Diary Entry: Hope


 

You know one of those times, when words fail you because you are being too emotional?! This isn’t one of those times for me. I’ve spent so long, being miserable when things didn’t go my way or when I wanted to write but a bad case of writer’s block had  my words and senses in a knot. Nothing has changed tonight either. I’ve just mustered up enough courage to write again. Its been so long since I wrote last. I’ve missed this feeling of elation inside. I’ve missed my voice, my words. In real world, things have gone for the worse. My words have lost meaning. I’ve lost a LOT of my positivity and enthusiasm for life.
People keep telling me life is hard. I believe it not to be true. Its the people who make even the simplest of things harder. I’ve made a habit of detoxifying my life of such toxic people but the culture I’ve been born and raised in, doesn’t allow some of those people to be entirely cut off from my life. So, I’m just waiting for a time when I would be able to leave all of this behind and focus ahead without being afraid that someone would put a foot on my cape the moment I got the power to fly.
I know, I know. I’m a dreamer. I dream of freedom. I plan and plan and plan until I’m exhausted. The more I try building myself up, the worse the blows get. Sometimes I get so tired of it all. But I try not to write of such unhappy thoughts.
I have hit the rock bottom of my worse self. I don’t know how to pick myself back up, without losing important parts of me in the process. But looking back towards the kind of person I was even 5 years ago, I cannot help but sigh. All that energy, all that chaos has gone poof! All that remains is a rotten shell that bacteria probably eat away at. Maybe, it would make the bacteria sick or maybe the bacteria would successfully decompose it and mix it with soil to help create new life. Ugh! I can only hope!!!
Okay, enough of the unhinged talk. I just happened to read something I wrote the last time here. I almost didn’t recognise the “me” who typed those words. It felt as if I was writing to soothe myself, which perhaps was the case. I almost didn’t recognize my own words because they were adorned with a light sprinkle of humor. Light within the darkness. This has been me all along. I understand it now. Its a part of me. I just have to dig inside and find it again. I just have to keep faith and hope…

Diary Entry 126


Dear diary,
I’ve been back for past whole week now. Every time I think of writing something here, I don’t. I’ve been watching lots of movies. Feel a little down today. Missed two of my classes. Eid and the holidays went in a blur. Not because the days went by too fast, but because I couldn’t focus on my family this time around. I was too engrossed into my own self that I kept getting irritated when people actually tried to have me participate in the activities going on around me.
I guess,somewhere this was bound to happen. Repercussions of stupid stunts that I keep performing. Oh no, I’m not ready to leave them anyway.
Dear diary, some time ago, something great happened. I was saved once again from making the biggest mistake of my life, by Allah(SWT). Sometimes, things that happen around me, make me realize that Allah loves me so much that He keeps me away from any harms. Anyway, it was a big lesson,of course. And as for a broken heart or something remotely resembling any negative emotions, I don’t have it. Never did,at least in the said matter. Its like I knew, I was ready for something bad to happen. When it happened, I did expect myself to be ready but I never expected myself to be so composed that I didn’t feel a thing. I’m happy that I finally have that much self restrain. I feel ready now,for any and every thing.
This semester is going better than I actually expected it to go, thanks to Allah again. I was supposed to have at least one clinical case by now. I have plenty but without their tests so still waiting for internship to actually start :/ Waiting for the good times to start again,soon.
Obsessed again. This time its an Indian song by Arijit Singh from the movie Creature.
Weather is cold again and NO,its not depressive this time. Yeah,I had someone last year with me through the tough days and this year I don’t really need anyone. I’ve grown out of such feelings. “What doesn’t kill you,makes you stronger!”
The cold weather now inspires me,calls to me….as if telling me there’s more to it than the apparent harshness. I wanna sit outside with a warm cup of decaf,listening to Arijit Singh songs and stare into the depths of the cool nights. Or long drive on empty roads a night,again Arijit Singh songs on….
Okay,by now,you probably guessed,I’m crushing on his voice :/ Its simply sweet. Like honey to the ears. Its kinda hard not to like. Its not real special but its never harsh on ears. So I love it. And his voice has an expression of its own. The the climaxes and downs say more than the lyrics. Its just amazing!
(Okay,I’m babbling now)
I better go. A good challenge has grasped my attention 😉
See you,whenever possible.

Chao!