Diary Entry: That Dark Place


Dear diary,

I have started sucking pretty badly in singing. I was ashamed to hear my own recording today when I tried. I cant blame the karaoke app. Or can I?!

Anyway, I’m dwelling in my dark place where I have a lot of stuff going on inside my head but too little going outside it. I lie in bed all day, wasting precious time and doing absolutely nothing. I need an escape from Lahore-it’s very essential these days. I don’t want to go home because of all the marriage talk mum tries to do with me every single time I go back. I mean, how hard is it to understand that I don’t want to get married to engineers employed somewhere in the middle east? Or that I don’t want to get married, period!

Sometimes, when I’m in a very perceptive mood, one thought crosses my mind. What if, my history of always falling for the wrong people is the reason of my aversion? Would I ever be able to move on with my life? Or would I keep looking towards those friends of mine who actually got married and their lives after marriage didn’t turn “Oh-so-well”? And then there’s one very stupidly disturbing thought-I don’t want to grow up!

I’m serious! I don’t. And in my mind, marriage brings responsibilities and it means that now you have to be a grown up and handle kids of your own. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and would love to have one or two of my own some day but for now, I wish to accomplish something in life. I want to be an independent female before I tie the knot.

Oh, and not to forget, I need to be able to like some person enough to be able to persuade my stupid mind to actually want to marry him. And believe me, I would raise all hell if I have to, just to get to know the person who gets to marry me-if he gets to marry me.

Anyway, marriage isn’t the real reason of my writing today. I’ve hit a writer’s block and I’ve stopped updating my novel. There are just too many scenarios bugging me, keeping me restless and pinching me but whenever I try to pen them down, or in this case, type, I hit a blockage. I don’t know how long it would last and why I keep thinking of dark stuff. I need to cool off. Need a distraction. Something to drag me back to my original track. Perhaps a trip to Islamabad….. (Yeah, I wish! But mum never permits :/ )

My desperation for a change of scenario has resulted in my withdrawal from people and frustration. I want to bite people’s heads off when they try to talk to me. I want to yell at them for no reason and I’m just hating them for not understanding. My palpitations are back but even after ma’am suggested me to go see a doctor, I told her I don’t want to. I have started acting out with the people I love and after doing that, I feel guilty. So this self-destruction mode isn’t helping me at ALL!

I’m hoping that writing about it now, would lessen the intensity of insanity I’m experiencing these day because I don’t know what else to do.

 

P.S: And no, I still don’t wanna go to the doctor :/

Things That I Know To Be True……


*Fighting depression isn’t easy. I came to know it the hard way! Tears are even harder to stop when they want to get out. I know it because it’s my job to know. And it’s something I undergo, on most normal days now. A psychologist, fighting Depression, have you ever heard that before? But Psychologists are people too, very much alive, sensitive to environment and emotions. Psychologists get depressed too. I know because I’m going through it right now.
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*I know that Allah is my biggest help against everything negative I feel. He is the only sincere friend who will stay by my side even if the whole world decides to turn against me. I trust Him to help.
*I know that bad times will go away as swiftly as they came. And that I’m strong enough to wait a little longer to get better. I deserve as much to be saved as the next person. Nobody can save me except ME, and I’m on it already!
*I know that “She” is still infatuated with him and he doesn’t deserve her. But she still asks for him when it rains,when she prays, when she’s sad and needs a hug, when her demons become bigger than the ones she’s capable to fight-when she needs her knight in shiny armor, during her journeys, at night, in the morning…..

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*I know, running or playing with the kids helps relieve stress and so does singing on the top of my lungs. I need to do that more often.
*The things that I know to have helped me during my stress:
>writing
>running
>playing with children
>singing(nasheeds or songs)
>Recitation of Qur’an
>talking to my friends
>sketching(sometimes)
>helping others
>lying down in my room in complete silence and thinking nothing
>silence
>closing my eyes and thinking about things that make me happy.
>Prayers
>teaching Qur’an to my students.
>listening to recitation.
>challenging myself
>the thought that things are going to change
>Oh, the rare chances of practicing my driving.
>knowing that I still have some sincere people in my life.
>reading, sometimes
>my teddy bear
>going home and getting a hug from my mum and little sister
>my little brother’s humor
>planning for a friends reunion….
*I have know it to be true….. that if you want to change your situation, nature helps you to do it. My environment helped me a LOT. And the thought that “I’m stronger than my problems,” and the ayah from Surah Baqarah(2:285) that says that Allah doesn’t put more burden on His servants than they can bear, these two things kept me from crumbling down and shut down my self-destruct mode that depression switched on.
* When I started writing this post I was under a full blown depressive episode and Migraine attack. And as I finish it today(after a break of almost a week or perhaps more), I am more stable and I haven’t had migraine since yesterday.
*I know for sure,that if depression couldn’t break me,and it did try;it can’t break anyone. We do that to ourselves-all that breaking and collapsing. I know I love myself and I love to be happy,so I try to be. Being positive is the key. My depression made me more determined and stubborn. Instead of breaking me, it made me even stronger!
*I know, if I can manage to defeat it, so can anyone and everyone else who is suffering from this plague!

