Diary entry 88

Dear diary,

Presentation went great alhamdulillah! Our teacher loved it and some class fellows were actually listening too :p
Dearie,I have so many mixed thoughts about my (not so secret any more)endeavor.Should I continue on my journey or should I take a break?Should I be even using evil means to eradicate an even bigger evil?
Well,I know evil can’t eradicate evil.So I’m going to ask Allah (SWT) for guidance in this matter. I’m sure He will guide me in the matter and won’t leave me alone. The things I did in past some days were kinda rash, I know it,I realize it. I was impulsive and this impulse could be the death of me. I can’t remember any incident in my past that was based so strongly on impulse. I mean I didn’t have to think about dealing with such a feeling. But just this one came and kinda shocked me and people around me. Yup,I asked myself “What the hell was I thinking?”and so did my friends. I know they still can’t believe I can be such a rash person. . . .
Anyway,my bestie yelled at me again today. And in my desperation and my little moment of weakness,I missed one good friend that I lost in the past who was a good listener. Yeah,I kinda grew sad and then had to slap myself back to present. I’m okay, with occasional feelings of emptiness but then my friends still come to my aid and fill in the gaps. I’m happy and I’m blessed with loving and loyal friends. So what if they sometimes yell at me because they think I messed up again,they do it because they care.
I knew it when my bestie yet again came to my aid. Maybe it was a subconscious gesture when she saved me yet from another trouble but felt to me like the effort made on a very conscious level. In that single moment I felt so special and loved,I can’t even express in words.
And so is this overwhelming feeling as I write these words remembering whatever her way of showing care for me was. I wanna come over and give you a big warm hug dearie!


I miss you . . . .

I was crying uncontrollably,aching for an arm to lessen my pain with a simple hug.to show a bit of affection.I was wounded inside.How is it so easy for people to just turn away and forget those who love them so dearly?how do the discarded ones keep themselves upright and going?maybe I was new to this emotion so I didn’t know how to handle.So once again I was lying on my bed like a retard,celebrating my misfortune,with no one but tears of agony and an excruciating pain of being rejected tearing me from my inside.
I gasped for air . . . . . . . .

Lying here,in the darkened room,

craving for a soothing embrace,

tears through my stinging eyes,

longing for your shoulder,

with pain tearing me apart,

suppressing the urge to scream,

dunno how long can i brace myself.

it’s a sharp killing blow.

I never meant for you to go!

but you left without a backward glance

was it all pre-planned my love?

no good-bye,no hug,no other chance!

but I still can’t get over you.

missing you honey,

missing you so much!!!

Come sleep come!Please dont take so long now.And why don’t you call your sister along-a peaceful death for me!!!
and sleep didn’t wait for long.soon I was buried deep under its charismatic charm,tired and aching.

I woke up with a new start.my cell phone was ringing somewhere near me.I tried to sit but my head spun and there was a throbbing pain in my head.my eyes were still hazy but my ears were still working.And that’s when I heard my door closing.”Who’s there?”,I called.My glasses!Where are my glasses?My mind was fully awake now.But my eyes were blind in the darkness.But where are my glasses?I tried to find them on my bedside table but-nothing!but I would be even more blind without them,as if that were possible in the first place!

My head was better now so I took off the bed to search my glasses.It felt like walking with my eyes closed.and surprizingly my own room seemed like . . . . . I don’t know what’s the right word . . . .maybe-changed.
That’s when I bumped into something that wasn’t there when I slept.So it was time for me to panic.Frantically,I turned and asked a bit louder,”Who’s there?”
Nobody bothered to answer.But I felt something brush my body,and before I could react,two strong arms held me in a crushing embrace and a familiar voice whispered in my ear,”Happy Birthday,Love!”
One moment I was tense and the other moment I was hugging back.Tears of realization washing all the pain I had experienced.
He stroked my body with gentle hands,caressing and comforting.
My hubby knows how to comfort me.He’s got the best skill in handling me!!!

my ecstasy . . . .

“Doesnt matter where the road of life would roll,

’cause now we are two bodies but one soul.

we shall live together and die,

There wont remain any silent truth between us,

that’s the best way to avoid ado and fuss.

you,alone;are the object of my affection.

Hope you realize my raw emotions!

 Oh,the solitary resident of my heart!

I’d better die,than live apart!

today let’s make a vow and pray,

true to each other,we shall always stay.

I’ve already lost my heart to you.

My love for you is pure and true.

Your love is all for what I care.

Shunning your ways,I’d never dare.

May each sun rise brings a Valentine’s day,

and every night is a message of romance and gay!

It’s a bliss to be in your arms,

Far better than other charms.

So,hold me tight with all your might.

And never let go this ‘lovey dovey’ night.

Now or never,this chance might come.

