Reflections


Sometimes, a teacher learns from a student; a patient heals the healer, and imperfection saves your life…..

And sometimes, you don’t learn from your own mistakes, you don’t save yourself enough. You give out too much, keeping nothing for your own self. Falling in love again, after nursing a broken heart is brave but always ending up giving that love to the wrong persons, thats where bravery ends. For I read somewhere that the amount of love you give out today is the amount of hurt you sign yourself up for. And most often than not, the things that we love the most are the things that hurt us the most.

This post was not supposed to be this way but every single time that I’ve hurt anyone I love, has been a time when I hurt myself even more. I’m not the self destructive type, don’t get me wrong. I do some other kind of destruction, or rather my mind does. Sleepless nights, spent tossing and turning, crying behind closed doors, wanting to eat but even the thought of food making me nauseous, drawing or writing or even singing to try to control the pressure building inside…….

Why do I do it? Today I asked myself. And I’m not surprised at all, I didn’t have any answer.

“I just do-it’s just the way I am!”

I’m getting tired of this stupid, lame excuse!!!
I know myself, I can ignore people when I get tired of too much human interaction but I would never be able to ignore anyone out of anger. But this is me…… my heart just melts too easy. I’m the girl, who always ends up fighting for the wrong people and for all the wrong reasons. That’s who I was and that’s who I am. Guess, some things just never change……..

Stuck, Blocked, Scarred But Moving


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It’s one of those days when I can’t think of a decent title for the post I want to write. Well, that’s most of my days anyway. Choosing title isn’t my kinda thing really but things get annoying when I keep getting a cluster of random thoughts. Life is tiresome already, without a thousand random, unrelated thoughts bombarding my mind all the time. I’ve been meaning to write time and again, but didn’t get enough time to do so. And at other times, I was just too tired and sleep deprived to write or even think about writing. And then there are these frequently non-creative days when my writer’s block hits and keeps me asleep, creatively.
I’m writing tonight because I so much want to and because I had some little time to rest today. It’s taking some effort to make sense even to myself but I’m trying to pen down whatever comes into my mind. I won’t recheck it or reread it to pick out mistakes. Tonight is my night to be completely random and senseless and free.
I’ve been having these heart racing issues ever since I’ve stopped thinking about my fairy-tale. It’s not that I don’t want it, I do, even after being denied of it time and again, with all my heart-that might be one reason that my heart is giving out. Perhaps it’s tired of all the nonsense that I always put it through. Anyway, it would probably have looked cute if it was just a story and not a real life issue. An issue, which is so elusive that even the doctors are finding it hard to find the root cause and cure. I’m not dodging my doctors. Of course unrequited love is like jumping into dangerous waters, and I did, even though I knew, I couldn’t swim. But I’m not depressed, not anxious, not stressed not even down. If I knew one thing before falling in love, it was that I can control my thoughts. And so I did. No more wishful thinking, no more obsessions about creative twists that my life could have taken. In fact, no more missing my loved ones. Not even a small thought, stealthily slipping into my mind- nil, nada! And studies aren’t tough. Or, maybe I should say, I’m not finding them tough ’cause, honestly, I don’t bother studying at all, still I’m scoring good. Of course, if I actually do study, I can easily ace my classes. Even without putting any efforts, I’m doing better than 90% of my class. CMH is going great too, alhamdulillah! It’s like suddenly I’m working, with all my heart even though I’m not. The routine is tiresome- hard hours, not as hard as doctors but still, harder than they ever were before. But I know one thing for sure, it can’t get any harder and it will take a LOT more than this hard routine and continuous sickness to put me down. And thanks to this routine, I can focus my mind more than I could ever before, on the task at hand. No time to think about the things that were so important to me two weeks ago.
I never went through any emotional breakdown either. I have never EVER found myself so calm before, in a situation where any other girl would probably be an invalid by now. Some day, I want people to look at me and say with wonder in their eyes and a smile playing on their lips, “You don’t give up, do you?!” And I want that to be the reality of my existence.
My cell is stoned and I don’t know how I’m not freaking out about it for past 4 days. I never thought I would be able to live without whatsapp or telegram or other kinds of social media. Turns out, I miss my pdf files on my cell more than the social media. Sometimes, even I amaze myself.
I have no idea I why named my post “stuck, blocked, scarred but moving”. Beats me…..
Time to sleep….