The Downward Up

It’s a wonder, how your body forgets that it’s in pain when your heart starts aching. All other pains seem to numb out when the core, the centre is throbbing. And without a buffer (like your little niece’s adorable smiling face and laughing eyes around you,) you succumb to a bit of tear shedding (secretly of course!) after an immense failed effort to get a hold of those crazy little things called emotions. Yeah well, I’ve had that kind of a day. First part of it sucked totally. But then my cousin came and once we started talking, I started feeling not so awful anymore until just now, when she’s gone and I just happened to see a video of my little niece’s first laughter. I missed it and right now, I hate myself and everyone else. She isn’t home and I miss her so much, it hurts!!!

I just asked my madam to give me something to do. A research related homework. Yup, I’m that unhinged (slash desperate). It’s been a dull couple of months for me. I’ve come home and have been waiting for my research viva to actually happen. My brain and ears feel fried after non-stop proposal talk at home. Either it’s that or compliments from mum telling me how lazy and a worthless piece of junk I am. Sometimes its so hard not to take offense. No matter how true some words are, they hurt like hell. And then usually the rest of the days I spend struggling with my need to be numb and trying to not tell my folks to buzz off when they would continuously disrupt my little world of numbness inside my head by asking things that require for me to answer them back when I just don’t have the energy to think anything to say.


Yeah, sometimes it’s hard being an only introvert in a family full of extroverts! But no matter how hard they tend to make my life, in the end when I need someone to put a smile on my face, they are usually the ones who are there to cheer me up in their own weird way…..