Diary Entry: Hangin’in in There… Barely


Dear diary,

Today, I had an omelette which had coriander leaves in it after a long time. It reminded me of simpler times, when I was a kid. Mum had gotten posted to Jhelum and we had just arrived at our new house that she rented for us. There was no gas so we had to manage with a cylinder. My aunt or mum, can’t remember who because it was over 20 years or more ago, made one such omelette. Supplies were meagre and all our stuff was still packed but the days and nights were cold so we used to huddle together under one blanket. Those were the good times for life didn’t get me down so often then. Can’t say the same thing about now. The taste, the smell and the weather, are the same but life has been bringing more troubles than happiness.

For someone like me, just a few months shy of 30, single female, things don’t get any better when there is no desire for marriage and yet a lot of pressure. The worst thing is, the hands that nurture us as children are the same ones that itch to give us away because tradition dictates or because it’s Sunnah. For my society, the distinction between sunnah(the prophetic way) and obligation is so confused and mixed up when it comes to marriage. Marriage is made to be the only purpose of a girl’s life here. No dreams, hopes or aspirations matter unless they are regarding marriage. Because our girls are taught to be submissive and lacking their own voice. They are taught that their own dreams and aspirations don’t matter and all that matters is that she is a good wife (translation:maid) or a baby producing machine. This royally pisses me off.

We enter the marriage contracts for all the wrong reasons. People keep telling me that a girl needs support, companionship, monetary stability and such. But they also tell me that if I don’t get married, nobody except my mother and perhaps father would support my decision. And then there is the matter of “What would people say/think?” Who cares what they think or say behind our backs? They aren’t the ones paying my bills so who cares what their opinions are?!

Why should I enter a relationship where I lose my comfort and myself for people who don’t matter anyway? Those who marry for all the wrong reasons destroy their lives and the lives of so many others. Why should I be one of those people? I wish there wasn’t such a huge communication gap between our generation and our elders.

Standing up for myself sometimes seems as if I’m being selfish, for it worries my folks. But I can’t imagine a life filled with unhappiness just because I didn’t listen to my own gut and spared the feelings of the ones around me. I don’t know how to end this one on a positive note. I just know I have to hang in there, even if just barely, until I find the one person with whom the idea of marriage brings comfort and delight instead of a deep set anxiety and a lot of apprehension.

Diary Entry: Instinct


Dear Diary,

I was okay, a couple of minutes ago but now I have a really bad feeling inside. All of a sudden. And I don’t even know why. It’s as if I have lost something very important or I’m about to. I want to cry on my loss but I don’t know if I have really lost something or not. Does this all make any sense? I have learned that I should trust my instinct, but what is it that it wants to tell me right now?!

 

Diary Entry:So long….


Dear Diary,

It’s been a long while, I know, I know! There was a time when I used to write regularly. Sometimes even twice or thrice in the same day. But times have changed. I still have so much to say, all the time but there are other things that keep my mind clogged all the time. Anyway, it’s almost the end of my 2nd semester here at Lahore Garrison University and the journey has been slightly bumpy but full of learning and fun. I’m happy here, Alhamdulillah! I don’t like Lahore and I still desperately miss Islamabad but when it’s time to leave, I’m going to miss my teacher so very much!
Anyway, I should be working on my case reports which were due yesterday but there was something inside me, stopping me from actually getting on with my work. My internal alarm is buzzing slightly telling me something awful is just waiting to happen. It’s  strong enough to make me restless. And that’s how I ended up writing here, instead of working on my case reports(my supervisor might kill me for being 2 days late >.< ). We had a meeting with our head of department yesterday. All the class representatives were present. In the past, I always used to get frustrated inside because whenever there were any competitions held in the uni, we, the post graduate classes in particular and my whole department in general, were never told about them until it was already too late to participate. And now, they need our active participation in different activities. That’s kinda good news, I guess. The times have changed for the better!
Most of the activities involve writing stuff. University magazine is about to come out and we are supposed to send in our work as well. First to the department, then they would choose which ones to forward to literary society. I wonder sometimes, why am I not a part of the literary society. But then my mind laughs and says “nice joke!” :p Yes i write but I don’t write anything of a substance. I really need to work on that. And yeah, I know I’m a helluva lazy person, which reminds me, I still haven’t completed the research work that I was supposed to do for a conference. I’m lagging behind and writing stuff that isn’t coming directly from my mind or the one that has facts and figures, it exhausts me, so MUCH! The conference has been moved to August, which isn’t a very comforting news. And what the hell am I doing anyway, trying to conduct researches?! I don’t even like research work! 😐 I know my teacher is the culprit behind this erratic behaviour of mine. She talks to inspire and her smile, it adds magic. She got to me like she gets to most people and I love her for that!
Ughhh, the case studies- I seriously hate them! I mean, the actual work is fun. But writing detailed histories and all the repetitive stuff…… it’s exhausting! I must go now. Have a long way to go before I am done with them :/

