Sometimes Even The Supergirl Needs Saving


Life has a certain taint of irony to it. It is so fairly unfair. It builds you up to break you down. It makes you euphoric only to send you spiraling down to depression. It’s easy to be alive and yet hard to live. Doors close on your face, and open behind you. It squeezes the life out of you, when you are not looking and fills you with the energy when you need it the least. Life is peculiar. And maybe that’s the only reason that it is so interesting to live.
Everyone knows her to be strong. Her friends call her supergirl. She calls herself, stubborn. When she’s stuck at a place, nothing moves her. People come, people argue, people bang their heads, they see a stone and people go. She doesn’t budge when things she’s passionate about are at stake. She’s that difficult but extremely easy as well.
She stands like a dude, in social gatherings she’s almost mute. She hates people and yet loves to save them. She’s a sucker for misery and pain. Can’t stand either of those. Emotions rule her and so does a level head. She doesn’t love, she melts. In anger she’s a grenade with its pin out. She’s the kind of person who would die for the ones she loves. And here’s where the life brings a twist.
A girl, who runs to save the world- the world of her beloveds, when she needs saving, people put their foot on her cape. Sometimes, bigger hurts are easier to endure, with patience. and at other times, little things may make her cry her eyes out.
She’s patient, she will give you space. She gives so many chances before you can actually break her. She won’t ask you to fight beside her- NEVER! But, is it asking too much if she sometimes wishes you to stand close and do nothing? Just watch her while she saves the world?
Where does the supergirl or a superwoman go, when she’s hurt? Who tends to her wounds? Who tells her, that everything would be okay, that life is difficult but she’s not a quitter?
You know what the problem here is?!
If a girl is strong, people start expecting her to be invincible. They think that a strong woman won’t break. But even the supergirl gets hurt with Kryptonite, that does serious damage. She’s strong but she’s not immune to emotions. Sometimes, even the supergirl needs saving…….

And because I love you….


I’ll probably never see someone else the way I see you.
Oh,it breaks my heart over and over again,
That love brought some joy and a lot of pain.
I’d probably marry a successful,established man.
But,at night when I cry,
Those tears would be for you.
I would wake up,every morning,
Expecting to see your beauteous face.
And wish,that I hadn’t done so
And died in my sleep.
How could you claim you were the only one
Who felt all the love seep out?
How could something so good
Leave us so broken,so much in doubt?
I know I should make peace with what life left me
For there’s nothing but lies and deception you are capable to see

For the last time


imagesShe kept looking on his retreating back for as long as the dark, empty night would let her. Her once deep,lively eyes were shallow and empty, like death itself. They seemed to be looking at far away places.
Even after his lean body was out of sight, she kept staring into nothingness for a long time. Seconds, minutes, hours. . . . . she didn’t know how long she had been standing there, frozen. She felt like she had been robbed off something very important. But what was it? What could it be? That’s something she was having difficulty figuring out. Her mind refused to think or provide any answers. She felt numb, life-less, cold. . . . . stone-cold.
It was starting to rain. A little drop here and a drop there. A drop on her pale, blood-drained face. Snapping back to reality, she put her one bare foot in front of the other. On touching the soft carpet of thick grass under her feet, she felt so weak, so helpless, so little. Her footing was so unsure and yet she knew she had to keep moving for as long as her legs would carry her. Right foot, left then right and left. She didn’t go far. Couldn’t go far. Every single step she took, seemed more difficult than the one before.
She stumbled, her legs too weak to carry her any further. No, she wasn’t someone with a heavy frame. She was small yet strong, built for brave stuff. Running, a lot of running perhaps. And her brain…..her brain, clearly it was meant for a far greater purposes than she realized.
she stumbled again. This time, her knees meeting the ground. Resigned, she didn’t try to get up. A tear escaped her eyes and another…..a scream building inside her.
The rain, getting strong by the minute drenching her to the bones. Her tears,an unending stream. Numbness,leaving her body as awareness took its place. Soaked completely,crying hard, she put her now throbbing head down on the soft blades of grass,wishing for death to come and take a hold of her at that particular moment. But she knew, it wasn’t her time to die. She had to fulfill her true purpose of life yet, whatever that purpose was. So she let her tears flow openly. Crying, for the last time, without shame, for every single person who left her in the past and the present,everyone who never tried to stick with her for long enough to know her well. Everyone who took a part of her with them as they went. As tears left her eyes, she felt as if every part of herself she ever lost, it was coming back to her. So slowly and gradually she became whole again. One by one, she kept burning her memories. Tears kept flowing until she felt complete again, void of any hurt. Empty,yet whole again. Her eyes felt puffy and ached, her whole body cold and wet. It was time to be brave and go home. So she stood up, this time without any difficulty, without any shackles of her past creating any difficulty for her. Slowly she walked back to her door,got inside her home, that reeked of solitude, but felt like some place she actually belonged. Closing the door behind her, she closed the door of misery, extricating herself from her self-made problems. She knew, it was the start of something new and she was ready, ready to face whatever was to come next………

Abused. . . . .


