Diary Entry: Blunders


Dear Diary,

Never again would I ever be the moderator of another official program in my life.

*huff!!!*

I mean, seriously, the pressure, the blunders, the anxiety…….. That’s simply too much!

In case you are wondering what happened, well, I was asked to be the moderator for a workshop organized by the faculty of Social Sciences in our university today, because our “usual” moderator had to go out of station. The anxiety started building up yesterday evening when I thought about actually doing the deed.  But I spent the whole time recording a voice-over for a video that my little cousin was making for a competition in her college. I had the basic structure and the event schedule provided to me yesterday but my mind didn’t feel fresh enough to rehearse, by the time I finished recording. So I simply ignored the urge to practice (a decision that by the way I am glad to have made now.)

My day today, started with running towards the auditorium because I was 3 minutes late as the bus wasn’t on time. But turned out that i was 7-12 minutes early anyway. Anyway, the starting was a little jittery but I survived through most of the day by rushing to refill my water bottle again and again during the times when the speakers were lecturing and then announcing the next speaker. Half of the time was spent giving introductions and the other half of the time was spent calling out the designations and names of important people of the university, like the dean, the registrar, the acting vice chancellor. Not to mention the repeated changes in the sequence of events and my hurried scrolls on my diary to remember those changes.

But that wasn’t enough. The closing ceremony was yet an even bigger disaster, waiting to happen. As I came on stage to announce the names of the resource persons and the organizing committee members for the reception of their respective shields and certificates, a teacher and the dean kept bugging me with new names or information every second which confused me so much. I guess, some accidents are bound to happen. So there I was, publicly humiliating myself by mixing the names and designations of who should present the next shield to whom. And to top it off, I didn’t know the name of our acting vice chancellor or even the registrar (thanks to me being an antisocial moron who doesn’t give a damn to whatever is happening around her) and I might even get chastised for it later. But I’m glad, the nightmare is over!

Never again!!!

And the most disappointing part of today was that I couldn’t be attentive during the whole speaker’s session and it was related to Qualitative research- my research is a qualitative one as well. Oh, and my head of department didn’t come today so that was very discouraging as well. But I’ve told her that I hate her for not coming today, even though, we both know that’s not true!

And right now, I feel like- either drinking a big mug of tea or sleeping for years without being disturbed! *rolling my eyes* (Like that’s gonna happen -_- )

Mayn, I’m tired!

*yawns*

Advertisements

The Need, the Struggle, the Block!


A quote by D.W Winnicott is stuck in my mind right now. He stated, and I couldn’t agree more that “Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.” But when I try to analyze my own self through this criteria, I keep feeling that I have this need, deep inside to communicate. I didn’t use the word desire. I said “need.” Because, it sure feels like a need.

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with my teacher who said that I hide. I’m not very “talky, talky.” And to that I replied, I share but nobody listens. Is it not what happens all around us? Don’t you think that the need to say stuff and not being able to get it off your chest is one of the major reason that people sometimes snap?! Being a Clinical Psychology student, I have witnessed the struggle. Hell, I have struggled with this all my life and I still am struggling with the concept every day. At the end of the day, my mind keeps telling me, nobody cares and nobody listens so why bother?! And thus, a “Quiet-Me” comes into existence.

But if we stop for a minute, to listen to someone, who wishes to share something that may be very moot or pointless for us but very precious or important for the other person, then we might help in reducing the exponential increases in Psychological problems.

It takes courage for a person to reach out and voice their inner feelings. Believe me, I know the struggle! And sometimes, the person voicing those feelings doesn’t even need for you to give them a solution to their problem. They are merely in search of an attentive ear. Our Dean, today asked what could be done to reduce stress or anxiety or depression from our society. One very easy solution came into my mind. Talking less, Listening more! So why not Listen?!

And then comes the point where people don’t know how to differentiate between hearing and listening. We go out, there are multiple voices that our mind registers. Some of them we concentrate on and some of them we get so used to that we simply ignore or don’t think to be a big deal. That’s hearing. Listening on the other hand involves a little bit more effort from our brain. It requires attention and understanding or at least an attempt on understanding whatever is being said. That being said, Listen to people if they come to you for help. If you don’t, they might just block you out, never to try to be close with anyone again.

