Diary Entry: A Dream Within A Dream


Dear diary,
last night I had a dream. A dream, I fell in love with!
I’m generally a daydreamer. I don’t dream with eyes closed, because I’m a deep sleeper. Well, I do, once in a blue moon. Last night was one such night. I was talking to some friends about meeting my guy in my dream. A guy,who is stuck somewhere in a tree or something, metaphorically of course. If not,then what’s taking him so long? Why wouldn’t he let himself be known to me? :/ I wasn’t really serious, knowing I don’t really dream with eyes closed. But I didn’t only meet my man, we got married in the dream. I still can’t get over the euphoria. I mean, me, dreaming is one slightly impossible thing. Me, dreaming about him is higher on the scale of impossible. But Me, getting married to the person I love(in fantasy) , even in a dream……..
EXQUISITE!!!
A dream, within a dream….
I woke up, wishing, I hadn’t! I didn’t want to let go of his sight, just yet(now the face is hazy, almost vanishing :/ ). But I had to! A dream like that every night, and I would wish I sleep forever and ever more!
It’s not healthy, I know. But the feeling is just too intoxicating. I’m not such a big fan of marrying a person you don’t love. And my aims and aspirations aside, there is this one person, for whom I would give up my lifelong passions and aims if I have to. I don’t have any wish to hurry in getting married but that one person-if he is the one pulling the strings….. I guess I don’t need to finish the sentence.
My sister’s B’day is just around the corner. I have to work on project Surprise for her. I must go and start working.
Ciao

Protected: Diary Entry: Matters of the Heart…..


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Love happened anyway


It’s a dangerous path a friend said.
Don’t let love mess with your head.
I’ll be on my guard, I replied.
And I swear before God, I tried.
But love happened anyway!

It was all new and overwhelming
Beauteous became everything
Pleasures amplified ten folds.
One face, eyes wanted to behold.
Yes, love happened!

I would keep dreaming all day
No time to eat, no time to play.
Come home, my dear loved one.
My pride, happiness, my joy, my fun
Seriously, love happened!

What was yours is now mine
Heart so kind, beauty divine
Sunshine for smile, touch so tender
Warmth and life, your one glance render
Oh boy, love happened!

Diary entry 118


Dear diary,
I have opened and closed this blog for 4th or 5th time, every time with a mind to write something, anything. But every time, I closed it again. Not being able to make my mind is a torture really. Now, finally I’m here and I’m writing.
Dear diary, there is a tremendous weight on my shoulders. The two people close to my heart here in Islamabad wont just stop giving me a hard time. I have thought hard and for long hours but my heart(that idiot!) wont let me let go of any of the two. He wants to stick to them just like an afraid child clings to his mother. Pathetic, I know. But if was it ever so easy to make this stupid heart understand, I would’ve done the job already. It just wont listen to me anymore. Yes, it pisses me off big time. So much that instead of using my most usual word “yeah”, I used “Yes.”
I’m often greeted with hot flashes in my body these days than not. It’s difficult to know the cause since I’m someone who is effected by cold more than the hot weather. Probably its just hypoglycemia because none of the other possible explanations could be related to me. And then there is this feeling of uneasiness in crowded places. I recently learned it is called Agoraphobia. Agora is a Greek word meaning “a place where people meet.” So roughly its the fear of market place or crowded places. It may also include the fear of vast open spaces. Nope, I’m not getting better in Psychology. I gave an exam on Monday that kept me awake whole night. It was a subject called “Mental Health and Psychopathology 2.” An otherwise interesting subject but so much syllabus piled up that I could not enjoy it while preparing for it.
Hell,no! I don’t have Agoraphobia (thank goodness) I just feel slightly uneasy and out of breath in crowded places,that’s it.
My roommate’s body spray ended some days back,so my lungs are enjoying the little break they have right now. I hope she never brings a new one. Because she doesn’t use them like a normal human being. She practically takes shower in her body spray, almost choking me to death every time!
Anyway, I still have so many mixed feelings but my mind is a bit calm now. I don’t wanna lose any of the two people whom I call my friends,here in Islamabad. But I can do nothing about it,just pray silently and hope that Allah listens to them soon,that Allah sees my lips moving and understands what my heart wants,then give it precisely what it desires.
I have an urge to run, a craving. But at this hour, I wont find a space long enough and deserted enough to do it. I wish there was such a place,though :-/
Until we meet again!

My Life Without You


What’s my life without you,my love?
I wonder as I lie here,gazing stars
Nothing catches my interest anymore
Days are void of happiness,
Nights;vacant,lonely and I’m a mess
As I sail upon these uneven waters
I wonder when our sufferings will end
Open barriers,flowing,swollen eyes
I want to be the man I am,I try
To let my folks know the truth about us
But as I look upon their faces
My resolve dissolves and I despair
The stars,the nature,the seas,the shore;
Except you,my heart knows no cure
And peace,it just wont come to me
Until you’re beside me,serene,secure
What crime did I commit,but to love you
Why wont this world just let us be?
I’ve made up my mind,I’ll make you mine
Don’t worry,the help would be divine
Just hold on,be brave,a little more wait
I’ll come for you,soon,I promise……
I’ll do the right thing,for us both.
I’ll be the strength to carry you;
The love you deserve,support you need
For what’s my life without you,my love…..?