Ciao!

Diary Entry:Promises


Dear diary,

for once I didn’t have to think hard to choose a title for my post. It’s a biggie in my world, where I totally suck at picking titles. Anyway, I was just sitting idle, thinking about my teacher, whom by the way I love but who isn’t talking to me for some days now. She’s pissed at me or walking for an hour and ending up with blisters on my feet, which by the way, have healed. But she’s still pissed. And I don’t know if there is more that’s been fueling her anger. She talks to me fine when we are around each other in the university but she’s been on constant one or two syllable replies when I try to talk her to open the flood gates. I know I deserve a good scolding. That’s something I can deal with. The silence is just something I can’t take and digest. But boy! is she stubborn!!!
Well, I get it, she’s giving me a taste of my own medicine. But I would never hold out on someone for so long. It’s been a week now. And as simple as that, I miss her. I miss her very very much. I miss talking to her, laughing with her, pulling goofy jokes at her, just to see her smile one more time or imagine her smiling. She has the most wonderful smile. She’s beautiful in her own cheeky way.
And I miss her! All the time. I actually feel down right now, and sort of upset on not being able to talk to her, even though I realize that now that she is the head of department, she is even more busy than before and she’s already a workaholic too. But I miss her so badly.
Now I know why my mum keeps lecturing me about not coming off as too intense. I get it, perfectly well. I guess love and I, we don’t go well together. And yes she is stubborn but I’m the Queen of stubbornness. I won’t give up on her. At least, I don’t plan on it. And for an nth time, I don’t know what to do…….
This reminds me of one of my patients. We are not actually allowed to talk about them but I guess he won’t mind because he’s such a good kid. Well, his father told me during an interview that this kid is amazing when it comes to giving advise. His ideas are sincere and well thought and foolproof. But the kid complained that he can’t decide stuff for his own self. He kept thinking that his decisions would mess things up. I feel like him right now. I mean, not that I’m claiming that I’m good at giving advice but the next part. I’m sucking right now, at telling myself what to do next. And I have a case report to formulate. I have no desire to work on it and no motivation either. Even though I know it’s due tomorrow. I guess I’ll just eat dinner and go to sleep and freakout in the morning- again!
Guess it’s Ciao for now.

Diary Entry: Dreams


Dear diary,
Dreams SUCK!
I should know, I’m a sucker for dreams. The daydreams. Not the ones seen with closed eyes. And my dream institute sucks big time as well. Not exactly the institute, but some parts of it. Major portions!
For example, my university’s hostel and management. Garrison University held a such charm in my naive mind, before I was officially a part of it. Now I know, it was made for one purpose and one purpose alone; Business!
Yes, I’m ashamed to say, that they have turned such a sacred task of transfer of knowledge into merchandise. The more students advance through their grades, the more expensive the degrees become and with hectic routines in which one can’t even do a part time job to earn, sadly enough, we; those who wish to get higher education, are breaking our parents’ backbone by taking so much money.
As if that’s not enough, mess charges are increased, whenever the management wishes to do so, without prior notice or consent. For the sake of their advertisement, they have mentioned on their website that the hostel is fully furnished(yeah, I put my stuff in an invisible cupboard everyday, and sleep on an invisible bed. How charming! )
On one side, this place has helped me in my personal growth and on the other, its the reason of a constant disappointment, rage, depression, frustration and all other such
ugly emotions- you name it!
I’m tired of this city, I’m tired of this place. Islamabad was heaven compared to this hellhole here! I wanna go back, so badly!
Waiting for any such miracle!
I must go. I’m so exhausted :/
As for these relentless people- will see you guys in front of Allah! He will see to your injustice there and then.
May Allah help save us all from such hypocritical lot, that comprises my university management.

