get my transcript and degree. That’s the easy part(not really, but still easier!).
My bigger worry would be, convincing my father to let me study further. The way my brother reacted to the news of me studying in Co-ed institute, broke my heart and more than that, made me furious! Thank goodness, he’s not my father! Anyway, my folks know I’m the most obstinate person when I have to be- a total bitch! (No, I’m not proud of that. But this is what my society made me!)
Still, I have put the decision of my future in the hands of Allah(SWT) He has saved me from countless wrong decisions and difficulties, and He definitely, won’t leave me alone now!
I must get ready for Asr Salah. Hopefully, will see you soon. In Sha Allah!

Diary Entry: Going Home

Dear diary,
I’m going home, today. For how long, I don’t know. What am I gonna do there, that’s a big mystery too. It’s been 5 years now, I’ve been out of my place, away from my folks….. And I’m going home now and I don’t know them much anymore- they don’t know me much either. Its not like I don’t visit. But weekends aren’t really enough when most of that time, you spend in your journey. Anyway, I’m hoping that they won’t try to clip my wings. They are small but they are mine, nevertheless. And they know how much I love my freedom and it’s one thing I never compromise on. The day when this truly sank in my mind, that my degree has been completed and I can’t stay here anymore, I felt weird. I wanted to stay. I know my mind set didn’t change too much but it certainly wasn’t conservative in the first place….unlike people back at my home station. Anyway, I know I might have to do a LOT of fighting and standing up back there. It’s fine with me as long as I don’t hurt anybody’s feelings. I know I would tread with care but I know I am no more the kind of person I used to be and I slip up, more than once,in a while. I am quick to anger-AGAIN :/ but I’m quick at letting go as well. I’ve been suffering from “Negativitis” for past two nights but I’m still hoping for the best while preparing my mind for the worst as well. Goodness!I’m getting late!
I gotta go. Dunno when I would be able to write next or if I would be able to, at all!
No, It’s not a goodbye. I will manage to come back somehow, in sha Allah!
Writing here has been a constant help in my effort to release stress and anxiety- and I already feel better. Okay, I really gotta run now!

P.S: Until we meet again 🙂

The power of “and”: How women can be fierce and feminine

Okay, this truly is amazing!
Fingers crossed for when it would happen in my own country ❤

Journalist Gayle Tzemach Lemmon spent two years working on a story about an all-women special ops team within the US military. It prompted a surprising revelation.

This week, two students at the US military’s West Point Academy got attention when they graduated from the storied Army Ranger School. Why? Because they were women, the first females ever to make it through the grueling training program.

For the last two years, I worked on a story about the women who helped pave the way for these new Rangers, members of an all-women special operations team built to fill a security gap on the battlefield in Afghanistan. This group of 55 pioneering women — and its subset of 20 who joined Rangers and SEALs on combat missions — has challenged and upended the traditional “hero” narratives of war. These women were bound together by what they saw and did at the tip of…

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Haters, Traitors, Alligators….

I’ve been dying to write this post ever since I got stabbed in the back 😀 Yeah, I’m happy about it. All this pretending and back-stabbing has gone for too long. I see people for who they really are, not as I want to see them. It’s another matter that I keep ignoring, forgiving and trying to save my relationships. And in one way it’s good that the pretenders, haters in disguises and traitors don’t stay for much longer around me. Yes, I’m too blessed that Allah pushes every deceiver out of my life. Every impure person leaves one way or other. And because I don’t have a habit of ratting people out, people do find me on their own to share stuff that’s tough for them. I can’t say I’m worth all that. But Allah does send them to me to help me heal. Yes, I heal in the process of helping others. And as for liars and cheaters, they keep showing up at times and then they are driven out after some time, without me trying….
Anyway, I recently got betrayed and it didn’t really come as a surprise. I made my peace with it. I had to. When I first thought of writing this post, the wound was still fresh. I planned on sparing no one that night. But with the passage of time, I let my hurt and anger drain out, because that’s who I am! I can’t keep grudges or hate :/
Yes, I’m tired of haters, traitors, stalkers and all other types of alligators who keep looking for a chance to hurt me and to swallow me whole. NO!!! I’m not gonna let anyone destroy me like that. And you all being so hell bent on trying to roughen up my life says so  much about yours.
One and only one sentence for you peeps- Get a life people!


Diary Entry: Matters of the Heart…..

