Happy B’day Chloe!


Yesterday I was there, tomorrow I may not.
The times we made up, the times we fought.
My life is just a reflection,full of your affection.
I’d spend hours,In those memories, lost.
I’ve known no passion greater than yours.
I’ve seen no better friend.
Time may be measured in seconds and hours
But your love has known no end.
Its hard to say in words how I feel.
A broken heart I will never tend.
As long as I have you close,
Of being happy I never have to pretend.
So much to say, so much is felt,
Mere thoughts of you and my heart melts.
Lucky as I am, to have seen, to have known
Your beauteous heart, a face set with frown.
The tantrums you throw, the fights you take on
So full of life, my heart you’ve won.
Love you with your good and bad.
Such pleasure with you I’ve always had.
No matter how much life keeps us apart

index
Be assured you’ll always be in my heart!

Diary entry 120


Dear diary,
I found speech recognition in my laptop today. It’s like a dream come true. Some time back I told you I saw a movie called “Her” and I told you that I was kinda jealous that the guy had the most perfect job,dictating love letters to his computer and sending them to people signed from their loved ones. Well,I had no idea I would find one such thing right here and that too not long after. Wow! I’m still spellbound. Trying it has been a lot of fun. It keeps misunderstanding me.I was just testing it earlier today so I half sang to my laptop (yeah,it would’ve looked absurd but thank goodness, I was alone in my room.) Look what I narrated and what my lappie understood:
I said “how many times do I have to tell you,even when you’re crying, you’re beautiful too. The world keeps beating you down, I’m around through every move. You’re my downfall,you’re my muse,my worst distraction,my rhythms and blues. Cant stop singin’ its ringin’ in my head for you” and it wrote ‘how many times do I have to tell you even when you try your beautiful to Dora keeps beating you down on the ranch two every move here my downfall of your menus my worst distraction my rhythm and blues cap stocks sending castoffs thinking it’s raining in my head for you’
Gave me a laugh that I’ve been missing for some time.
I have been listening to a song, obsessing over it actually. It’s “too late to apologize by Justin Timeberlake.” I’m reminded of my past whenever I listen to it(radio days). My time of innocence. Oh no,I wasn’t too innocent then but at least I wasn’t the way I am now. Raw passion and words- that was the time when I started to write. I haven’t exactly stopped after that. Just small breaks-sometimes not too small breaks too.
Anyway, I’ve been killing my throat by trying to sing “Kabhi Shaam Dhale to mere dil me aa jana from movie Sur.” And guess what,my roommates tried to join me too. It was fun. I wish I could record the whole thing and keep it or even post it here. Can’t exactly call them bloopers but it was all extremely hilarious.
Goldie tried to teach me tango steps. I have to say, I must be the worst dancer there could ever be. And you know why? Because I don’t try hard enough and because I am kinda shy when it comes to dancing. So if I have to learn,I have to stop being shy(yeah,I know,I know!)
Something amazing just happened. I started writing this diary yesterday and I’m still writing 🙂 Oh no,this isn’t the amazing part. I just talked with a friend of my roommate from Kenya in Urdu so fluent that my mind still refuses to accept that he’s from Kenya. Wow,seriously! And his “really” reminded me of a DJ friend of mine,so soft and so sweet. His style of speech resembled that of any Pakistani DJ reciting poetry in late night shows,mellow and clear with a slight hint of Pushto speakers. (I’m kinda feeling ashamed that my Urdu isn’t that good.) But it was a great experience. Didn’t feel like I was speaking to a total stranger.
My driving lesson last time went great. 3rd time behind the wheel and I was already driving without supervision. I hope I start on an actual road as quickly as understood the instructions and put them to work. I’m hopeful.
Finals are just around the corner. Have a quiz in the morning for which I haven’t prepared again. But that’s the usual me.
Both besties still giving me a hard time. I dunno if I would ever get used to it. Losing either one isn’t an option. No,I’m not gonna do that. No matter what.
Before I go,I’m gonna talk about a third song(Wow,someone tell me what’s happening.3 songs in one post…..) Its lyrics are what caught my attention. Loved them. The whole song is amazing. I can’t decide what part to keep and what part to skip. So here it goes:
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything
I can do it
I’ll get through it
But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

Just a little human
I can take so much
‘Til I’ve had enough
‘Cause I’m only human…..
No more words,its self-explanatory. Gotta hit the bed if. . . .if I wanna wake up in time for my classes.

Buonanotte!

