Diary Entry 127


Dear diary,
it’s almost 10 pm but seems like it’s already past midnight or so. I miss Goldie but she’s in her other friend’s room. Life’s good. We had a party in our class today. There’s this teacher who, even after being informed of our plans just was so reluctant to give us some time for ourselves. I mean, her concern is kinda overwhelming. But I can’t say anything bad about her. I mean, she’s such a sweet teacher. She’s perhaps the only teacher in our whole department who still thinks something positive about our class, who defends us. And, I like it that she actually tries to tolerate us. I mean, not that we are some unruly little beasties but still. Other teachers don’t like us very much. So this is saying something I guess. (I just realized I am practically babbling by the times I used the words “I mean.” WOAH! )
Oh dear! Look at me, I’m all softie softie inside after watching a cute sentimental comedy :p yeah, even I don’t know what it is that I’m actually trying to say here. And of course I have Arijit Singh on again :/
No, I’m not breaking down, I’m okay. I really am. I just feel like dancing. And I don’t know how to dance. There’s this whole energy coursing through my veins that I wanna get rid of. And Chloe isn’t here! (*The real issue*)
Okay, I suck at letting people know my feelings and I totally hate myself for that. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that if they really love me, they won’t be bothered by me blabbing about anything I feel. I just CAN’T! You know, I’m what’s wrong with the whole wide world!!! I’m what’s wrong with this whole picture. I hide, I shun, I shut people out, I push them away. And what’s even worse is that I do it on purpose :/
I sometimes ask myself, why can’t I just be happy over silly things like everyone else does???!!! Why do things seem to have more effect on me than anyone else? I’m not a worrier, Goodness, I’m a WARRIOR!!! Why do I have difficulty getting hold of my emotions sometimes? Hell, no, I’m not worried about my past or future. It’s my present that irritates me. I wanna move and yet I lie under my sheets and watch movies, play word games, listen to one song a million times and more!
Oh yes, not to mention the yelling inside my little head. Now that I come to think of it, it’s not-so-little head. It’s got enough space to handle big crisis, for crying out loud. I yell, I snap at people, I feel like slapping them silly sometimes, I even murder them, a thousand times, in my head. I plan stuff, some very serious and dangerous stuff, I’m so calm while I take the war-front, HELL, I fight the battles of others for them and yet, what makes me insane, what drives me mad and what pushes the wilder part of me out is just a little bit of winter gloom. How’s that for a punch in the gut?! Aaarrghhh…..
Okay, okay, okay, I’m talking too much, then again, maybe not. For once in almost forever, I’m actually writing whatever is crossing my mind. I’m letting everything out. Because, even though I don’t want to say it out loud, I’m tired. I hate to admit it, but one part of me wants to quit and then there is this one other, much bigger part of me that has a frown on and wants to strike back, real hard!!!
And I guess, in the end this bigger part will win, like always, no questions asked.
Dear diary, I was so fixated on people in my life. But I’ve literally stopped caring, for some at least. It feels really great. It liberated me. And then again, I lose and find myself every day and life goes on……
Enough said for tonight I guess. Back to my boring routine slash the exciting world in my head 😉

P.S: I started writing this post around 10 but midway, Chloe came in. Didn’t wanna change anything that I initially wrote. So, here it goes 🙂

Gutentag

Diary entry 69


Dear diary,

The whole past week has been peculiar and amazing.One of my fantasies came true.I walked with bare feet from Female campus gate to my hostel room,and loved it 🙂 yeah,I know it’s a weird fantasy.But hey,I have every right to think like a dork!

Anyway,I had to make the ad project for Mass Communication in one night and still the teacher and my whole class loved it! So,I guess it was a happy ending for me. Finals start on Tuesday.I hope they end well too,because I feel as if I’m not ready in the least for the finals.

We had a party with our Anthropology teacher that I’m so glad I didn’t miss.It was so fun!

Some bad things happened too,but why waste my time in describing them when so many happy moments came in to my life.

Anyway,its time for dinner.

Hope to come back soon,again

Chao

 

Go get a life people!!!


Looking at me,some people see a stern,proud and serious face most of the time(I’m not proud or stern in the least,this I assure you.).Yeah,I have a face-and its the not-so-serious-face too but I just don’t get why all people see is pride and seriousness in it.Yeah,I get it,I may not be in my best mood most of the time-though this isn’t true but still lets say for the argument’s sake that I’m in a crappy mood,but does it give you open permission to judge me huh???!!!

You may be amazed-what happened to her so suddenly-its not sudden at all.A cousin of mine endlessly taunts me about being proud-and it has gone from annoying to enraging!.I did ask him what his problem is-nicely at first,heatedly afterwards-but to no avail.Now,I’m getting used to the idea-SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE JUST TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A HELL!!!Just because they think you are awesome and better than ’em,they would hate you!

What disturbed me was that without even actually knowing me,he was so judgmental.

I know,I don’t talk much in crowds or when my elders are around.But I’m life of the party when with my friends and my most cousins.Just because I’m fierce in dealing with things that are wrong and people (kinda)fear my rage,doesn’t mean I’m the most rude entity on the face of earth.It certainly doesn’t mean you can’t get a chance to know me.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE-I DON’T BITE!!!

And at last,to those jerks who try to judge me without actually trying to know me better first-you think I’m proud,SO BE IT!!!WOW-jealous much???!!!

I don’t care anymore!!!And yeah,I’d call a spoon a lolly-pop if I want to.Nothing I do or show is any of your business.In a toss if I say upon head I win and upon tail you lose,best not to argue-you ain’t winning.So,either you accept me the way I am,or get the hell outta my life.I’d live the way I want to-nothing you say or do can change that.

GO GET A LIFE!!!

Diary entry 6


Dear diary,
I just burnt my finger today, got dragged to an Iftar party and I just got free,at last!I was planning to write a whole account-and I didn’t want to call you any nasty names WAPDA JERKS,but believe me you’ve earned it today- and the power breakdown again!!!
Great!now I’ll just have to wait for power to come back and then post this.
In case you’re wondering which JUNGLE am I currently inhabiting-WELCOME TO PAKISTAN!!!
Yeah,I know I made it sound like I’m cursing my country.On the contrary,what I mean to tell you is that if you want to enjoy the true nature,or experience a little stone-age,we are certainly going towards it.So you are welcome to tag along!
Argghhh . . . . . . .this isn’t what I meant to write-but then again WAPDA is a mood destroyer!
’till next time-
cháo