Diary Entry: That Dark Place


Dear diary,

I have started sucking pretty badly in singing. I was ashamed to hear my own recording today when I tried. I cant blame the karaoke app. Or can I?!

Anyway, I’m dwelling in my dark place where I have a lot of stuff going on inside my head but too little going outside it. I lie in bed all day, wasting precious time and doing absolutely nothing. I need an escape from Lahore-it’s very essential these days. I don’t want to go home because of all the marriage talk mum tries to do with me every single time I go back. I mean, how hard is it to understand that I don’t want to get married to engineers employed somewhere in the middle east? Or that I don’t want to get married, period!

Sometimes, when I’m in a very perceptive mood, one thought crosses my mind. What if, my history of always falling for the wrong people is the reason of my aversion? Would I ever be able to move on with my life? Or would I keep looking towards those friends of mine who actually got married and their lives after marriage didn’t turn “Oh-so-well”? And then there’s one very stupidly disturbing thought-I don’t want to grow up!

I’m serious! I don’t. And in my mind, marriage brings responsibilities and it means that now you have to be a grown up and handle kids of your own. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and would love to have one or two of my own some day but for now, I wish to accomplish something in life. I want to be an independent female before I tie the knot.

Oh, and not to forget, I need to be able to like some person enough to be able to persuade my stupid mind to actually want to marry him. And believe me, I would raise all hell if I have to, just to get to know the person who gets to marry me-if he gets to marry me.

Anyway, marriage isn’t the real reason of my writing today. I’ve hit a writer’s block and I’ve stopped updating my novel. There are just too many scenarios bugging me, keeping me restless and pinching me but whenever I try to pen them down, or in this case, type, I hit a blockage. I don’t know how long it would last and why I keep thinking of dark stuff. I need to cool off. Need a distraction. Something to drag me back to my original track. Perhaps a trip to Islamabad….. (Yeah, I wish! But mum never permits :/ )

My desperation for a change of scenario has resulted in my withdrawal from people and frustration. I want to bite people’s heads off when they try to talk to me. I want to yell at them for no reason and I’m just hating them for not understanding. My palpitations are back but even after ma’am suggested me to go see a doctor, I told her I don’t want to. I have started acting out with the people I love and after doing that, I feel guilty. So this self-destruction mode isn’t helping me at ALL!

I’m hoping that writing about it now, would lessen the intensity of insanity I’m experiencing these day because I don’t know what else to do.

 

P.S: And no, I still don’t wanna go to the doctor :/

Diary Entry: A Dream Within A Dream


Dear diary,
last night I had a dream. A dream, I fell in love with!
I’m generally a daydreamer. I don’t dream with eyes closed, because I’m a deep sleeper. Well, I do, once in a blue moon. Last night was one such night. I was talking to some friends about meeting my guy in my dream. A guy,who is stuck somewhere in a tree or something, metaphorically of course. If not,then what’s taking him so long? Why wouldn’t he let himself be known to me? :/ I wasn’t really serious, knowing I don’t really dream with eyes closed. But I didn’t only meet my man, we got married in the dream. I still can’t get over the euphoria. I mean, me, dreaming is one slightly impossible thing. Me, dreaming about him is higher on the scale of impossible. But Me, getting married to the person I love, even in a dream……..
EXQUISITE!!!
A dream, within a dream….
I woke up, wishing, I hadn’t! I didn’t want to let go of his sight, just yet. But I had to! A dream like that every night, and I would wish I sleep forever and ever more!
It’s not healthy, I know. But the feeling is just too intoxicating. I’m not such a big fan of marrying a person you don’t love. And my aims and aspirations aside, there is this one person, for whom I would give up my lifelong passions and aims if i have to. I don’t have any wish to hurry in getting married but that one person-if he is the one pulling the strings….. I guess I don’t need to finish the sentence.
My sister’s B’day is just around the corner. I have to work on project Surprise for her. I must go and start working.
Ciao

