Diary Entry: Ages Passed


Dear diary,
ages have passed since I last wrote in here. I can’t even remember when I did. Anyway, my first semester has long been over. I’m done with one of my mid term exams. Two left to go. My Placement viva for Adult psychopathology is finally over and I passed with flying colours. I’m still top most in my class. But you know me, I don’t really deserve that. I don’t work for it!
Anyway, I’ve made a new friend and I’m in love with one of my teachers. She’s a big motivating person in my life now a days, for which I’m very much thankful. She urges me to be better and do better. University life doesn’t suck as much either. I miss Islamabad, very much. The nature, the beauty that used to calm me down, its long gone. I miss that so much! I have developed a very bad habit ever since I came to Lahore. I start studying an hour or so before my exam. The rest of the time, I keep wasting.
Living in a room without a big window is frustrating. I often feel down. And those are the times when my teacher usually comes in handy. I enjoy talking to her. I’m super attached. She has grown attached too. But I miss when I’m unable to talk to her. And I do realize that she’s an extremely busy person. But I can’t help it!
Right now, I feel a little down because it’s been days since I’ve had a chance to talk to her properly. Oh no, not because I’m not free but because she isn’t. She’s going to be our new head of department. On one hand, I love the idea and on the other, I worry, she would be way more busy than usual and then I won’t have enough time to talk to her :/ Man! that sucks! And being super attached to someone sucks too!
I should probably go and try to hold myself together.
See you soon, if life permits!

Ciao

Advertisements

Diary Entry: Dreams


Dear diary,
Dreams SUCK!
I should know, I’m a sucker for dreams. The daydreams. Not the ones seen with closed eyes. And my dream institute sucks big time as well. Not exactly the institute, but some parts of it. Major portions!
For example, my university’s hostel and management. Garrison University held a such charm in my naive mind, before I was officially a part of it. Now I know, it was made for one purpose and one purpose alone; Business!
Yes, I’m ashamed to say, that they have turned such a sacred task of transfer of knowledge into merchandise. The more students advance through their grades, the more expensive the degrees become and with hectic routines in which one can’t even do a part time job to earn, sadly enough, we; those who wish to get higher education, are breaking our parents’ backbone by taking so much money.
As if that’s not enough, mess charges are increased, whenever the management wishes to do so, without prior notice or consent. For the sake of their advertisement, they have mentioned on their website that the hostel is fully furnished(yeah, I put my stuff in an invisible cupboard everyday, and sleep on an invisible bed. How charming! )
On one side, this place has helped me in my personal growth and on the other, its the reason of a constant disappointment, rage, depression, frustration and all other such
ugly emotions- you name it!
I’m tired of this city, I’m tired of this place. Islamabad was heaven compared to this hellhole here! I wanna go back, so badly!
Waiting for any such miracle!
I must go. I’m so exhausted :/
As for these relentless people- will see you guys in front of Allah! He will see to your injustice there and then.
May Allah help save us all from such hypocritical lot, that comprises my university management.

P.S: Dear Islamabad, I miss you so badly and I would try my level best to come back soon ❤

Diary Entry:LGU Times


Dear Diary,
It’s mid term exam time and as usual I’m sitting blank. I don’t even know what my subject name is, so basically I’m screwed >_<  Anxiety level is a little bit higher but instead of preparing for my exam, I’m preparing for a presentation. I guess, I will start preparation an hour or so before I actually have to write, which is absurd and daring on my part. Perhaps a little too daring even for me, seeing that it’s a new place I’m in and this place is definitely not IIUI :/
Well, as usual I’m writing in here when clearly I need to be studying. I guess this writing is one big reason I don’t freak out when I’m about to be overwhelmed. Oh, and the best creative ideas seem to have some kind of grudge with me. They come when I can’t write them down either because of lack of enough time or resources. Plus, writer’s block sucks big time!
SIST 2016 is right around the corner and I’m not prepared for it even in the slightest. I guess, it’s because I’m not participating in the categories that I’m the best at- Tajweed and Nasheed. This time I’m doing something I have no idea how to do :p Journalism and Spoken word. And the theme this year is also a bit difficult for my “sleeping-for-an-eternity-brain.” I know, winning isn’t everything. It’s just the plus point of competing. But It scares the crap out of me to even thing about the theme this time.
“The Future Awaits: What’s Next?”
I mean, how in the world am I supposed to know the future???!!! And how am I supposed to write about it when I don’t know it?! And that too with a dumb mind :/ I can’t concentrate :/
Anyway, it’s a test I need to pass and it’s something I love. Plus, participation in SIST as a Youth Club team member, is an honour in itself and it’s way better than not participating or missing SIST altogether! Not winning is kinda okay but not okay. Well I guess I will have to get back to it AFTER my exams >.<
Anyway,I must go and try to study for a bit. I hope I do succeed this time :/
Until next time (which would be soon enough-lets say before Psychopathology exam >.< )
Chao!

