Diary Entry: That Dark Place


Dear diary,

I have started sucking pretty badly in singing. I was ashamed to hear my own recording today when I tried. I cant blame the karaoke app. Or can I?!

Anyway, I’m dwelling in my dark place where I have a lot of stuff going on inside my head but too little going outside it. I lie in bed all day, wasting precious time and doing absolutely nothing. I need an escape from Lahore-it’s very essential these days. I don’t want to go home because of all the marriage talk mum tries to do with me every single time I go back. I mean, how hard is it to understand that I don’t want to get married to engineers employed somewhere in the middle east? Or that I don’t want to get married, period!

Sometimes, when I’m in a very perceptive mood, one thought crosses my mind. What if, my history of always falling for the wrong people is the reason of my aversion? Would I ever be able to move on with my life? Or would I keep looking towards those friends of mine who actually got married and their lives after marriage didn’t turn “Oh-so-well”? And then there’s one very stupidly disturbing thought-I don’t want to grow up!

I’m serious! I don’t. And in my mind, marriage brings responsibilities and it means that now you have to be a grown up and handle kids of your own. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and would love to have one or two of my own some day but for now, I wish to accomplish something in life. I want to be an independent female before I tie the knot.

Oh, and not to forget, I need to be able to like some person enough to be able to persuade my stupid mind to actually want to marry him. And believe me, I would raise all hell if I have to, just to get to know the person who gets to marry me-if he gets to marry me.

Anyway, marriage isn’t the real reason of my writing today. I’ve hit a writer’s block and I’ve stopped updating my novel. There are just too many scenarios bugging me, keeping me restless and pinching me but whenever I try to pen them down, or in this case, type, I hit a blockage. I don’t know how long it would last and why I keep thinking of dark stuff. I need to cool off. Need a distraction. Something to drag me back to my original track. Perhaps a trip to Islamabad….. (Yeah, I wish! But mum never permits :/ )

My desperation for a change of scenario has resulted in my withdrawal from people and frustration. I want to bite people’s heads off when they try to talk to me. I want to yell at them for no reason and I’m just hating them for not understanding. My palpitations are back but even after ma’am suggested me to go see a doctor, I told her I don’t want to. I have started acting out with the people I love and after doing that, I feel guilty. So this self-destruction mode isn’t helping me at ALL!

I’m hoping that writing about it now, would lessen the intensity of insanity I’m experiencing these day because I don’t know what else to do.

 

P.S: And no, I still don’t wanna go to the doctor :/

Stuck, Blocked, Scarred But Moving


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It’s one of those days when I can’t think of a decent title for the post I want to write. Well, that’s most of my days anyway. Choosing title isn’t my kinda thing really but things get annoying when I keep getting a cluster of random thoughts. Life is tiresome already, without a thousand random, unrelated thoughts bombarding my mind all the time. I’ve been meaning to write time and again, but didn’t get enough time to do so. And at other times, I was just too tired and sleep deprived to write or even think about writing. And then there are these frequently non-creative days when my writer’s block hits and keeps me asleep, creatively.
I’m writing tonight because I so much want to and because I had some little time to rest today. It’s taking some effort to make sense even to myself but I’m trying to pen down whatever comes into my mind. I won’t recheck it or reread it to pick out mistakes. Tonight is my night to be completely random and senseless and free.
I’ve been having these heart racing issues ever since I’ve stopped thinking about my fairy-tale. It’s not that I don’t want it, I do, even after being denied of it time and again, with all my heart-that might be one reason that my heart is giving out. Perhaps it’s tired of all the nonsense that I always put it through. Anyway, it would probably have looked cute if it was just a story and not a real life issue. An issue, which is so elusive that even the doctors are finding it hard to find the root cause and cure. I’m not dodging my doctors. Of course unrequited love is like jumping into dangerous waters, and I did, even though I knew, I couldn’t swim. But I’m not depressed, not anxious, not stressed not even down. If I knew one thing before falling in love, it was that I can control my thoughts. And so I did. No more wishful thinking, no more obsessions about creative twists that my life could have taken. In fact, no more missing my love interest. Not even a small thought, stealthily slipping into my mind- nil, nada! And studies aren’t tough. Or, maybe I should say, I’m not finding them tough ’cause, honestly, I don’t bother studying at all, still I’m scoring good. Of course, if I actually do study, I can easily ace my classes. Even without putting any efforts, I’m doing better than my 90% of class. CMH is going great too, alhamdulillah! It’s like suddenly I’m working, with all my heart even though I’m not. The routine is tiresome- hard hours, not as hard as doctors but still, harder than they ever were before. But I know one thing for sure, it can’t get any harder and it will take a LOT more than this hard routine and continuous sickness to put me down. And thanks to this routine, I can focus my mind more than I could ever before, on the task at hand. No time to think about the things that were so important to me two weeks ago.
I never went through any emotional breakdown either. I have never EVER found myself so calm before, in a situation where any other girl would probably be an invalid by now. Some day, I want people to look at me and say with wonder in their eyes and a smile playing on their lips, “You don’t give up, do you?!” And I want that to be the reality of my existence.
My cell is stoned and I don’t know how I’m not freaking out about it for past 4 days. I never thought I would be able to live without whatsapp or telegram or other kinds of social media. Turns out, I miss my pdf files on my cell more than the social media. Sometimes, even I amaze myself.
I have no idea why named my post “stuck, blocked, scarred but moving”. Beats me…..
Time to sleep….

