Diary Entry:Promises

Dear diary,

for once I didn’t have to think hard to choose a title for my post. It’s a biggie in my world, where I totally suck at picking titles. Anyway, I was just sitting idle, thinking about my teacher, whom by the way I love but who isn’t talking to me for some days now. She’s pissed at me or walking for an hour and ending up with blisters on my feet, which by the way, have healed. But she’s still pissed. And I don’t know if there is more that’s been fueling her anger. She talks to me fine when we are around each other in the university but she’s been on constant one or two syllable replies when I try to talk her to open the flood gates. I know I deserve a good scolding. That’s something I can deal with. The silence is just something I can’t take and digest. But boy! is she stubborn!!!
Well, I get it, she’s giving me a taste of my own medicine. But I would never hold out on someone for so long. It’s been a week now. And as simple as that, I miss her. I miss her very very much. I miss talking to her, laughing with her, pulling goofy jokes at her, just to see her smile one more time or imagine her smiling. She has the most wonderful smile. She’s beautiful in her own cheeky way.
And I miss her! All the time. I actually feel down right now, and sort of upset on not being able to talk to her, even though I realize that now that she is the head of department, she is even more busy than before and she’s already a workaholic too. But I miss her so badly.
Now I know why my mum keeps lecturing me about not coming off as too intense. I get it, perfectly well. I guess love and I, we don’t go well together. And yes she is stubborn but I’m the Queen of stubbornness. I won’t give up on her. At least, I don’t plan on it. And for an nth time, I don’t know what to do…….
This reminds me of one of my patients. We are not actually allowed to talk about them but I guess he won’t mind because he’s such a good kid. Well, his father told me during an interview that this kid is amazing when it comes to giving advise. His ideas are sincere and well thought and foolproof. But the kid complained that he can’t decide stuff for his own self. He kept thinking that his decisions would mess things up. I feel like him right now. I mean, not that I’m claiming that I’m good at giving advice but the next part. I’m sucking right now, at telling myself what to do next. And I have a case report to formulate. I have no desire to work on it and no motivation either. Even though I know it’s due tomorrow. I guess I’ll just eat dinner and go to sleep and freakout in the morning- again!
Guess it’s Ciao for now.

I’d be the picture I paint myself.

I stopped talking a long time ago.Surprisingly people so try to change you for what you actually are.They won’t ever stop at anything.They want to see you the way they like to picture you.For instance,my mother wants to see me in pretty clothes,a great hair-do and makeover and stuff that all girls dream of all the time and put a lot of efforts into doing.Why is it so-I sometimes asked her and you know what she told me every time-that I want my children to look super all the time.I like to see you dress up.

When all I see is the wish that someday some guy would maybe love the looks of me and the great manners that she has taught me and ask for my hand in marriage and she’d marry me off with him(hah!that would remove some burden off her shoulders!).But would she stop for a second and ask me what I want?No!because I don’t think straight,do I?

So,this plan entirely goes down the drain because I’m not looking forward to marrying someone who doesn’t love me for me.I don’t want to give myself to someone who doesn’t knows the real me and claims to love the fake me-I WON’T!

And then there’s other people that come to know about my excellent mind-or so they say it.You are creative or at least try to be and people start thinking you can do anything-literally ANYTHING!!!

I couldn’t tell them that I wasn’t almighty but there was an almighty-so you can go to Him and ask for all the wonders you expect me to do for you!

In short,people-including my family,won’t give me a break so I decided that I didn’t want to take it anymore.

I had read somewhere:Silence is your best weapon!

And I don’t speak anymore.I don’t argue like I used to,no moot discussions any more.And let me tell you,I’m so happy since then.People did try to make me talk but I wouldn’t budge,Didn’t have it in me anymore.And then there came a time when I even forgot how my voice sounded.

Those who remember my voice say it was sweet as honey and melodious.But if embracing the silence means I get to shape myself as I wanted to be,’m glad I did what I did!

Finally I can paint my own image of what I want myself to look like.Finally I can fill my picture with the colours of my OWN choice!