Diary Entry: Oh the Downs!


Dear diary,

By now, I know, I should be able to pull through bad mood swings but I haven’t.I have an exam on the coming Saturday, my final research methodology exam, for which I’m not prepared even in the least- AGAIN! I’m still home but mum has been really accommodating where studies are concerned. She is letting me sit and try to study, which previously I thought was kinda impossible at home. I actually did get some stuff done and out of the way. But there is a constant gloomy cloud over my head since last night. Mum has inquired more than twice today, if something is wrong with me, if I’m hiding something….. Of course something is wrong with me and of course I’m hiding something, but my dear mum, you don’t need to know that, because I know that if you know, you’ll worry yourself sick. Plus, its my personal weakness and my own private battle to fight. Its January- the month in which my roommate died, two years back. For past 2 years, it has been bringing me low moods, anxiety and bad health. Once it passes, I recover on my own. I know her death has affected me more severely than I would like to admit but its a fact. I don’t know how long it would take me to get rid of this type of reactions from my physical being. or if I ever would…..

I think, for me to heal properly, I need closure. I need to stop running. But I don’t know how to do it.

Sometimes, I wish, there was someone, with whom I could share, getting past my inhibitions. But every single time I have tried opening up, people tend to run in the opposite direction. I don’t if it’s the intensity of the emotions or just their plain lack of interest that drives them away. And then it forces me to pull back and hide myself in layers upon layers of superficial “I’m perfectly spiffingly amazing aura,” and deal with my share of pain, all alone, inside, with oblivious people around me. Sometimes I wish, for people to try, at least for a little bit, to understand what goes on inside my head, instead of judging me and labeling me with labels like “a secretive person or a complex entity.” But nobody looks at me and sees someone tired of hiding behind layers. All they see is someone who doesn’t complain openly. All they see, is bravery, stubbornness and a strong will. Nobody deciphers how much of a sham these things have become.

There is so much I want to say, so much that my insides constantly scream when my tongue is completely silent and stone cold. Most often than not, I dwell at a lonely place. A place where nobody comes to visit. A place filled with the downs but the very place that has me in its strong hold.

And there is a blockage inside my head right now. It might be because I’m hungry.

Til next time……

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Diary Entry: Little Things…


Dear diary,

I’m home, both in literal and figurative sense of the word. I didn’t inform at home that I was coming. It was at a spur of the moment decision, which by the way payed off. As my little sister opened the gate to let me in, she saw me with a heavy hiking bag over my shoulders, arms open, eyes mischievous and smiling, “taadaa!!!” I couldn’t help myself, she leapt forward, flinging her arm over my shoulder and another around my waist, hugging me close for a minute or two, or perhaps more, but who is counting 😉  while jumping up and down in delight…….. totally worth it!!!

I had almost been beating my head off, thinking and thinking, obsessively, hurting myself in the process. I never knew or anticipated that I would need a break so soon from Lahore. I mean, I was home only last week and usually I kinda stay for at least one month before running back to my family, to recharge my spirit, but this time, I couldn’t even wait for a whole week. Odd, at least for me, given my history! And by my history I mean, when I went to Alhuda- to enjoy my first ever experience of a hostel and a life away from my family, I spent two months before coming back for the weekend there. I’ve always been tough and resilient that way. I don’t know what happened to me, but whatever happened, I don’t feel like worrying about it. On the contrary, I plan on enjoying this little window of respite to the full!

Oh, and I keep forgetting to post a story here that I wrote for my university magazine and it recently got published (Yup, Yaaaayyyy!!!), with some publication errors even though I read, re-read, re-re-read, re-re-re-read and even sent it to my friends for them to read and send constructive criticism, before sending it for publication. Uh, the irony! It still got published with some printing mistakes (hey! I sent them proof-read work.) But who cares?! (My heart is yelling, “of course I do, silly,” right now. Ugh!!!). Anyway, I’m happy that it has been published. It’s not exactly my first published work but I’m happy nevertheless. I’ll share it, asap, even though, I’m still a little possessive about it, for some very odd reason.

Anyway, writing again yesterday, reminded me of what I’ve been missing for so many months. I didn’t want to stop. That’s why I’m here! Plus I was happy and wanted to say something about it. A lesson I learned in my life, it’s not the big stuff, but always the little things that matter. People waiting for big stuff to happen to make them happy, keep waiting for a long long time, while the secret of happiness if actually right before their eyes, subtly hidden in the little, beautiful things….. I wish more people would start noticing.

Anyway, It’s almost 5 am. I must take my leave now.

Hoping to meet again, soon…..

Diary Entry: Reformation, I hope!


Dear diary,

Today I cut my own hair for the first time, which considering how much I love my hair, is a huge transition. And I kinda love the change I’ve been wanting for so long. But I just wish, like this little change, other things were easier to change too. Like my heart or its ability to love to the moon and back. Hah! Fat chance, I know 🙂 Anyway, I think my diaries have been linked so much to my emotions and feelings. Or rather the emotional turmoil. I am writing after such a long gap. I’ve thought about the reason of my prolonged absence. And arrived at the conclusion that during all these past months when I was inactive, I wanted to write, very often but perhaps I was going through a state of emotional stagnation. Well, my emotions were not exactly stagnant but I didn’t feel them touch their peaks or the depths for that matter. Thus the long silence. It seems that in order to write, my emotions have to be amplified, my patience has to run dry. Be it happiness or sadness.

Anyway, since my brother got married, which was on 24th of the last month, I’ve been on cloud nine. I have a new sister and I love having her around. The over all environment of our home has become happier. It’s been almost a week since I came back to Lahore and I’m already missing home. Things here are business as usual. Ups and downs. Sometimes things just get to me, like they did, last night. Words, carelessly spoken, not to harm or hurt but leaving their mark. Most of the time I ignore such stuff. Sometimes, I’m unable to. And then I curl into a ball under my quilt and cry myself to sleep. The day that follows, passes with me still hidden in my bed, eyes hurting. And the days following that, are some days spent ignoring people or giving curt replies until the gloom uplifts and hurt feelings get a proper funeral and are buried- yet again!

Well, nobody ever claimed that life is supposed to be easy. But hope is what keeps me going. Hope, that one day, the people I love would stop pushing me away.  Some day I would no longer have to contemplate untying the knots of my heart and leaving people who take me for granted. Don’t get me wrong here. I understand very well that nobody can stay with us for an eternity, at least not in this world. I don’t have any issue with death itself. What hurts is, seeing people you love, alive and well but drifting apart. I wish a life void of this fear.

Hey, a girl can wish and dream!

Anyway, I should part ways with you for tonight and my eyes still feel as if they have been filled with sand.

Until we meet again!!!