Closed Doors


“When one door closes, another opens,” I’ve heard it so many times. Oh, I so want it to be true, especially right now. Things have been on a downward spiral for me. My beloved madam left the university and I didn’t even get to meet her before she left. I applied for a job that perfectly suited me (the introvert side of me), I got a call from there today telling me to join them on training on coming Saturday. This news would have been a silver lining to my dark cloudy sky but it didn’t comfort me because my father isn’t permitting me to join.

I spent over half of my life, thinking I wasn’t good enough. Loads of self-criticism can sometimes do that to you. And instead of judging people, I judge myself- A LOT. And then there was my mum, telling me I didn’t do anything good with my life and I couldn’t do anything good because I told her I wasn’t teaching material. Thank to my introversion again, public speaking has never been my thing. I’ve tried and failed miserably. Not including presentations in the class, I used to ace them but that’s not the point. According to her, if I can’t teach, it means I can’t do anything. I always tend to ignore such negative remarks or fight about them but sometimes, in some weak moment, when I hear something like this, it stays with me. Being an introvert has never been easy mainly because nobody else in my family or even in my relatives, is an introvert. So people don’t understand what they aren’t even aware about. After studying about these personality types, I slowly started telling people about them and letting them know that it wasn’t any disorder or disease, that it was normal.

Anyway, I haven’t been able to do any further work on my research, ever since my supervisor told me to increase it’s length. So, my life is a big disappointment for me right now and nobody would let me change it even though I want it to. I applied for a job because I wanted my life to be meaningful. I wanted to feel that my life was worth living, that I wasn’t another average ordinary “female” whose sole duty is to do household chores. I know that’s what my parents want to see- me, married and happy. What they don’t realize is, marriage might never make me happy. To leave one place where nobody wants to let you do with your life as you please and end up in another place where the same thing is going to happen, only the person passing orders would be different this time…..there’s nothing attractive for me in that kind of life.

I dunno what’s gonna happen but I hope all these wrong doors would close on me and the right one would open soon before I go insane!

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Diary Entry: Journey


Dear diary,

I’m on my way to home after wasting two weeks entirely. I’ve been procrastinating my research work on peak. I’ve hit the bottom of the pit of lack of motivation. All I keep thinking about is my novel, which I haven’t written a single word of, after completing 3 chapters. The problem with that is that I keep thinking about the climax points of the book. I’m very much clear on those parts. I’ve even thoughts about the dialogues and every single detail for those chapters. It’s the initial chapters that would lead the story towards those chapters that I am having trouble with. I mean, I want to write them as well and like a normal human being, proceed in the right order of the novel, from start to end but I guess, by now, we all know that there is nothing about me that yells “this person is normal!” Yes, I know, I’m not normal. I’m the very definition of abnormal- not even special kind of abnormal.

*sigh*

My next war has already started. I want to join mindbridge; a call centre, for a job that they offered. The job was perfect as it was a written one. Online chats and email related and I totally aced both my interviews but my family wont let me join, which is frustrating. Let’s be honest here. I don’t do the talking. I know I can talk, I can talk really well if I try a little but talking just isn’t my kind of thing. I can write better and I’m sure that my fingers work in sync with my mind but my tongue just refuses to comply most of the times. Mum has labelled it as lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she’s right. But I blame my introversion. Even though I know very well that it’s not a disease but it’s who I am, I still don’t want to come out of my comfort zone when it comes to talking. Mum wants me to take some teaching job back in my hometown but teaching is just not my thing. Talking is a big no for me, duh!

People keep stressing that I should be married by now. But it’s not on my to do list right now. I have to stand once again for a chance at further studies. Yes, I don’t want to quit just yet. I never wanted to study more than ADCP because it was the minimum requirement for joining armed forces and I’ve been crazy passionate about armed forces all my life. I just wanted to end up there, still do. But it’s not enough now. Thanks to my beloved head of department :/ Now I want to gain a PhD and perhaps a post-doctoral degree as well (and people want to kill me for being so difficult and not getting married already)

People have this common notion in Pakiland that those who do a PhD, go partially insane. No worries there as I’m pretty sure, I already am partially insane. Anyway, I know, each step towards that goal- insanity or no insanity- means waging another war at home. But everyone knows its really hard to sway me once I have made up my mind. Let’s see what happens.

