For the last time


imagesShe kept looking on his retreating back for as long as the dark, empty night would let her. Her once deep,lively eyes were shallow and empty, like death itself. They seemed to be looking at far away places.
Even after his lean body was out of sight, she kept staring into nothingness for a long time. Seconds, minutes, hours. . . . . she didn’t know how long she had been standing there, frozen. She felt like she had been robbed off something very important. But what was it? What could it be? That’s something she was having difficulty figuring out. Her mind refused to think or provide any answers. She felt numb, life-less, cold. . . . . stone-cold.
It was starting to rain. A little drop here and a drop there. A drop on her pale, blood-drained face. Snapping back to reality, she put her one bare foot in front of the other. On touching the soft carpet of thick grass under her feet, she felt so weak, so helpless, so little. Her footing was so unsure and yet she knew she had to keep moving for as long as her legs would carry her. Right foot, left then right and left. She didn’t go far. Couldn’t go far. Every single step she took, seemed more difficult than the one before.
She stumbled, her legs too weak to carry her any further. No, she wasn’t someone with a heavy frame. She was small yet strong, built for brave stuff. Running, a lot of running perhaps. And her brain…..her brain, clearly it was meant for a far greater purposes than she realized.
she stumbled again. This time, her knees meeting the ground. Resigned, she didn’t try to get up. A tear escaped her eyes and another…..a scream building inside her.
The rain, getting strong by the minute drenching her to the bones. Her tears,an unending stream. Numbness,leaving her body as awareness took its place. Soaked completely,crying hard, she put her now throbbing head down on the soft blades of grass,wishing for death to come and take a hold of her at that particular moment. But she knew, it wasn’t her time to die. She had to fulfill her true purpose of life yet, whatever that purpose was. So she let her tears flow openly. Crying, for the last time, without shame, for every single person who left her in the past and the present,everyone who never tried to stick with her for long enough to know her well. Everyone who took a part of her with them as they went. As tears left her eyes, she felt as if every part of herself she ever lost, it was coming back to her. So slowly and gradually she became whole again. One by one, she kept burning her memories. Tears kept flowing until she felt complete again, void of any hurt. Empty,yet whole again. Her eyes felt puffy and ached, her whole body cold and wet. It was time to be brave and go home. So she stood up, this time without any difficulty, without any shackles of her past creating any difficulty for her. Slowly she walked back to her door,got inside her home, that reeked of solitude, but felt like some place she actually belonged. Closing the door behind her, she closed the door of misery, extricating herself from her self-made problems. She knew, it was the start of something new and she was ready, ready to face whatever was to come next………

Diary entry 106


Dear diary,
it’s been raining, hard, and it’s a complete guess. I haven’t been outside after I finished my classes and fee submission tasks, which exhausted me, by the way. Uni life is good but exhausting, that’s for sure. Most of the work is still manual. I mean the record keeping for our hostels etc. There’s a rumor that this time, they are upgrading everything. I’m sincerely hoping that it ends well.
My book addiction is back and I have started to retreat, into my books again. People sometimes bore me. I get tired of them too fast. It’s happening again. And this time I’m not worried about me.
I have been thinking and I guess soon I will be able to write something new, if I continue, but not today. My head is giving me hard time. I woke up from an uneasy sleep after hearing thunder outside. And my head just won’t stop hurting.
I better go have some rest before writing becomes more difficult. I will return as soon as I can think again and write something new.
Until then,
Chao!

Diary entry 7


Dear diary,

Its been raining all morn’ today and the heat has subsided.I believe change is good.

A dialogue from a children’s movie made me look at my childhood.

Every girl is a princess!

But looking at my past,my childhood,I didn’t see any princess in nice and lacy frocks ,with ribbons in her hair ,with her  sweet manners and lots of other princesses for friends.

Well,I can’t say I’m a neglected child ’cause the situation was entirely opposite.I’ve been the youngest child for over 7 years before my little brother came into this world.And even then I was the most attention seeking child because I was the only sister of two brothers for another 3 years.By the time I was 10,I had a beautiful little sister.

But Living with a brother who is older than you but close to your age has its own perks.I insisted on wearing clothes just like him.I had little boys for friends. . . . .

Anyway,the point is,I was never a princess-but I always was a WARRIOR-I still am!and I love it that way!I was the wild and cheeky child always,still am!

Alas,the world would never understand me,right?!

Yeah,I know I’ve been a big disappointment for mum I guess but its okay ’cause mum’s got another daughter now-who’s as much fond of fancy clothes and dressing up 🙂 my little sister is the princess at my place.She plays the part well.May she gets to marry a prince too,a prince charming at that-and may her life is filled with extreme happiness.

As for me-I’m happy being me-never afraid to show what I really feel inside.

*yawn*

Time to go to bed!

And choco dreams to you too!