Decieved….


Biting retorts,un-trusting mind,
wounded heart,
that’s what you left behind.
Facing future,eyes on past
questioning present
ruining myself so fast.
To hell with you and good times
doesn’t salvate you
from all your crimes.
Did you think without you beside me
that I’m nothing?
Wrong! I’m better and stronger,cant you see?
I wanted,with you,my life being spent.
Your deception,put my wish to an end.

And because I love you….


I’ll probably never see someone else the way I see you.
Oh,it breaks my heart over and over again,
That love brought some joy and a lot of pain.
I’d probably marry a successful,established man.
But,at night when I cry,
Those tears would be for you.
I would wake up,every morning,
Expecting to see your beauteous face.
And wish,that I hadn’t done so
And died in my sleep.
How could you claim you were the only one
Who felt all the love seep out?
How could something so good
Leave us so broken,so much in doubt?
I know I should make peace with what life left me
For there’s nothing but lies and deception you are capable to see

Suicidal Ideation


I want to end this life
Did I just startle you?
I don’t wanna say good-bye
Is it too like me?
It’s not something I thought of,today
Its been building inside for so long
I can’t bear it anymore
Does it sound like giving up?
Yes,you have me wrapped around your palm
One twist here,one turn there
And I am broken,crushed,mishandled
Nothing seems worth living for
Nothing fancy in life anymore
Disdain and evil,looking my way
And all the accusing glances
I wanna get over with it in one go
I wanna take the short way out
Just like the coward I am
I can’t keep your love in this heart any longer
And live with myself after betraying you
You have every right to hate me
Hell, I hate myself too.more than you can ever do
So,I don’t wanna live anymore
I want to end this life
And I want you to help me to sleep
Forever,please just this one last favour…..

Diary entry 115


Dear diary,
I don’t know what I feel right now and if I really want to feel this way or not. There is extreme happiness inside me and then there is sorrow like a shadow, darkening that happiness. I can’t figure out which emotion to express. When I decide to write about the grief and the reason why I feel down, my happiness tugs at me. And when I decide that I’m going to write about my happiness, my heart literally cries out because of the pain inside.
There is a guy, younger than me, who used to be my junior in my college, was my van fellow and used to call me his sister, for he had none of his own. His mother died of a heart attack last week. I just came to know about it yesterday. I don’t know how to react, how to comfort. This is the point where I feel the pain inside and can do nothing. Oh, I hate this feeling. Losing a mother is never easy. When I put my problems in front of me, they look so little, so feeble, so insignificant compared to his agony. Yes, I’m devastated by the news. And my friend problems, my exams and all the other problems that keep me busy, they are not even problems!
I think I have become such a whiner and I’m getting used to complaining here all the time. this is NOT good! I have to stop before it’s too late. Oh God,the pain just wont leave! :-/ I hope and pray that his mum’s soul rests in peace and Allah gives him and his family, patience.Writing is liberating for me,most of the time. It works wonders.
But not being able to say,whatever you want to say, not being able to express whatever you wish to express and not because you can’t, but because, it’s better under a veil than out in the open,it sucks, BIG time!
Maybe I should say why I was happy,too. I mean, I don’t actually have to act like a crybaby all the time. I must write about the good things too, right?!
So, here it goes…….
Another teacher of mine saw some potential in me, quite recently. And this time it’s the writer me that gave the hint. My teacher said “Nayab, after completing you BS, you should do Masters in English some day. You have the potential and you can do it easily.”
Oh yes, I am happy and even after days, these words have kept me cheerful through my days.
My days are kinda hectic and I have started sleeping too much and at most odd times. So much for a good routine. Every time I try that, it goes down the drain :-/
Tomorrow is my Research Methodologies II exam and this subject kinda sucks too. I dream of the days when this ordeal would be finally over In Sha Allah! I hope it does end very soon. I’m thinking about trying something that I have never tried before in my blog. Thinking of making next post a “picture post.”
Lets see if the idea materializes or not.
Gotta go from here to think about the next post.

P.S:Don’t forget to pray for the deceased,it’s a special request from my side.
Chao!

Diary entry 112


Dear diary,
I used to fear I would die without even learning how to drive. That’s not fair,I always thought. But today I have a new and stronger resolve. I’m gonna try my level best not to die before I learn how to drive. Off course I can’t do anything but hope that it happens as I want it to be.
Dear diary, the pain inside has kinda subsided. I still miss my family but I didn’t go home today as I decided that I should stay here and deal with my choices. The aerobatics Air show by Pakistan Air Force went down the drain. It got cancelled and my sacrifice was all for nothing. Nope, I’m still a patriot. A lazy patriot of a lazy nation. Here the weather became the deciding factor but who cares. The thing is, I wasn’t able to see the 1st air show that I wanted to see. I wasn’t able to see the premiere of Divergent because I was alone. I regretted not being home. But now I don’t feel that. I guess it happened for the best. Ain’t it what people say? Yeah. So, I’m gonna go with it too 😀
Anyway,the day was as event-less as it can possible go. But I’m learning to enjoy amidst all the solitude. And I have to say,it’s not going as well as it used to be in the past. I guess I have contracted the germs of someone who enjoys good company. I wonder who could it be.
Anyway, my body is pretty tired after doing absolutely nothing, the whole day. I wonder how I manage to get tired without even lifting an arm to do anything useful :-/
Excuse me, I should attend to myself now I guess.
See you again,if life permits!

