Diary Entry: Journey


Dear diary,

I’m on my way to home after wasting two weeks entirely. I’ve been procrastinating my research work on peak. I’ve hit the bottom of the pit of lack of motivation. All I keep thinking about is my novel, which I haven’t written a single word of, after completing 3 chapters. The problem with that is that I keep thinking about the climax points of the book. I’m very much clear on those parts. I’ve even thoughts about the dialogues and every single detail for those chapters. It’s the initial chapters that would lead the story towards those chapters that I am having trouble with. I mean, I want to write them as well and like a normal human being, proceed in the right order of the novel, from start to end but I guess, by now, we all know that there is nothing about me that yells “this person is normal!” Yes, I know, I’m not normal. I’m the very definition of abnormal- not even special kind of abnormal.

*sigh*

My next war has already started. I want to join mindbridge; a call centre, for a job that they offered. The job was perfect as it was a written one. Online chats and email related and I totally aced both my interviews but my family wont let me join, which is frustrating. Let’s be honest here. I don’t do the talking. I know I can talk, I can talk really well if I try a little but talking just isn’t my kind of thing. I can write better and I’m sure that my fingers work in sync with my mind but my tongue just refuses to comply most of the times. Mum has labelled it as lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she’s right. But I blame my introversion. Even though I know very well that it’s not a disease but it’s who I am, I still don’t want to come out of my comfort zone when it comes to talking. Mum wants me to take some teaching job back in my hometown but teaching is just not my thing. Talking is a big no for me, duh!

People keep stressing that I should be married by now. But it’s not on my to do list right now. I have to stand once again for a chance at further studies. Yes, I don’t want to quit just yet. I never wanted to study more than ADCP because it was the minimum requirement for joining armed forces and I’ve been crazy passionate about armed forces all my life. I just wanted to end up there, still do. But it’s not enough now. Thanks to my beloved head of department :/ Now I want to gain a PhD and perhaps a post-doctoral degree as well (and people want to kill me for being so difficult and not getting married already)

People have this common notion in Pakiland that those who do a PhD, go partially insane. No worries there as I’m pretty sure, I already am partially insane. Anyway, I know, each step towards that goal- insanity or no insanity- means waging another war at home. But everyone knows its really hard to sway me once I have made up my mind. Let’s see what happens.

I miss my stupid friends very much these days. Been dropping subtle hints in the form of poetic verses but they don’t seem to get the idea. But then again, I feel like kicking them out of my life for not realizing that I’m trying to talk to them. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, do they even remember me, do they even miss me or am I the only one…. And when waiting for them to get the hint becomes too much, I just feel like throwing them out of my contact list, for abandoning me and leaving me with my stupid toxic thoughts even though they knew fully well that I’m a person who thinks a LOT!!! Hate you peeps for that! I dunno, I might just erase myself from your lives completely because it hurts to see your names and not talk to you but remember all the fun times we spent together. Feels like another lifetime. And I’ve been very loyal to you idiots. I didn’t make any new friends, unlike you guys. I didn’t abandon you guys but you got busy in your own lives and left me behind. My city changed, so what?! Did that mean you had to remove me from your hearts too?! Yes, I’m cross. Very cross indeed! And you know what, if I turn my back, if I turn cold, there won’t be any force that would make me love you ever again. Just sayin’. Don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you, if that happens. Huh! Your silence has always been a loud enough voice for me.

*sigh*

Okay, that’s officially too much “sighing” on my part.

*sigh*

ugh!

The moon is kinda Orangy tonight. And I should wrap this thing up because I have started writing more crap than usual.

 

Until next time!

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Diary Entry: Help!!!


Someone, please shut this chatterbox up for a little bit. My senses and my ears are almost fried! It’s my seat mate. She’s been blabbering away on her phone for more than an hour. It’s grown increasingly annoying. I need hep! I truly wish that strangling someone annoying was legal. I’d probably do it for free then.

Ugh!!!

Anyway, it rained today, in Lahore. I’m on my way back home. For the first time in my life, I saw a quarter of a rainbow, which was kinda beautiful. Yes I feel that there is a certain kind of beauty in the incomplete things. There is an amazing aura around the people who aren’t perfect.
I got super excited and happy today. My ma’am was on her way back to Lahore from Islamabad and I was heading to Daewoo terminal as well, for my departure to Sialkot. It was such a happy little unexpected meeting and it’s left me so full of energy and excitement that I can barely contain myself; the reason I’m here once again.

