Diary Entry: That Dark Place


Dear diary,

I have started sucking pretty badly in singing. I was ashamed to hear my own recording today when I tried. I cant blame the karaoke app. Or can I?!

Anyway, I’m dwelling in my dark place where I have a lot of stuff going on inside my head but too little going outside it. I lie in bed all day, wasting precious time and doing absolutely nothing. I need an escape from Lahore-it’s very essential these days. I don’t want to go home because of all the marriage talk mum tries to do with me every single time I go back. I mean, how hard is it to understand that I don’t want to get married to engineers employed somewhere in the middle east? Or that I don’t want to get married, period!

Sometimes, when I’m in a very perceptive mood, one thought crosses my mind. What if, my history of always falling for the wrong people is the reason of my aversion? Would I ever be able to move on with my life? Or would I keep looking towards those friends of mine who actually got married and their lives after marriage didn’t turn “Oh-so-well”? And then there’s one very stupidly disturbing thought-I don’t want to grow up!

I’m serious! I don’t. And in my mind, marriage brings responsibilities and it means that now you have to be a grown up and handle kids of your own. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and would love to have one or two of my own some day but for now, I wish to accomplish something in life. I want to be an independent female before I tie the knot.

Oh, and not to forget, I need to be able to like some person enough to be able to persuade my stupid mind to actually want to marry him. And believe me, I would raise all hell if I have to, just to get to know the person who gets to marry me-if he gets to marry me.

Anyway, marriage isn’t the real reason of my writing today. I’ve hit a writer’s block and I’ve stopped updating my novel. There are just too many scenarios bugging me, keeping me restless and pinching me but whenever I try to pen them down, or in this case, type, I hit a blockage. I don’t know how long it would last and why I keep thinking of dark stuff. I need to cool off. Need a distraction. Something to drag me back to my original track. Perhaps a trip to Islamabad….. (Yeah, I wish! But mum never permits :/ )

My desperation for a change of scenario has resulted in my withdrawal from people and frustration. I want to bite people’s heads off when they try to talk to me. I want to yell at them for no reason and I’m just hating them for not understanding. My palpitations are back but even after ma’am suggested me to go see a doctor, I told her I don’t want to. I have started acting out with the people I love and after doing that, I feel guilty. So this self-destruction mode isn’t helping me at ALL!

I’m hoping that writing about it now, would lessen the intensity of insanity I’m experiencing these day because I don’t know what else to do.

 

P.S: And no, I still don’t wanna go to the doctor :/

Diary Entry: Dreams


Dear diary,
Dreams SUCK!
I should know, I’m a sucker for dreams. The daydreams. Not the ones seen with closed eyes. And my dream institute sucks big time as well. Not exactly the institute, but some parts of it. Major portions!
For example, my university’s hostel and management. Garrison University held a such charm in my naive mind, before I was officially a part of it. Now I know, it was made for one purpose and one purpose alone; Business!
Yes, I’m ashamed to say, that they have turned such a sacred task of transfer of knowledge into merchandise. The more students advance through their grades, the more expensive the degrees become and with hectic routines in which one can’t even do a part time job to earn, sadly enough, we; those who wish to get higher education, are breaking our parents’ backbone by taking so much money.
As if that’s not enough, mess charges are increased, whenever the management wishes to do so, without prior notice or consent. For the sake of their advertisement, they have mentioned on their website that the hostel is fully furnished(yeah, I put my stuff in an invisible cupboard everyday, and sleep on an invisible bed. How charming! )
On one side, this place has helped me in my personal growth and on the other, its the reason of a constant disappointment, rage, depression, frustration and all other such
ugly emotions- you name it!
I’m tired of this city, I’m tired of this place. Islamabad was heaven compared to this hellhole here! I wanna go back, so badly!
Waiting for any such miracle!
I must go. I’m so exhausted :/
As for these relentless people- will see you guys in front of Allah! He will see to your injustice there and then.
May Allah help save us all from such hypocritical lot, that comprises my university management.

P.S: Dear Islamabad, I miss you so badly and I would try my level best to come back soon ❤

My Creepy Stalker


Experience has taught me to always, ALWAYS trust my instinct. To never ignore the alarm inside when it goes off.

My past has come to confront me, to try, to sting me. But I’m way tougher than I was. I made a decision and I stand by it til date!

