Not the Average Girl.


Don’t tell me interesting stories
don’t call me with sweet names
don’t offer me to be your valentine
don’t play your usual games.
’cause I’m not your average girl,
doing “oohs”and”aahs” on your little tricks.
’cause I’m not your usual girl,
I never cry on chick-flicks :p
Teach me how to fight instead,
I wanna learn the hand combat.
Teach me how to throw a punch.
Lemme be a spoiled Army brat.
’cause I’m not your average girl.
Forget all the feminine cliches.
’cause I’m not your usual girl,
who,on the sight of danger,runs away.
Take me to the battlefield with you,
lemme fight beside you,until I bleed.
Lemme show I’m a warrior,not a worrier.
Lemme hold your hand,help you in need.
’cause I’m not your average girl,
screaming on sight of a lizard.
’cause I’m not your usual girl.
I’ll stand tall in every Blizzard.

For the last time


imagesShe kept looking on his retreating back for as long as the dark, empty night would let her. Her once deep,lively eyes were shallow and empty, like death itself. They seemed to be looking at far away places.
Even after his lean body was out of sight, she kept staring into nothingness for a long time. Seconds, minutes, hours. . . . . she didn’t know how long she had been standing there, frozen. She felt like she had been robbed off something very important. But what was it? What could it be? That’s something she was having difficulty figuring out. Her mind refused to think or provide any answers. She felt numb, life-less, cold. . . . . stone-cold.
It was starting to rain. A little drop here and a drop there. A drop on her pale, blood-drained face. Snapping back to reality, she put her one bare foot in front of the other. On touching the soft carpet of thick grass under her feet, she felt so weak, so helpless, so little. Her footing was so unsure and yet she knew she had to keep moving for as long as her legs would carry her. Right foot, left then right and left. She didn’t go far. Couldn’t go far. Every single step she took, seemed more difficult than the one before.
She stumbled, her legs too weak to carry her any further. No, she wasn’t someone with a heavy frame. She was small yet strong, built for brave stuff. Running, a lot of running perhaps. And her brain…..her brain, clearly it was meant for a far greater purposes than she realized.
she stumbled again. This time, her knees meeting the ground. Resigned, she didn’t try to get up. A tear escaped her eyes and another…..a scream building inside her.
The rain, getting strong by the minute drenching her to the bones. Her tears,an unending stream. Numbness,leaving her body as awareness took its place. Soaked completely,crying hard, she put her now throbbing head down on the soft blades of grass,wishing for death to come and take a hold of her at that particular moment. But she knew, it wasn’t her time to die. She had to fulfill her true purpose of life yet, whatever that purpose was. So she let her tears flow openly. Crying, for the last time, without shame, for every single person who left her in the past and the present,everyone who never tried to stick with her for long enough to know her well. Everyone who took a part of her with them as they went. As tears left her eyes, she felt as if every part of herself she ever lost, it was coming back to her. So slowly and gradually she became whole again. One by one, she kept burning her memories. Tears kept flowing until she felt complete again, void of any hurt. Empty,yet whole again. Her eyes felt puffy and ached, her whole body cold and wet. It was time to be brave and go home. So she stood up, this time without any difficulty, without any shackles of her past creating any difficulty for her. Slowly she walked back to her door,got inside her home, that reeked of solitude, but felt like some place she actually belonged. Closing the door behind her, she closed the door of misery, extricating herself from her self-made problems. She knew, it was the start of something new and she was ready, ready to face whatever was to come next………

Diary entry 105


Dear diary,
every time I write here and  let my inside out,it feels that it was my last time. That I wont be able to write anymore. That I have lost my touch or that I have pen down everything I could write in a lifetime. But not even a day passes that I have something else to say. And once again,the whole process repeats. What a vicious cycle it is! Writing calms me down,it helps me stay sane and cope with my inner demons. It renders me strength and the will to go on. But once I have written everything,my inside just feels empty. I guess there is some kinda issue with my self-esteem. How else would I explain this drowning feeling inside. Something in my life is making me extremely unhappy but I don’t wish to do anything about it.
My life isn’t complicated, I just made it that way. I still am the only person to be able to lift off my self-inflicted curse. There’s something that’s slowly eating away my soul. What type of person would allow self-destruction? Yeah,A Masochist,I know. But I am not one. At least not one with a clinical kinda problem.
All around me,people undergo emotional hurt,loss,pain and suffering. Seeing them, I want to help. It seems so selfish to keep tending to your own wounds when so many others need help with their wounds. It satisfies me to help them. It makes me happy. I forget what I have gotten myself into and the fruit of my hard work with other people give me more pleasure than anything else can ever give.
But the bad thing is,when people I love are hurt, my inside hurts too. People tell me that I should not get close to other people. But how would I help them if I don’t see their lives from a place close enough? I’m training to become a psychologist for God’s sake! What do people want me to do? Forget what empathy feels like?
No,I wont be able to do that. I don’t want to. I can’t let myself be cold-hearted and survive in my profession. I guess I’ll just suffer and keep helping others,for no one can get out of his own story. This is mine and I have to take it to a proper ending.
Anyway, a friend’s sister had a baby today and I’m so happy on the news. I don’t know the gender yet. But whatever the gender, it’s a big news and a happy one. Waiting to see what that baby looks like. Fingers crossed!
My eyes hurt again and I have an assignment to make. So…..see you soon,if life permits!
Chao!