P.S: Dear Islamabad, I miss you so badly and I would try my level best to come back soon ❤

Diary Entry:Temper Tantrums


Dear diary,
I’m going back to the person I was six years ago. As much as I loved her, I don’t want her to take hold of me again. She was great and all but she was an extremely angry minor who used to run towards danger instead of running away from it. I think I’m losing the little control I gained with quite difficulty. ‘Cause that daredevil threatens to come out every single time a situation is a little annoying. It’s been messing with my head and my whole body. Every single time an anger fit strikes, I find my face go hot, heart ringing into my ears, heat radiating from me. I’m a hand grenade with its pin out. My head drums and blood pressure probably rises. It’s hurting me to be me…… I don’t know how long would I be able to not react in anger and damage the things I value in life. I don’t know how long it would take me to snap. I don’t want to snap!
I guess It’s the food here, or the water perhaps. Or I’m just being paranoid. I don’t know. I just had an almost fight with a friend and there is so much I wanted to say but if I hadn’t shut up, when I did, I’d probably be writing about how I lost a good friend today. I think he lost a major part of me today……
How do you know when to stop taking crap from people? how do you know when to stand up for yourself? You’d think I would know the answer, but honestly, I don’t! Yes, I have fought many times but I have never fought for myself before…… And apparently nobody would ever fight for me, except for me! It just making me think, either I’m not worthy enough that someone would fight for me, or nobody ever is! Whatever is the case, I’m not going to change the better part of me, no matter what crap people give me. If this lot, surrounding me, isn’t worth it, doesn’t mean no one in this whole world is worth it. I’m sure I will find someone who really deserves it, some day.
But I’m done taking crap from people- friends or no friends- I’m done!!!
The next time it happens, people would see that the girl behind all that care and smiles has a fierce side to her that no one can stand.
*sigh*
I don’t wanna do it, but I think I will have to….. It’s just not fair on me if I keep refusing to fight for my own self while I fearlessly go marching out to aid others in their fights.
I should probably go now. I’m cold again after so much heat. I need to cover myself up.

Sayonara!

Diary Entry:LGU Times


Dear Diary,
It’s mid term exam time and as usual I’m sitting blank. I don’t even know what my subject name is, so basically I’m screwed >_<  Anxiety level is a little bit higher but instead of preparing for my exam, I’m preparing for a presentation. I guess, I will start preparation an hour or so before I actually have to write, which is absurd and daring on my part. Perhaps a little too daring even for me, seeing that it’s a new place I’m in and this place is definitely not IIUI :/
Well, as usual I’m writing in here when clearly I need to be studying. I guess this writing is one big reason I don’t freak out when I’m about to be overwhelmed. Oh, and the best creative ideas seem to have some kind of grudge with me. They come when I can’t write them down either because of lack of enough time or resources. Plus, writer’s block sucks big time!
SIST 2016 is right around the corner and I’m not prepared for it even in the slightest. I guess, it’s because I’m not participating in the categories that I’m the best at- Tajweed and Nasheed. This time I’m doing something I have no idea how to do :p Journalism and Spoken word. And the theme this year is also a bit difficult for my “sleeping-for-an-eternity-brain.” I know, winning isn’t everything. It’s just the plus point of competing. But It scares the crap out of me to even thing about the theme this time.
“The Future Awaits: What’s Next?”
I mean, how in the world am I supposed to know the future???!!! And how am I supposed to write about it when I don’t know it?! And that too with a dumb mind :/ I can’t concentrate :/
Anyway, it’s a test I need to pass and it’s something I love. Plus, participation in SIST as a Youth Club team member, is an honour in itself and it’s way better than not participating or missing SIST altogether! Not winning is kinda okay but not okay. Well I guess I will have to get back to it AFTER my exams >.<
Anyway,I must go and try to study for a bit. I hope I do succeed this time :/
Until next time (which would be soon enough-lets say before Psychopathology exam >.< )
Chao!

