Diary Entry:In Memory of A lost Soul


Dear diary,
I lost my Pakistani roommate and friend to Poison on Tuesday, January 20,2015. What’s more shocking is that I left her the evening before, in hostel, so cheerful and positive. And what hurts is, that I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye properly because I was getting late for my bus to Rawalpindi. Regrets, regrets and more regrets…… with guilt splashed here and there. What’s even worse is that I haven’t been able to see her for the last time before her burial because of my exam that evening.
Parents and students are afraid, at least those who know about the matter. Curious people kept flooding to my room to investigate, pretending that they feel so bad about her death even though they don’t have a clue of who she was! (Yeah, that’s super-infuriating!!!)
Last time I think I complained about life being boring, and now the kind of excitement I have, I don’t want any piece of it.
One final and viva is left then I would be free from university again In sha Allah, for a couple of days. Then I will have to actually focus on packing my bags from AFIC Mess and shifting them back to my aunt’s place and then the internship itself. As if submitting cases to my university wasn’t enough, which by the way, we have to submit by Monday, we have to submit a case in AFIMH too, before it ends.
(As if, our life wasn’t bad enough!)
I haven’t been able to go back to my home for more than a month and it doesn’t seem like I will be able to, except for a weekend. I, sometimes wonder, if all this sacrifice is worth it…. Because I don’t know how much time I have got and how much time my beloveds have. A sudden death like that of my friend isn’t an uncommon thing. And honestly, I’m terrified of dying without any reason. I want my life as well as my death to have a purpose that helps someone at least. I know the worth of my life; I want my death to be worthy too!
Anyway, back to my old whiney and boring self now. Of course I have lots and lots of things to say but all those things would need my concentration and motivation to come out of the “mind-box” where I hoard them. And I’m not feeling particularly motivated to write any more. Plus I have to prepare for my exam :/ not something I like very much to do. But time is pretty crucial these days and I need to focus….

Till next time…
Hasta Lavista!!!

Diary entry 103


Dear diary,
my hormones make me edgy these days,more often than not. People think I act weird. But I think I’m finally learning to be a female. The darker side, the unruly emotional side. Nope,it’s not cute,it’s not charming. Its irritates me to the bones. Like I said,I’m edgy most of the time. I say things,not meaning to,and hurt people I love,people close to my heart. I would deny it. It’s not me doing all this,no,it’s not. But what use is my denial when I know the truth is that it’s all me.
The truth is,at times,I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t recognize this girl with a sharp tongue,wounding hearts of countless with little effort. I mean,I have always been good at fighting. And the blood running through my veins sure has a legacy. Being a warrior is what I have known all my life. But the truth is,I hurt inside. Somewhere deep down. The warrior sometimes stops to take a breath,to renew its strength. And that moment of rest,it half kills me. The temper tantrums are exhausting. But do you know whats more exhausting?! Not letting the lava out. Keeping it inside. Fearing,it would burn the ones I love,when they are the reason that lava exists in the 1st place. I keep letting myself burn and let my fear of losing my loved ones eat me away.
I know I need to stop. I know I need to let things out. But I guess a warrior doesn’t only has to sacrifice his life.1st come the sacrifice of feelings.
Nope,I’m not gonna say I’m good at it. I whine here all the time. But this is the thing about sacrifice of a warrior,like waiting,it never ends. You spend your whole life learning to let go of things,to sacrifice your feelings. Every time you come to think you have mastered the skill. But the truth is,every time the hurt is even greater than the last time. The gash,the wound is deeper than ever before.
And then there are times when you can’t justify or explain your actions. Like just now,I cant explain why am I writing all this stuff.I want to,but I have no idea why. All I feel is,like there is a big hole inside,getting bigger and darker with every passing second.
But one thing I know for sure,my moment of distress will pass soon enough.I’ll be okay.I mean,I always am,in the end.So why whine. . . .
I better get some sleep now.Its late
Gutentag