Diary Entry 134


Dear diary,
do you believe in miracles? Have you ever seen one?
I have, very closely! My miracles have always been the prayers of those who love me. They practically saved me from the recesses of my own mind, a stage where I was nothing more than a statue. A silent, pitiful portrait of misery, all signs of life’s joys sucked out of me. Today, I’m a alive, so full of energy that its hard to displace it. I want to give a helping hand to those in need. I want to shower so much love that the worlds of those around me lit up. I want to express myself so openly that it hurts when I don’t.
Yes, indeed! My life has been nothing but a miracle from the very start! Every step that I have walked, every wrong turn that I took, has somehow sent me to the right places at the right times. Could I be any more thankless? And not just thankless but a thankless selfish brat! I have so much and yet I crave for one more blind turn, one more unusual experience, one more wrong footing and a person to catch me when I’m about to fall. But oh dear Me! I seem to forget every time I enter my fantasy world, that the guy I’m dreaming of, isn’t coming. My savior in this world is none other than Me! I’m the damsel in distress and I am the prince charming I so await. I’m the only person who can save me from me! My self destruct mode is off.
I’m in love, have fallen really hard and in recent few weeks I have broken badly, been in a depressive state so much but I’ve been praying excessively as well. My friends tell me to leave him. He can’t be mine. He’s too hard to get….. And stuff like that. Yes, I keep dealing with this type of comments on daily basis and yes, I have been under so much stress that it seemed like someone was squeezing my windpipe but I came out of all that. I have come out of all that melancholic stage. I’m stronger. I feel invincible even though this isn’t the right word to use, technically. Anyway, throughout my past stress and frustrations Facebook has been my writing-board because logging in here took some extra internet signals that I was short of, at home. So I would paste those poems in here today, in a bit in sha Allah!
So much has changed since the last time I wrote in here. I missed writing so much that it used to hurt inside. I lost myself and I found myself again. I faced the world alone and broken. But I didn’t give up. Thanks to my friends and family. You peeps are a big blessing in my life! I used to keep thinking about the things I would write in here and now, while I’m actually writing in here, I can’t really think properly. My mind is too scattered!
One funny and frustrating thing is happening these days. My aunt and I keep playing games. She’s trying to train me for my inevitable future as a married lady and I’m doing everything in my power(well, a little less than everything- she’s already got a real tough life without me roughing it up a bit more πŸ˜‰ ) to be non-cooperative and cheeky, because I don’t want to be a housewife >.< She sends me North and I end up in South-East πŸ˜€ :/ Anyway, the tug of war sometimes annoys me a lot. Like it did right now. I don’t wanna get up and work when I’m in the middle of something that holds importance for me. Oh and my ears hurt now, from trying to block my aunt and her family out of my ears, with a hands-free on with full volume and a video lecture that I’m trying to concentrate on and understand. Sometimes I just hate it here and at other times, I kinda miss this place. But seriously, I need my peace- a vacuum, a no-sound place in my life. I hate people disturbing my thought chain.
Anyway, my mood has been spoiled, thanks to the people who love me so much!
Like I said, I have grown to be a very stubborn, obstinate, thankless brat and right now I kinda prove it without trying :/
Anyway, getting towards posting the poems I recently wrote and probably another post that keeps disturbing my mind. If I get as far as that without any other disturbance.
P.S: Insurgent DVD version better be great because it has made me wait for so long :/

Diary Entry 123


Dear diary,
yaaayyyy,I’m back!!! And that too,sooner than I thought I would be. Isn’t it great? πŸ˜€ Well,I should be studying right now,but people keep talking to me whenever I try to study and when my mood to study vanishes,people go too. Its annoying and sometimes frustrating too but there’s nothing I have been able to do about it from the past 2 days :/ My cousins,friends,class fellows,family and other people to whom I haven’t talked for ages. Seriously, people,you need to stop doing that :/
And here I am, doing exactly nothing. Well, if you count listening to nasheeds, writing here,chatting on cell And occasionally when I get a little window of respite, reading something related to my subject;in nothing. My days are about to grow into some kinda nightmare. Internship in the morning and classes in the evening. Yeah,it will be difficult to manage but I will do it anyway, somehow, I’m sure.
There’s a story I was writing about 6 months ago or so,that I left unfinished. Recently,I gave it a reading again,and actually loved it so much that I want to complete it after all. I asked some of my friends to give it a try too and they loved it too. Told me to complete it.
*sigh*
I wanna do it as soon as possible. But my routine til date,is so bad, I dunno when would I complete it. But I will.
Dear diary, I sometimes feel like there’s a higher purpose to my life. As if I’m not meant to cook,do laundries or dishes,raise children after tying the knot. In fact, I dunno for sure,if I was made for such routines. For one,I don’t trust men,no matter how good or great they seem. And then the problem of me not liking people easily,isn’t an easy one to get over :/ there are very rare chances of me liking a person in my very first encounter. How would I like someone enough to actually make up my mind to marry him,is beyond me. Mum doesn’t know that yet. She still keeps drilling me with “the” lecture on starting to learn how to make a house a home :/ Ma, seriously,for the Nth time,I don’t wanna learn how to cook. I hate cooking :/ ugh,I’m hungry now. Actually I feel like I have hypoglycemia right now :@ I should run to the kitchen n get something to eat or drink. I’m not done with you yet,dear diary but I have so much pending work to do and then have to sleep. So,I will see you,when I see you πŸ™‚

Sayonara!

And because I love you….