Diary Entry: Change of Place


Dear diary,
I have joined Lahore Garrison University, a place I dreamt of being at, as soon as I came to know it existed. I am on my way to become a Clinical Psychologist. I’m so happy ever since I came here. It’s as if my life has an actual purpose now. I’m finally interested in actual studies. I can finally say I’m content.
My life here in Lahore and my life generally has taken a big twist. Okay, I knew I was much more than I ever let people see in Islamic Uni, but the way I am now, it’s got even me surprised. I’m the new CR for my class, I’m a whole lot social and chatty, even with the people I hardly know. I actually joke around with teachers and participate in class discussions more than perhaps my whole class does, when combined. I’m more confident than I was ever before. I’m not afraid of messing up anymore. This new found confidence is intoxicating. All this positivity, it’s made my life better, happier. I enjoy every single moment of it! Oh, and I have grown busier. CMH in the mornings classes in the evenings.
Guess, I still like to talk too much when I’m in sharing mood >_< But it’s late and I have a sick body to take care if and of course have work in the morning.
See you ASAP.

Diary Entry: A Dream Within A Dream


Dear diary,
last night I had a dream. A dream, I fell in love with!
I’m generally a daydreamer. I don’t dream with eyes closed, because I’m a deep sleeper. Well, I do, once in a blue moon. Last night was one such night. I was talking to some friends about meeting my guy in my dream. A guy,who is stuck somewhere in a tree or something, metaphorically of course. If not,then what’s taking him so long? Why wouldn’t he let himself be known to me? :/ I wasn’t really serious, knowing I don’t really dream with eyes closed. But I didn’t only meet my man, we got married in the dream. I still can’t get over the euphoria. I mean, me, dreaming is one slightly impossible thing. Me, dreaming about him is higher on the scale of impossible. But Me, getting married to the person I love(in fantasy) , even in a dream……..
EXQUISITE!!!
A dream, within a dream….
I woke up, wishing, I hadn’t! I didn’t want to let go of his sight, just yet(now the face is hazy, almost vanishing :/ ). But I had to! A dream like that every night, and I would wish I sleep forever and ever more!
It’s not healthy, I know. But the feeling is just too intoxicating. I’m not such a big fan of marrying a person you don’t love. And my aims and aspirations aside, there is this one person, for whom I would give up my lifelong passions and aims if I have to. I don’t have any wish to hurry in getting married but that one person-if he is the one pulling the strings….. I guess I don’t need to finish the sentence.
My sister’s B’day is just around the corner. I have to work on project Surprise for her. I must go and start working.
Ciao

Diary Entry: Unsettled


Dear diary,
future is always so uncertain. And uncertainty calls for anxiety. I’m certain that what I want, won’t be presented to me in a silver platter for me to enjoy. That never happens. I know I will have to fight for it. It’s just hard when the things that I am passionate about, people- my folks, don’t agree with them and offer resistance. They say stuff that either hurts me or make me fume, and sometimes, both!
Right now, my instinct says, “get ready for the fight!” And there is a dread settling inside me. I don’t wanna fight anyone! I want things to go smoothly but I have a feeling that they won’t. Writing in here isn’t making me better as there is a lot of work to be done. I have to do my clearance from my university first, get my transcript and degree. That’s the easy part(not really, but still easier!).
*Sigh*
My bigger worry would be, convincing my father to let me study further. The way my brother reacted to the news of me studying in Co-ed institute, broke my heart and more than that, made me furious! Thank goodness, he’s not my father! Anyway, my folks know I’m the most obstinate person when I have to be- a total bitch! (No, I’m not proud of that. But this is what my society made me!)
Still, I have put the decision of my future in the hands of Allah(SWT) He has saved me from countless wrong decisions and difficulties, and He definitely, won’t leave me alone now!
I must get ready for Asr Salah. Hopefully, will see you soon. In Sha Allah!