I miss my stupid friends very much these days. Been dropping subtle hints in the form of poetic verses but they don’t seem to get the idea. But then again, I feel like kicking them out of my life for not realizing that I’m trying to talk to them. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, do they even remember me, do they even miss me or am I the only one…. And when waiting for them to get the hint becomes too much, I just feel like throwing them out of my contact list, for abandoning me and leaving me with my stupid toxic thoughts even though they knew fully well that I’m a person who thinks a LOT!!! Hate you peeps for that! I dunno, I might just erase myself from your lives completely because it hurts to see your names and not talk to you but remember all the fun times we spent together. Feels like another lifetime. And I’ve been very loyal to you idiots. I didn’t make any new friends, unlike you guys. I didn’t abandon you guys but you got busy in your own lives and left me behind. My city changed, so what?! Did that mean you had to remove me from your hearts too?! Yes, I’m cross. Very cross indeed! And you know what, if I turn my back, if I turn cold, there won’t be any force that would make me love you ever again. Just sayin’. Don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you, if that happens. Huh! Your silence has always been a loud enough voice for me.

*sigh*

Okay, that’s officially too much “sighing” on my part.

*sigh*

ugh!

The moon is kinda Orangy tonight. And I should wrap this thing up because I have started writing more crap than usual.

 

Until next time!

Diary Entry: Help!!!


Someone, please shut this chatterbox up for a little bit. My senses and my ears are almost fried! It’s my seat mate. She’s been blabbering away on her phone for more than an hour. It’s grown increasingly annoying. I need hep! I truly wish that strangling someone annoying was legal. I’d probably do it for free then.

Ugh!!!

Anyway, it rained today, in Lahore. I’m on my way back home. For the first time in my life, I saw a quarter of a rainbow, which was kinda beautiful. Yes I feel that there is a certain kind of beauty in the incomplete things. There is an amazing aura around the people who aren’t perfect.
I got super excited and happy today. My ma’am was on her way back to Lahore from Islamabad and I was heading to Daewoo terminal as well, for my departure to Sialkot. It was such a happy little unexpected meeting and it’s left me so full of energy and excitement that I can barely contain myself; the reason I’m here once again.

My writer’s block has been head-on and strong for past couple of months. I haven’t written even a single word of the novel I started writing. I’ve done pretty much nothing in these past months. Research was going well until today when my supervisor asked me to increase the length by at least 20 pages. I dunno how I’m gonna pull that off since one major reason of delay in my novel completion is my total and utter inability to drag things when they can very well be said in half of the words. Anyway, it doesn’t hurt to try!

Oh, and I wanted to remember three days of this month. First is August 14 and other two are August 20 and 21. 14 because me and my little sister went to see the air show in Islamabad. 20 and 21st because both the company and the destination of that journey were very dear to me. I love them. Islamabad, the city and my Ma’am as the companion for the journey. I love them both, dearly! It was an overwhelming double treat! And the best part is, she wasn’t my teacher during that whole journey. She was a friend. It felt like she was family, nothing less.
I know, I know, I tend to overdo things but the way I feel about her, it’s precious! She’s precious! I would never want to lose that feeling. I don’t know what came over me that day, on our journey back, I almost bared my whole soul in front of her. I guess, not everyone makes you feel the urge to share. And for me, the feeling is rather rare than it’s for most people I guess. But it was liberating and a very thought provoking experience to finally have that kind of a blessing in my life. I’m so thankful for that!

Ah, Alhamdulillah! My neighbour has finally stopped talking. And thank goodness, she’s not reading my laptop screen or she would’ve tried throwing me out of the bus.

Time for me to go as well. I wanna see something fun before I reach my city, so, until next time……!

Cheerios!

Losing the Plot Mate!


