Diary entry 91


Dear diary,
Some of my past days have been quite stressing. Stress hasn’t left me completely but I have just tried to push the least important matters to the back of my mind,focusing on the most important and pressing matters. Will deal with the remaining matters whenever I get 1st chance to breathe. Exams are just around the corner. So things have been piling up lately. Came to class with a mind made up to finish everything today but so far,the day has been extremely lazy. Don’t know how long it would take to increase its pace. I’m bored to my core. Waiting for the teacher to come and get over with my presentation and quiz.
Likewise,some of my past nights,including  today’s,have been extremely uncomfortable too. My mind is being extremely over active and annoying. Haven’t been able to sleep properly in the nights but I don’t even bother to try sleeping during day time(dunno why).
Everywhere I look,I see people falling apart. People close to me,people I care about. I have no idea how to stop that. Its frustrating. I’m trying not to let these things take hold of me and break me. So far,I have done a lousy job. Every once in a day or so,stressful thoughts creep into my mind,and I move with their flow for some time. Then I have to slap myself back to being strong,not just for myself but for others too.
Talking to a friend about 10 days ago was kinda turning point of my life. I became hopeful again. Feel as if my life has been returned to my body. Feels like a 2nd chance at happiness. I just came to know that I can still join forces. And this time, I will make sure that at least I try once. Last time,I let the opportunity pass,but this time is different. I don’t wanna live a meaningless and lazy life anymore. I will try for Forces when I complete my degree In Sha Allah.
Still 1.5 years to go but I’m still over-excited.
There are things that I want to talk about,but once again I’m trying to spare feelings of others. I have no idea why I do it. I just do it. And even hurt myself in the process. But I guess,for once in my life I don’t wanna be self-centered and selfish. I can’t even say that this is who I am,because I no longer know if it’s the whole truth or not.
For some days,I just wanna be void of any feelings. I know it’s just wishful thinking,it’s not gonna happen and it just frustrates me even more :-/
I should’ve known there was too much inside me that would come out if I start writing. There’s more. But I should probably let it rest now. For past should remain in past,wont you agree.
Yes,I get it! I should write more often to avoid becoming insane. I get it. Damn you,my laziness!!!
:-/
Anyway,I better go now. Teacher is about to come(Yup,it would take some time and effort to normalize my mood.So I better work on it right now. Writing here has made me morose again 😦  )

Chao

My Life Without You


What’s my life without you,my love?
I wonder as I lie here,gazing stars
Nothing catches my interest anymore
Days are void of happiness,
Nights;vacant,lonely and I’m a mess
As I sail upon these uneven waters
I wonder when our sufferings will end
Open barriers,flowing,swollen eyes
I want to be the man I am,I try
To let my folks know the truth about us
But as I look upon their faces
My resolve dissolves and I despair
The stars,the nature,the seas,the shore;
Except you,my heart knows no cure
And peace,it just wont come to me
Until you’re beside me,serene,secure
What crime did I commit,but to love you
Why wont this world just let us be?
I’ve made up my mind,I’ll make you mine
Don’t worry,the help would be divine
Just hold on,be brave,a little more wait
I’ll come for you,soon,I promise……
I’ll do the right thing,for us both.
I’ll be the strength to carry you;
The love you deserve,support you need
For what’s my life without you,my love…..?

diary entry 90


Dear diary,
Girls side is buzzing with the news of strike from hostelites in the morning. Our ex-Provost and my Head of Department,when she was made to leave the office of Provost,people here were so happy (including me.I don’t like her even a little bit) But then the new Provost came and made some ridiculous rules. The girls who used to fight when their mess bill was anywhere near 2000 Rs are furious because provost fixed the amount to 5000 Rs,irrespective of how many meals were taken.
Then there is the rule that every girl has to return to hostel before 5p.m and regular classes end at 05:30 p.m and at 08:30p.m for MS students.
God save the Queen!
There are some more rules like going home only on weekends,washing our clothes only on weekends,can’t use university transport except on Sundays,can’t go home after 5p.m unless our family comes to pick us from hostel.No internet after 1 a.m.
I mean seriously,did she think she would get away with these rules and girls wont say a word?
And to add spark to the fuel,most of university related pages of facebook have practically become a war-front for males and females.Females are so touchy about the subject that they would gladly lecture anyone who tries to antagonize them tonight and you know guys. . . .they are doing just “That!!!”
I am a very neutral kinda person most of the time.But,hell,even I have objection on some of those rules.If I go home on a weekend,there is no way I can make it back to hostel before 5p.m unless I start my journey at 10 am or so.Leaving uni on Friday reaching home on Friday night and then again leaving for uni early on Sunday morning.Its like going just to touch my destination and running back to the pavilion.I’m not competing in a race for God’s sake!
:-/
Anyway,If there is a strike I would be sure to be a part of it.Even if it means getting out of my bed at 5am and marching towards transport office and blocking the way of my uni buses.Not to get those rules changed,but just for the sake of fun 😉