P.S:Just got the news. It’s a baby boy 🙂 A lotsa congrats to my Alien buddy from my side!

Diary entry 103


Dear diary,
my hormones make me edgy these days,more often than not. People think I act weird. But I think I’m finally learning to be a female. The darker side, the unruly emotional side. Nope,it’s not cute,it’s not charming. Its irritates me to the bones. Like I said,I’m edgy most of the time. I say things,not meaning to,and hurt people I love,people close to my heart. I would deny it. It’s not me doing all this,no,it’s not. But what use is my denial when I know the truth is that it’s all me.
The truth is,at times,I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t recognize this girl with a sharp tongue,wounding hearts of countless with little effort. I mean,I have always been good at fighting. And the blood running through my veins sure has a legacy. Being a warrior is what I have known all my life. But the truth is,I hurt inside. Somewhere deep down. The warrior sometimes stops to take a breath,to renew its strength. And that moment of rest,it half kills me. The temper tantrums are exhausting. But do you know whats more exhausting?! Not letting the lava out. Keeping it inside. Fearing,it would burn the ones I love,when they are the reason that lava exists in the 1st place. I keep letting myself burn and let my fear of losing my loved ones eat me away.
I know I need to stop. I know I need to let things out. But I guess a warrior doesn’t only has to sacrifice his life.1st come the sacrifice of feelings.
Nope,I’m not gonna say I’m good at it. I whine here all the time. But this is the thing about sacrifice of a warrior,like waiting,it never ends. You spend your whole life learning to let go of things,to sacrifice your feelings. Every time you come to think you have mastered the skill. But the truth is,every time the hurt is even greater than the last time. The gash,the wound is deeper than ever before.
And then there are times when you can’t justify or explain your actions. Like just now,I cant explain why am I writing all this stuff.I want to,but I have no idea why. All I feel is,like there is a big hole inside,getting bigger and darker with every passing second.
But one thing I know for sure,my moment of distress will pass soon enough.I’ll be okay.I mean,I always am,in the end.So why whine. . . .
I better get some sleep now.Its late
Gutentag

Diary entry 98


Dear diary,

I’ve been a little out of sorts lately. Haven’t been able to sleep properly. Health is better but my mind is so messed up. And the sleep deprivation. . . . . My eyes hurt. And I have a deep urge to cry. I don’t know how much my mind is responsible for this feeling beside the hurting eyes. There are days in every person’s life when they want to let go and cry hard. Days when they want to be taken care of, for a change. Days when even the bravest and strongest of the people want to be treated like a fragile being………
Its my day today. Its my moment of weakness I guess. I want a break from being strong for myself and for others, just a little break. . . . a tear or two, to escape my eyes. . . . because those who cry are not weak. Those who dare to cry, they are strong enough to let go. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness. They are a person’s strength, a way of saying, “I’ve had too much. I have tolerated enough. Its time to say goodbye to the past and to future; aye, aye!”

Well, I’m doing the same right now. Preparing myself for whatever life has in store for me. I’m strong again. I have shed my worries, my doubts and my fears with these tears, that dry on my face right now. I’ve learned that the more you feel self-pity, the more miserable you become. That’s not an option for me. It never was.
So once again, this soldier is ready to take on all the battles that come her way. Once again, out in the open, fighter mode on 🙂
P.S: Another post coming on next(in a bit 🙂 Yup, mind and creative spirit is in over drive these days or something.)

