Diary entry 106

Dear diary,
it’s been raining, hard, and it’s a complete guess. I haven’t been outside after I finished my classes and fee submission tasks, which exhausted me, by the way. Uni life is good but exhausting, that’s for sure. Most of the work is still manual. I mean the record keeping for our hostels etc. There’s a rumor that this time, they are upgrading everything. I’m sincerely hoping that it ends well.
My book addiction is back and I have started to retreat, into my books again. People sometimes bore me. I get tired of them too fast. It’s happening again. And this time I’m not worried about me.
I have been thinking and I guess soon I will be able to write something new, if I continue, but not today. My head is giving me hard time. I woke up from an uneasy sleep after hearing thunder outside. And my head just won’t stop hurting.
I better go have some rest before writing becomes more difficult. I will return as soon as I can think again and write something new.
Until then,

Abused. . . . .

Behind those fake smiles,
There’s a heart that cries
Filled with sorrow and pains
Of an assaulted body and soul
And I can see you standing
Right there,in front of me
Laughing above my broken body
Again today,I got punished
For a crime I didn’t commit
In fact I fail to fathom this
Why do I let you torture?
Silently getting whipped
What did I ever do to you?
I’m harmless and unequipped
A weak body,your submissive
And yet,you hold that lash
Bleed me,until you’re tired
Then at night,you come close
I’m afraid,what you might do
But you are a changed man
Hugging me close and warm
You comfort me so much
As if nothing has happened
A happy tear escapes my eyes
I’m afraid to let go just yet
Afraid,morning would unleash
The beast inside of you
I don’t have to wait long
It’s again me,under your lash
The vicious cycle just never ends
Tears of pain and anguish
Escaping eyes of a broken,violated me

Major Depression Disorder

Finally we have started to touch Psychological disorders in our Mental Health and Psychopathology II class. Here’s what I remember about a Disorder called “Major Depression Disorder.”
Yup,the name shows, its related to depression. Not the kind of depression we use in our daily conversations . . . .
*Oh he dumped me,I’m so depressed.
*I didn’t get my most valued job,I’m depressed. . . .
We hear such sentences all the time around us. In fact we ourselves use the word depression in the wrong way,not realizing that it’s a big label that we are putting on ourselves. Lemme tell you how.
Firstly, Depression is a disorder.
A disorder is a combination of symptoms that help us in diagnosis/identification of a disease. So it means that a disorder has more than 1 symptoms.
That being said,lets come back towards Depression. Depression is characterized by Major Depressive Episodes.
What in the name of God is that?
Well an episode is the time period(a minimum of two weeks and maximum has no limit) during which you have at least 5 of common symptoms of Depression(any 5).
Lets quickly go through the most common symptoms(that may vary from person to person).
*loss of appetite or excessive eating
*feeling down or agitated over a prolonged period of time
*Insomnia(sleeplessness)or Hypersomnia (excessive sleep)
*loss of weight
*feeling worthless
*difficulty in remembering things and decision-making
*losing the insight of things.Thinking everything is worthless
*feeling inferior(but it isn’t inferiority complex)
*Suicidal attempts or thoughts.
So if any of these symptoms are found and they are persistent and stay over a long period of time,then I have bad news for you. If that’s not the case, why label yourself with depression when it’s just a little stress?

Diary entry 105

Dear diary,
every time I write here and  let my inside out,it feels that it was my last time. That I wont be able to write anymore. That I have lost my touch or that I have pen down everything I could write in a lifetime. But not even a day passes that I have something else to say. And once again,the whole process repeats. What a vicious cycle it is! Writing calms me down,it helps me stay sane and cope with my inner demons. It renders me strength and the will to go on. But once I have written everything,my inside just feels empty. I guess there is some kinda issue with my self-esteem. How else would I explain this drowning feeling inside. Something in my life is making me extremely unhappy but I don’t wish to do anything about it.
My life isn’t complicated, I just made it that way. I still am the only person to be able to lift off my self-inflicted curse. There’s something that’s slowly eating away my soul. What type of person would allow self-destruction? Yeah,A Masochist,I know. But I am not one. At least not one with a clinical kinda problem.
All around me,people undergo emotional hurt,loss,pain and suffering. Seeing them, I want to help. It seems so selfish to keep tending to your own wounds when so many others need help with their wounds. It satisfies me to help them. It makes me happy. I forget what I have gotten myself into and the fruit of my hard work with other people give me more pleasure than anything else can ever give.
But the bad thing is,when people I love are hurt, my inside hurts too. People tell me that I should not get close to other people. But how would I help them if I don’t see their lives from a place close enough? I’m training to become a psychologist for God’s sake! What do people want me to do? Forget what empathy feels like?
No,I wont be able to do that. I don’t want to. I can’t let myself be cold-hearted and survive in my profession. I guess I’ll just suffer and keep helping others,for no one can get out of his own story. This is mine and I have to take it to a proper ending.
Anyway, a friend’s sister had a baby today and I’m so happy on the news. I don’t know the gender yet. But whatever the gender, it’s a big news and a happy one. Waiting to see what that baby looks like. Fingers crossed!
My eyes hurt again and I have an assignment to make. So…..see you soon,if life permits!

P.S:Just got the news. It’s a baby boy 🙂 A lotsa congrats to my Alien buddy from my side!

Break My Heart No More

Oh you pretty little liar
My heart’s on fire
Why,this overwhelming desire?
There’s no respite
Emotions on extreme height
Why nothing feels right?
Is there a spell you cast
Can’t see future nor past
How did this happen so fast?
Don’t say it’s love
No Sparrows nor Dove
Let me fly away and above
Break my heart no more
Let me close this final door
You managed to damage my core
Throw some water,let me wake
I’m so numb,give me a shake
Let me go before I break
So set me free,I want to heal
Miserable, I no longer wish to feel
This pain has forced me to kneel

The Sadness Inside

The death you mourn,who was it that died?
Why do you feel bad?Whats this sadness inside?
What did he mean to you?What do you have to hide?
Oh heart,stop,let go!Be patient,don’t lose hope
Soon things will be different.Time will heal you one day
O dear heart,don’t cry.Today’s just not the day
Grow up dear heart.Stop mourning,start living
The dead is dead.There’s no turning back
So you look for what’s ahead.And move on.
Keep moving.Don’t stop.Shed all the burdens
Start anew.Learn from your mistakes.
Bury the past with the corpse you bury
Let all the tears of misery fall
Put on a big smile,take a deep breath
The world is full of second chances,take yours!