My Creepy Stalker


Experience has taught me to always, ALWAYS trust my instinct. To never ignore the alarm inside when it goes off.

My past has come to confront me, to try, to sting me. But I’m way tougher than I was. I made a decision and I stand by it til date!

Self-preservation is every human being’s first and foremost thought and priority and that is what I did too, a long time ago.  And I will be very honest and forthcoming today because I don’t care what others think of me at this point.

It’s not like me to post private chats on public forums, but today, I will make an exception. This stupidity has gone far enough, this matter has been left untouched for too long.
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Okay, here’s the story.

My version.

Without nasty curses or foul language, which Allah knows how much I want to use and how easy it is, but I’m not going to stoop down to his level, no matter what!
Some years ago- I don’t remember if it was 3 or 4 years, ’cause, honestly, he isn’t important and the matter wasn’t either- there was this guy in my friend-list, who claimed he was in love with me, without seeing me and without knowing what I looked like. I told him I didn’t reciprocate and didn’t want to even in the future. Simply because I wasn’t interested. But some people make it a point to be annoyingly argumentative. He did that too. I kept saying no, in a polite manner and he kept coming stronger than ever. That annoyed me to my limit. So I discussed my predicament with an old friend. He replied; “I’m a guy and I know how love works for us. We don’t fall for mystery or brains, we fall for beauty. He hasn’t seen you so there is no chance that what he claims is true. There is only one simple solution. Block him and get over with it.”
And I blocked him, thinking, it would be the end of the story. But no! Life had something else in store for me. Here, I have to mention that guy asked me to unfriend and block him, if my answer was no and if it was final. If I do, he will get the answer. But when I do block him, I start getting messages from his friends and from his brother’s id. I blocked them too but that wasn’t enough for him! He, next, comes to my blog to comment here. I didn’t approve so he started writing a blog himself, which I never bothered to read-frankly. I didn’t want anything to do with him, but my mistake was, I didn’t say those words on his face. I wasn’t a bitch about it. Til date, that seems to be my biggest mistake that I tried to turn him down politely.

Anyway, I have no idea if he kept stalking me or not, after that. But some months ago, he came back, from a fake id, posing as a girl. While its a bit flattering that he would keep a grudge all these years, in actuality, its much more pathetic that he didn’t have anything better to do than that.

Honestly, how many polite ways do you think, are there to tell someone that you want nothing to do with them?!
Anyway, I tell that “girl” one day, subtly, that I don’t trust her and that my instinct says that she’s from my past, somehow. She denies- obviously. But my instinct proved to be right, because she was a “HE” from my past. That same creepy stalker who kept burning in his fire of vengeance for so long. Oh and he had the audacity to call me a monster and a bitch and then tell me it was “below his dignity to reply to me,” as if I was dying to hear from him….
*rolling my eyes*
And then he went on to tell me to “go, screw myself.”
A big LOL!!! I mean, seriously, if this kind of trash talking is how “Literate people”, and “people with dignity,” talk, I’m glad that I’m an “illiterate, inconsiderate, Bitch without a conscience!” and I’m actually proud of being myself! Because that seems to be more respectable than stooping “down,” or should I say “UP,” to your level!

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Oh, and as for your hatred for me, I wouldn’t be caught giving a damn about it. You aren’t important for me. Never were! You called me a Bitch, well, you haven’t seen me being one yet, so don’t push your luck. There’s only so far that my patience runs 🙂

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Before I go, I would say the only thing I want to convey.

“Get a life you Creep!”

Oh, and here’s a clue:“stay the hell out of my life from now on. You aren’t welcome here.”

Diary Entry:Temper Tantrums


Dear diary,
I’m going back to the person I was six years ago. As much as I loved her, I don’t want her to take hold of me again. She was great and all but she was an extremely angry minor who used to run towards danger instead of running away from it. I think I’m losing the little control I gained with quite difficulty. ‘Cause that daredevil threatens to come out every single time a situation is a little annoying. It’s been messing with my head and my whole body. Every single time an anger fit strikes, I find my face go hot, heart ringing into my ears, heat radiating from me. I’m a hand grenade with its pin out. My head drums and blood pressure probably rises. It’s hurting me to be me…… I don’t know how long would I be able to not react in anger and damage the things I value in life. I don’t know how long it would take me to snap. I don’t want to snap!
I guess It’s the food here, or the water perhaps. Or I’m just being paranoid. I don’t know. I just had an almost fight with a friend and there is so much I wanted to say but if I hadn’t shut up, when I did, I’d probably be writing about how I lost a good friend today. I think he lost a major part of me today……
How do you know when to stop taking crap from people? how do you know when to stand up for yourself? You’d think I would know the answer, but honestly, I don’t! Yes, I have fought many times but I have never fought for myself before…… And apparently nobody would ever fight for me, except for me! It just making me think, either I’m not worthy enough that someone would fight for me, or nobody ever is! Whatever is the case, I’m not going to change the better part of me, no matter what crap people give me. If this lot, surrounding me, isn’t worth it, doesn’t mean no one in this whole world is worth it. I’m sure I will find someone who really deserves it, some day.
But I’m done taking crap from people- friends or no friends- I’m done!!!
The next time it happens, people would see that the girl behind all that care and smiles has a fierce side to her that no one can stand.
*sigh*
I don’t wanna do it, but I think I will have to….. It’s just not fair on me if I keep refusing to fight for my own self while I fearlessly go marching out to aid others in their fights.
I should probably go now. I’m cold again after so much heat. I need to cover myself up.