You know that feeling, when you are there and you aren’t really out there? When one moment, one very deceptive little moment makes you feel wanted. But when the deception wears off, you come to know where you really stand. When you get excited that you finally found your reason for being alive and then, in a flash, just like that, that reason ceases to exist. When your own feet don’t want to carry you further, your shoes bite your toes. When everything good that you got going in some fragment of your life goes up in a cloud like POOF!!! The emptiness inside, eating away your soul. The struggle, that’s very real. When tears flow not because you are weak, but because the pain is like a giant, devouring you whole. How does it feel to be the outsider in your own life?! Does any other hurt compare to that one?!

I’ve spent my whole life, being a stranger in my own life. Losing people I love and was afraid to lose. Getting hurt as a punishment for being nice ( no I don’t mean NICE, nice. I meant refusing to be mean even to those who deserve it). One by one, people go away. Not in death but in life. ‘Cause death would mean, a valid reason. That there was some hope somewhere.  But I guess, some people are cursed this way. Doomed! Left to dwell alone. To deal with the extreme highs and lows on their own. I think either I’m cursed that way or I’m developing a bipolar disorder.

Diary Entry: Instinct


Dear Diary,

I was okay, a couple of minutes ago but now I have a really bad feeling inside. All of a sudden. And I don’t even know why. It’s as if I have lost something very important or I’m about to. I want to cry on my loss but I don’t know if I have really lost something or not. Does this all make any sense? I have learned that I should trust my instinct, but what is it that it wants to tell me right now?!

 

The Monster in Shadows


Dumb name, I know! That’s why it’s a temporary one for the book I have started to write. I don’t know if I should call it a book or not. Yup, I’m still drowning in self doubt as always. But this is an internal fight. I keep doubting myself and yet I keep doing whatever stuff I doubt myself in.

Seems I’m not the only one who keeps doubting themselves. It seems to be a disease in my family. I’m not sure about my elder brother but my little brother and little sister keep doubting themselves. I know they can do the stuff they think they can’t do but they don’t know it.

My case is a little similar but a little different too. Deep down, I damn well know that there is nothing that I can’t do, that I put my mind to but doubting myself throughout the journey and self torment is kind of my thing. I hate it but I do it anyway.

I’ve been trying to think for an appropriate title for my novel but as of yet, I’ve failed miserably, hence this crappy name. I’ve updated the second chapter but it’s a short one since all my attempts at researching an area for the setting of my story have further confused me. I want my setting to be some part of England but I’ve never been outside of my own country so it’s hard to familiarize myself with the stuff of a foreign country through virtual aids only.

Another hindrance is that the story-line has been teasing, tormenting and keeping me awake at nights but I have not been able to think things through. I was just in a hurry to get things out of me as keeping them inside is a burden sometimes. The result- I’ve not thought about the details inside the plot. Which means that I will have to make up the details as I move along but move things in the direction that my plot wants me to take.

I’m not gonna back down though. I’ve started too many projects in the past and left them mid-way, but not this one. I’m going to force myself to complete this one. No matter how crappy the story goes. No matter how much of a failure it proves to be( or not).

Because, the monsters inside my head won’t rest until I have shot every single one of them.

 

Diary Entry: In a Big Mess Again


Dear Diary,

I’m in a big mess again, not that anybody really cares!

I think I’m suffering from binge-season-watching disorder :/ And it’s stopping me from working on my research proposal. which is due very very soon. One more thing that has been bugging me is not being able to think a suitable title/ name for my novel. I have the story inside my head, waiting, ever so impatiently, to get out. But my lack of creativity when comes to titles, is giving me a hard time. Plus, I’ve decided, I want to snap a picture myself or take help from my little brother for the cover, as he’s an amazing- emerging photographer. So there’s that!

Oh, by the way, ever since I changed my laptop, whenever I write as, it gets written as an “ass.” I try to proofread the stuff I post but if some day by some mistake it remains unchanged, well, I warned you in advance 😀

I need a big push to write my research proposal. I’ve been delaying it for 10 days, watching different seasons and movies :/

By the way, Victorious is one awesome season. Seeing them, I want to write my own songs and compose music, even though I don’t know how to write a song or play a musical instrument. Yup, I’ve been crazy in the past slightly. The status has been changed to “completely, utterly” crazy.

I really need to work on that stupid proposal!!!

Arghhh, grrrrr!!!!

Somebody save meeeeeeeeee!!!!