Diary Entry:LGU Times


Dear Diary,
It’s mid term exam time and as usual I’m sitting blank. I don’t even know what my subject name is, so basically I’m screwed >_<  Anxiety level is a little bit higher but instead of preparing for my exam, I’m preparing for a presentation. I guess, I will start preparation an hour or so before I actually have to write, which is absurd and daring on my part. Perhaps a little too daring even for me, seeing that it’s a new place I’m in and this place is definitely not IIUI :/
Well, as usual I’m writing in here when clearly I need to be studying. I guess this writing is one big reason I don’t freak out when I’m about to be overwhelmed. Oh, and the best creative ideas seem to have some kind of grudge with me. They come when I can’t write them down either because of lack of enough time or resources. Plus, writer’s block sucks big time!
SIST 2016 is right around the corner and I’m not prepared for it even in the slightest. I guess, it’s because I’m not participating in the categories that I’m the best at- Tajweed and Nasheed. This time I’m doing something I have no idea how to do :p Journalism and Spoken word. And the theme this year is also a bit difficult for my “sleeping-for-an-eternity-brain.” I know, winning isn’t everything. It’s just the plus point of competing. But It scares the crap out of me to even thing about the theme this time.
“The Future Awaits: What’s Next?”
I mean, how in the world am I supposed to know the future???!!! And how am I supposed to write about it when I don’t know it?! And that too with a dumb mind :/ I can’t concentrate :/
Anyway, it’s a test I need to pass and it’s something I love. Plus, participation in SIST as a Youth Club team member, is an honour in itself and it’s way better than not participating or missing SIST altogether! Not winning is kinda okay but not okay. Well I guess I will have to get back to it AFTER my exams >.<
Anyway,I must go and try to study for a bit. I hope I do succeed this time :/
Until next time (which would be soon enough-lets say before Psychopathology exam >.< )
Chao!

Diary entry 111


Dear diary,
Its been too long since I wrote anything last.I have missed not writing but every time I wanted to write something, words failed me. Yeah,you guessed right. Writer’s block. I hate the feeling but have to live with it like all others do. Dear diary,I’ve been missing my little sister so  much since yesterday night. Its been hard on me. All I wanna do right now, is to take her in my arms and hug her tight. I dunno why but it’s so strong that I might even get ready to go home tomorrow morning. Well you know how impulsive I have been these past some months. Like just today, I had an extreme craving for chocolate cake. I could not hold myself back. So I went out,even though I hate to go out alone or after rain. But I went anyway. Brought a cake and ate with my roommates. Oh,my new roommate is from Kazakhstan. She’s a nice person. A person of little words like me and my old roommates. So I guess this is good. We wont bother each other much.
And I still miss my little sister even after writing about it. The feeling is still strong but I can’t just jump on a bus and go home right now. Well,that’s not entirely true.I can if I want to but I’m not allowed to do just that. So I guess I’ll have to wait for the morning.
Dear diary, Divergent movie is in theaters here in Pakistan but I have no friend present here to watch it with. Yeah,I was extremely excited about it. Last night I completed Allegiant. I guess Tris’ death is one reason of me being down. Yeah,It was extremely difficult to stop myself from crying, reading all the raw and broken feelings at the end of the book. I have to say, I wanted her to live and have a chance at a happy life with Tobias. Hell,he deserved to be happy. But the writer clearly didn’t want that. God! I hate tragic endings. No wonder I’m still down. It was a big disappointment. I had to remind every time my tears were close to spilling,that it’s just a story and then my inside shouted,yeah,a story that you fell in love with!
Oh,yeah,love hurts! It’s like a stab in chest only it isn’t a single stab. Its more like repeated stabbing to get all the life out of me sometimes. But I survive,every single time. You know,this isn’t fair!!!
Anyway, I still miss my family. Seems like this weekend is “missing my family weekend.”
I might as well go home in the morning and quench my thirst. I can’t decide :-/

Okay,this isn’t making me feel any better. So I should probably give it a rest.
See you soon, and hopefully,In  better mood.
Chao