Diary Entry 133

Dear diary,
nobody told me life would be easier. In fact they keep telling me about its difficulties, challenges, sorrows and hurts. Oh and being a girl is a challenge in itself. The unruly emotions and always a couple of degrees higher than normal creatures. Why do I feel the way I do? It’s my roommie’s B’day today. The one who died back in January. Her folks keep trying to contact me. The past keeps haunting me and the fact that I’m short of one sincere person in my life when that’s exactly what I need around me. There is so much hurt here,inside, that cannot be fixed with words i write or false utters of “everything will be okay!”
Nothing will be the same again, as if I don’t know that!
My little sister is sick. She’s been hospitalized and I’m unable to go home to tend to her or to relieve my mother’s distress. As if I was short of things to worry about! Migraine is back, the low moods, the temper tantrums, hating everyone around, the crying spells, the hours I spend, totally mute!
As if that’s not enough!
My aunt’s rabbit died today and I saw her in tears. That was the moment when I could put a stop to my own tears and get my action mode on. I buried the poor thing with my own hands! I can still feel the softness of its fur, rapidly losing its warmth. the blood oozing from its nose, its stoned grey eyes. And yet people think I can’t be on the front-lines! What they don’t realize is that my worries, my distress, my hurt vanishes when someone else is hurting. I forget my problems and focus on helping others get over theirs. This is who I am! A disaster through and through, sure! But this is something I would never want to change even in a million years!
Anyway, I do realize that my hurt hurts my aunt as well. Oh, she tries so hard to understand me. But she doesn’t know how much I hide inside, just like she does….. Guess, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I should probably go and give her company. Shes hurting and I wont be here with her tomorrow.
University can go screw itself, I’m going home tomorrow in sha Allah!
Allah, save the Queen!
More later, if life permits!


P.S: The kids are back home. Another round of crying has started :/ I should be off!

You Did Not Die Alone, You Took A Part of Me With You!

I could not stop- I could not stop myself from writing and I still can’t stop crying. It’s Tuesday, December 16,2014; a day that never failed to hurt us, as a nation and as one People. It’s a day, that world saw the two parts of Pakistan finally break into two sovereign nations and it’s a day which saw countless little kids losing their precious lives.
How could I stop? How could I not say a word on this whole massacre of innocents in Army Public School And College, Peshawar? I have a long History with Army Public School and College. It’s the name that became my introduction 20 years ago. It’s the name that makes the feeling of love bubble in my chest. It’s a name I call my own! And it’s a name I would lay my life down for!
It’s a day when so many innocent kids met their unfortunate end by bullets fired on their heads. It’s a day when being an Army Brat makes me proud of myself. For we are not cowards! We take bullets in our chests,we don’t turn our backs and run away!
Oh,it breaks my heart even to think of what their parents would be going through,right now. It’s not easy, to have to bury your child. It’s never easy to see your siblings go 6 feet down and under…..
My little brother and sister,they are still going to Army Public,even though, I know, my school and college have been threatened countless times,when I was still a student. The pictures circulating on the internet(which I won’t attach here),one picture resembles my little brother so much that it gave me creeps.(My family is safe Alhamdulillah!)
On one side I’m crying for the little brothers and sisters I lost today and on the other, I’m actually glad that it wasn’t in my city pr my siblings. My siblings were not in the place of those unfortunate souls. Does that make me any selfish? I wish people would stop posting emotional stuff on social media. It’s so depressing. I’ve been crying for past 3 hours and I can’t stop.
But being a Muslim, I do believe, and it’s my duty to say it out loud, that NO MUSLIM CAN KILL INNOCENTS. IT’S AGAINST  THE TEACHINGS OF ISLAM. NO ONE CAN KILL IN COLD BLOOD AND THEN CLAIM TO BE A MUSLIM. Call me naive or whatever, but my Muslim brothers can’t kill other Muslim brothers. And I don’t care what the brutes of other worlds say about my religion and my people, what I know about my people, they don’t! It’s easy to talk with their big mouths from far away, it’s so difficult to endure. The loss we had today shows that Muslims are not the Terrorists,as portrayed by the whole stupid media, we are the VICTIMS! The flower buds we lost today,before they could even blossom, are the living proof of that!

Abused. . . . .

Behind those fake smiles,
There’s a heart that cries
Filled with sorrow and pains
Of an assaulted body and soul
And I can see you standing
Right there,in front of me
Laughing above my broken body
Again today,I got punished
For a crime I didn’t commit
In fact I fail to fathom this
Why do I let you torture?
Silently getting whipped
What did I ever do to you?
I’m harmless and unequipped
A weak body,your submissive
And yet,you hold that lash
Bleed me,until you’re tired
Then at night,you come close
I’m afraid,what you might do
But you are a changed man
Hugging me close and warm
You comfort me so much
As if nothing has happened
A happy tear escapes my eyes
I’m afraid to let go just yet
Afraid,morning would unleash
The beast inside of you
I don’t have to wait long
It’s again me,under your lash
The vicious cycle just never ends
Tears of pain and anguish
Escaping eyes of a broken,violated me

And My Grief Became You!