Self-preservation is every human being’s first and foremost thought and priority and that is what I did too, a long time ago.  And I will be very honest and forthcoming today because I don’t care what others think of me at this point.

It’s not like me to post private chats on public forums, but today, I will make an exception. This stupidity has gone far enough, this matter has been left untouched for too long.
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Okay, here’s the story.

My version.

Without nasty curses or foul language, which Allah knows how much I want to use and how easy it is, but I’m not going to stoop down to his level, no matter what!
Some years ago- I don’t remember if it was 3 or 4 years, ’cause, honestly, he isn’t important and the matter wasn’t either- there was this guy in my friend-list, who claimed he was in love with me, without seeing me and without knowing what I looked like. I told him I didn’t reciprocate and didn’t want to even in the future. Simply because I wasn’t interested. But some people make it a point to be annoyingly argumentative. He did that too. I kept saying no, in a polite manner and he kept coming stronger than ever. That annoyed me to my limit. So I discussed my predicament with an old friend. He replied; “I’m a guy and I know how love works for us. We don’t fall for mystery or brains, we fall for beauty. He hasn’t seen you so there is no chance that what he claims is true. There is only one simple solution. Block him and get over with it.”
And I blocked him, thinking, it would be the end of the story. But no! Life had something else in store for me. Here, I have to mention that guy asked me to unfriend and block him, if my answer was no and if it was final. If I do, he will get the answer. But when I do block him, I start getting messages from his friends and from his brother’s id. I blocked them too but that wasn’t enough for him! He, next, comes to my blog to comment here. I didn’t approve so he started writing a blog himself, which I never bothered to read-frankly. I didn’t want anything to do with him, but my mistake was, I didn’t say those words on his face. I wasn’t a bitch about it. Til date, that seems to be my biggest mistake that I tried to turn him down politely.

Anyway, I have no idea if he kept stalking me or not, after that. But some months ago, he came back, from a fake id, posing as a girl. While its a bit flattering that he would keep a grudge all these years, in actuality, its much more pathetic that he didn’t have anything better to do than that.

Honestly, how many polite ways do you think, are there to tell someone that you want nothing to do with them?!
Anyway, I tell that “girl” one day, subtly, that I don’t trust her and that my instinct says that she’s from my past, somehow. She denies- obviously. But my instinct proved to be right, because she was a “HE” from my past. That same creepy stalker who kept burning in his fire of vengeance for so long. Oh and he had the audacity to call me a monster and a bitch and then tell me it was “below his dignity to reply to me,” as if I was dying to hear from him….
*rolling my eyes*
And then he went on to tell me to “go, screw myself.”
A big LOL!!! I mean, seriously, if this kind of trash talking is how “Literate people”, and “people with dignity,” talk, I’m glad that I’m an “illiterate, inconsiderate, Bitch without a conscience!” and I’m actually proud of being myself! Because that seems to be more respectable than stooping “down,” or should I say “UP,” to your level!

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Oh, and as for your hatred for me, I wouldn’t be caught giving a damn about it. You aren’t important for me. Never were! You called me a Bitch, well, you haven’t seen me being one yet, so don’t push your luck. There’s only so far that my patience runs 🙂

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Before I go, I would say the only thing I want to convey.

“Get a life you Creep!”

Oh, and here’s a clue:“stay the hell out of my life from now on. You aren’t welcome here.”

