Suicidal Ideation


I want to end this life
Did I just startle you?
I don’t wanna say good-bye
Is it too like me?
It’s not something I thought of,today
Its been building inside for so long
I can’t bear it anymore
Does it sound like giving up?
Yes,you have me wrapped around your palm
One twist here,one turn there
And I am broken,crushed,mishandled
Nothing seems worth living for
Nothing fancy in life anymore
Disdain and evil,looking my way
And all the accusing glances
I wanna get over with it in one go
I wanna take the short way out
Just like the coward I am
I can’t keep your love in this heart any longer
And live with myself after betraying you
You have every right to hate me
Hell, I hate myself too.more than you can ever do
So,I don’t wanna live anymore
I want to end this life
And I want you to help me to sleep
Forever,please just this one last favour…..

Diary entry 118


Dear diary,
I have opened and closed this blog for 4th or 5th time, every time with a mind to write something, anything. But every time, I closed it again. Not being able to make my mind is a torture really. Now, finally I’m here and I’m writing.
Dear diary, there is a tremendous weight on my shoulders. The two people close to my heart here in Islamabad wont just stop giving me a hard time. I have thought hard and for long hours but my heart(that idiot!) wont let me let go of any of the two. He wants to stick to them just like an afraid child clings to his mother. Pathetic, I know. But if was it ever so easy to make this stupid heart understand, I would’ve done the job already. It just wont listen to me anymore. Yes, it pisses me off big time. So much that instead of using my most usual word “yeah”, I used “Yes.”
I’m often greeted with hot flashes in my body these days than not. It’s difficult to know the cause since I’m someone who is effected by cold more than the hot weather. Probably its just hypoglycemia because none of the other possible explanations could be related to me. And then there is this feeling of uneasiness in crowded places. I recently learned it is called Agoraphobia. Agora is a Greek word meaning “a place where people meet.” So roughly its the fear of market place or crowded places. It may also include the fear of vast open spaces. Nope, I’m not getting better in Psychology. I gave an exam on Monday that kept me awake whole night. It was a subject called “Mental Health and Psychopathology 2.” An otherwise interesting subject but so much syllabus piled up that I could not enjoy it while preparing for it.
Hell,no! I don’t have Agoraphobia (thank goodness) I just feel slightly uneasy and out of breath in crowded places,that’s it.
My roommate’s body spray ended some days back,so my lungs are enjoying the little break they have right now. I hope she never brings a new one. Because she doesn’t use them like a normal human being. She practically takes shower in her body spray, almost choking me to death every time!
Anyway, I still have so many mixed feelings but my mind is a bit calm now. I don’t wanna lose any of the two people whom I call my friends,here in Islamabad. But I can do nothing about it,just pray silently and hope that Allah listens to them soon,that Allah sees my lips moving and understands what my heart wants,then give it precisely what it desires.
I have an urge to run, a craving. But at this hour, I wont find a space long enough and deserted enough to do it. I wish there was such a place,though :-/
Until we meet again!

Diary entry 117


Dear diary,
Today’s exam went great with one little regret or lets say misfortune but that’s all. I’m more focused, more alert today. Don’t know for how long, but I’m enjoying every moment of being serious and focused. It rarely happens for me,so I’m trying to benefit from it as much as I can.
Some days back, I saw the movie called “Her.” It sure is a lovely movie. But one thing I loved was the guy’s job. I mean,seriously, he dictated some beautiful stuff. And so powerful that it would make one fall in love. I secretly envy his job :-p I mean, why does he get to do the most interesting job in a most interesting way and I don’t? Yeah,I know,it’s just a movie. It isn’t real. but if it ever is, I know now what my dream job would be!
Dearie, one more exam to go. Then I would be able to have some respite, hopefully.
Did I tell you that I feel uneasy when I’m in a crowded place? Well,it happened again,today. I went to the market place and was so uncomfortable after half an hour or so,that I had to practically drag my roommate to get the hell out of the place. Still a little bit of claustrophobic I guess. Every single time seems like its stronger the past. Who knows for sure. Anyway, for the first time I feel kinda light and free. Enjoying every moment of it.
But I should be careful not to get too used to it. Some people actually have to work hard to be happy in life. I guess, with the talents I’ve been bestowed with, I have a little harder test than most. Off course, it doesn’t get any easier. But still I’m happy to be me.
indexAnd I feel it in my bones!!!

