The Need, the Struggle, the Block!

A quote by D.W Winnicott is stuck in my mind right now. He stated, and I couldn’t agree more that “Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.” But when I try to analyze my own self through this criteria, I keep feeling that I have this need, deep inside to communicate. I didn’t use the word desire. I said “need.” Because, it sure feels like a need.

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with my teacher who said that I hide. I’m not very “talky, talky.” And to that I replied, I share but nobody listens. Is it not what happens all around us? Don’t you think that the need to say stuff and not being able to get it off your chest is one of the major reason that people sometimes snap?! Being a Clinical Psychology student, I have witnessed the struggle. Hell, I have struggled with this all my life and I still am struggling with the concept every day. At the end of the day, my mind keeps telling me, nobody cares and nobody listens so why bother?! And thus, a “Quiet-Me” comes into existence.

But if we stop for a minute, to listen to someone, who wishes to share something that may be very moot or pointless for us but very precious or important for the other person, then we might help in reducing the exponential increases in Psychological problems.

It takes courage for a person to reach out and voice their inner feelings. Believe me, I know the struggle! And sometimes, the person voicing those feelings doesn’t even need for you to give them a solution to their problem. They are merely in search of an attentive ear. Our Dean, today asked what could be done to reduce stress or anxiety or depression from our society. One very easy solution came into my mind. Talking less, Listening more! So why not Listen?!

And then comes the point where people don’t know how to differentiate between hearing and listening. We go out, there are multiple voices that our mind registers. Some of them we concentrate on and some of them we get so used to that we simply ignore or don’t think to be a big deal. That’s hearing. Listening on the other hand involves a little bit more effort from our brain. It requires attention and understanding or at least an attempt on understanding whatever is being said. That being said, Listen to people if they come to you for help. If you don’t, they might just block you out, never to try to be close with anyone again.

A little effort on our part can save a lot of lives!


Diary Entry: Oh the Downs!

Dear diary,

By now, I know, I should be able to pull through bad mood swings but I haven’t.I have an exam on the coming Saturday, my final research methodology exam, for which I’m not prepared even in the least- AGAIN! I’m still home but mum has been really accommodating where studies are concerned. She is letting me sit and try to study, which previously I thought was kinda impossible at home. I actually did get some stuff done and out of the way. But there is a constant gloomy cloud over my head since last night. Mum has inquired more than twice today, if something is wrong with me, if I’m hiding something….. Of course something is wrong with me and of course I’m hiding something, but my dear mum, you don’t need to know that, because I know that if you know, you’ll worry yourself sick. Plus, its my personal weakness and my own private battle to fight. Its January- the month in which my roommate died, two years back. For past 2 years, it has been bringing me low moods, anxiety and bad health. Once it passes, I recover on my own. I know her death has affected me more severely than I would like to admit but its a fact. I don’t know how long it would take me to get rid of this type of reactions from my physical being. or if I ever would…..

I think, for me to heal properly, I need closure. I need to stop running. But I don’t know how to do it.

Sometimes, I wish, there was someone, with whom I could share, getting past my inhibitions. But every single time I have tried opening up, people tend to run in the opposite direction. I don’t know if it’s the intensity of the emotions or just their plain lack of interest that drives them away. And then it forces me to pull back and hide myself in layers upon layers of superficial “I’m perfectly spiffingly amazing aura,” and deal with my share of pain, all alone, inside, with oblivious people around me. Sometimes I wish, for people to try, at least for a little bit, to understand what goes on inside my head, instead of judging me and labeling me with labels like “a secretive person or a complex entity.” But nobody looks at me and sees someone tired of hiding behind layers. All they see is someone who doesn’t complain openly. All they see, is bravery, stubbornness and a strong will. Nobody deciphers how much of a sham these things have become.

There is so much I want to say, so much that my insides constantly scream when my tongue is completely silent and stone cold. Most often than not, I dwell at a lonely place. A place where nobody comes to visit. A place filled with the downs but the very place that has me in its strong hold.

And there is a blockage inside my head right now. It might be because I’m hungry.