A little effort on our part can save a lot of lives!

 

Diary Entry: Instinct


Dear Diary,

I was okay, a couple of minutes ago but now I have a really bad feeling inside. All of a sudden. And I don’t even know why. It’s as if I have lost something very important or I’m about to. I want to cry on my loss but I don’t know if I have really lost something or not. Does this all make any sense? I have learned that I should trust my instinct, but what is it that it wants to tell me right now?!

 

The Monster in Shadows


Dumb name, I know! That’s why it’s a temporary one for the book I have started to write. I don’t know if I should call it a book or not. Yup, I’m still drowning in self doubt as always. But this is an internal fight. I keep doubting myself and yet I keep doing whatever stuff I doubt myself in.

Seems I’m not the only one who keeps doubting themselves. It seems to be a disease in my family. I’m not sure about my elder brother but my little brother and little sister keep doubting themselves. I know they can do the stuff they think they can’t do but they don’t know it.

My case is a little similar but a little different too. Deep down, I damn well know that there is nothing that I can’t do, that I put my mind to but doubting myself throughout the journey and self torment is kind of my thing. I hate it but I do it anyway.

I’ve been trying to think for an appropriate title for my novel but as of yet, I’ve failed miserably, hence this crappy name. I’ve updated the second chapter but it’s a short one since all my attempts at researching an area for the setting of my story have further confused me. I want my setting to be some part of England but I’ve never been outside of my own country so it’s hard to familiarize myself with the stuff of a foreign country through virtual aids only.

Another hindrance is that the story-line has been teasing, tormenting and keeping me awake at nights but I have not been able to think things through. I was just in a hurry to get things out of me as keeping them inside is a burden sometimes. The result- I’ve not thought about the details inside the plot. Which means that I will have to make up the details as I move along but move things in the direction that my plot wants me to take.

I’m not gonna back down though. I’ve started too many projects in the past and left them mid-way, but not this one. I’m going to force myself to complete this one. No matter how crappy the story goes. No matter how much of a failure it proves to be( or not).

Because, the monsters inside my head won’t rest until I have shot every single one of them.

 

Diary Entry:Memory Lane


Dear Diary,

March, 23, 2017: a day I never wish to forget. Well, the story starts from a couple of days before March 23rd. It started with a call from my aunt. She told me, finally uncle has been able to get his hands on passes for defense day parade for 2017 so I had to come to attend, as I was the one who had been pushing him to get them for past 3-4 years. Imagine my happiness! Yup, my heart jumped and leaped, well, as much as it could, within the confines of my rib cage. Anyway, I knew I just had to be there, somehow. And telling my family wasn’t an option. Mum and dad would never have permitted.

Some days later I got another call from my aunt, telling me that I have to be in Rawalpindi on March 20 because I got the invitation for the full dress rehearsal on March 21, instead of the actual parade on 23rd. The news put me off a little bit because I wanted to experience the real thing. But whatever! I’ll take whatever I get. My “agile” mind started planning. It decided to leave for Rawalpindi on 20th and to come back to Lahore on 22nd, as if nothing had happened.

The morning of 21st, I couldn’t contain myself. Went to the parade venue with my aunt’s sister in law and her kids as they had divided the 10 of us into two groups. One that would attend on 21st and the other on 23rd. I was among the ones down for 21st. I went there, and loved every little bit of the ceremony. But the most amazing thing was the air show by Pakistan Air force and Pakistan Army Aviation. It was simply mind blowing. The way the fighter planes soared high above our heads, the way they “twirled” and “teased”….. It was quite impressive! Impressed, I accepted for an “nth” time that I was still very much in love with the armed forces. And that love was increasing by the minute.

Afterwards, even on reaching home, I could hardly control my excitement. The downside of not being able to witness the actual thing on 23rd couldn’t even mar my excitement. I had to leave for Lahore the very next day. But me, being MAe, I couldn’t get myself to leave so soon. So I decided to stay for a bit-yet again. (Maybe I should stop pre-planning my departure dates from Islamabad-Rawalpindi, as I never, EVER leave the twin cities on the days I actually plan on leaving!)