Behind those fake smiles,
There’s a heart that cries
Filled with sorrow and pains
Of an assaulted body and soul
And I can see you standing
Right there,in front of me
Laughing above my broken body
Again today,I got punished
For a crime I didn’t commit
In fact I fail to fathom this
Why do I let you torture?
Silently getting whipped
What did I ever do to you?
I’m harmless and unequipped
A weak body,your submissive
And yet,you hold that lash
Bleed me,until you’re tired
Then at night,you come close
I’m afraid,what you might do
But you are a changed man
Hugging me close and warm
You comfort me so much
As if nothing has happened
A happy tear escapes my eyes
I’m afraid to let go just yet
Afraid,morning would unleash
The beast inside of you
I don’t have to wait long
It’s again me,under your lash
Beaten,crying,tormented
The vicious cycle just never ends
Tears of pain and anguish
Escaping eyes of a broken,violated me

Diary entry 102


Dear diary,
I have been very bad in past two years. I’m not the same person as I was in my 1st semester in uni. But My class fellows and friends still think me to be that good girl I used to be. Yes, they think me to be something I’m not. What made me realize this,are you wondering? (off course you can’t wonder.You are a diary! But lets just say you are :p )
Well,I didn’t tell you, both my competitions went well alhamdulillah!
In Tajweed competition,I did I mistake and to cover it,I had to recite the ayah again which meant I exceeded 13 seconds from the time allowed (4 mins). And when I came back I was a bit dejected. Last year I was the one and only winner. This year I was an embarrassment for myself!
Anyway,the day ended well. Went to Ayubia with my family and my aunt’s family. Tried to practice my nasheed on our way. Because the 1st competition, I wasn’t sure I could win, so I had to do something in the 2nd one.
The day of competition came and again I did a mistake while singing the nasheed I had chosen. I covered it well but something inside me said “Good going Girl!Lets go home, sit in a dark room and celebrate your defeat.”
But a teammate asked me to stop till the end of the whole Islamic Conference. I did. And I dunno if it was my luck or if it was fate that stopped me there that day. A big thanks to that teammate of mine. Staying there I got to witness some of the most beautiful happenings.
A brother in Islam(Br John Fontain) came from UK to give a speech,”A heart that changed its beat!”
I witnessed,him giving Maghreb Adhan,with hundreds of other people watching and some recording that precious moment. At that moment all I could think was, How lucky this man is.So many people have witnessed him,proclaiming that Allah is one and supreme.We’ll all be his witnesses on the day of Judgement.
And then I looked inward.What do I have to take with me? I was a chosen one too.And what did I do?Where did my knowledge go?What did I do with my life?
Yes,I was in tears at that very moment. Deciding that somewhere along the way,I had stopped being good,but it was about time that I went back to being a good Muslim.

And then the time for closing ceremony and prize distribution came. In that moment I wished so much to have gone earlier when I had the chance to go with my parents back to my hostel. My heart started pounding hard in my chest. As the moderator started announcing the winners in each category of competition,my team mates started going down to the stage to get their certificates.I kept congratulating them on their positions,and praying on the same time that,my performance wasn’t good enough but my little sister’s was great.So let her win,let her win,let her win. . . . . .
And then Positions for Brothers’ Tajweed.First good news that made me hopeful,unlike last year,this year there were 3 positions. At least one was my little sister’s. . . . . .
Well,Sisters’ Tajweed positions. 3rd position goes to,dunno what her name or team name was. . . . .2nd position goes to. . . .again I’m blank and my heart just drowned. . . . .
1st position goes to. . . . .Team Youth Club. . . .(wait,Whaaaa???!!!)Okay,I’m not gonna mention my name here.But it was me. Yup my mouth fell open and Alhamdulillah was the only word I could utter.A quick run to get my certificate.
Then there were brothers’ nasheed winners and sisters’ nasheed winners.
Yup,I had to make another trip down there as my it was my little sister who had won the 3rd position in nasheed.And yet another trip to get my 1st position certificate in nasheed.Again with an open mouth.
Nope I wasn’t expecting it at all(This is an understatement.You have no idea.I’m still surprised as I write in here.But lemme assure you,the certificates are quite real!)
I came back to my team’s allotted seats and the yet bigger moment arrived.
Who’s going to win the tournament overall?
We were expecting a 2nd or 3rd position there.My teammates I mean.But it was a day for miracles,so I asked Allah for one more. Yup,we all jumped out of our seats(including our Youth Club manager Raja Zia Ul Haq )when our team stood 1st in 2nd tournament in a row,alhamdulillah!
We took home SIST 2013 trophy and this time we claimed SIST 2014 trophy too.
Hah,back to where I started.This is what made me realize. . . . .
My lousy performance in both my competitions and yet Allah saves my ass twice.My bad behaviour for past 2 years and still Allah wants me to be the one on top of things that I can do.
O Allah,this is a sign enough.I’ll try to be the best I can be.But I’ll always be needing your help Oh Allah!
Take the best work of deen from me,please.
Aameen!
More later if life permits,In Sha Allah!