Diary Entry 133


Dear diary,
I’m back in hostel. Actually it’s been 2 days since I came back. I’m back to my old, boring, non-creative, lonely, indifferent self. It’s like I don’t exist anymore, just like before 🙂 I had forgotten how it felt.
Anyway, another SIST came to an end about 2 weeks ago. This time I tried something new- Spoken Word. I didn’t think I could surprise myself but I did! I stood 3rd(and the SIST people wrote 2nd on my certificate :p )and it was my first ever attempt at something remotely similar to public speaking…… I mean, I thought I couldn’t talk in front of people and here I am! The other two competitions were a familiar territory so I won even with a bad throat. Alhamdulillah!
This year, I couldn’t live with my dormant self so I got my lazy bum up and moving. I volunteered for Youth club and SIST 2015. My duty was in Kids zone, where I made the worst ever cards that I ever made in my whole life but my first experience with kids went great. One cute kid, asked me to come to F-9 park every Sunday because she liked me and wanted to meet me again and remember me. Wow…. I mean WOW!!! I didn’t expect that. I mean, I’m so used to being hated by the people that I was kinda shocked and flattered because she kept insisting.
My last semester has started. That’s actually shocking….. how fast time runs. My “Crime-Leader” ain’t talking to me. I’m trying to be indifferent but its kinda hard. I’m planning on staying all the weekends at my aunt’s place. Hostel life is horrible! I can’t think of any better adjective to use with it. I’m just not into it anymore. I wanna roam about the twin cities, like a free spirit, not like my current always anxious self. I mean I don’t have serious enemies to talk about so what’s my problem? Why do I have to be so alert even inside my own room? Why do I have to keep looking over my shoulder as if something weird or bad is about to happen?(I don’t do it literally but there is always a casual but unusual alertness present.) Mum is still afraid to send me to university after what happened to my roommate but I’m not afraid. May I should be but I’m not!
My EVO is still broken and going to I-10 to get it fixed seems like a trip to Hell and back and I’m too lazy to do it :/
We have a morning semester this time with Fridays off. so long weekends would be most welcomed!
I wrote a poem yesterday, while sitting in class waiting for my teacher to come. I’m planning on going to MH on Friday to get my Internship certificate(Yup, internship is over-thank Goodness!). I spent most of it getting to know Rawalpindi better and remember its map anyway :p
I must go now. Have classes in the morning and I can’t think of anything better to write in here so I better just go :/

Until we meet again!

Diary Entry 129


Dear diary,
I finished “Once Upon A Time In Wonderland” today. And I couldn’t help but feel happy and a little too much wishful inside. Its not the happy ending I’m worried about, its the ‘waiting’ part that gives me creeps. Okay,okay, I couldn’t keep my heart from swooning because Cyrus’ smile kinda lit up the whole room inside my heart. Reminds me of my childhood crush on on a Pakistani journalist. Peter Gadiot’s face resembles Ahmed Quraishi’s so much that I can’t seem to think about them separately any more. And that’s not even the whole thing. There is this one more person, whom I met, not so long ago, who has a face resembling those two. Boy,that drives me crazy! I had heard that I’n this world, 7 people get the same or similar face. I encountered 3 and I dunno if I can manage to see another one(Yup,I value my sanity,thank you very much!)
I sat to start studying…..
I rest my case 😉 Sometimes its hard to get things out of my head if I don’t write about them. So I thought maybe this is what I must do. And OH,the headache!!! It comes when it knows well that I have to study. Damn it!!!
I must go,have dinner,make a cuppa and then force myself to study.