Dear diary,
my cell needs a fix and so does my heart. My cell isn’t charging, it burned me today. My heart is alight as well, on fire. Things seem to get easier when I am on the prayer mat and as soon as I get up, the constriction of air of my lungs, the tears in my eyes and the feeling of my heart being so full that it would explode, return. Matters of our hearts are really hard to sort out. Being in love doesn’t help the case either. I’m hurting inside and the people who love me are rejoicing that I have chosen to turn back to my old, more restrained and conservative self. I have chosen to be good in eyes of Allah(SWT) and being obedient to Him. But it hurts like hell inside 😥 The bouts of crying in secret-fearing that someone would notice and ask questions….. It’s hard. It’s excruciating! And the fear of losing what I don’t possess… kills me! In past few days I have lost more than I have gained. I have started building walls around me again. It’s going to drive me insane…..the loneliness, the emptiness, the void….. But I have Allah. And I don’t really need any more help. He will deal with the lack of strength. He will hold me. I love Him and I’m sure, He loves me too. I don’t really need anything else!
My Gosh! These people!!! they just won’t leave me alone for a bit! I’m close to fuming now :@ What is wrong with them?! Don’t they know I want to be left alone?! I know they care for me but they care a little too much! I don’t want any of that! I just want to be left alone to get some peace of mind….. To really connect with Allah…..To hold myself together. It hurts and annoys me when people ask too many questions. And I just snapped at my cousin on that. Goodness, I’m losing it! And only because I don’t want to change?! Is there any end to my misgivings? Is there any end to the hardness of my heart or harsh behaviour that I show? They are only trying to help. What they don’t realise is that they can’t! Only Allah can!
I’ve been hurt before. Not this badly, but I have. The only difference was that the first time I got hurt, it was at the hands of a person I called my best friend. And this time around I got hurt at my own hands. I don’t know which one is the worse but I do know that what has already come to pass, hurts me no more. But what’s now and here, its so hard to bear! Why did I have to fall in love? Why did I have to let it consume me whole?
I pray…I pray, harder than I ever have, before. I pray for peace of mind and heart. I pray to have him, claim him as mine, in an Islamically legal way. I pray that his heart melts too, at some point. I pray that if he’s not good for me, I forget any feelings for him that keep me awake at nights, praying, and that renders my days an endless series of daydreams that,despite being unfulfilled, make me smile often to myself and sigh, and want to cry of sheer pain at other times, that I feel inside ’cause I don’t have him.
My problem is that I can’t do justice with my own poor soul. I love with all I have and all that I am. I don’t keep anything to myself. I trust, I give people chances to hurt me, to stab me, and when they do, I turn inward, seek seclusion of my own body, to tend to the wounds that I helped others to give me. I’m that way. And I don’t know how not to be me! I wasn’t cut out to be merciless, at least for others. What I do to myself, I don’t know how not to.
Anyway, I was trying to watch Insurgent(FINALLY!!!) It’s pretty to look at, story aside. The scenes are kinda amazing. I just want people to stop barging into my room and let me see without pauses and breaks. But I definitely can’t say it on their face. I think I already hurt my aunt about 20 minutes ago when I told her that its annoying that her family(she included-but I didn’t tell her that,) asks too many questions. I know they do that to try to figure me out and help but its annoying. And let’s face it, they can’t really figure me out, can they? I’m someone who rarely shows her true self and seeing my past five years out of my city and how I spent them, and how people took advantage of me, trusting them, I doubt that anyone will ever see that door open EVER again. (Yup, I know I used ever twice in the same sentence- not in the mood of letting my grammar Nazi self win tonight!)
Anyway, I have to get back to my movie, watch it and go to sleep as soon as I finish with my dinner and Salah.
See you when I’m perturbed again(which will happen soon enough I guess).
Oh, and I do feel better after pouring my heart in here.


Set it free, set it free,
Let the bird fly.
Let it soar high above
The limit is the sky.

Let it loose, let it loose,
Untie the mast.
Let the winds tease,
Move until it lasts.

Put it out, put it out,
Extinguish the fire.
So that you may rest,
Burn out the deepest desire.

Shove it in, shove it in,
Snub it, dry the tears.
Put on a brave face,
Fight now, all your fears.

And tired when you are,
And think world’s at its wit’s end
That’s the moment where life begins
Quit dying, live. Your life, go mend.