Diary entry 112

Dear diary,
I used to fear I would die without even learning how to drive. That’s not fair,I always thought. But today I have a new and stronger resolve. I’m gonna try my level best not to die before I learn how to drive. Off course I can’t do anything but hope that it happens as I want it to be.
Dear diary, the pain inside has kinda subsided. I still miss my family but I didn’t go home today as I decided that I should stay here and deal with my choices. The aerobatics Air show by Pakistan Air Force went down the drain. It got cancelled and my sacrifice was all for nothing. Nope, I’m still a patriot. A lazy patriot of a lazy nation. Here the weather became the deciding factor but who cares. The thing is, I wasn’t able to see the 1st air show that I wanted to see. I wasn’t able to see the premiere of Divergent because I was alone. I regretted not being home. But now I don’t feel that. I guess it happened for the best. Ain’t it what people say? Yeah. So, I’m gonna go with it too 😀
Anyway,the day was as event-less as it can possible go. But I’m learning to enjoy amidst all the solitude. And I have to say,it’s not going as well as it used to be in the past. I guess I have contracted the germs of someone who enjoys good company. I wonder who could it be.
Anyway, my body is pretty tired after doing absolutely nothing, the whole day. I wonder how I manage to get tired without even lifting an arm to do anything useful :-/
Excuse me, I should attend to myself now I guess.
See you again,if life permits!

Diary entry 16

Dear diary,

Life’s been busy on my side.But even with all the hustle bustle around me,the loneliness won’t leave my door.I have no idea why it claws at my heart.I lose my focus too often and I know I need to stop that.Mid term exams start come  Monday and I haven’t touched my books yet.You know whats funny – when I told my bestie she replied:you never touch them anyway 🙂 Yeah,she knows me very well.

This time I’m trying to break the habit.This time I want to actually try to study – don’t ask where that urge came from ’cause I dunno myself.I guess its the boredom or maybe the solitude,that’s getting to me.Whatever the case,I want to do something consciously this time.

Weird – this coming from me,right?

But I really sat to study this time and look what I’m doing 😀

Yeah,dear diary,I came here to tell you that I’m going to study right now,so that you can say:”Yeah,well good luck with that one!”


And I’m feeling hungry.I’d better go and cook something to eat……..

What was that???

Did you just say that I said I was going to study right now???!!!

(A fleeting thought to myself:*RUN!!!*)

The fear and the void

I’m endlessly staring on the blank space before me.I logged in with the mind that I’d write something new.But I happen to have caught a new disease which seems to be taking control over my brain fast.Too swift for me to comprehend or even pin point its cause and take some remedy.

I’ve lost control over my own thoughts.I can’t write what I think and I keep forgetting what I want to write.My once well-organized thought process is nothing more than miscellaneous strands of broken thought threads now.

In class,where I used to be certain that once I heard and understood something,I’d be able to reproduce it whenever I was required to do so.Now,I seem lost.Every word that comes out of my teacher’s mouth,is just another group of meaningless letters and every sentence is a combination of unfathomable concepts,that leaves me gaping at it as if I suddenly encountered an alien.

And then there’s this fear inside me that’s eating me alive.The fear of not being able to remember anything.In normal students,it’s better known as pre-exam fear.But once they see the question paper,the fear starts to ease and ooze out of their systems.But I never had any concerns about my marks or grades-ever.So why is this similar fear gripping me,when I’m doing an excellent job in class?

I guess,I may never know.

It’s just like this occasional feeling of void and emptiness I get.Its not new,and it is my companion of solitude but I haven’t been able to figure out its real reason.It just eats me from inside.Its like some invisible hand clutching and squeezing my internal organs and I feel so helpless.I feel like crying,as if that would ease the situation.For a person who never gives in,it’s a horrible thing not to be able to do anything.I despise every second of it.

Its amazing,how the presence and absence of a person can lessen the effects of both these feelings.

Oh,I have to confess,there’s a little development in my story that I failed to mention in any of my recent posts.I finally found a friend-whose sweetness brings out all the good things in me;whose challenges are my drive and motivation;whose humor keeps everything alive and who likes to call our  back and forth of ridiculous statements and banter as:”playing verbal tennis with me.

Things have taken a much better turn and I feel much happier,for which I’m eternally grateful to you my friend 🙂

P.S:I dunno what I wrote-I wasn’t thinking straight tonight.