So long….

P.S: I think I’m in love with Forensic Psychology! But I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to pass with flying colours in my exam tomorrow :/ Lets see 😉

Diary Entry 127


Dear diary,
it’s almost 10 pm but seems like it’s already past midnight or so. I miss Goldie but she’s in her other friend’s room. Life’s good. We had a party in our class today. There’s this teacher who, even after being informed of our plans just was so reluctant to give us some time for ourselves. I mean, her concern is kinda overwhelming. But I can’t say anything bad about her. I mean, she’s such a sweet teacher. She’s perhaps the only teacher in our whole department who still thinks something positive about our class, who defends us. And, I like it that she actually tries to tolerate us. I mean, not that we are some unruly little beasties but still. Other teachers don’t like us very much. So this is saying something I guess. (I just realized I am practically babbling by the times I used the words “I mean.” WOAH! )
Oh dear! Look at me, I’m all softie softie inside after watching a cute sentimental comedy :p yeah, even I don’t know what it is that I’m actually trying to say here. And of course I have Arijit Singh on again :/
No, I’m not breaking down, I’m okay. I really am. I just feel like dancing. And I don’t know how to dance. There’s this whole energy coursing through my veins that I wanna get rid of. And Chloe isn’t here! (*The real issue*)
Okay, I suck at letting people know my feelings and I totally hate myself for that. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that if they really love me, they won’t be bothered by me blabbing about anything I feel. I just CAN’T! You know, I’m what’s wrong with the whole wide world!!! I’m what’s wrong with this whole picture. I hide, I shun, I shut people out, I push them away. And what’s even worse is that I do it on purpose :/
I sometimes ask myself, why can’t I just be happy over silly things like everyone else does???!!! Why do things seem to have more effect on me than anyone else? I’m not a worrier, Goodness, I’m a WARRIOR!!! Why do I have difficulty getting hold of my emotions sometimes? Hell, no, I’m not worried about my past or future. It’s my present that irritates me. I wanna move and yet I lie under my sheets and watch movies, play word games, listen to one song a million times and more!
Oh yes, not to mention the yelling inside my little head. Now that I come to think of it, it’s not-so-little head. It’s got enough space to handle big crisis, for crying out loud. I yell, I snap at people, I feel like slapping them silly sometimes, I even murder them, a thousand times, in my head. I plan stuff, some very serious and dangerous stuff, I’m so calm while I take the war-front, HELL, I fight the battles of others for them and yet, what makes me insane, what drives me mad and what pushes the wilder part of me out is just a little bit of winter gloom. How’s that for a punch in the gut?! Aaarrghhh…..
Okay, okay, okay, I’m talking too much, then again, maybe not. For once in almost forever, I’m actually writing whatever is crossing my mind. I’m letting everything out. Because, even though I don’t want to say it out loud, I’m tired. I hate to admit it, but one part of me wants to quit and then there is this one other, much bigger part of me that has a frown on and wants to strike back, real hard!!!
And I guess, in the end this bigger part will win, like always, no questions asked.
Dear diary, I was so fixated on people in my life. But I’ve literally stopped caring, for some at least. It feels really great. It liberated me. And then again, I lose and find myself every day and life goes on……
Enough said for tonight I guess. Back to my boring routine slash the exciting world in my head 😉

P.S: I started writing this post around 10 but midway, Chloe came in. Didn’t wanna change anything that I initially wrote. So, here it goes 🙂

