Diary entry 119


Dear diary,
I know,its been too long since I last wrote. I wasn’t short of words of incidents to report, it was just lack of motivation. But from past one day, I have been driven crazy by my unruly thoughts. I’m not gonna say what nightmares I have had for past some days. Some things are better left alone, untouched. Some secrets are better buried deep in damp, cold and the darkest part of the soul.
The good thing is, I’m going to start a Tajweed class this week In Sha Allah. I’m pretty excited about it.
Yesterday was my second time to drive a car but first time, without any supervision. I enjoyed every bit of the experience. Hoping to get great at it very soon.
Argh, not writing for so long has its own negative effects. My mind is numb and all muddled up. I dunno what I’m writing and how. Nothing seems  right and nothing seems to matter at this very moment. I just want to lie down and sleep,without any more waiting.
Any hopes and chances of me writing anything good today are equal to zero, but I might pop up early in the morning to try again. For now, I better hit the bed and try to catch up on some lost hours of sleep.
Chao!

Diary entry 116


Dear diary,
A window of respite has opened for me. Most of my subjects that I don’t like or suck at, their exam is over. Tomorrow is “Developmental Psychology ” exam. I love the subject, totally! It should not be hard.
I’m extremely tired again,today. Sleepless nights again, tired and frustrated mornings. During exam timings,there’s nothing I would want more than have some sleep but NO,I have to finish the exam everyday and take regular classes too. Mid terms suck really :-/
Okay, my concentration just went down the drain.
See you some other time
Guten tag

Diary entry 115


Dear diary,
I don’t know what I feel right now and if I really want to feel this way or not. There is extreme happiness inside me and then there is sorrow like a shadow, darkening that happiness. I can’t figure out which emotion to express. When I decide to write about the grief and the reason why I feel down, my happiness tugs at me. And when I decide that I’m going to write about my happiness, my heart literally cries out because of the pain inside.
There is a guy, younger than me, who used to be my junior in my college, was my van fellow and used to call me his sister, for he had none of his own. His mother died of a heart attack last week. I just came to know about it yesterday. I don’t know how to react, how to comfort. This is the point where I feel the pain inside and can do nothing. Oh, I hate this feeling. Losing a mother is never easy. When I put my problems in front of me, they look so little, so feeble, so insignificant compared to his agony. Yes, I’m devastated by the news. And my friend problems, my exams and all the other problems that keep me busy, they are not even problems!
I think I have become such a whiner and I’m getting used to complaining here all the time. this is NOT good! I have to stop before it’s too late. Oh God,the pain just wont leave! :-/ I hope and pray that his mum’s soul rests in peace and Allah gives him and his family, patience.Writing is liberating for me,most of the time. It works wonders.
But not being able to say,whatever you want to say, not being able to express whatever you wish to express and not because you can’t, but because, it’s better under a veil than out in the open,it sucks, BIG time!
Maybe I should say why I was happy,too. I mean, I don’t actually have to act like a crybaby all the time. I must write about the good things too, right?!
So, here it goes…….
Another teacher of mine saw some potential in me, quite recently. And this time it’s the writer me that gave the hint. My teacher said “Nayab, after completing you BS, you should do Masters in English some day. You have the potential and you can do it easily.”
Oh yes, I am happy and even after days, these words have kept me cheerful through my days.
My days are kinda hectic and I have started sleeping too much and at most odd times. So much for a good routine. Every time I try that, it goes down the drain :-/
Tomorrow is my Research Methodologies II exam and this subject kinda sucks too. I dream of the days when this ordeal would be finally over In Sha Allah! I hope it does end very soon. I’m thinking about trying something that I have never tried before in my blog. Thinking of making next post a “picture post.”
Lets see if the idea materializes or not.
Gotta go from here to think about the next post.

P.S:Don’t forget to pray for the deceased,it’s a special request from my side.
Chao!

Diary entry 114


Dear diary,
my mid terms have started and I’m proving true to my clan of “lazy bunch of students.” I’m studying but I don’t want to see these subjects ever in my life again. Today is my statistics exam, and I hate it totally!
Facebook is filled with the comments and statuses of my classmates. I’m going one step further and writing in here 😀 Anyway, there is one or 2 subject in every semester that is to torture the students or send their GPA down the drain. And sometimes there are such teachers who are not better suited to the subject they are teaching. And if we combine both of these,then mass murder happens. So today, I’m hoping that by some miracle, that doesn’t happen.
Anyway, my blog got unusually high hits the day before yesterday. I was ecstatic off course!
There’s been another development. The post I wrote about DJ Tamz, well I guess, some die-hard fan of his just read it. Off course she’s heart-broken and was asking me why I tagged him. Seems like a nice person with obviously the wrong person as her ideal.I hope the knowledge benefits her somehow. Now it seems like I have done my job. I knew the truth and it was my job to share it  with at least some of the other people. One has gotten to know the truth, I guess that’s enough for me. At least I tried to stop the wrong by the only possible way I knew how. And I’m more peaceful now, alhamdulillah!
I know initially such knowledge about a person whom you hold too high in regard,it hurts. It’s the most natural thing. But it does get better in the end if we let go of things sooner.
I have to go before I start something longer here. Have a paper in the morning and these days I’m more “sleepy-head” than alert and awake head,
Catch you as soon as I can.