For the last time


imagesShe kept looking on his retreating back for as long as the dark, empty night would let her. Her once deep,lively eyes were shallow and empty, like death itself. They seemed to be looking at far away places.
Even after his lean body was out of sight, she kept staring into nothingness for a long time. Seconds, minutes, hours. . . . . she didn’t know how long she had been standing there, frozen. She felt like she had been robbed off something very important. But what was it? What could it be? That’s something she was having difficulty figuring out. Her mind refused to think or provide any answers. She felt numb, life-less, cold. . . . . stone-cold.
It was starting to rain. A little drop here and a drop there. A drop on her pale, blood-drained face. Snapping back to reality, she put her one bare foot in front of the other. On touching the soft carpet of thick grass under her feet, she felt so weak, so helpless, so little. Her footing was so unsure and yet she knew she had to keep moving for as long as her legs would carry her. Right foot, left then right and left. She didn’t go far. Couldn’t go far. Every single step she took, seemed more difficult than the one before.
She stumbled, her legs too weak to carry her any further. No, she wasn’t someone with a heavy frame. She was small yet strong, built for brave stuff. Running, a lot of running perhaps. And her brain…..her brain, clearly it was meant for a far greater purposes than she realized.
she stumbled again. This time, her knees meeting the ground. Resigned, she didn’t try to get up. A tear escaped her eyes and another…..a scream building inside her.
The rain, getting strong by the minute drenching her to the bones. Her tears,an unending stream. Numbness,leaving her body as awareness took its place. Soaked completely,crying hard, she put her now throbbing head down on the soft blades of grass,wishing for death to come and take a hold of her at that particular moment. But she knew, it wasn’t her time to die. She had to fulfill her true purpose of life yet, whatever that purpose was. So she let her tears flow openly. Crying, for the last time, without shame, for every single person who left her in the past and the present,everyone who never tried to stick with her for long enough to know her well. Everyone who took a part of her with them as they went. As tears left her eyes, she felt as if every part of herself she ever lost, it was coming back to her. So slowly and gradually she became whole again. One by one, she kept burning her memories. Tears kept flowing until she felt complete again, void of any hurt. Empty,yet whole again. Her eyes felt puffy and ached, her whole body cold and wet. It was time to be brave and go home. So she stood up, this time without any difficulty, without any shackles of her past creating any difficulty for her. Slowly she walked back to her door,got inside her home, that reeked of solitude, but felt like some place she actually belonged. Closing the door behind her, she closed the door of misery, extricating herself from her self-made problems. She knew, it was the start of something new and she was ready, ready to face whatever was to come next………

let go please……!


You said you’ll come back

And those words I believed

You said we’ll be together again

And that’s what I dreamed

You left me with just a good-bye

To live with your memories or die

Did you mean everything you spoke?

Or were you merely good at lies?

I put my life on hold for you

I let my heart be carried away

You shook my world, stole my heart

I’ve shed enough tears, no more left to cry

You gave me a shoulder to lean on

Then took my soul, sucked my blood dry

O captor of my heart,

O keeper of the keys

Let me go, please set me free!!!

Diary entry 37


Dear diary,

The last presentation for this semester is over. It went great (Alhamdulillah!)

Three more days of classes and I might get a chance to catch my breath before the finals start. Its been an amazing semester. I found a very sweet friend, took a trip down the memory lane numerous times, discovered that presentations could be fun, endured arguments between my two roommates(that I still am enduring while acting as a buffer between them.), came closer to my little sister (emotionally), understood the worth of having a family, stood up for something I believed in and found decaffeinated coffee in market (finally!!!)

Oh, I forgot one – wrote diary entries during classes 🙂 which reminds me, its class time.

Gotta run.

diary entry 34


Dear diary,

I need to study management for an assignment and quiz but power is out for an hour. I was drawing the curtain when my sick Kenyan roommate stopped me. She needed to be warm and I wasn’t helping. I told her that I have to study. She fell quiet. Now I feel so bad that I closed the curtains and decided to wait for the light to come back.

Last night was one amazing night. I talked to someone who knew me from my childhood. A van fellow. So many memories came back flooding. It was like reliving those days. We used to play a game in which a team of girls would compete against the guys of my van. We each had to give a letter to other team and they had to sing a song starting with that letter. A solid hour would pass in that game before my stop and still we all wanted to keep going every day.

I remember, narrating Harry Potter novel to my fellows, singing Titanic theme song on the way home and in summer we used to fill our water bottles and throw water on van driver and whoever sat in front seat with him. But nothing can compare the joy of sitting on the roof of the van 😉 (Yeah, I used to do that too!)

*sigh*

It was one helluva time we spent, an adventurous childhood, even the thought of which is enough to spread smile across our faces.

Well, thanks to the person who helped me relive those moments.

*sigh*

(This one is for management!)

Time myself in my book.

Adieu.

 

From the heart of a NOBODY


Hey folks!

I have no idea what I’m going to write about today but I still wanted to write something.Sometimes its just a flood of mixed feelings inside me.And its neither always easy nor prudent to make a dam to control the flow.So,here I am again 🙂

I guess,sometimes its better for both the reader and the writer to go side by side.So,lets just say its happening just about now.

I don’t know why,I just had some memories from my college life floating before me.Not the bad ones.The time that I enjoyed the most just came to me as a flashback.Some time back,I had an argument with a friend about the love of attention in people.I have to say,who doesn’t like to win huh?!I’m no different there but there’s always some uneasiness when I have to go on stage to receive the prize.

I think I’ve become a creature of shadows.Its like I want to do my job but not take the credit for it.Crazy huh?!

Oh,I’ve always hated the limelight-believe it or not,most of the time that I spent on stage singing,it was against my will.I’m the person who was called out of the line in front of the whole school and college population and given a Mic.I hated that!Still do.