Gutentag

A little history,plus some mystery equals to Me


It seems like ages since I have written anything but diaries or poems. But tonight I wanted to pour my heart out in something other than a diary post. My inspiration was another blogger Rafia Asif with a blog “Master Passion Greed.” I just came to know she is from my beloved city Sialkot. My excitement just won’t die so I decided that I should write a post and mention her. Off course there is more to this post than mere acknowledging that she is from my city. I don’t think I know her personally but I do hope I do(or that I get to know her better). Still sharing the same city has brought a feeling of being closer to her. I don’t know if you feel the same girl but I’m truly happy.
Anyway, this knowledge has lit up something inside me. I don’t know what it is but it seems to be something amazing. I have been hiding myself for too long I guess. I want to share some very basic things about myself tonight. Don’t ask me why.
(Yeah,I do realize that I should’ve written all this stuff earlier and that too in my “About” page. But hey,better late than never,right?!)
I am Nayab Khan, from Sialkot, an army brat and a patriot. Currently residing in Islamabad, a Psychology major, undergrad student in International Islamic University,Islamabad.
I’ve been an avid reader since my early childhood years, a singer for more than 20 years of my life,which practically includes my whole school and college life.
Writing for me, started when I was in grade 9,when I wrote my first poem. It was a poem about Harry Potter(my obsession at that time)and I used both English and Urdu to write it. A pretty childish move on my part which I even forgot until an English class in grade 10,when the teacher praised a story I had written as an assignment given by my English teacher. She made every class fellow read my story(Yes,I’m proud of it!). Then came the years I spent in college. There again my English teacher became my biggest motivator. I still remember her words to me like it was just yesterday.
“Nayab,mark my words, wherever you go in life,whatever field you choose,you will excel in it so much because you have a creative mind. And creative people always excel.”
That was the turning point for me. The second person playing a major role in my motivation became an English presenter in our local radio “Radio Buraq,104 fm.” I usually call that period,”the prime time” in my life. That was the start of my feeble efforts at writing poetic verses. DJ Farhan and the feedback from listeners told me, I had it in me.
3rd person to support me was my class mate and a very good friend, who used to write herself too.
On November 9,2007 an Iqbal day Inter college competition organized by City Mag,a local fortnightly magazine,was the last push I needed. After winning the competition(I had to sing poetry of Iqbal) the I had a little chat with the Chief editor of City Mag,telling him how much I loved the magazine(I was a regular reader mainly because of short stories and interviews of DJs of fm 104-my obsession at that time). He asked me “Why don’t you start writing too?We’ll be happy to print.”
And that’s how my life as a writer began. I have the honour of being the youngest writer for City Mag at that time who became popular among the readers very soon because of my short stories. But it didn’t last long. I had to leave for Islamabad.
Islamabad meant the start of another phase for me. Yeah,I’m a graduate from Al-huda International Institute of Islamic Studies for Women,Islamabad. Without any doubt, the one and a half years I spent there have been the best years of my life,til date. There I learnt how to put my voice to a better use. I learnt to do recitation along with many more things. My biggest achievement there was memorizing 3oth juz of Qur’an. I know it’s not much,but I still am proud of it.
And end of my time in Al-Huda meant start of my life in university. Here, I was a completely different person. I have always been a peace-loving,crowd avoiding book loving person who hated limelight from the very start(in short,an introvert). But coming to university kinda increased the intensity of those behaviours. I have grown extremely selective in making friends(I was like that in the past too but not extreme case). I talk less, keep more to myself which means I have stopped participating in any extracurricular activities,spending more time in classes than I used to,in my school years. I practically become to most dormant person,perhaps,in my whole university except for one activity. I do participate in SIST every year. In my university years, my participation in Shifa Inter Scholastic tournament every year has been about the only activity that gives me satisfaction and reminds me of good old days of the past when I used to be on stage most of the time. Believe me, there’s no bigger satisfaction than participating in recitation competitions and winning 1st prize every time. It seems like that was the whole purpose of my creation.
Oh,and the biggest force behind me going on stage has always been my beloved mother who kept pushing me to participate and actually live my life to the full. Mama, thank you for that. And I have grown lazy in past some years(mum still forces me to participate in competitions in university.So yeah,I’m guilty of hiding any such events from her 😀 )
Now before I go, some words for my granddad, who was the writer in my family(Bashir Ahmed Lodhi,who wrote “Tauheed aur hum“and “Shukar,taubah aur hum“,published by Darussalam publishers). I always perceive that I got my prose-writing genes from him and my poetry-writing genes from mum,along with a good voice.
That’s all my life was before today. Who knows what tomorrow brings(A thought just crossed my mind. Since,my grandpa wrote his books in Urdu,maybe I should be the one to translate them into English.Just a fleeting thought. But maybe instead of forgetting it,I will work to actually do it.Who knows 🙂 )

Here’s the link to Rafia’s blog if anyone is interested.