On 22nd, my cousin decided that she didn’t want to go to the parade and I kept thinking, why did she have to be the one who got the pass to actual thing when I was the one dying to see it?!

But, then an idea hit my devious, devilish mind. Why not, go on her place for the day and be her for one day. After all, it won’t harm any one. So, I did. Initially, afraid that the organizers would refuse to let me in. But once I was inside, I thanked Allah!

So, I was finally there-a big YAAAYYY!!! Again ready to be impressed, and rightly so. The “Sherdils(Lion-hearts)”of Pakistan Air force didn’t disappoint me. The skies of Islamabad witnessed the “Cuban 8” maneuver, the “muscle climbs”, the “Barrel rolls,” the “Shaheen cuts,” the “High Aplha Pass” and “free falls” by different jets that filled the air with different colours. Before that day, I didn’t know these terms either. So it was a fun filled learning experience, alhamdulillah!

The sound of JF Thunder, piercing the skies and making our hearts race in unison as excitement coursed through our veins, it was a “high” I want to experience every single day! With each dangerous maneuver displayed by the crafts, the love of those courageous pilots increased ten folds in my heart. By the time things ended, my heart was beaming and my eyes smiling and I could not wipe off the silly grin that was plastered on my face. I want to treasure each and every second of that memory forever, and EVER! And those who haven’t had the chance to witness it first hand, try for the next time. You would not be disappointed. If it were up to me, I would never want it to end!

My friends have been a disappointment again but I should probably get used to them not making an effort to see me anymore, by now. I need to work on this- really hard! Anyway, I’m finally going home for a bit. I hope mum doesn’t hold a full-fledged inquisition. I hate it when I have something to hide and she unleashes her inquisitive assault, in full throttle!

Anyway, we are about to enter my home town, so I need to run!

Diary Entry: Super-Psyched!!!


Dear Diary,

I have started writing my first ever novel. I’m super excited. I asked my little brother for help and he gave me one of his pictures for the cover of my novel and I love it! I wasn’t sure what to name it so I just named it “The Monster in Shadows.” And instead of using my real name, I have chosen a pen name for the book. It’s EnKay Elle- Yeah, that’s kinda cooler than my actual name even though its made up of the initials of my name 😀

Anyway, I’m sharing the link to the first chapter of my novel here (Hey! I can’t help it!!!)

https://www.wattpad.com/story/103060703-the-monster-in-shadows

Do give it a read and you know, constructive criticism is always welcome!

Anyway, I should get going. I have to work on my proposal( Yup, I totally stayed up last night, writing the first chapter of my novel, instead of working on my Proposal, which is due tomorrow.)

*Shruggin’*

I really can’t help it! The story was bothering me inside my head. There is so much time I can hold my internal urges before they start controlling me. So, I gave in and poured some of the words out.

I should really, really, really go!

Until next time…..

Ciao

Diary Entry: In a Big Mess Again


Dear Diary,

I’m in a big mess again, not that anybody really cares!

I think I’m suffering from binge-season-watching disorder :/ And it’s stopping me from working on my research proposal. which is due very very soon. One more thing that has been bugging me is not being able to think a suitable title/ name for my novel. I have the story inside my head, waiting, ever so impatiently, to get out. But my lack of creativity when comes to titles, is giving me a hard time. Plus, I’ve decided, I want to snap a picture myself or take help from my little brother for the cover, as he’s an amazing- emerging photographer. So there’s that!

Oh, by the way, ever since I changed my laptop, whenever I write as, it gets written as an “ass.” I try to proofread the stuff I post but if some day by some mistake it remains unchanged, well, I warned you in advance 😀

I need a big push to write my research proposal. I’ve been delaying it for 10 days, watching different seasons and movies :/

By the way, Victorious is one awesome season. Seeing them, I want to write my own songs and compose music, even though I don’t know how to write a song or play a musical instrument. Yup, I’ve been crazy in the past slightly. The status has been changed to “completely, utterly” crazy.

I really need to work on that stupid proposal!!!

Arghhh, grrrrr!!!!

Somebody save meeeeeeeeee!!!!