Anyway,my meds are making me drowsy again-ALREADY!!! :/

Catch you later,if life permits 🙂

Diary entry 89


Dear diary,
I haven’t been me for some past days. With the cold growing outside,my throat has become a torture. Bad voice,cough attacks . . . . And when I take medicines,I sleep the whole day and the whole night :/ Its irritating.
I went to my university doctor today and she prescribed an inhaler.I’ve been feeling a little better since then but dizziness just wont leave me alone 😦
I had something in my mind before taking a long nap,that I wanted to talk about,here.But can’t remember it now,at all.
Only two of my class presentations are left and then finals . . . . .
My department is conducting a trip to Kallar Kahar,Khewra and Fort Katas.I wanted so much to go,still do. But my mum wants me to stay put. Saying that there have been several accidents in past few days,due to fog,killing at least 13 people in my own city alone. I still wanna go,but maybe I wont,just for my mum’s satisfaction. Plus,if my whole journey is spent in drowsiness,it wont be very fruitful.

Anyway,it’s almost mess time.
Catch you later in sha Allah!

Diary entry 88


Dear diary,

Presentation went great alhamdulillah! Our teacher loved it and some class fellows were actually listening too :p
Dearie,I have so many mixed thoughts about my (not so secret any more)endeavor.Should I continue on my journey or should I take a break?Should I be even using evil means to eradicate an even bigger evil?
Well,I know evil can’t eradicate evil.So I’m going to ask Allah (SWT) for guidance in this matter. I’m sure He will guide me in the matter and won’t leave me alone. The things I did in past some days were kinda rash, I know it,I realize it. I was impulsive and this impulse could be the death of me. I can’t remember any incident in my past that was based so strongly on impulse. I mean I didn’t have to think about dealing with such a feeling. But just this one came and kinda shocked me and people around me. Yup,I asked myself “What the hell was I thinking?”and so did my friends. I know they still can’t believe I can be such a rash person. . . .
Anyway,my bestie yelled at me again today. And in my desperation and my little moment of weakness,I missed one good friend that I lost in the past who was a good listener. Yeah,I kinda grew sad and then had to slap myself back to present. I’m okay, with occasional feelings of emptiness but then my friends still come to my aid and fill in the gaps. I’m happy and I’m blessed with loving and loyal friends. So what if they sometimes yell at me because they think I messed up again,they do it because they care.
I knew it when my bestie yet again came to my aid. Maybe it was a subconscious gesture when she saved me yet from another trouble but felt to me like the effort made on a very conscious level. In that single moment I felt so special and loved,I can’t even express in words.
And so is this overwhelming feeling as I write these words remembering whatever her way of showing care for me was. I wanna come over and give you a big warm hug dearie!

Love!

Diary entry 87


Dear diary,
I should be preparing for my “Neurological Basis of Behaviour” presentation which is due tomorrow but I am too busy,doing nothing exactly. 7 emotional disorders and a messed up(cum sleepy) mind.What should I do?Where should I go?
Arghhhh!!!
The names of some of those disorders are fun to pronounce.I just spent past some minutes trying to learn how to pronounce “Urbach Wiethe Syndrome,Klüver Bucy Syndrome” and “Möbius’ syndrome.”And after going through that most interesting thing,I don’t have any stamina to even try to read and know what happens in these Syndromes. I wonder what am I going to tell a class full of non co-operative students about them.(Nope,I’m just kidding. My class is almost too co-operative :p So co-operative that I can’t even digest this knowledge! If only you knew what I mean 😉 )

Anyway,my temples are aching,practically pissing me off and I think I deserve rest after my journey back to hostel and a fun-filled weekend.
See you very soon In Sha Allah!
(Hopefully,if I’m not behind bars or something for my little adventure 4 days back 😉 As if I care!)
Sayonara!
P.S:Screw Studies,I’m off to sleep!

Diary entry 86


Dear diary,
Its been a fun weekend. I sneaked out of my hostel to go to my bestie’s place. Babies here are so damn cute. One in particular,the smallest one,who keeps smiling at me and when I call his name he just laughs and becomes shy. Love it!
Miss my own family seeing all this love in the air but seems like I wont be getting a chance to meet them before my finals end.
Went to a seminar on Wednesday in my university where I had the time of my life. And today I was bombarded with lots of questions from the head organizer of that seminar. Things she wanted to know,that didn’t concern her even in the least. And I just told her to back off. If someone needs to talk to me they better come to me directly. I don’t have patience to entertain messengers.
Gawd!!! She messed up with my mind and irritated the hell outta me.
But like I said before,what doesn’t kill you,makes you strong.
Anyway,having a lot of fun with my bestie. Glad to have come to her place.
And glad to have your cheerful usual self back.
Girl,you rock this world!!!
Love ya into bits and pieces

P.S:Thanks for not letting tensions take hold of you and showing me your “bestest”side there could ever be 🙂
Love.