 

Diary entry 113


Dear diary,
Its one of those days when I don’t want to sleep but my mind is so sleepy and my eyes hurt. I hadn’t planned on writing anything here due to my current condition but since I have started writing,maybe I should write some more.
Mid terms are around the corner. In fact they are dangling like a sword on our heads. Why they feel like a sword is because like all the previous times, my preparation sucks even this time. I don’t know how I always find myself in my own mess. Well,off course I’m the one who makes all the mess for myself but I wonder when and how do I get all this time to do it. I’m deep again. The only way I see is kinda hard for me to be on. I mean, actually studying for the exams . . . . . . I already feel like . . . . . . . . . aarrrghhhhh!
Nope, my life isn’t over yet. And off course, In the end I will have to sit down and study. You know I’m already dreading that moment :-/ I don’t know whats wrong with me. Is it just me or do all students feel the same?
Ugh,all this wondering and thinking is giving me a headache.
I better go and welcome a sweet night’s sleep and give rest to my tired eyes.
More later In Sha Allah!

Ma’assalamah!

Diary entry 106


Dear diary,
it’s been raining, hard, and it’s a complete guess. I haven’t been outside after I finished my classes and fee submission tasks, which exhausted me, by the way. Uni life is good but exhausting, that’s for sure. Most of the work is still manual. I mean the record keeping for our hostels etc. There’s a rumor that this time, they are upgrading everything. I’m sincerely hoping that it ends well.
My book addiction is back and I have started to retreat, into my books again. People sometimes bore me. I get tired of them too fast. It’s happening again. And this time I’m not worried about me.
I have been thinking and I guess soon I will be able to write something new, if I continue, but not today. My head is giving me hard time. I woke up from an uneasy sleep after hearing thunder outside. And my head just won’t stop hurting.
I better go have some rest before writing becomes more difficult. I will return as soon as I can think again and write something new.
Until then,
Chao!

Diary entry 98


Dear diary,

I’ve been a little out of sorts lately. Haven’t been able to sleep properly. Health is better but my mind is so messed up. And the sleep deprivation. . . . . My eyes hurt. And I have a deep urge to cry. I don’t know how much my mind is responsible for this feeling beside the hurting eyes. There are days in every person’s life when they want to let go and cry hard. Days when they want to be taken care of, for a change. Days when even the bravest and strongest of the people want to be treated like a fragile being………
Its my day today. Its my moment of weakness I guess. I want a break from being strong for myself and for others, just a little break. . . . a tear or two, to escape my eyes. . . . because those who cry are not weak. Those who dare to cry, they are strong enough to let go. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness. They are a person’s strength, a way of saying, “I’ve had too much. I have tolerated enough. Its time to say goodbye to the past and to future; aye, aye!”

Well, I’m doing the same right now. Preparing myself for whatever life has in store for me. I’m strong again. I have shed my worries, my doubts and my fears with these tears, that dry on my face right now. I’ve learned that the more you feel self-pity, the more miserable you become. That’s not an option for me. It never was.
So once again, this soldier is ready to take on all the battles that come her way. Once again, out in the open, fighter mode on 🙂
P.S: Another post coming on next(in a bit 🙂 Yup, mind and creative spirit is in over drive these days or something.)

Nightmare


A smile like waves in an ocean
A laugh, setting fire in water
Consuming me whole….
My body and soul…..
I wake up with a start; shaking
From my nightmare, that’s love
Destructive, combustible, chaotic
Joined with my name, this shame
Eating away my spirit, my bane
No help, no aid, no healing touch
Just pain and an everlasting wait….