Sayonara!

Protected: Diary Entry: Matters of the Heart…..


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Diary Entry 133


Dear diary,
nobody told me life would be easier. In fact they keep telling me about its difficulties, challenges, sorrows and hurts. Oh and being a girl is a challenge in itself. The unruly emotions and always a couple of degrees higher than normal creatures. Why do I feel the way I do? It’s my roommie’s B’day today. The one who died back in January. Her folks keep trying to contact me. The past keeps haunting me and the fact that I’m short of one sincere person in my life when that’s exactly what I need around me. There is so much hurt here,inside, that cannot be fixed with words i write or false utters of “everything will be okay!”
Nothing will be the same again, as if I don’t know that!
My little sister is sick. She’s been hospitalized and I’m unable to go home to tend to her or to relieve my mother’s distress. As if I was short of things to worry about! Migraine is back, the low moods, the temper tantrums, hating everyone around, the crying spells, the hours I spend, totally mute!
As if that’s not enough!
My aunt’s rabbit died today and I saw her in tears. That was the moment when I could put a stop to my own tears and get my action mode on. I buried the poor thing with my own hands! I can still feel the softness of its fur, rapidly losing its warmth. the blood oozing from its nose, its stoned grey eyes. And yet people think I can’t be on the front-lines! What they don’t realize is that my worries, my distress, my hurt vanishes when someone else is hurting. I forget my problems and focus on helping others get over theirs. This is who I am! A disaster through and through, sure! But this is something I would never want to change even in a million years!
Anyway, I do realize that my hurt hurts my aunt as well. Oh, she tries so hard to understand me. But she doesn’t know how much I hide inside, just like she does….. Guess, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I should probably go and give her company. Shes hurting and I wont be here with her tomorrow.
University can go screw itself, I’m going home tomorrow in sha Allah!
Allah, save the Queen!
More later, if life permits!

Sayonara!

P.S: The kids are back home. Another round of crying has started :/ I should be off!

Diary entry 104


Dear diary,
my inspiration for “bad deeds” is back. Yeah,you guessed right. My bestie is back. Ah, I’ve waited so long for you Goldie, oh,but you know that, don’t you?! Stayed up with her whole night, again!
I wrote my first post for Youth Club blog today and submitted it for review. Yeah, choosing the topic was again the most difficult thing I did today. I don’t know if the post I wrote is worthy enough to be published there but I’m still happy that I did finally try to at least come up with something. I wish the editor would give me feedback so if there are some points to be improved(which there would be,surely), I can work on them.
Its been a week since I my university started and our mess is still closed. The rumor is that it might open on February 25.(Guess what,my doofus mind just forgot how to spell February.Great,just great!!! :-/ Thanks for helping,Google!  )So now,either we have to order food everyday,take it from cafe,cook it ourselves or better yet,STARVE TO DEATH!!!
Seriously uni people,stop all this stunt now,will you?! I know how to cook.You don’t need to force me into it because I don’t like it,at ALL. Be my university management,don’t try to act like my “surrogate mother!!!”
Ughhhh. . . . .
*Sigh*
Anyway,I should probably go before I have one of my famous temper tantrums right here,right now.

Hastalavista!

Diary entry 103


Dear diary,
my hormones make me edgy these days,more often than not. People think I act weird. But I think I’m finally learning to be a female. The darker side, the unruly emotional side. Nope,it’s not cute,it’s not charming. Its irritates me to the bones. Like I said,I’m edgy most of the time. I say things,not meaning to,and hurt people I love,people close to my heart. I would deny it. It’s not me doing all this,no,it’s not. But what use is my denial when I know the truth is that it’s all me.
The truth is,at times,I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t recognize this girl with a sharp tongue,wounding hearts of countless with little effort. I mean,I have always been good at fighting. And the blood running through my veins sure has a legacy. Being a warrior is what I have known all my life. But the truth is,I hurt inside. Somewhere deep down. The warrior sometimes stops to take a breath,to renew its strength. And that moment of rest,it half kills me. The temper tantrums are exhausting. But do you know whats more exhausting?! Not letting the lava out. Keeping it inside. Fearing,it would burn the ones I love,when they are the reason that lava exists in the 1st place. I keep letting myself burn and let my fear of losing my loved ones eat me away.
I know I need to stop. I know I need to let things out. But I guess a warrior doesn’t only has to sacrifice his life.1st come the sacrifice of feelings.
Nope,I’m not gonna say I’m good at it. I whine here all the time. But this is the thing about sacrifice of a warrior,like waiting,it never ends. You spend your whole life learning to let go of things,to sacrifice your feelings. Every time you come to think you have mastered the skill. But the truth is,every time the hurt is even greater than the last time. The gash,the wound is deeper than ever before.
And then there are times when you can’t justify or explain your actions. Like just now,I cant explain why am I writing all this stuff.I want to,but I have no idea why. All I feel is,like there is a big hole inside,getting bigger and darker with every passing second.
But one thing I know for sure,my moment of distress will pass soon enough.I’ll be okay.I mean,I always am,in the end.So why whine. . . .
I better get some sleep now.Its late
Gutentag