Sometimes Even The Supergirl Needs Saving


Life has a certain taint of irony to it. It is so fairly  unfair. It builds you up to break you down. It makes you euphoric only to send you spiraling down to depression. It’s easy to be alive and yet hard to live. Doors close to your face, and open behind you. It squeezes the life out of you, when you are not looking and fills you with the energy when you need it the least. Life is peculiar. And maybe that’s the only reason that it is so interesting to live.
Everyone knows her to be strong. Her friends call her supergirl. She calls herself, stubborn. When she’s stuck at a place, nothing moves her. People come, people argue, people bang their heads, they see a stone and people go. She doesn’t budge when things she’s passionate about are at stake. She’s that difficult but extremely easy as well.
She stands like a dude, in social gatherings she’s almost mute. She hates people and yet loves to save them. She’s a sucker for misery and pain. Can’t stand either of those. Emotions rule her and so does a level head. She doesn’t love, she melts. In anger she’s a grenade with its pin out. She’s the kind of person who would die for the ones she loves. And here’s where the life brings a twist.
A girl, who runs to save the world- the world of her beloveds, when she needs saving, people put their foot on her cape. Sometimes, bigger hurts are easier to endure, with patience. and at other times, little things may make her to cry her eyes out.
She’s patient, she will give you space. She gives so many chances before you can actually break her. She won’t ask you to fight beside her- NEVER! But, is it asking too much if she sometimes wishes you to stand close and do nothing? Just watch her while she saves the world?
Where does the supergirl or a superwoman go, when she’s hurt? Who tends to her wounds? Who tells her, that everything would be okay, that life is difficult but she”s not a quitter?
You know what the problem here is?!
If a girl is strong, people start expecting her to be invincible. They think that a strong woman won’t break. But even the supergirl gets hurt with Kryptonite, that does serious damage. She’s strong but she’s not immune to emotions. Sometimes, even the supergirl needs saving…….

Diary Entry:Temper Tantrums


Dear diary,
I’m going back to the person I was six years ago. As much as I loved her, I don’t want her to take hold of me again. She was great and all but she was an extremely angry minor who used to run towards danger instead of running away from it. I think I’m losing the little control I gained with quite difficulty. ‘Cause that daredevil threatens to come out every single time a situation is a little annoying. It’s been messing with my head and my whole body. Every single time an anger fit strikes, I find my face go hot, heart ringing into my ears, heat radiating from me. I’m a hand grenade with its pin out. My head drums and blood pressure probably rises. It’s hurting me to be me…… I don’t know how long would I be able to not react in anger and damage the things I value in life. I don’t know how long it would take me to snap. I don’t want to snap!
I guess It’s the food here, or the water perhaps. Or I’m just being paranoid. I don’t know. I just had an almost fight with a friend and there is so much I wanted to say but if I hadn’t shut up, when I did, I’d probably be writing about how I lost a good friend today. I think he lost a major part of me today……
How do you know when to stop taking crap from people? how do you know when to stand up for yourself? You’d think I would know the answer, but honestly, I don’t! Yes, I have fought many times but I have never fought for myself before…… And apparently nobody would ever fight for me, except for me! It just making me think, either I’m not worthy enough that someone would fight for me, or nobody ever is! Whatever is the case, I’m not going to change the better part of me, no matter what crap people give me. If this lot, surrounding me, isn’t worth it, doesn’t mean no one in this whole world is worth it. I’m sure I will find someone who really deserves it, some day.
But I’m done taking crap from people- friends or no friends- I’m done!!!
The next time it happens, people would see that the girl behind all that care and smiles has a fierce side to her that no one can stand.
*sigh*
I don’t wanna do it, but I think I will have to….. It’s just not fair on me if I keep refusing to fight for my own self while I fearlessly go marching out to aid others in their fights.
I should probably go now. I’m cold again after so much heat. I need to cover myself up.

Sayonara!

Diary Entry: Unsettled


Dear diary,
future is always so uncertain. And uncertainty calls for anxiety. I’m certain that what I want, won’t be presented to me in a silver platter for me to enjoy. That never happens. I know I will have to fight for it. It’s just hard when the things that I am passionate about, people- my folks, don’t agree with them and offer resistance. They say stuff that either hurts me or make me fume, and sometimes, both!
Right now, my instinct says, “get ready for the fight!” And there is a dread settling inside me. I don’t wanna fight anyone! I want things to go smoothly but I have a feeling that they won’t. Writing in here isn’t making me better as there is a lot of work to be done. I have to do my clearance from my university first, get my transcript and degree. That’s the easy part(not really, but still easier!).
*Sigh*
My bigger worry would be, convincing my father to let me study further. The way my brother reacted to the news of me studying in Co-ed institute, broke my heart and more than that, made me furious! Thank goodness, he’s not my father! Anyway, my folks know I’m the most obstinate person when I have to be- a total bitch! (No, I’m not proud of that. But this is what my society made me!)
Still, I have put the decision of my future in the hands of Allah(SWT) He has saved me from countless wrong decisions and difficulties, and He definitely, won’t leave me alone now!
I must get ready for Asr Salah. Hopefully, will see you soon. In Sha Allah!