Diary entry 95


Dear diary,
I’ve been up all night trying to study but instead having fun with my bestie. News of a strike were buzzing in the air all day and night. By the time it was 06:30 am, it felt something like strike was on so I went out too (Chloe went to sleep). But when me and some other hostel fellows reached male campus girls were retreating. We saw two or three buses entering university and girls came running back towards female campus, shouting block the campus,shut the doors and don’t alert the guards,keep silent. . . . . .blah,blah,blah. . . . .(Nope I’m not against you girls. I was there because I wanted to be. But there is something called management. We should all learn a bit of it at least!) Anyway, strike seemed an epic fail initially. What with the meager strength and lack of discipline. So I called my bestie at 08:00am to let her know that paper was on. Reluctantly she came to campus and saw a big crowd of day scholars and hostelites outside university blocks.
What happened today. . . . .
Well, yesterday, about 15 security guards entered female hostel block and threw a girl’s belongings out in open,assaulting her both physically and verbally (this has been happening from some past days.They are literally throwing out girls). And today some female students came out to condemn the act and they were abused verbally and some got beaten by the guards. Hearing this, those girls who were in hostel to study for their final exam came out to help out their sisters. And alhamdulillah some day scholars came and joined forces with hostel students and fought for our rights and our honour.
A big thank you to those brave girls who helped us. Our paper got postponed as my class showed unity (for the very first time in 2 and a half years)and sat out the paper time 😉 Management tried to force girls to give up and some of them were giving orders to guards to beat the girls if they have to. Seeing the chaos, lady police officers were summoned. There’s been an F.I.R filed against Provost and today was the hearing in court that Provost missed (I hope she is forced to resign for rusticating those innocent students,for snubbing our voices,for ordering assault of students by security guards,for being lying hypocritical . . . .ahem,ahem.Yeah! ).
The girl they expelled yesterday night was a PhD Scholar and hearing the unfortunate news, her father got a heart attack. Some mixed news are vibrating that he is serious and some say he died. University Administration isn’t allowing any Media to do the event coverage. Payed them off. Lets see how long are you able to keep our voices down. There will be a time when we would be able to say “On your faces,administration and the so-called disciplinary committee!”
Male population (or some of them) were promising they would make history and they would help their sisters. . . . .blah,blah,blah. Remind me again,why didn’t I trust even a single word you said yesterday :-/ Seriously guys,if you don’t wanna help,then don’t! Just stop acting like hypocrites! We already have enough on our hands,don’t need any more to worry about. Thank You very much!!!
Anyway,I’m too tired to go on right now.
Later,will try to upload the video Chloe just made. It’s a talk between Female DIG (if I’m not wrong),Provost and students.
Right now I need to get some sleep…….

P.S:I dunno why I keep awake on the exact night of strike and then tire myself :-/ I hate you,”Me!”

Diary entry 92


Dear diary,
it was a fun day yesterday. Enjoyed a LOT. Went out with my bestie only to find………well, lemme start from the start 🙂

The strike I was talking about, some time ago, I was a part of it. In fact I was one of those few people who helped make the initial head count, one of those who fought on the frontline. We were among the first soldiers. Without even an hour of night sleep, when girls came to tell at 04:00 am that strike was on, I left my warm bed with my bestie and got to hostel entrance. By the time I reached the Hostel door, it was open and the credit goes to none other than my bestie- Chloe 🙂

Side by side we marched in extreme cold night towards our destination-University Gates(Management thought that if they will park the buses in old campus of our university there wont be any strike. Well on your face management!!! :p ). On our way, met some girls from other hostel blocks and joined them. When we reached first gate, it was already blocked by our fellows so we proceeded to the next one. Same situation there too. So we went on to the 3rd gate. That was our stop. Some others went to the 4th one to block it. Stood in that extreme cold for 6 hours, stopped at least 6-8 university buses which included an employee bus and both male and female student buses. Had lots of fun while waiting for University Management to come down there and listen to our demands.
By the way, by our university laws, it’s illegal to participate in any strike but to hell with rules when they are to snub our voices when we are right!
Anyway, the very next day one of our demands was met and (alas! I missed the big moment as I had already gone to my roomie’s place to have some fun.) Girls saw one of the wardens (who used abusive language with girls) leave and celebrated in delight.
The rule that said that we had to pay a fixed mess bill amount of Rs 5,000 and the rule of hostel entry time to be 5 pm were over ruled too.
And then came revenge time!
Now university management is taking action against female participants of the strike as strike was illegal and things got out of hand a little when males joined females on one gate. Stuff happened that shouldn’t have happened. Not on the side I was but on the exact opposite side. But still wrong things are wrong, no matter who does them.
Anyway, Management is sending letters to homes of girls who were a part of the strike-or at least those whom they know 😉 Some seats have been cancelled and yet again misbehaviour with those girls, it’s condemnable. The way they are throwing belongings of those few girls out, this is not the right way to deal with stuff like this. Remind me again, why did we come to a university?!
Anyway, back to where I started from. I was going out with Chloe when we saw some girls standing and blocking the gate. We went closer and found out that girls are on strike yet again. This time, against the disciplinary action taken by the management and their misbehaviour. Saw a media person taking their interview, yet again. Anyway, we were in a hurry so had to take a longer alternate route to get outside university premises. Had a lovely time with her. The chat and work and shopping…………… By the time we were actually free it was very late (happening from past two nights). I told her, if we are late today we are writing Chloe and Kara instead of our real names and then make a super girl sign instead of actual signatures and will write Krypton on place of place from where we came 😉

Did just that. Chloe stopped to take pictures and guard uncle came to investigate. He asked if we wrote wrong names. And Chloe replied “For the very First time we wrote our actual names.”
Gave me a big laugh.
Anyway, a day spent enjoying, is a day well spent!
Love to be with you Chloe. Cherish every moment of our time together-today, tomorrow and always!

P.S: It’s almost 7 am and Chloe just showed me her cute friend from India. Nice chat dude and nice to finally put a face to your most often heard name.