Where the flowers bloom


“You have to stand for the right thing,even if it means that you have to stand alone.”
The words still ring in my ears, the words of my “Introduction to law” teacher. I thought I knew what it meant. I thought I understood. But I couldn’t be more wrong. But today I know for sure how it happens. You keep your mouth shut and everyone likes you, the moment you object to something, you become the bad person. And YES, you stand alone,literally!
“Laugh and the world laughs with you.Cry and you cry alone!”
I couldn’t be more blessed than I feel right now. Every thing happening around me is giving me hints, what should I do, how should I deal with my current predicament. What should be my plan of action. I feel somewhat free, from the clutches of self-doubt and fear of rejection,my fear of losing people I love. It smells like salvation, like spring, like a chance to actually leave my stagnation behind and grow, a chance to spread my wings and fly away, a chance at happiness!

Coming back from market today just gave me this comforting idea. Roads are under construction near my university and most of the area has been dug out. But there,amidst the construction equipment and little places where there is still some part of mud visible, I could see flowers, in their full bloom. The flowers that grew on their own,without someone actually having to plant them. This got me thinking, if this isn’t a  sign, which miracle are you waiting for?
Now I know, why I am tried and tested every day, scratched and left to bleed every once a week. It has a higher purpose. I’m tested at every turn to prepare for the biggest and the most beautiful blooming, for the best spring the naked eye can witness. Oh sure, things get so hard once in a while, but if the end is good, who cares what happened on the way. After all,Earth doesn’t produce the best of its fruits without being prodded and poked. I get it now.
I wanted to go some place where the flowers bloom, where there is no gloom. What I failed to realize was that I was that place I was dreaming about. I was that place where I wanted to go. ME! The only miracle present here is my own self.
And you know what, I’m happy that I realized this finally!!!

Diary entry 116


Dear diary,
A window of respite has opened for me. Most of my subjects that I don’t like or suck at, their exam is over. Tomorrow is “Developmental Psychology ” exam. I love the subject, totally! It should not be hard.
I’m extremely tired again,today. Sleepless nights again, tired and frustrated mornings. During exam timings,there’s nothing I would want more than have some sleep but NO,I have to finish the exam everyday and take regular classes too. Mid terms suck really :-/
Okay, my concentration just went down the drain.
See you some other time
Guten tag

Things I want to do before I die


I have always been a mouthy person when I am comfortable in my surroundings. But today I want to use pictures instead of too many words. So here I go…….
1. Learn Archery
index(Currently looking for a place where I can get trained,within the twin cities.If anyone knows,do let me know,pretty please!!!)

2. Get better at writing

index

3. Learn Knitting and Crochet

images4. Getting Horse-riding lessons

sfe5. Learn Sword fighting

asfsdfNope,I’m not trying to become a Vigilante 😉

6. Learn how to Swim

xd7. Learn different Languages

ef8. Learn driving

sadf9. Learn Tajweed and Memorize Qur’an

index

10. Be The Woman in White instead of Red when I Marry

photo.php11. Make Friends without Hurting them in the long run,just for a change

1451570_461793333951702_7745215552536848744_n12. Join Forces

imagesCan’t wait for my passion to come true!