Diary entry 95


Dear diary,
I’ve been up all night trying to study but instead having fun with my bestie. News of a strike were buzzing in the air all day and night. By the time it was 06:30 am, it felt something like strike was on so I went out too (Chloe went to sleep). But when me and some other hostel fellows reached male campus girls were retreating. We saw two or three buses entering university and girls came running back towards female campus, shouting block the campus,shut the doors and don’t alert the guards,keep silent. . . . . .blah,blah,blah. . . . .(Nope I’m not against you girls. I was there because I wanted to be. But there is something called management. We should all learn a bit of it at least!) Anyway, strike seemed an epic fail initially. What with the meager strength and lack of discipline. So I called my bestie at 08:00am to let her know that paper was on. Reluctantly she came to campus and saw a big crowd of day scholars and hostelites outside university blocks.
What happened today. . . . .
Well, yesterday, about 15 security guards entered female hostel block and threw a girl’s belongings out in open,assaulting her both physically and verbally (this has been happening from some past days.They are literally throwing out girls). And today some female students came out to condemn the act and they were abused verbally and some got beaten by the guards. Hearing this, those girls who were in hostel to study for their final exam came out to help out their sisters. And alhamdulillah some day scholars came and joined forces with hostel students and fought for our rights and our honour.
A big thank you to those brave girls who helped us. Our paper got postponed as my class showed unity (for the very first time in 2 and a half years)and sat out the paper time 😉 Management tried to force girls to give up and some of them were giving orders to guards to beat the girls if they have to. Seeing the chaos, lady police officers were summoned. There’s been an F.I.R filed against Provost and today was the hearing in court that Provost missed (I hope she is forced to resign for rusticating those innocent students,for snubbing our voices,for ordering assault of students by security guards,for being lying hypocritical . . . .ahem,ahem.Yeah! ).
The girl they expelled yesterday night was a PhD Scholar and hearing the unfortunate news, her father got a heart attack. Some mixed news are vibrating that he is serious and some say he died. University Administration isn’t allowing any Media to do the event coverage. Payed them off. Lets see how long are you able to keep our voices down. There will be a time when we would be able to say “On your faces,administration and the so-called disciplinary committee!”
Male population (or some of them) were promising they would make history and they would help their sisters. . . . .blah,blah,blah. Remind me again,why didn’t I trust even a single word you said yesterday :-/ Seriously guys,if you don’t wanna help,then don’t! Just stop acting like hypocrites! We already have enough on our hands,don’t need any more to worry about. Thank You very much!!!
Anyway,I’m too tired to go on right now.
Later,will try to upload the video Chloe just made. It’s a talk between Female DIG (if I’m not wrong),Provost and students.
Right now I need to get some sleep…….

P.S:I dunno why I keep awake on the exact night of strike and then tire myself :-/ I hate you,”Me!”

Diary entry 91


Dear diary,
Some of my past days have been quite stressing. Stress hasn’t left me completely but I have just tried to push the least important matters to the back of my mind,focusing on the most important and pressing matters. Will deal with the remaining matters whenever I get 1st chance to breathe. Exams are just around the corner. So things have been piling up lately. Came to class with a mind made up to finish everything today but so far,the day has been extremely lazy. Don’t know how long it would take to increase its pace. I’m bored to my core. Waiting for the teacher to come and get over with my presentation and quiz.
Likewise,some of my past nights,including  today’s,have been extremely uncomfortable too. My mind is being extremely over active and annoying. Haven’t been able to sleep properly in the nights but I don’t even bother to try sleeping during day time(dunno why).
Everywhere I look,I see people falling apart. People close to me,people I care about. I have no idea how to stop that. Its frustrating. I’m trying not to let these things take hold of me and break me. So far,I have done a lousy job. Every once in a day or so,stressful thoughts creep into my mind,and I move with their flow for some time. Then I have to slap myself back to being strong,not just for myself but for others too.
Talking to a friend about 10 days ago was kinda turning point of my life. I became hopeful again. Feel as if my life has been returned to my body. Feels like a 2nd chance at happiness. I just came to know that I can still join forces. And this time, I will make sure that at least I try once. Last time,I let the opportunity pass,but this time is different. I don’t wanna live a meaningless and lazy life anymore. I will try for Forces when I complete my degree In Sha Allah.
Still 1.5 years to go but I’m still over-excited.
There are things that I want to talk about,but once again I’m trying to spare feelings of others. I have no idea why I do it. I just do it. And even hurt myself in the process. But I guess,for once in my life I don’t wanna be self-centered and selfish. I can’t even say that this is who I am,because I no longer know if it’s the whole truth or not.
For some days,I just wanna be void of any feelings. I know it’s just wishful thinking,it’s not gonna happen and it just frustrates me even more :-/
I should’ve known there was too much inside me that would come out if I start writing. There’s more. But I should probably let it rest now. For past should remain in past,wont you agree.
Yes,I get it! I should write more often to avoid becoming insane. I get it. Damn you,my laziness!!!
:-/
Anyway,I better go now. Teacher is about to come(Yup,it would take some time and effort to normalize my mood.So I better work on it right now. Writing here has made me morose again 😦  )

Chao