My writer’s block has been head-on and strong for past couple of months. I haven’t written even a single word of the novel I started writing. I’ve done pretty much nothing in these past months. Research was going well until today when my supervisor asked me to increase the length by at least 20 pages. I dunno how I’m gonna pull that off since one major reason of delay in my novel completion is my total and utter inability to drag things when they can very well be said in half of the words. Anyway, it doesn’t hurt to try!

Oh, and I wanted to remember three days of this month. First is August 14 and other two are August 20 and 21. 14 because me and my little sister went to see the air show in Islamabad. 20 and 21st because both the company and the destination of that journey were very dear to me. I love them. Islamabad, the city and my Ma’am as the companion for the journey. I love them both, dearly! It was an overwhelming double treat! And the best part is, she wasn’t my teacher during that whole journey. She was a friend. It felt like she was family, nothing less.
I know, I know, I tend to overdo things but the way I feel about her, it’s precious! She’s precious! I would never want to lose that feeling. I don’t know what came over me that day, on our journey back, I almost bared my whole soul in front of her. I guess, not everyone makes you feel the urge to share. And for me, the feeling is rather rare than it’s for most people I guess. But it was liberating and a very thought provoking experience to finally have that kind of a blessing in my life. I’m so thankful for that!

Ah, Alhamdulillah! My neighbour has finally stopped talking. And thank goodness, she’s not reading my laptop screen or she would’ve tried throwing me out of the bus.

Time for me to go as well. I wanna see something fun before I reach my city, so, until next time……!

Cheerios!

Diary Entry: That Dark Place


Dear diary,

I have started sucking pretty badly in singing. I was ashamed to hear my own recording today when I tried. I cant blame the karaoke app. Or can I?!

Anyway, I’m dwelling in my dark place where I have a lot of stuff going on inside my head but too little going outside it. I lie in bed all day, wasting precious time and doing absolutely nothing. I need an escape from Lahore-it’s very essential these days. I don’t want to go home because of all the marriage talk mum tries to do with me every single time I go back. I mean, how hard is it to understand that I don’t want to get married to engineers employed somewhere in the middle east? Or that I don’t want to get married, period!

Sometimes, when I’m in a very perceptive mood, one thought crosses my mind. What if, my history of always falling for the wrong people is the reason of my aversion? Would I ever be able to move on with my life? Or would I keep looking towards those friends of mine who actually got married and their lives after marriage didn’t turn “Oh-so-well”? And then there’s one very stupidly disturbing thought-I don’t want to grow up!

I’m serious! I don’t. And in my mind, marriage brings responsibilities and it means that now you have to be a grown up and handle kids of your own. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and would love to have one or two of my own some day but for now, I wish to accomplish something in life. I want to be an independent female before I tie the knot.

Oh, and not to forget, I need to be able to like some person enough to be able to persuade my stupid mind to actually want to marry him. And believe me, I would raise all hell if I have to, just to get to know the person who gets to marry me-if he gets to marry me.

Anyway, marriage isn’t the real reason of my writing today. I’ve hit a writer’s block and I’ve stopped updating my novel. There are just too many scenarios bugging me, keeping me restless and pinching me but whenever I try to pen them down, or in this case, type, I hit a blockage. I don’t know how long it would last and why I keep thinking of dark stuff. I need to cool off. Need a distraction. Something to drag me back to my original track. Perhaps a trip to Islamabad….. (Yeah, I wish! But mum never permits :/ )

My desperation for a change of scenario has resulted in my withdrawal from people and frustration. I want to bite people’s heads off when they try to talk to me. I want to yell at them for no reason and I’m just hating them for not understanding. My palpitations are back but even after ma’am suggested me to go see a doctor, I told her I don’t want to. I have started acting out with the people I love and after doing that, I feel guilty. So this self-destruction mode isn’t helping me at ALL!

I’m hoping that writing about it now, would lessen the intensity of insanity I’m experiencing these day because I don’t know what else to do.

 

P.S: And no, I still don’t wanna go to the doctor :/

Diary Entry: Blunders


Dear Diary,

Never again would I ever be the moderator of another official program in my life.

*huff!!!*

I mean, seriously, the pressure, the blunders, the anxiety…….. That’s simply too much!

