Diary Entry: Little Things…


Dear diary,

I’m home, both in literal and figurative sense of the word. I didn’t inform at home that I was coming. It was at a spur of the moment decision, which by the way payed off. As my little sister opened the gate to let me in, she saw me with a heavy hiking bag over my shoulders, arms open, eyes mischievous and smiling, “taadaa!!!” I couldn’t help myself, she leapt forward, flinging her arm over my shoulder and another around my waist, hugging me close for a minute or two, or perhaps more, but who is counting 😉  while jumping up and down in delight…….. totally worth it!!!

I had almost been beating my head off, thinking and thinking, obsessively, hurting myself in the process. I never knew or anticipated that I would need a break so soon from Lahore. I mean, I was home only last week and usually I kinda stay for at least one month before running back to my family, to recharge my spirit, but this time, I couldn’t even wait for a whole week. Odd, at least for me, given my history! And by my history I mean, when I went to Alhuda- to enjoy my first ever experience of a hostel and a life away from my family, I spent two months before coming back for the weekend there. I’ve always been tough and resilient that way. I don’t know what happened to me, but whatever happened, I don’t feel like worrying about it. On the contrary, I plan on enjoying this little window of respite to the full!

Oh, and I keep forgetting to post a story here that I wrote for my university magazine and it recently got published (Yup, Yaaaayyyy!!!), with some publication errors even though I read, re-read, re-re-read, re-re-re-read and even sent it to my friends for them to read and send constructive criticism, before sending it for publication. Uh, the irony! It still got published with some printing mistakes (hey! I sent them proof-read work.) But who cares?! (My heart is yelling, “of course I do, silly,” right now. Ugh!!!). Anyway, I’m happy that it has been published. It’s not exactly my first published work but I’m happy nevertheless. I’ll share it, asap, even though, I’m still a little possessive about it, for some very odd reason.

Anyway, writing again yesterday, reminded me of what I’ve been missing for so many months. I didn’t want to stop. That’s why I’m here! Plus I was happy and wanted to say something about it. A lesson I learned in my life, it’s not the big stuff, but always the little things that matter. People waiting for big stuff to happen to make them happy, keep waiting for a long long time, while the secret of happiness if actually right before their eyes, subtly hidden in the little, beautiful things….. I wish more people would start noticing.

Anyway, It’s almost 5 am. I must take my leave now.

Hoping to meet again, soon…..

Stuck, Blocked, Scarred But Moving


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It’s one of those days when I can’t think of a decent title for the post I want to write. Well, that’s most of my days anyway. Choosing title isn’t my kinda thing really but things get annoying when I keep getting a cluster of random thoughts. Life is tiresome already, without a thousand random, unrelated thoughts bombarding my mind all the time. I’ve been meaning to write time and again, but didn’t get enough time to do so. And at other times, I was just too tired and sleep deprived to write or even think about writing. And then there are these frequently non-creative days when my writer’s block hits and keeps me asleep, creatively.
I’m writing tonight because I so much want to and because I had some little time to rest today. It’s taking some effort to make sense even to myself but I’m trying to pen down whatever comes into my mind. I won’t recheck it or reread it to pick out mistakes. Tonight is my night to be completely random and senseless and free.
I’ve been having these heart racing issues ever since I’ve stopped thinking about my fairy-tale. It’s not that I don’t want it, I do, even after being denied of it time and again, with all my heart-that might be one reason that my heart is giving out. Perhaps it’s tired of all the nonsense that I always put it through. Anyway, it would probably have looked cute if it was just a story and not a real life issue. An issue, which is so elusive that even the doctors are finding it hard to find the root cause and cure. I’m not dodging my doctors. Of course unrequited love is like jumping into dangerous waters, and I did, even though I knew, I couldn’t swim. But I’m not depressed, not anxious, not stressed not even down. If I knew one thing before falling in love, it was that I can control my thoughts. And so I did. No more wishful thinking, no more obsessions about creative twists that my life could have taken. In fact, no more missing my loved ones. Not even a small thought, stealthily slipping into my mind- nil, nada! And studies aren’t tough. Or, maybe I should say, I’m not finding them tough ’cause, honestly, I don’t bother studying at all, still I’m scoring good. Of course, if I actually do study, I can easily ace my classes. Even without putting any efforts, I’m doing better than 90% of my class. CMH is going great too, alhamdulillah! It’s like suddenly I’m working, with all my heart even though I’m not. The routine is tiresome- hard hours, not as hard as doctors but still, harder than they ever were before. But I know one thing for sure, it can’t get any harder and it will take a LOT more than this hard routine and continuous sickness to put me down. And thanks to this routine, I can focus my mind more than I could ever before, on the task at hand. No time to think about the things that were so important to me two weeks ago.
I never went through any emotional breakdown either. I have never EVER found myself so calm before, in a situation where any other girl would probably be an invalid by now. Some day, I want people to look at me and say with wonder in their eyes and a smile playing on their lips, “You don’t give up, do you?!” And I want that to be the reality of my existence.
My cell is stoned and I don’t know how I’m not freaking out about it for past 4 days. I never thought I would be able to live without whatsapp or telegram or other kinds of social media. Turns out, I miss my pdf files on my cell more than the social media. Sometimes, even I amaze myself.
I have no idea I why named my post “stuck, blocked, scarred but moving”. Beats me…..
Time to sleep….