Diary entry 111


Dear diary,
Its been too long since I wrote anything last.I have missed not writing but every time I wanted to write something, words failed me. Yeah,you guessed right. Writer’s block. I hate the feeling but have to live with it like all others do. Dear diary,I’ve been missing my little sister so  much since yesterday night. Its been hard on me. All I wanna do right now, is to take her in my arms and hug her tight. I dunno why but it’s so strong that I might even get ready to go home tomorrow morning. Well you know how impulsive I have been these past some months. Like just today, I had an extreme craving for chocolate cake. I could not hold myself back. So I went out,even though I hate to go out alone or after rain. But I went anyway. Brought a cake and ate with my roommates. Oh,my new roommate is from Kazakhstan. She’s a nice person. A person of little words like me and my old roommates. So I guess this is good. We wont bother each other much.
And I still miss my little sister even after writing about it. The feeling is still strong but I can’t just jump on a bus and go home right now. Well,that’s not entirely true.I can if I want to but I’m not allowed to do just that. So I guess I’ll have to wait for the morning.
Dear diary, Divergent movie is in theaters here in Pakistan but I have no friend present here to watch it with. Yeah,I was extremely excited about it. Last night I completed Allegiant. I guess Tris’ death is one reason of me being down. Yeah,It was extremely difficult to stop myself from crying, reading all the raw and broken feelings at the end of the book. I have to say, I wanted her to live and have a chance at a happy life with Tobias. Hell,he deserved to be happy. But the writer clearly didn’t want that. God! I hate tragic endings. No wonder I’m still down. It was a big disappointment. I had to remind every time my tears were close to spilling,that it’s just a story and then my inside shouted,yeah,a story that you fell in love with!
Oh,yeah,love hurts! It’s like a stab in chest only it isn’t a single stab. Its more like repeated stabbing to get all the life out of me sometimes. But I survive,every single time. You know,this isn’t fair!!!
Anyway, I still miss my family. Seems like this weekend is “missing my family weekend.”
I might as well go home in the morning and quench my thirst. I can’t decide :-/

Okay,this isn’t making me feel any better. So I should probably give it a rest.
See you soon, and hopefully,In  better mood.
Chao

For the last time


imagesShe kept looking on his retreating back for as long as the dark, empty night would let her. Her once deep,lively eyes were shallow and empty, like death itself. They seemed to be looking at far away places.
Even after his lean body was out of sight, she kept staring into nothingness for a long time. Seconds, minutes, hours. . . . . she didn’t know how long she had been standing there, frozen. She felt like she had been robbed off something very important. But what was it? What could it be? That’s something she was having difficulty figuring out. Her mind refused to think or provide any answers. She felt numb, life-less, cold. . . . . stone-cold.
It was starting to rain. A little drop here and a drop there. A drop on her pale, blood-drained face. Snapping back to reality, she put her one bare foot in front of the other. On touching the soft carpet of thick grass under her feet, she felt so weak, so helpless, so little. Her footing was so unsure and yet she knew she had to keep moving for as long as her legs would carry her. Right foot, left then right and left. She didn’t go far. Couldn’t go far. Every single step she took, seemed more difficult than the one before.
She stumbled, her legs too weak to carry her any further. No, she wasn’t someone with a heavy frame. She was small yet strong, built for brave stuff. Running, a lot of running perhaps. And her brain…..her brain, clearly it was meant for a far greater purposes than she realized.
she stumbled again. This time, her knees meeting the ground. Resigned, she didn’t try to get up. A tear escaped her eyes and another…..a scream building inside her.
The rain, getting strong by the minute drenching her to the bones. Her tears,an unending stream. Numbness,leaving her body as awareness took its place. Soaked completely,crying hard, she put her now throbbing head down on the soft blades of grass,wishing for death to come and take a hold of her at that particular moment. But she knew, it wasn’t her time to die. She had to fulfill her true purpose of life yet, whatever that purpose was. So she let her tears flow openly. Crying, for the last time, without shame, for every single person who left her in the past and the present,everyone who never tried to stick with her for long enough to know her well. Everyone who took a part of her with them as they went. As tears left her eyes, she felt as if every part of herself she ever lost, it was coming back to her. So slowly and gradually she became whole again. One by one, she kept burning her memories. Tears kept flowing until she felt complete again, void of any hurt. Empty,yet whole again. Her eyes felt puffy and ached, her whole body cold and wet. It was time to be brave and go home. So she stood up, this time without any difficulty, without any shackles of her past creating any difficulty for her. Slowly she walked back to her door,got inside her home, that reeked of solitude, but felt like some place she actually belonged. Closing the door behind her, she closed the door of misery, extricating herself from her self-made problems. She knew, it was the start of something new and she was ready, ready to face whatever was to come next………