Til next time……

Diary Entry:Promises

Dear diary,

for once I didn’t have to think hard to choose a title for my post. It’s a biggie in my world, where I totally suck at picking titles. Anyway, I was just sitting idle, thinking about my teacher, whom by the way I love but who isn’t talking to me for some days now. She’s pissed at me or walking for an hour and ending up with blisters on my feet, which by the way, have healed. But she’s still pissed. And I don’t know if there is more that’s been fueling her anger. She talks to me fine when we are around each other in the university but she’s been on constant one or two syllable replies when I try to talk her to open the flood gates. I know I deserve a good scolding. That’s something I can deal with. The silence is just something I can’t take and digest. But boy! is she stubborn!!!
Well, I get it, she’s giving me a taste of my own medicine. But I would never hold out on someone for so long. It’s been a week now. And as simple as that, I miss her. I miss her very very much. I miss talking to her, laughing with her, pulling goofy jokes at her, just to see her smile one more time or imagine her smiling. She has the most wonderful smile. She’s beautiful in her own cheeky way.
And I miss her! All the time. I actually feel down right now, and sort of upset on not being able to talk to her, even though I realize that now that she is the head of department, she is even more busy than before and she’s already a workaholic too. But I miss her so badly.
Now I know why my mum keeps lecturing me about not coming off as too intense. I get it, perfectly well. I guess love and I, we don’t go well together. And yes she is stubborn but I’m the Queen of stubbornness. I won’t give up on her. At least, I don’t plan on it. And for an nth time, I don’t know what to do…….
This reminds me of one of my patients. We are not actually allowed to talk about them but I guess he won’t mind because he’s such a good kid. Well, his father told me during an interview that this kid is amazing when it comes to giving advise. His ideas are sincere and well thought and foolproof. But the kid complained that he can’t decide stuff for his own self. He kept thinking that his decisions would mess things up. I feel like him right now. I mean, not that I’m claiming that I’m good at giving advice but the next part. I’m sucking right now, at telling myself what to do next. And I have a case report to formulate. I have no desire to work on it and no motivation either. Even though I know it’s due tomorrow. I guess I’ll just eat dinner and go to sleep and freakout in the morning- again!
Guess it’s Ciao for now.

Diary Entry: SIST 2016

Dear diary,
SIST2016 starts today, in sha Allah! I couldn’t resist coming back here, to my beloved Islamabad. As soon as the air of my beloved city entered my lungs, I felt as if I’ve been shaken awake from a very deep sleep!
I never knew I would be that happy to come back here. The Euphoria won’t go even though, at the back of my mind I know, this time, winning in a competition, is close to impossible. I haven’t done it before and I haven’t prepared for it either. But just being in Islamabad, has filled me with such tremendous joy, which I can’t even explain in words!
There is something nagging at the back of my mind-my love life, or lack thereof, sucks, BIG TIME! I know I will worry about it, obsessively think about it, but the thoughts of it, I have saved for later. I don’t want to put lesser effort than I actually can, into the work I have to do. So, tension is a big no.
People used to say, a heart in love, does crazy things. I personally think it to be nothing but crap. But recently, my heart’s been giving me subtle ultimatums. I’ve been experiencing “Arrhythmia,” Most frequently “Tachycardia.” Thanks to House M.D, I have learned the terms and now I know their meanings as well. I’ve been trying not to take any kind of stress but getting rid of love for someone, from your heart, is a very difficult feat. And I don’t love, I melt in love. It’s not just a deep feeling but a way of life. It courses through my veins, keeps my heart beating. And sadly enough, these are not just plain words. I would, if I ever get a chance, die for the ones I love.
Anyway, I must go, have some rest. It’s a big day today, just waiting to happen!
And I’m not even prepared for the competitions yet :/

P.S: I miss a very dear reader of mine- Muneera from Occupied Kashmir. Girl, wherever you are, I hope you are in the best of your health and that you can get in touch soon!


Hurt Again….

There’s a heart inside,
So full, so uneasy.
A heart that once cared.
Now,it’s cold and queasy.
There is a person present
With hurtful feelings
Who was always sincere
In all his dealings.
There’s a twisted soul
Shredded, so torn.
Wondering why ever,
Was it born?
There are eyes, wet
And a falling warrior
After all the abusing.
There was a life,
Worth living and loving.
There’s a corpse,
Rotten, kneeling.
There’s a fight, raging.
And a body aging…