I’ll probably never see someone else the way I see you.
Oh,it breaks my heart over and over again,
That love brought some joy and a lot of pain.
I’d probably marry a successful,established man.
But,at night when I cry,
Those tears would be for you.
I would wake up,every morning,
Expecting to see your beauteous face.
And wish,that I hadn’t done so
And died in my sleep.
How could you claim you were the only one
Who felt all the love seep out?
How could something so good
Leave us so broken,so much in doubt?
I know I should make peace with what life left me
For there’s nothing but lies and deception you are capable to see

When did the masochist become a sadist?


Some days back,I happened to come across an interesting picture message on facebook.It said:

Mother:(noun)

<muth-ur>

meaning:someone who does two jobs without getting paid for even one of them.
note:also see:masochist

That was something I never thought before.Whoever wrote it-what can I say about them,obviously they have a good mind that can relate to things very well.

This and some recent events in my own home gave me this idea of a post.

Before I write more about the topic,I’d very much like to define these two Psychological terms I used in the title of this post.

According to Oxford dictionary:
Masochist(say:mas-ok-ist)

A person who enjoys things that seem painful or tiresome.

Sadist(say:say-dist)

A person who enjoys hurting other people.

The key difference between both is who is getting hurt.The Masochist hurts himself while sadist hurts others.

I’ve been meaning to write generally about Asian and particularly about Pakistani mums.

A mother works her butt off her whole life only to provide the best to her children.Unlike many of world’s liberal communities,a boy rarely leaves his home after marriage which means the daughter-in-law has to live with her in-law family.

The problem for a girl starts way before puberty but most part of which she doesn’t understand.Once she crossed her puberty,she’s bombarded with discussions on the topics of marriage and dealing with a husband or a mother in law.She’s told so many horrible things about a typical mother in law that by the time she reaches the time of her wedding,the mother part transforms itself into Monster-in-law in the mind of the bride.

And it doesn’t stop there.Before marriage,she’s fed with thoughts like-you don’t know how to work,your in laws won’t let you stay for 1 day at their place.

Some poor girl,who never touched her own hair to make a braid is forced to do all the chores of her home.From the life of a princess,she is suddenly demoted to the life of a petty serving girl.Above all that,her work always gets skeptical views instead of praise-and all that in her own home!

What I don’t get is,what are mothers thinking.Does their daughter suddenly become SUPER-GIRL when she reaches her puberty?Because I never saw any girl turning into one!

Mothers like to call it a “training for the next home”or “something for your own good”-and I call it a “Masochist turning into a Sadist!”

A mum could never be a sadist when we take the pleasure part of the word-she would never enjoy seeing her child suffer-thats my favourite part.I wish to ask all the mothers out there a little favour:try to get your little girls work with you from the very start of the conscious part of their life.This would help you to make your child love the work and avoid any possible friction between you and your daughters in future.

With the serving part out of the equation,the monster in law pat is easy to control.When you can be their best friends instead of being tyrants,so can their mother in law!

Good luck there πŸ™‚

I’d be the picture I paint myself.


I stopped talking a long time ago.Surprisingly people so try to change you for what you actually are.They won’t ever stop at anything.They want to see you the way they like to picture you.For instance,my mother wants to see me in pretty clothes,a great hair-do and makeover and stuff that all girls dream of all the time and put a lot of efforts into doing.Why is it so-I sometimes asked her and you know what she told me every time-that I want my children to look super all the time.I like to see you dress up.

When all I see is the wish that someday some guy would maybe love the looks of me and the great manners that she has taught me and ask for my hand in marriage and she’d marry me off with him(hah!that would remove some burden off her shoulders!).But would she stop for a second and ask me what I want?No!because I don’t think straight,do I?

So,this plan entirely goes down the drain because I’m not looking forward to marrying someone who doesn’t love me for me.I don’t want to give myself to someone who doesn’t knows the real me and claims to love the fake me-I WON’T!

And then there’s other people that come to know about my excellent mind-or so they say it.You are creative or at least try to be and people start thinking you can do anything-literally ANYTHING!!!

I couldn’t tell them that I wasn’t almighty but there was an almighty-so you can go to Him and ask for all the wonders you expect me to do for you!

In short,people-including my family,won’t give me a break so I decided that I didn’t want to take it anymore.

I had read somewhere:Silence is your best weapon!

And I don’t speak anymore.I don’t argue like I used to,no moot discussions any more.And let me tell you,I’m so happy since then.People did try to make me talk but I wouldn’t budge,Didn’t have it in me anymore.And then there came a time when I even forgot how my voice sounded.

Those who remember my voice say it was sweet as honey and melodious.But if embracing the silence means I get to shape myself as I wanted to be,’m glad I did what I did!

Finally I can paint my own image of what I want myself to look like.Finally I can fill my picture with the colours of my OWN choice!

Β