Unrequited Love


Nothing seems in control,
Nothing seems right.
Love could have fooled me,
I would’ve given up the fight.
So what, if he doesn’t know,
That I exist as a person too?
He’s been and always will be,
My life,my light!
And when tears become prayers,
I believe they get answered.
He’s mine and stays mine,
Teary eyed I pray every night.
I should have asked for forgiveness
For all my sins,my misgivings.
Could have raised me from cinders
To a great height.
But I’m a masochist,I preferred pain.
Love was all ache and no gain.
So I plunged in deep,never to return.
This fate I chose, so, alone I burn.
Oh, I hope this flame burns so high,
That you have to give in with a sigh.
For my love is a fire that won’t extinguish.
Come save me from my anguish.
It’s aglow for you, it wont die
With each blow it’ll get more bright!

Diary entry 105


Dear diary,
every time I write here andย  let my inside out,it feels that it was my last time. That I wont be able to write anymore. That I have lost my touch or that I have pen down everything I could write in a lifetime. But not even a day passes that I have something else to say. And once again,the whole process repeats. What a vicious cycle it is! Writing calms me down,it helps me stay sane and cope with my inner demons. It renders me strength and the will to go on. But once I have written everything,my inside just feels empty. I guess there is some kinda issue with my self-esteem. How else would I explain this drowning feeling inside. Something in my life is making me extremely unhappy but I don’t wish to do anything about it.
My life isn’t complicated, I just made it that way. I still am the only person to be able to lift off my self-inflicted curse. There’s something that’s slowly eating away my soul. What type of person would allow self-destruction? Yeah,A Masochist,I know. But I am not one. At least not one with a clinical kinda problem.
All around me,people undergo emotional hurt,loss,pain and suffering. Seeing them, I want to help. It seems so selfish to keep tending to your own wounds when so many others need help with their wounds. It satisfies me to help them. It makes me happy. I forget what I have gotten myself into and the fruit of my hard work with other people give me more pleasure than anything else can ever give.
But the bad thing is,when people I love are hurt, my inside hurts too. People tell me that I should not get close to other people. But how would I help them if I don’t see their lives from a place close enough? I’m training to become a psychologist for God’s sake! What do people want me to do? Forget what empathy feels like?
No,I wont be able to do that. I don’t want to. I can’t let myself be cold-hearted and survive in my profession. I guess I’ll just suffer and keep helping others,for no one can get out of his own story. This is mine and I have to take it to a proper ending.
Anyway, a friend’s sister had a baby today and I’m so happy on the news. I don’t know the gender yet. But whatever the gender, it’s a big news and a happy one. Waiting to see what that baby looks like. Fingers crossed!
My eyes hurt again and I have an assignment to make. So…..see you soon,if life permits!
Chao!

P.S:Just got the news. It’s a baby boy ๐Ÿ™‚ A lotsa congrats to my Alien buddy from my side!