Diary entry 120


Dear diary,
I found speech recognition in my laptop today. It’s like a dream come true. Some time back I told you I saw a movie called “Her” and I told you that I was kinda jealous that the guy had the most perfect job,dictating love letters to his computer and sending them to people signed from their loved ones. Well,I had no idea I would find one such thing right here and that too not long after. Wow! I’m still spellbound. Trying it has been a lot of fun. It keeps misunderstanding me.I was just testing it earlier today so I half sang to my laptop (yeah,it would’ve looked absurd but thank goodness, I was alone in my room.) Look what I narrated and what my lappie understood:
I said “how many times do I have to tell you,even when you’re crying, you’re beautiful too. The world keeps beating you down, I’m around through every move. You’re my downfall,you’re my muse,my worst distraction,my rhythms and blues. Cant stop singin’ its ringin’ in my head for you” and it wrote ‘how many times do I have to tell you even when you try your beautiful to Dora keeps beating you down on the ranch two every move here my downfall of your menus my worst distraction my rhythm and blues cap stocks sending castoffs thinking it’s raining in my head for you’
Gave me a laugh that I’ve been missing for some time.
I have been listening to a song, obsessing over it actually. It’s “too late to apologize by Justin Timeberlake.” I’m reminded of my past whenever I listen to it(radio days). My time of innocence. Oh no,I wasn’t too innocent then but at least I wasn’t the way I am now. Raw passion and words- that was the time when I started to write. I haven’t exactly stopped after that. Just small breaks-sometimes not too small breaks too.
Anyway, I’ve been killing my throat by trying to sing “Kabhi Shaam Dhale to mere dil me aa jana from movie Sur.” And guess what,my roommates tried to join me too. It was fun. I wish I could record the whole thing and keep it or even post it here. Can’t exactly call them bloopers but it was all extremely hilarious.
Goldie tried to teach me tango steps. I have to say, I must be the worst dancer there could ever be. And you know why? Because I don’t try hard enough and because I am kinda shy when it comes to dancing. So if I have to learn,I have to stop being shy(yeah,I know,I know!)
Something amazing just happened. I started writing this diary yesterday and I’m still writing 🙂 Oh no,this isn’t the amazing part. I just talked with a friend of my roommate from Kenya in Urdu so fluent that my mind still refuses to accept that he’s from Kenya. Wow,seriously! And his “really” reminded me of a DJ friend of mine,so soft and so sweet. His style of speech resembled that of any Pakistani DJ reciting poetry in late night shows,mellow and clear with a slight hint of Pushto speakers. (I’m kinda feeling ashamed that my Urdu isn’t that good.) But it was a great experience. Didn’t feel like I was speaking to a total stranger.
My driving lesson last time went great. 3rd time behind the wheel and I was already driving without supervision. I hope I start on an actual road as quickly as understood the instructions and put them to work. I’m hopeful.
Finals are just around the corner. Have a quiz in the morning for which I haven’t prepared again. But that’s the usual me.
Both besties still giving me a hard time. I dunno if I would ever get used to it. Losing either one isn’t an option. No,I’m not gonna do that. No matter what.
Before I go,I’m gonna talk about a third song(Wow,someone tell me what’s happening.3 songs in one post…..) Its lyrics are what caught my attention. Loved them. The whole song is amazing. I can’t decide what part to keep and what part to skip. So here it goes:
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything
I can do it
I’ll get through it
But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

Just a little human
I can take so much
‘Til I’ve had enough
‘Cause I’m only human…..
No more words,its self-explanatory. Gotta hit the bed if. . . .if I wanna wake up in time for my classes.

Buonanotte!

diary entry 36


Dear diary,

My presentation got postponed to tomorrow.

I have been repressing my ability to sing from past four or more years so its become too rusty. And today’s competition was an eye-opening event. My mum pushed me to participate but I’m kinda glad because I had a great and educating day. I’m not in a small city anymore. Big city, bigger challenges. And I have embraced this with my whole heart. Winning a prize has never been my reason to compete, it’s the winning of hearts that matters. I didn’t win and I’m not going to whine about it(I’ve had my fair share of winning so there ain’t a reason to whine about) because after today, I have to say, so many people are so much better than me out there. And its feels so great not winning for a change and knowing that someone who really deserved, got her chance at winning.