So,let’s make our home a love kingdom!!!”

LOVE KINGDOM eh???!!!what gibberish am I writing???!!!a love kingdom for me???IMPOSSIBLE . . . !you would be wondering why.Because Im a very thankless person at that!I have always had the best share in my life . . . but never ever appreciated it!I always took it for granted . . . . never cared.I guess i deserve it,I deserve this suffering too much!

I dunno.maybe I’ve become a MASOCHIST!!!

Why can’t I just hold myself steady?Why my mind moves from one obsession to another-this thing,i may never understand.Okay,so maybe I’m boring you to the depth of your bones-but you see,I’m not a writer at all.Someone,i just happened to stumble across,a dear friend at that;advised me to either accept my life as it is,or write in a journal to put all the frustration out of my mind.So here i am . . . . .

Life has never meant for me anything,but an enjoyment-with an obsessive compulsive disorder,i suppose.the only role I played in my whole life,was that of a chaser,endlessly chasing       my each new passion and obsession.I had everything in life that makes up for a luxurious life – EVERYTHING!!!


And I mean when I say everything except . . . . . . the most essential one – PEACE!!!

I would’ve said like others that I’ve been peacefully and happily married from past one and a half-year but the truth is I’m not!Okay,I’m married,I have a 6 days old daughter to take care of,and a beautiful,gorgeous and ever caring hubby,who loves me more than I ever deserved and tries to give me every possible comfort-both mental and physical!As if that weren’t enough-but Im so shame less,I want more!

My heart still doesnt stop on one place.Sometimes I think I’m betraying my beloved hubby but the desire for adventures never ends.

My mind is craving for some mellow music . . . . . .and darkness . . . .

i played Rihanna in the background

. . . . . . Because I’m gone again
And to him I just can’t be true

And I know that he knows I’m unfaithful
And it kills him inside. . . . . . . .
I called out,”Mason,please come here.I need you.”
          . . . .I don’t wanna do this anymore
        I don’t wanna be the reason why
                Everytime I walk out the door
          I see him die a little more inside
                I don’t wanna hurt him anymore
        I don’t wanna take away his life
                         I don’t wanna be…
                                 A murderer . . . . .

I saw him coming and closed my eyes.”What’s it,dear?”,he asked,anxious.”Are you alright?’,now worried,he came closer to the couch where I lay all weak and small.

“You worry too much man”,I tried to lighten the tension.He gazed fixedly on my face.I held my hand up and he took it and sat beside me.I opened my eyes,and our eyes met for a moment.That was when i realized i wanted to talk to him,to open my heart before him.It was something I never did before,something never even dreamed of doing.

He was looking so cute,in the dim light that came from the kitchen,and so intent on knowing what disturbed me.”M-Mason-! !”,I stammered,closed my eyes again.He gave my fingers a little squeeze.It was such a warm gesture,it broke me further.I started crying.,startling him completely.I knew he would do anything and everything to comfort me right now.This,filled me with more guilt and i cried harder.Soon he was holding me close to him,brushing my tears away.”Say my Love,what disturbs you?Or is anything painful?”I clung to him closer,still pouring my tears and wetting his shirt.When I was better and could speak again,I said,”Mason,Im so sorry!!!I realy AM!”

“Don’t-Anna,please don’t!!!”,he said,tense and pained.

“Oh no,let me be!I’ve always taken you for granted,always!But Mason I’ve realized my stupid mistake.I wont run after my desires anymore.I don’t want them anymore.All I want is you to accept my apology!please-PLEASE!!!”

And I was crying again,shaking uncontrolably.”Shhhh!!!No more tears baby!No,I just can’t stand them.I just want to see you happy,that’s all I care about.I wanna see that glimmer in your eyes when you set them on your goal.I want your wild side to keep on flourishing-keeping you more alive.I like you that way-don’t change it,don’t let it die,please!!!”

Oh Lord!he was  always so gracious,taking my every blow courageously.But I,too,am changed now.I love him now,more than my life.And then we have this little doll to take care of-our little Emma.

Sometimes I wonder,what changed me?Was it the depression after the birth of our only child or was it guilt of not taking the love and care of my husband seriously?But I guess its not that important to know,since im not ever going to be that old Anna-the nonserious one,anymore.I’ve learned to treasure my life,and ask,from you,the same thing.Treasure your beloveds before they turn away from you or,are taken away forever!Love them as much as you crave to be loved back-even more.Don’t take them for granted ever!

I guess I was realy lucky that my soul mate kept by myside-but you  never know where the life could take you.

So,now Mason is lying beside me and Emma.So,I’d better stop writing and cherish the moments  . . . .

Do you know what I’ve got in store for you?

No broken stars,no moon

              But pure love and extreme care

So if you dont mind,

Just step into my heart

          And be mine forever!!!