In case you are wondering what happened, well, I was asked to be the moderator for a workshop organized by the faculty of Social Sciences in our university today, because our “usual” moderator had to go out of station. The anxiety started building up yesterday evening when I thought about actually doing the deed.  But I spent the whole time recording a voice-over for a video that my little cousin was making for a competition in her college. I had the basic structure and the event schedule provided to me yesterday but my mind didn’t feel fresh enough to rehearse, by the time I finished recording. So I simply ignored the urge to practice (a decision that by the way I am glad to have made now.)

My day today, started with running towards the auditorium because I was 3 minutes late as the bus wasn’t on time. But turned out that i was 7-12 minutes early anyway. Anyway, the starting was a little jittery but I survived through most of the day by rushing to refill my water bottle again and again during the times when the speakers were lecturing and then announcing the next speaker. Half of the time was spent giving introductions and the other half of the time was spent calling out the designations and names of important people of the university, like the dean, the registrar, the acting vice chancellor. Not to mention the repeated changes in the sequence of events and my hurried scrolls on my diary to remember those changes.

But that wasn’t enough. The closing ceremony was yet an even bigger disaster, waiting to happen. As I came on stage to announce the names of the resource persons and the organizing committee members for the reception of their respective shields and certificates, a teacher and the dean kept bugging me with new names or information every second which confused me so much. I guess, some accidents are bound to happen. So there I was, publicly humiliating myself by mixing the names and designations of who should present the next shield to whom. And to top it off, I didn’t know the name of our acting vice chancellor or even the registrar (thanks to me being an antisocial moron who doesn’t give a damn to whatever is happening around her) and I might even get chastised for it later. But I’m glad, the nightmare is over!

Never again!!!

And the most disappointing part of today was that I couldn’t be attentive during the whole speaker’s session and it was related to Qualitative research- my research is a qualitative one as well. Oh, and my head of department didn’t come today so that was very discouraging as well. But I’ve told her that I hate her for not coming today, even though, we both know that’s not true!

And right now, I feel like- either drinking a big mug of tea or sleeping for years without being disturbed! *rolling my eyes* (Like that’s gonna happen -_- )

Mayn, I’m tired!

*yawns*

The Monster in Shadows


Dumb name, I know! That’s why it’s a temporary one for the book I have started to write. I don’t know if I should call it a book or not. Yup, I’m still drowning in self doubt as always. But this is an internal fight. I keep doubting myself and yet I keep doing whatever stuff I doubt myself in.

Seems I’m not the only one who keeps doubting themselves. It seems to be a disease in my family. I’m not sure about my elder brother but my little brother and little sister keep doubting themselves. I know they can do the stuff they think they can’t do but they don’t know it.

My case is a little similar but a little different too. Deep down, I damn well know that there is nothing that I can’t do, that I put my mind to but doubting myself throughout the journey and self torment is kind of my thing. I hate it but I do it anyway.

I’ve been trying to think for an appropriate title for my novel but as of yet, I’ve failed miserably, hence this crappy name. I’ve updated the second chapter but it’s a short one since all my attempts at researching an area for the setting of my story have further confused me. I want my setting to be some part of England but I’ve never been outside of my own country so it’s hard to familiarize myself with the stuff of a foreign country through virtual aids only.

Another hindrance is that the story-line has been teasing, tormenting and keeping me awake at nights but I have not been able to think things through. I was just in a hurry to get things out of me as keeping them inside is a burden sometimes. The result- I’ve not thought about the details inside the plot. Which means that I will have to make up the details as I move along but move things in the direction that my plot wants me to take.

I’m not gonna back down though. I’ve started too many projects in the past and left them mid-way, but not this one. I’m going to force myself to complete this one. No matter how crappy the story goes. No matter how much of a failure it proves to be( or not).

Because, the monsters inside my head won’t rest until I have shot every single one of them.

 

Diary Entry:Memory Lane


Dear Diary,

March, 23, 2017: a day I never wish to forget. Well, the story starts from a couple of days before March 23rd. It started with a call from my aunt. She told me, finally uncle has been able to get his hands on passes for defense day parade for 2017 so I had to come to attend, as I was the one who had been pushing him to get them for past 3-4 years. Imagine my happiness! Yup, my heart jumped and leaped, well, as much as it could, within the confines of my rib cage. Anyway, I knew I just had to be there, somehow. And telling my family wasn’t an option. Mum and dad would never have permitted.