And My Grief Became You!


index
A lost dream,before being realized
I felt helpless and my heart cried
An upset mind and a grieved spirit
What a twisted, miserable life!
You knew I wasn’t here to harm
I just wanted to help you heal
But now I know you’re a broken mirror
And I’m torn into pieces,left to bleed
Your shards,cutting deep into my heart
I saw you dying and embraced you tight
Heart-rending sight,unfortunate night
My muffled cries and agonized tears
As I lost you, my beloved baby. . . .
Torn from my arms and buried deep
Thoughts of you wont let me sleep
I ask myself, day in and day out
Who were you?What was all this about?
What I hear now,is silence of a tormented soul
All this fear and sorrow, eating me up,whole
As I lie on my bed,confused
Still thinking of you. . . . . . . .
images

Diary entry 98


Dear diary,

I’ve been a little out of sorts lately. Haven’t been able to sleep properly. Health is better but my mind is so messed up. And the sleep deprivation. . . . . My eyes hurt. And I have a deep urge to cry. I don’t know how much my mind is responsible for this feeling beside the hurting eyes. There are days in every person’s life when they want to let go and cry hard. Days when they want to be taken care of, for a change. Days when even the bravest and strongest of the people want to be treated like a fragile being………
Its my day today. Its my moment of weakness I guess. I want a break from being strong for myself and for others, just a little break. . . . a tear or two, to escape my eyes. . . . because those who cry are not weak. Those who dare to cry, they are strong enough to let go. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness. They are a person’s strength, a way of saying, “I’ve had too much. I have tolerated enough. Its time to say goodbye to the past and to future; aye, aye!”

Well, I’m doing the same right now. Preparing myself for whatever life has in store for me. I’m strong again. I have shed my worries, my doubts and my fears with these tears, that dry on my face right now. I’ve learned that the more you feel self-pity, the more miserable you become. That’s not an option for me. It never was.
So once again, this soldier is ready to take on all the battles that come her way. Once again, out in the open, fighter mode on 🙂
P.S: Another post coming on next(in a bit 🙂 Yup, mind and creative spirit is in over drive these days or something.)

My Life Without You


What’s my life without you,my love?
I wonder as I lie here,gazing stars
Nothing catches my interest anymore
Days are void of happiness,
Nights;vacant,lonely and I’m a mess
As I sail upon these uneven waters
I wonder when our sufferings will end
Open barriers,flowing,swollen eyes
I want to be the man I am,I try
To let my folks know the truth about us
But as I look upon their faces
My resolve dissolves and I despair
The stars,the nature,the seas,the shore;
Except you,my heart knows no cure
And peace,it just wont come to me
Until you’re beside me,serene,secure
What crime did I commit,but to love you
Why wont this world just let us be?
I’ve made up my mind,I’ll make you mine
Don’t worry,the help would be divine
Just hold on,be brave,a little more wait
I’ll come for you,soon,I promise……
I’ll do the right thing,for us both.
I’ll be the strength to carry you;
The love you deserve,support you need
For what’s my life without you,my love…..?

Diary entry 82


Dear diary,
Another sleepless night it is. Where I’ve tried my best to doze off but failed miserably. It started out as a conclusion to a lovely day but with the darkness of sky came the darkness back inside me. I cried to my full tonight and my eyes hurt now,badly so. But I needed closure,I needed to move on from a past held very dear to me. A past I cherished and a past that turned from lovely,to hurting. I needed to get over it,needed to open up and let go. . . .to bleed the memories out,till my mind was overcome with numbness.
When we let something hurt us,who is to decide for how long should the torture go on? How much damage is okay before we finally move on? Why do we wear our hearts on our sleeves,open and defenseless,for people to deal with,however they please?
For me,I was responsible for my own demise. This one lesson I never seem to learn. It was perhaps a moment of weakness when I let someone closer to my heart,close enough to be able to hurt. But I don’t understand. Where did I go wrong? It was supposed to be my strength but seems like it did me little good. Anyway, I’m feeling much better. Lighter actually. Because how long can you keep your baggage with you? There comes a time when you finally have to drop it because it was slowing you down. Tonight was ‘the night’ for me.
Another chance at a fresh start it is!
Uh-oh,my eyes are protesting now. So catch ya later. . .
Adieus