Diary Entry:In Memory of A lost Soul

Dear diary,
I lost my Pakistani roommate and friend to Poison on Tuesday, January 20,2015. What’s more shocking is that I left her the evening before, in hostel, so cheerful and positive. And what hurts is, that I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye properly because I was getting late for my bus to Rawalpindi. Regrets, regrets and more regrets…… with guilt splashed here and there. What’s even worse is that I haven’t been able to see her for the last time before her burial because of my exam that evening.
Parents and students are afraid, at least those who know about the matter. Curious people kept flooding to my room to investigate, pretending that they feel so bad about her death even though they don’t have a clue of who she was! (Yeah, that’s super-infuriating!!!)
Last time I think I complained about life being boring, and now the kind of excitement I have, I don’t want any piece of it.
One final and viva is left then I would be free from university again In sha Allah, for a couple of days. Then I will have to actually focus on packing my bags from AFIC Mess and shifting them back to my aunt’s place and then the internship itself. As if submitting cases to my university wasn’t enough, which by the way, we have to submit by Monday, we have to submit a case in AFIMH too, before it ends.
(As if, our life wasn’t bad enough!)
I haven’t been able to go back to my home for more than a month and it doesn’t seem like I will be able to, except for a weekend. I, sometimes wonder, if all this sacrifice is worth it…. Because I don’t know how much time I have got and how much time my beloveds have. A sudden death like that of my friend isn’t an uncommon thing. And honestly, I’m terrified of dying without any reason. I want my life as well as my death to have a purpose that helps someone at least. I know the worth of my life; I want my death to be worthy too!
Anyway, back to my old whiney and boring self now. Of course I have lots and lots of things to say but all those things would need my concentration and motivation to come out of the “mind-box” where I hoard them. And I’m not feeling particularly motivated to write any more. Plus I have to prepare for my exam :/ not something I like very much to do. But time is pretty crucial these days and I need to focus….

Till next time…
Hasta Lavista!!!

Diary entry 63

Dear diary,

Have you ever regretted anything you ever said or did?(I know you can’t you are a diary!) well, I do. When people asked me yesterday how was I feeling, I told them “great” or “much better.” I wish they could’ve asked me last night. Or even now. The pain returned with more force and is still making me uncomfortable. And this time my whole body hurts bad!

(But still I’m not gonna miss my classes, not today.)
I’m tired of sitting or lying in my room, waiting for a miracle to happen in my life. Tired of myself!
Life is losing its colours. Everything is losing its attraction.
Am I going insane?

I feel like crying, at odd times and smile when all I feel inside is void. This emptiness nagging at me. I want this to be over. I want this to end soon. Its already taken hold of my heart.
Yeah, I know I call myself a warrior and I’m not giving up on myself, not now, not ever. I know I would find a way to end this all.
Thankfully the topic in my Mass Communication class today was similar to the problems I’m having.

According to my teacher, frustration isn’t a permanent condition. She says the brisk walking and/or reading makes frustration go away. I gotta try this. I’m definitely gonna try it!
One more thing she wanted us to do is erase

  • If
  • Then
  • No
  • This thing is hard

If you come to think of it, life becomes a lot more easier if you take these four things out of it.

I’m happy now, that my teacher thinks that people who are fighters and warriors inside are best people. Besides, pain helps one to be stronger.
So, no more negative thoughts or feelings(for now 😉 )

Gotta go