Some days later I got another call from my aunt, telling me that I have to be in Rawalpindi on March 20 because I got the invitation for the full dress rehearsal on March 21, instead of the actual parade on 23rd. The news put me off a little bit because I wanted to experience the real thing. But whatever! I’ll take whatever I get. My “agile” mind started planning. It decided to leave for Rawalpindi on 20th and to come back to Lahore on 22nd, as if nothing had happened.

The morning of 21st, I couldn’t contain myself. Went to the parade venue with my aunt’s sister in law and her kids as they had divided the 10 of us into two groups. One that would attend on 21st and the other on 23rd. I was among the ones down for 21st. I went there, and loved every little bit of the ceremony. But the most amazing thing was the air show by Pakistan Air force and Pakistan Army Aviation. It was simply mind blowing. The way the fighter planes soared high above our heads, the way they “twirled” and “teased”….. It was quite impressive! Impressed, I accepted for an “nth” time that I was still very much in love with the armed forces. And that love was increasing by the minute.

Afterwards, even on reaching home, I could hardly control my excitement. The downside of not being able to witness the actual thing on 23rd couldn’t even mar my excitement. I had to leave for Lahore the very next day. But me, being MAe, I couldn’t get myself to leave so soon. So I decided to stay for a bit-yet again. (Maybe I should stop pre-planning my departure dates from Islamabad-Rawalpindi, as I never, EVER leave the twin cities on the days I actually plan on leaving!)

On 22nd, my cousin decided that she didn’t want to go to the parade and I kept thinking, why did she have to be the one who got the pass to actual thing when I was the one dying to see it?!

But, then an idea hit my devious, devilish mind. Why not, go on her place for the day and be her for one day. After all, it won’t harm any one. So, I did. Initially, afraid that the organizers would refuse to let me in. But once I was inside, I thanked Allah!

So, I was finally there-a big YAAAYYY!!! Again ready to be impressed, and rightly so. The “Sherdils(Lion-hearts)”of Pakistan Air force didn’t disappoint me. The skies of Islamabad witnessed the “Cuban 8” maneuver, the “muscle climbs”, the “Barrel rolls,” the “Shaheen cuts,” the “High Aplha Pass” and “free falls” by different jets that filled the air with different colours. Before that day, I didn’t know these terms either. So it was a fun filled learning experience, alhamdulillah!

The sound of JF Thunder, piercing the skies and making our hearts race in unison as excitement coursed through our veins, it was a “high” I want to experience every single day! With each dangerous maneuver displayed by the crafts, the love of those courageous pilots increased ten folds in my heart. By the time things ended, my heart was beaming and my eyes smiling and I could not wipe off the silly grin that was plastered on my face. I want to treasure each and every second of that memory forever, and EVER! And those who haven’t had the chance to witness it first hand, try for the next time. You would not be disappointed. If it were up to me, I would never want it to end!

My friends have been a disappointment again but I should probably get used to them not making an effort to see me anymore, by now. I need to work on this- really hard! Anyway, I’m finally going home for a bit. I hope mum doesn’t hold a full-fledged inquisition. I hate it when I have something to hide and she unleashes her inquisitive assault, in full throttle!

Anyway, we are about to enter my home town, so I need to run!

Diary Entry: Super-Psyched!!!


Dear Diary,

I have started writing my first ever novel. I’m super excited. I asked my little brother for help and he gave me one of his pictures for the cover of my novel and I love it! I wasn’t sure what to name it so I just named it “The Monster in Shadows.” And instead of using my real name, I have chosen a pen name for the book. It’s EnKay Elle- Yeah, that’s kinda cooler than my actual name even though its made up of the initials of my name 😀

Anyway, I’m sharing the link to the first chapter of my novel here (Hey! I can’t help it!!!)

https://www.wattpad.com/story/103060703-the-monster-in-shadows

Do give it a read and you know, constructive criticism is always welcome!

Anyway, I should get going. I have to work on my proposal( Yup, I totally stayed up last night, writing the first chapter of my novel, instead of working on my Proposal, which is due tomorrow.)

*Shruggin’*

I really can’t help it! The story was bothering me inside my head. There is so much time I can hold my internal urges before they start controlling me. So, I gave in and poured some of the words out.

I should really, really, really go!

Until next time…..

Ciao