Here, I’d like to thank my mum who pushes me to participate, who stands beside me giving me strength to go on, who takes me back on track when my steps are not sure and who stands proud when I win and tells me I can do anything if I put my mind to it when I’m feeling blue. There’s so much to thank you for. And to my friends, who stay with me, in my good times and stick with me in the bad ones,to make them better. . . . . . . . .

Okay, I wasn’t planning to write so much today. I’m tired and have a quiz and presentation tomorrow which I haven’t even started to prepare yet(I know you are not thinking:”wow that’s a shocker!”), so I’ll go now.

Ma’as salamah!

diary entry 34


Dear diary,

I need to study management for an assignment and quiz but power is out for an hour. I was drawing the curtain when my sick Kenyan roommate stopped me. She needed to be warm and I wasn’t helping. I told her that I have to study. She fell quiet. Now I feel so bad that I closed the curtains and decided to wait for the light to come back.

Last night was one amazing night. I talked to someone who knew me from my childhood. A van fellow. So many memories came back flooding. It was like reliving those days. We used to play a game in which a team of girls would compete against the guys of my van. We each had to give a letter to other team and they had to sing a song starting with that letter. A solid hour would pass in that game before my stop and still we all wanted to keep going every day.

I remember, narrating Harry Potter novel to my fellows, singing Titanic theme song on the way home and in summer we used to fill our water bottles and throw water on van driver and whoever sat in front seat with him. But nothing can compare the joy of sitting on the roof of the van 😉 (Yeah, I used to do that too!)

*sigh*

It was one helluva time we spent, an adventurous childhood, even the thought of which is enough to spread smile across our faces.

Well, thanks to the person who helped me relive those moments.

*sigh*

(This one is for management!)

Time myself in my book.

Adieu.

 

talented or abmormal?


Mic in my right hand,just like my music teacher once taught me to hold, in the mid of the stage,swaying with the rhythm of piano,once again I stand,ready to play my part.There’s no looking back now,I’m just being who I am,I’m being myself.there’s no turning back for this time I’ve come so far.

*sigh*

At last!!!  And here’s my cue,my turn to sing,to speak my heart out aloud.No shivering,no fear-my body is temporarily immune to such sensations.I’m feeling nothing but the passion,the urge to put my inner self into words and to dance with the beat as if nobody is watching me.I’m all alert,concentrating all my bodily powers and all my mental energies on this one point,into achieving this one goal.So,here’s the trade secret-I’m putting the whole of my existence into my voice today because I’ve realized that I’m second to none,I’m unique and I know it now.So,here I am,and I’ve come here to win.No,I’m not competing anyone,this isn’t even a competition,but I have to win-the hearts of my listeners.I have to win the acceptance certificate.I know I can do this-

“Its okay.Hey,you’ve done this before,haven’t you?”

Yeah,I can absolutely do this.

But can I do it right???!!!

Oh,I know there’s no time to reason,no way to get out now,so,here I go . . . . . . . . . . I took a deep breath,slowly raised my eyes and leveled them with my audience,took slow steps and I was once again in spotlight ,welcomed with a loud applause.I flashed my smile and first words poured from my mouth. “Let the music play DJ, my emotions,let them flow. In the form of this ballad, my love today,I’ll show . . . . .” And then there was no stopping.My heart didn’t miss a beat and before long I was scattering my charm,the music following my lead.Perfect!Better than I ever thought,was possible.A little more persuasion,and the night and stage would be all mine! So,I took help from some gestures and I could feel every heart following me. A sudden change in tempo of music,a little upbeat mode and soon my audience was singing with me-my first original song.I was astonished how quickly they learnt  the chorus.So,I knew where all this was going.That was my chance to takeover before I quit singing and I availed it fully,to have no regrets later.I did my job exceptionally well. I sang on the top of my voice,allowing myself to be carried away for the very first time in my life.I felt so light as if I was flying on the beats.And most importantly,I felt alive! So long,I had been busy to suppress the singer inside me,trying to pretend that I was normal,that I perfectly fit into this world of normal people.But I didn’t realize that I was trying to deny my own existence .I’m glad though,for not giving up long ago.I’m glad,I didn’t let the craving inside me die.I’m happy for letting my unfulfilled passion to kill me form inside,for dying with it helped me to live for it,teaching me to break free from my self-built dungeons. How was I supposed to unveil my hidden obsession for singing without dying for it first?how could I reach the climax of my ecstasy without reaching the depth of my insanity?How could’ve I found the art of ‘sensational-singing’,without exploring it,before experiencing the inner need for it? Oh yeah,it was a dream,a beautiful one at that,but I would never ruin it by saying that with cheers and applause,my eyes opened to the reality,and braced myself in my bed-to finally face the reality.But lemme tell you one thing,dreams  dreamt  with open eyes never die,thats the beauty of it.Since my eyes didn’t open to the real world(apparently they were open already)so I was once again ready to enjoy my current status in the world-the status of an OUTCAST!!!!