Losing the Plot Mate!


You know that feeling, when you are there and you aren’t really out there? When one moment, one very deceptive little moment makes you feel wanted. But when the deception wears off, you come to know where you really stand. When you get excited that you finally found your reason for being alive and then, in a flash, just like that, that reason ceases to exist. When your own feet don’t want to carry you further, your shoes bite your toes. When everything good that you got going in some fragment of your life goes up in a cloud like POOF!!! The emptiness inside, eating away your soul. The struggle, that’s very real. When tears flow not because you are weak, but because the pain is like a giant, devouring you whole. How does it feel to be the outsider in your own life?! Does any other hurt compare to that one?!

I’ve spent my whole life, being a stranger in my own life. Losing people I love and was afraid to lose. Getting hurt as a punishment for being nice ( no I don’t mean NICE, nice. I meant refusing to be mean even to those who deserve it). One by one, people go away. Not in death but in life. ‘Cause death would mean, a valid reason. That there was some hope somewhere.  But I guess, some people are cursed this way. Doomed! Left to dwell alone. To deal with the extreme highs and lows on their own. I think either I’m cursed that way or I’m developing a bipolar disorder.

Diary Entry: Oh the Downs!


Dear diary,

By now, I know, I should be able to pull through bad mood swings but I haven’t.I have an exam on the coming Saturday, my final research methodology exam, for which I’m not prepared even in the least- AGAIN! I’m still home but mum has been really accommodating where studies are concerned. She is letting me sit and try to study, which previously I thought was kinda impossible at home. I actually did get some stuff done and out of the way. But there is a constant gloomy cloud over my head since last night. Mum has inquired more than twice today, if something is wrong with me, if I’m hiding something….. Of course something is wrong with me and of course I’m hiding something, but my dear mum, you don’t need to know that, because I know that if you know, you’ll worry yourself sick. Plus, its my personal weakness and my own private battle to fight. Its January- the month in which my roommate died, two years back. For past 2 years, it has been bringing me low moods, anxiety and bad health. Once it passes, I recover on my own. I know her death has affected me more severely than I would like to admit but its a fact. I don’t know how long it would take me to get rid of this type of reactions from my physical being. or if I ever would…..

I think, for me to heal properly, I need closure. I need to stop running. But I don’t know how to do it.

Sometimes, I wish, there was someone, with whom I could share, getting past my inhibitions. But every single time I have tried opening up, people tend to run in the opposite direction. I don’t if it’s the intensity of the emotions or just their plain lack of interest that drives them away. And then it forces me to pull back and hide myself in layers upon layers of superficial “I’m perfectly spiffingly amazing aura,” and deal with my share of pain, all alone, inside, with oblivious people around me. Sometimes I wish, for people to try, at least for a little bit, to understand what goes on inside my head, instead of judging me and labeling me with labels like “a secretive person or a complex entity.” But nobody looks at me and sees someone tired of hiding behind layers. All they see is someone who doesn’t complain openly. All they see, is bravery, stubbornness and a strong will. Nobody deciphers how much of a sham these things have become.

There is so much I want to say, so much that my insides constantly scream when my tongue is completely silent and stone cold. Most often than not, I dwell at a lonely place. A place where nobody comes to visit. A place filled with the downs but the very place that has me in its strong hold.

And there is a blockage inside my head right now. It might be because I’m hungry.

Til next time……