Major Depression Disorder

Finally we have started to touch Psychological disorders in our Mental Health and Psychopathology II class. Here’s what I remember about a Disorder called “Major Depression Disorder.”
Yup,the name shows, its related to depression. Not the kind of depression we use in our daily conversations . . . .
*Oh he dumped me,I’m so depressed.
*I didn’t get my most valued job,I’m depressed. . . .
We hear such sentences all the time around us. In fact we ourselves use the word depression in the wrong way,not realizing that it’s a big label that we are putting on ourselves. Lemme tell you how.
Firstly, Depression is a disorder.
A disorder is a combination of symptoms that help us in diagnosis/identification of a disease. So it means that a disorder has more than 1 symptoms.
That being said,lets come back towards Depression. Depression is characterized by Major Depressive Episodes.
What in the name of God is that?
Well an episode is the time period(a minimum of two weeks and maximum has no limit) during which you have at least 5 of common symptoms of Depression(any 5).
Lets quickly go through the most common symptoms(that may vary from person to person).
*loss of appetite or excessive eating
*feeling down or agitated over a prolonged period of time
*Insomnia(sleeplessness)or Hypersomnia (excessive sleep)
*loss of weight
*feeling worthless
*difficulty in remembering things and decision-making
*losing the insight of things.Thinking everything is worthless
*feeling inferior(but it isn’t inferiority complex)
*Suicidal attempts or thoughts.
So if any of these symptoms are found and they are persistent and stay over a long period of time,then I have bad news for you. If that’s not the case, why label yourself with depression when it’s just a little stress?

Diary entry 55

Dear diary,

There’s been a slight situation. A man who worked with my father vanished with 22 lac Rs and my brother just left his university to help my father recover the money. I might be on the brink of leaving the university too-nobody is saying that but I feel so bad.

My fee for the semester is yet to be paid. Yeah, it’s a big problem but it’s surely not bigger than Allah(SWT) and His power. Before leaving for home he told me not to worry. I’m not worried in the least. It’s just that I can’t control my thoughts. My mind reminds me again and again of the present situation. I’m writing here because I think it might help me in putting a stop to my thoughts. Off course I believe in Allah (SWT) that’s why I’m not tense. I know this situation would pass (In Sha Allah) and soon.

Anyway, I’m sitting in Al Huda library and writing from there. Yes, whenever I need some peace of mind, this is the first place I come to. And I totally love it here. My work in IT department is progressing slowly but I’m happy that I came here when I did.

After two weeks of bed rest, when I first came here, everyone asked me if I attended the lectures of Dr. Tawfiq Choudhary who visited Pakistan and Al Huda. I said no. And then they would tell me that the lectures were amazing and that I missed a LOT. I’m happy that I stumbled upon one of those recorded lectures when I was about to start my work here(perks of working with the editing crew 🙂 ). So I took my time and listened to what he had to say. And I have to confess, he’s an amazing speaker.

The topic of his talk was about the Judgment day scenario. He started by saying that he’s a medical Doctor who deals the emergency cases and that in his whole life as a doctor, he has never seen a single patient who died an “easy death.” Some people go fighting, some in pain, some wanting to live a little longer and no one actually ready to move on to the next world.

Death is not easy but why do we fear it so much? Why don’t we ever wanna die?

According to him, our hearts are filled with the love of this world that makes us stop wanting to meet our Creator.

There were some things that I learned today that I didn’t know even after studying the whole Qur’an with translation and explanation. I would love to share them here too.

  • We’ll have our intelligence in our graves too. Imagine thinking about the past – OUR past and the future, while lying in the grave……
  • Angels would come with the news of the happenings of the world to inform people of the graves.
  • Resurrection of corpses on the Day of Judgment would take place after Allah would soak our graves with rain. I was trying to imagine the scene and the picture that came into my mind was…..hand coming out of the grave and then slowly, the whole body coming out…….(yeah I thought of vampires and zombies :p )
  • Sky would be multi-coloured.
  • Earth would be smooth and white like flour and shiny like Silver.
  • The things that people steal in this world, they would carry them on their backs on the Day of Judgment.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking right now? Yeah, help comes from Allah (SWT) just when you need it. I’m happy I listened to that lecture today and I’m happy to know that justice would be served, be it here or in the hereafter.

Anyway, I have an assignment to make and two quizzes to prepare .So see ya soon In Sha Allah!

P.S: My plate is so full tonight so there is something related to Psychology that I wished to write but it will have to wait for now.

Diary entry 18

Dear diary,

Attended a seminar today on the topic:

Stress,a silent killer.”

All the talking about stress and its management.Just heard the news that my uncle passed away today.Life has such twisted sense of humor 😦 Talking is easy but acting – not for the faint hearted people.I have an exam tomorrow,which means I can’t go home.Lets see what stress is doing-Shoulder muscles are stiff and painful,have pain in the neck muscles and a building headache,tear glands in activation,chill running through my whole body.


Leave me alone,or I’m gonna cut your claws before they reach my heart!!!)

Deep breath in,deep breath out.deep breath in,pushing chest outward,abdominal area rising,shoulders straight,deep and slow breath out………body relaxing…….

I’m okay,I’m fine!

I better go to try to concentrate on my preparation for tomorrow’s exam.