Diary entry 100


Dear diary,
What a day and what a coincidence. I’m finally free from a hectic,tiring semester and its my 100th diary entry. Feelings of accomplishment kinda doubled ๐Ÿ™‚
Writing this on my way home. A friend suggested that I should wrap up my whole semester in this post. And now I think why not?! (Or at least the parts that I remember :p which By the way,are going to make at least 2 or 3 posts. Hold your horses.)
Oh,the First thing I remember is losing my mind ๐Ÿ˜‰ No kidding dear diary! This semester has proven to be an intense one and no doubt ,was”one heck of a time!” And yes, I did lose my memory(Short term memory).
I seem 6 months older and a little more crazy. But that’s totally okay. I enjoyed each and everyย  moment of this growing older. There were some additions and omissions in my life. Lost a dear friend and all because of a misunderstanding.It did hurt initially but its okay now. Lost one and made 3 new ones. An addition to my close friend list. Love the new people,absolutely. Welcome to my world peeps,the world of silence and communication through eyes ๐Ÿ˜‰ Hope,your stay is longer than some others “Until death doth us part!” ๐Ÿ˜‰
And then there was all the fun I had,getting closer to my bestie and knowing her better,trying to open up and share my side of story with her too.I know I failed miserably but Chloe did a great job showing me something that I used to deny for past so many years. The knowledge kinda kills me inside but the masochistic me enjoy the little heartache sometimes. The good thing is that I didn’t let that knowledge be my weakness but made it my strength. Realized that waiting for someone is so difficult.I used to feel proud that I’m patient.But things happen,(like ahem,ahem. . . )and now that patience has kinda evaporated.I have discovered a new way to love my perfect life ๐Ÿ™‚ And yeah,I’m totally satisfied with my discovery-happy actually.Its like having a new reason for living even though I was trying to live my life in the best way I knew how.
People have stopped complaining that I’m too silent, it’s a good thing,right?!. Thanks to Chloe-or should I call you Goldilocks now? :p ๐Ÿ˜‰
Sneaking out of my hostel for a trip to Goldilocks’s home,meeting her sweet family(especially the cute babies โค and one,the youngest,in particular.The shy one.Still remember his shy smiles when I took his name,and the laughter that followed that smile.just loved it! )
IMG-20140117-WA0001
Then the Mansehra and Abbottabad trip.The long walk trip. . . . . . Had the time of my life!
Should I come towards studies? Naah,I don’t think so :p No mood to touch any boring subject,not today at least!
Oh,and then there was the adventure of my life time-December 11,2013.How could I forget that one!!!
And the strikes in University.Me being among the 1st soldiers who marched out and stayed on the front line for 6 straight hours . . . . . .
Sitting out of our final exam-me and my whole class in solidarity with hostel fellows(me included off course :p )And the out of uni adventures with Goldilocks-I’m gonna miss those (You made me a spendthrift person Goldie!)
And Yup,I loved meeting “Peera.” The way you used to praise him,it’s not enough.He definitely deserves better.And oh,the clownish friend of yours who has been very helpful (Shhhh,don’t let him know I called him that :p )
Yup,you turned my life upside down girl! But thank you for working on a hopeless boring person like me ๐Ÿ˜‰
Aaaaah!Dear diary,the more I look towards this past semester,the more I realize that I have enjoyed my self to the full! I’ve had more adventures in this little time,than I have ever had in my whole 22 and a half years.And this is not even the end.A window of hope opened for me again.I’m gonna give a chance to my lifelong dream of joining the forces after I’m done with this current degree,In sha Allah.Thanks to you,Officer buddy.And when I join,don’t you dare boss me around.I’m your therapist friend first before being your junior(oh yeah,the unauthorized therapy is going great too :p I think). Don’t you dare forget that ๐Ÿ˜‰ :p
Yeah,dear diary,I’m happy.And I guess its showing (a little too much ๐Ÿ™‚ )
Wanna keep writing but my laptop wont allow it.So lets give it some rest before it dies.
Hope to see you soon again.And will try to add more details if I remember ๐Ÿ˜‰
Before I go,a special thanks to Goldilocks,Alien buddy,Sir Usama, Chicken, Fati, Saadi, Ginny, DJ-to-be-buddy and my beloved Teddy,for lighting up my days and for putting up a huge smile on my face day in and day out! Love you all dearly!

P.S:Wrote this post yesterday but wasn’t able to post it just then as my EVO had a heart attack on my way back home and my lappie died of grief :p But I didn’t wanna change anything I wrote so here is a post that was meant to be posted yesterday. Hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it ๐Ÿ™‚ More adventures in next Post In Sha Allah!

When did the masochist become a sadist?


Some days back,I happened to come across an interesting picture message on facebook.It said:

Mother:(noun)

<muth-ur>

meaning:someone who does two jobs without getting paid for even one of them.
note:also see:masochist

That was something I never thought before.Whoever wrote it-what can I say about them,obviously they have a good mind that can relate to things very well.

This and some recent events in my own home gave me this idea of a post.

Before I write more about the topic,I’d very much like to define these two Psychological terms I used in the title of this post.

According to Oxford dictionary:
Masochist(say:mas-ok-ist)

A person who enjoys things that seem painful or tiresome.

Sadist(say:say-dist)

A person who enjoys hurting other people.

The key difference between both is who is getting hurt.The Masochist hurts himself while sadist hurts others.

I’ve been meaning to write generally about Asian and particularly about Pakistani mums.

A mother works her butt off her whole life only to provide the best to her children.Unlike many of world’s liberal communities,a boy rarely leaves his home after marriage which means the daughter-in-law has to live with her in-law family.

The problem for a girl starts way before puberty but most part of which she doesn’t understand.Once she crossed her puberty,she’s bombarded with discussions on the topics of marriage and dealing with a husband or a mother in law.She’s told so many horrible things about a typical mother in law that by the time she reaches the time of her wedding,the mother part transforms itself into Monster-in-law in the mind of the bride.

And it doesn’t stop there.Before marriage,she’s fed with thoughts like-you don’t know how to work,your in laws won’t let you stay for 1 day at their place.

Some poor girl,who never touched her own hair to make a braid is forced to do all the chores of her home.From the life of a princess,she is suddenly demoted to the life of a petty serving girl.Above all that,her work always gets skeptical views instead of praise-and all that in her own home!

What I don’t get is,what are mothers thinking.Does their daughter suddenly become SUPER-GIRL when she reaches her puberty?Because I never saw any girl turning into one!

Mothers like to call it a “training for the next home”or “something for your own good”-and I call it a “Masochist turning into a Sadist!”

A mum could never be a sadist when we take the pleasure part of the word-she would never enjoy seeing her child suffer-thats my favourite part.I wish to ask all the mothers out there a little favour:try to get your little girls work with you from the very start of the conscious part of their life.This would help you to make your child love the work and avoid any possible friction between you and your daughters in future.

With the serving part out of the equation,the monster in law pat is easy to control.When you can be their best friends instead of being tyrants,so can their mother in law!

Good luck there ๐Ÿ™‚