Diary entry 115


Dear diary,
I don’t know what I feel right now and if I really want to feel this way or not. There is extreme happiness inside me and then there is sorrow like a shadow, darkening that happiness. I can’t figure out which emotion to express. When I decide to write about the grief and the reason why I feel down, my happiness tugs at me. And when I decide that I’m going to write about my happiness, my heart literally cries out because of the pain inside.
There is a guy, younger than me, who used to be my junior in my college, was my van fellow and used to call me his sister, for he had none of his own. His mother died of a heart attack last week. I just came to know about it yesterday. I don’t know how to react, how to comfort. This is the point where I feel the pain inside and can do nothing. Oh, I hate this feeling. Losing a mother is never easy. When I put my problems in front of me, they look so little, so feeble, so insignificant compared to his agony. Yes, I’m devastated by the news. And my friend problems, my exams and all the other problems that keep me busy, they are not even problems!
I think I have become such a whiner and I’m getting used to complaining here all the time. this is NOT good! I have to stop before it’s too late. Oh God,the pain just wont leave! :-/ I hope and pray that his mum’s soul rests in peace and Allah gives him and his family, patience.Writing is liberating for me,most of the time. It works wonders.
But not being able to say,whatever you want to say, not being able to express whatever you wish to express and not because you can’t, but because, it’s better under a veil than out in the open,it sucks, BIG time!
Maybe I should say why I was happy,too. I mean, I don’t actually have to act like a crybaby all the time. I must write about the good things too, right?!
So, here it goes…….
Another teacher of mine saw some potential in me, quite recently. And this time it’s the writer me that gave the hint. My teacher said “Nayab, after completing you BS, you should do Masters in English some day. You have the potential and you can do it easily.”
Oh yes, I am happy and even after days, these words have kept me cheerful through my days.
My days are kinda hectic and I have started sleeping too much and at most odd times. So much for a good routine. Every time I try that, it goes down the drain :-/
Tomorrow is my Research Methodologies II exam and this subject kinda sucks too. I dream of the days when this ordeal would be finally over In Sha Allah! I hope it does end very soon. I’m thinking about trying something that I have never tried before in my blog. Thinking of making next post a “picture post.”
Lets see if the idea materializes or not.
Gotta go from here to think about the next post.

P.S:Don’t forget to pray for the deceased,it’s a special request from my side.
Chao!

Diary entry 114


Dear diary,
my mid terms have started and I’m proving true to my clan of “lazy bunch of students.” I’m studying but I don’t want to see these subjects ever in my life again. Today is my statistics exam, and I hate it totally!
Facebook is filled with the comments and statuses of my classmates. I’m going one step further and writing in here 😀 Anyway, there is one or 2 subject in every semester that is to torture the students or send their GPA down the drain. And sometimes there are such teachers who are not better suited to the subject they are teaching. And if we combine both of these,then mass murder happens. So today, I’m hoping that by some miracle, that doesn’t happen.
Anyway, my blog got unusually high hits the day before yesterday. I was ecstatic off course!
There’s been another development. The post I wrote about DJ Tamz, well I guess, some die-hard fan of his just read it. Off course she’s heart-broken and was asking me why I tagged him. Seems like a nice person with obviously the wrong person as her ideal.I hope the knowledge benefits her somehow. Now it seems like I have done my job. I knew the truth and it was my job to share it  with at least some of the other people. One has gotten to know the truth, I guess that’s enough for me. At least I tried to stop the wrong by the only possible way I knew how. And I’m more peaceful now, alhamdulillah!
I know initially such knowledge about a person whom you hold too high in regard,it hurts. It’s the most natural thing. But it does get better in the end if we let go of things sooner.
I have to go before I start something longer here. Have a paper in the morning and these days I’m more “sleepy-head” than alert and awake head,
Catch you as soon as I can.

 