So,one thing is clear here,I don’t have any kind of stage fear.When I’m competing,its like I’m one other person like everyone else there,who,if wins,might be remembered by her name,otherwise forgotten forever.Like I said before,I like to win too but the idea of being invisible is more appealing to me than being the centre of attention.My friend,disagrees of course 🙂

I hope the time never comes when you have to see me,face going pink with embarrassment,as I ascend the steps to another stage to receive another prize.You’d know then;I don’t love this attention secretly.

I’m a nobody and I prefer to stay that way!

 

Do you remember . . . . ?


Do you remember how we met for the very first time?But how can you forget that- pardon,that was a silly question.Right,so we met in our school van-you were new and very silent. . . .and I was curious-how could you be a girl and so silent one at the same time?

Do you remember when I talked to you for the very first time:”How do you stand to be so quiet?I mean,I just cant . . . . ”

Yeah,a bad start I know but it ended with the best ever result.I mean,you see,I got a great friend in you!

Who cares if it started with a stupid question?

And then she came along sometime and we became the “Inseparable-Trio”.Three girls,pretending to be characters from Harry Potter series,singing Titanic song all the way to home- keeping seats for each other ,fighting for each other,telling stories-enjoying each others’ company . . . .

Huh,I miss that-do you?

Do you remember how we met?I do-

I was reading Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix in lunch break,sitting in class and you came to me and asked:

“Hey don’t you have any friends?Why don’t you hang out with anyone?What do you keep reading all the time?”

I smiled(I guess!well I hope,actually.anyway)and said:

“Oh,I do have friends.In fact,I’m friends with the whole class(which included you too,of course,but I didn’t really know you-my bad.Actually I didn’t ever noticed you before you came to talk.But I’m not as careless as I used to be back then . . . . . .well,maybe a little . . . . .oh,okay,I’m still as careless as I ever was.but thats not my point),but I don’t make best friends.”

“Hey,why not?”

“Well,you see,my mother was in army,so whenever I made a best friend,we had to move.Its so heart breaking.Finally my mum got retired and so we came to live here,in my home town.I made a best friend here,but she left,for her father was in army-eventually I gave up on making best friends”,I said sadly.

Well,I don’t remember being alone ever after that- thanks to you!!!

Do you remember,I was headed to the library and you called my name suddenly?I turned only to find that your face didn’t ring a bell(maybe it was because I saw you wearing spectacles and a scarf when I saw you for the first time.And what I saw now was a completely different you-with lens and your hair over your shoulders)-of course you knew me but I was oblivious.Remember when we ate together at the canteen-when you teased me  about being a slow eater?

Who knew you would touch my heart?

Remember when in college we came to be friends-for you were always so good with me.We were like partners-with a common interest-a common dream and talents to pursue our dream of becoming writers and DJs.Ah!I remember sharing little details of things we would write in our own novels,and then get them published.I remember so clearly when we did the proof reading for each others’ book,giving suggestions.And when we started to write for a local magazine.You remember it,right?And the three-legged race that we won together(yeah,the college owes us a cup or at least a certificate)

Should I say,you rocked my world?

I don’t know how we came to be friends but I’ve always loved to have you on my side.you always made me feel like home and I never grew tired of your company(and I wonder how you used to stand me,for I never seemed to shut up ever!Way to go for such a tremendous patience!!!).I found you have a good heart and I loved your hair-SERIOUSLY!!!

You remember when “WE” went for inter college competition as a team?I have clear flashbacks.When we  were each others’ potential,when we were ONE and held each other close.Remember-winning the 1st trophy for our college and enjoying a party at KFC afterwards thrown for us by our Principal(it doubles the joy when you don’t have to pay from your own pocket 😉 agreed ladies?)

A team,we were,a team we are.GO TEAM GO!!!

Remember singing “Tappas”in the class,fighting with the guys,drinking tea from our Wing-Head while sitting in his office-bunking the class,being up to no good-and lurking around the cafe in all the free time we had?

*SIGH*

You taught me so much-

*To be curious,is a good thing sometimes.

*Being natural,saves your many energies.

*How to awaken the artist inside you.

*Self sacrifice and caring for others give eternal bliss.

*Should never underestimate my abilities.

*How to be gentle and nice to others.

*Together we stand,alone we’re gone before we realize it.

*There’s more to a relation than superficial and obvious things.

And the most important of all,I can count on you-always!And thats more than I’m worth.Thanks for being there for me always.Wish I could ever do that favor to you too!!!

Love ya ALL!!!

on my way again


A lump in my throat,

tear glands at their ready.

Eyes closed,

lying on my back;

I miss my home.

A backward glance,

upon all memoirs,

now my heart aches,

for the sweetness again;

I miss my home.

No arms around me,

no comforting hugs.

No ringing laughter of family-

void and solitude;

I miss my home.

Amidst of nowhere,

missing the feel of belonging somewhere,

the satisfaction of being home.

But with a brave face on;

I miss my home.

With a burden in my heart,

and efforts to avoid turning back,

once again I’m on my way,

to a place far away.

But oh my home,

I miss you so much!!!