A lost dream,before being realized
I felt helpless and my heart cried
An upset mind and a grieved spirit
What a twisted, miserable life!
You knew I wasn’t here to harm
I just wanted to help you heal
But now I know you’re a broken mirror
And I’m torn into pieces,left to bleed
Your shards,cutting deep into my heart
I saw you dying and embraced you tight
Heart-rending sight,unfortunate night
My muffled cries and agonized tears
As I lost you, my beloved baby. . . .
Torn from my arms and buried deep
Thoughts of you wont let me sleep
I ask myself, day in and day out
Who were you?What was all this about?
What I hear now,is silence of a tormented soul
All this fear and sorrow, eating me up,whole
As I lie on my bed,confused
Still thinking of you. . . . . . . .

The Break-up (part 2)

Its like his face is etched on my eyelids
I see him,even when I don’t want to
It’s as if he’s a part of me
His face keeps me up at night
I see him,with my eyes both open and closed
It’s as if he runs in my body
Instead of my blood
Keeping me alive and well
I can’t hide,can’t shun his memories
He’s become an essential part of me
And even if I run away
How can I outrun myself?
How can I escape me?
Oh Lord!This is torture.Its brutal!
How to go on living like that?
How do I survive?
He’s gone but my heart wont let go
I still remember the day we met
And the way we clicked
Like two fitting pieces of a puzzle
As if we were made for each other
Life was all roses and stolen kisses
The late night talks,the giggles
His hugs,felt like home
Love flowing through his eyes
His mischievous smile
Eyes fixed on me,taking all in;savoring
The longing and patience on his part
Oh,and the way he made me feel special
Face;reflecting his own satisfaction
. . . . . . POOF. . . . . . And he’s vanished. . . .
From my life,from my world
Only the memories remain to remind me
No more jolly dancing,no more late night strolls
I’m a broken shard,a hopeless soul now
Insanely sane,going completely insane
Tossing and turning,aching for him
Asking myself “Why?”,over and over
I remember that wretched cold night
As if it was just happening now
Sitting across him on our table for two
I dread that moment,but there’s nothing I can do
He’s made up his mind,I can see it in his eyes
Nothing now,can bring a change
I say,”I can take it!I can take it all!!!”
Silently begging him,take me,make me Yours
But whom was I trying to fool?
He’s so quiet;not a good sign
I wait. . . .patience,slowly leaving me
Then it hits me
,flooding my eyes
He doesn’t want me anymore
But I have to make sure
Wishing I misread his silence
I accuse him,”You’re leaving me,aren’t you?”
He utters not,even a single word
As if he needed to,in the first place
This knowledge does little to help me
I feel frozen in time,numb,lifeless
I want to put up a strong front
But my eyes have a mind of their own
Collecting all my energies,left
I look his way for the last time
And that’s when my heart starts to weep
And my eyes,they too,join in
Goodbye is never easy
There’s indecision,frustration in his stance
A moment that gave away the hidden truth
“He’s still in love with me and I reciprocate!”
But DAMN his sense of responsibility!!!
Did he have to be the thoughtful one?
So what if he was old,I did already accept
Our love was blind,we knew its depth
Why did he have to be with maturity then?
I still wait,and will wait for an eternity
Oh Love!you are so ruthless and deadly
Where should I go?Whom should I tell?
That Love made my life a real Hell
Engulfed by sorrow,I still seek his arms
An embrace of love,that I’ll never get
And a home I can never forget


laugh it off

You know how it feels to be abandoned by someone, don’t you? The hurt won’t leave you, your eyes won’t stop complaining, but again- there’s no one to see and comprehend. The one who left doesn’t come back to comfort you.

Do you know the feeling when you come to know that someone you loved and respected, is a fake. Yeah, cheated is the exact name of that emotion you then feel.

But, the sooner you know, the better. I can’t say that it prevents you from being hurt but you still have some power left to forget that person.

Some people are present in your life to break you. To show you how much you can endure-how brave you are-what exactly your limit is!

Thanks to them, you come to know about your real inner strength. You fight the demons of hopelessness and come forward as a victor. There’s no harm in that!

Besides, the process of learning has always been a difficult one! One way to deal with such sorrow is to laugh it off-that’s exactly what I’m trying to do today.


It hurts!!! And really bad!!!

Arrrggghhhh . . . . . . .

No, I don’t have any heartaches right now its just that

I have pain in the pit of my stomach!

(No! I’m not trying to be a drama queen-I suck at being dramatic.

Probably I ate too many almonds today).

P.S:this last picture is a little exaggerated version of how I’m feeling right now.