A little history,plus some mystery equals to Me


It seems like ages since I have written anything but diaries or poems. But tonight I wanted to pour my heart out in something other than a diary post. My inspiration was another blogger Rafia Asif with a blog “Master Passion Greed.” I just came to know she is from my beloved city Sialkot. My excitement just won’t die so I decided that I should write a post and mention her. Off course there is more to this post than mere acknowledging that she is from my city. I don’t think I know her personally but I do hope I do(or that I get to know her better). Still sharing the same city has brought a feeling of being closer to her. I don’t know if you feel the same girl but I’m truly happy.
Anyway, this knowledge has lit up something inside me. I don’t know what it is but it seems to be something amazing. I have been hiding myself for too long I guess. I want to share some very basic things about myself tonight. Don’t ask me why.
(Yeah,I do realize that I should’ve written all this stuff earlier and that too in my “About” page. But hey,better late than never,right?!)
I am Nayab Khan, from Sialkot, an army brat and a patriot. Currently residing in Islamabad, a Psychology major, undergrad student in International Islamic University,Islamabad.
I’ve been an avid reader since my early childhood years, a singer for more than 20 years of my life,which practically includes my whole school and college life.
Writing for me, started when I was in grade 9,when I wrote my first poem. It was a poem about Harry Potter(my obsession at that time)and I used both English and Urdu to write it. A pretty childish move on my part which I even forgot until an English class in grade 10,when the teacher praised a story I had written as an assignment given by my English teacher. She made every class fellow read my story(Yes,I’m proud of it!). Then came the years I spent in college. There again my English teacher became my biggest motivator. I still remember her words to me like it was just yesterday.
“Nayab,mark my words, wherever you go in life,whatever field you choose,you will excel in it so much because you have a creative mind. And creative people always excel.”
That was the turning point for me. The second person playing a major role in my motivation became an English presenter in our local radio “Radio Buraq,104 fm.” I usually call that period,”the prime time” in my life. That was the start of my feeble efforts at writing poetic verses. DJ Farhan and the feedback from listeners told me, I had it in me.
3rd person to support me was my class mate and a very good friend, who used to write herself too.
On November 9,2007 an Iqbal day Inter college competition organized by City Mag,a local fortnightly magazine,was the last push I needed. After winning the competition(I had to sing poetry of Iqbal) the I had a little chat with the Chief editor of City Mag,telling him how much I loved the magazine(I was a regular reader mainly because of short stories and interviews of DJs of fm 104-my obsession at that time). He asked me “Why don’t you start writing too?We’ll be happy to print.”
And that’s how my life as a writer began. I have the honour of being the youngest writer for City Mag at that time who became popular among the readers very soon because of my short stories. But it didn’t last long. I had to leave for Islamabad.
Islamabad meant the start of another phase for me. Yeah,I’m a graduate from Al-huda International Institute of Islamic Studies for Women,Islamabad. Without any doubt, the one and a half years I spent there have been the best years of my life,til date. There I learnt how to put my voice to a better use. I learnt to do recitation along with many more things. My biggest achievement there was memorizing 3oth juz of Qur’an. I know it’s not much,but I still am proud of it.
And end of my time in Al-Huda meant start of my life in university. Here, I was a completely different person. I have always been a peace-loving,crowd avoiding book loving person who hated limelight from the very start(in short,an introvert). But coming to university kinda increased the intensity of those behaviours. I have grown extremely selective in making friends(I was like that in the past too but not extreme case). I talk less, keep more to myself which means I have stopped participating in any extracurricular activities,spending more time in classes than I used to,in my school years. I practically become to most dormant person,perhaps,in my whole university except for one activity. I do participate in SIST every year. In my university years, my participation in Shifa Inter Scholastic tournament every year has been about the only activity that gives me satisfaction and reminds me of good old days of the past when I used to be on stage most of the time. Believe me, there’s no bigger satisfaction than participating in recitation competitions and winning 1st prize every time. It seems like that was the whole purpose of my creation.
Oh,and the biggest force behind me going on stage has always been my beloved mother who kept pushing me to participate and actually live my life to the full. Mama, thank you for that. And I have grown lazy in past some years(mum still forces me to participate in competitions in university.So yeah,I’m guilty of hiding any such events from her 😀 )
Now before I go, some words for my granddad, who was the writer in my family(Bashir Ahmed Lodhi,who wrote “Tauheed aur hum“and “Shukar,taubah aur hum“,published by Darussalam publishers). I always perceive that I got my prose-writing genes from him and my poetry-writing genes from mum,along with a good voice.
That’s all my life was before today. Who knows what tomorrow brings(A thought just crossed my mind. Since,my grandpa wrote his books in Urdu,maybe I should be the one to translate them into English.Just a fleeting thought. But maybe instead of forgetting it,I will work to actually do it.Who knows 🙂 )

Here’s the link to Rafia’s blog if anyone is interested.

Diary entry 113


Dear diary,
Its one of those days when I don’t want to sleep but my mind is so sleepy and my eyes hurt. I hadn’t planned on writing anything here due to my current condition but since I have started writing,maybe I should write some more.
Mid terms are around the corner. In fact they are dangling like a sword on our heads. Why they feel like a sword is because like all the previous times, my preparation sucks even this time. I don’t know how I always find myself in my own mess. Well,off course I’m the one who makes all the mess for myself but I wonder when and how do I get all this time to do it. I’m deep again. The only way I see is kinda hard for me to be on. I mean, actually studying for the exams . . . . . . I already feel like . . . . . . . . . aarrrghhhhh!
Nope, my life isn’t over yet. And off course, In the end I will have to sit down and study. You know I’m already dreading that moment :-/ I don’t know whats wrong with me. Is it just me or do all students feel the same?
Ugh,all this wondering and thinking is giving me a headache.
I better go and welcome a sweet night’s sleep and give rest to my tired eyes.
More later In Sha Allah!

Ma’assalamah!