The Break-up (part 2)


Its like his face is etched on my eyelids
I see him,even when I don’t want to
It’s as if he’s a part of me
His face keeps me up at night
I see him,with my eyes both open and closed
It’s as if he runs in my body
Instead of my blood
Keeping me alive and well
I can’t hide,can’t shun his memories
He’s become an essential part of me
And even if I run away
How can I outrun myself?
How can I escape me?
Oh Lord!This is torture.Its brutal!
How to go on living like that?
How do I survive?
He’s gone but my heart wont let go
I still remember the day we met
And the way we clicked
Like two fitting pieces of a puzzle
As if we were made for each other
Life was all roses and stolen kisses
The late night talks,the giggles
His hugs,felt like home
Love flowing through his eyes
His mischievous smile
Eyes fixed on me,taking all in;savoring
The longing and patience on his part
Oh,and the way he made me feel special
Face;reflecting his own satisfaction
. . . . . . POOF. . . . . . And he’s vanished. . . .
From my life,from my world
Only the memories remain to remind me
No more jolly dancing,no more late night strolls
I’m a broken shard,a hopeless soul now
Insanely sane,going completely insane
Tossing and turning,aching for him
Asking myself “Why?”,over and over
I remember that wretched cold night
As if it was just happening now
Sitting across him on our table for two
I dread that moment,but there’s nothing I can do
He’s made up his mind,I can see it in his eyes
Nothing now,can bring a change
I say,”I can take it!I can take it all!!!”
Silently begging him,take me,make me Yours
But whom was I trying to fool?
He’s so quiet;not a good sign
I wait. . . .patience,slowly leaving me
Then it hits me
,flooding my eyes
He doesn’t want me anymore
But I have to make sure
Wishing I misread his silence
I accuse him,”You’re leaving me,aren’t you?”
He utters not,even a single word
As if he needed to,in the first place
This knowledge does little to help me
I feel frozen in time,numb,lifeless
I want to put up a strong front
But my eyes have a mind of their own
Collecting all my energies,left
I look his way for the last time
And that’s when my heart starts to weep
And my eyes,they too,join in
Goodbye is never easy
There’s indecision,frustration in his stance
A moment that gave away the hidden truth
“He’s still in love with me and I reciprocate!”
But DAMN his sense of responsibility!!!
Did he have to be the thoughtful one?
So what if he was old,I did already accept
Our love was blind,we knew its depth
Why did he have to be with maturity then?
I still wait,and will wait for an eternity
Oh Love!you are so ruthless and deadly
Where should I go?Whom should I tell?
That Love made my life a real Hell
Engulfed by sorrow,I still seek his arms
An embrace of love,that I’ll never get
And a home I can never forget

https://neyoxhan.wordpress.com/2013/12/05/the-break-up-part-1/

Diary entry 72


Dear diary,

I’m going to my aunt’s place today.Missed my bus earlier because didn’t know it’s departing time.But this time when the buses leave I’d be in one of them In Sha Allah!

My heart is officially out of order.There is a peculiar feeling,almost like fear.I have no reason to feel fear but there is something inside,I can’t quite place.Still torn between going home and staying.I’m hoping that a visit to my aunt’s place would help me decide.I dunno how my Kenyan roommate and all the other foreigners live even 2 to 4 years without going home.I don’t know if I’d ever be able to do that.

I miss my little sister,I miss my mum,and dad and brothers . . . . .

*sigh*

Anyway,its extremely hot here and I’m bored again.

My heart wont stop killing me.Its like its warning me that something bad is going to happen and soon.Dunno what,but I’d rather take it seriously because,it is right most of the time.

I seriously have no idea what I came here to write,all my thoughts are gone.so I better go too.

See you very soon again,if life permits!

Sayonara!

 

Diary entry 54


Words don’t make any sense any more,dear diary! I tried to find why. But I couldn’t.
I feel alone because the people I care about are busy making and living their own lives. And those who actually care about me,are far from me. People say that distances don’t matter when your heart beats for someone. They are WRONG dear diary! I miss my loved ones big time. It’s almost been a month since I last went home.
But the thing I miss the most is MYSELF. I’m neither lost nor dead, then why do I feel different? Why does it feel like I’ve become more of a brick wall than an actual person?
I skipped some days of writing here because I was busy being sick. And tonight I’m writing because I’m more sick and fever wont let me sleep. Last night was the same except for the writing part(well not entirely true. I wrote a poem on the back of my diary because it was difficult for me to sit and type.)
My throat is painful and I’m tired. I’m on a sick leave from university and I haven’t been to Al-Huda in ages. I feel so horrible about that 😦

But this is how life works,I guess. Whenever you are so sure of something, it invites you to take a step back and then decide.
I better go before I tire and damage myself beyond repair.

P.S:Poem later In Sha Allah!

 

Diary entry 27


Dear diary,

*sigh*

Going home might not be as easy as I thought. What with all this rain!

Driving is becoming more and more difficult for dad. I’m just hoping we still find a way to end this journey on its actual destination. I don’t wanna stay in Islamabad now that I finally can go.

I’m just praying we make it to my home TODAY!!!

When I said “hope to meet you soon”, I didn’t expect to meet you so soon. But who knows what fate holds ahead. I needed to share, so here I am, knocking at your door again.

We are in Rawal Pindi, and I hate this convoluted city. (Yeah I hate my friend’s city)

But it seems I’ll have to spend the night in this very city.

Just my luck!!!

Hours of wait stretching. Lets see if I make it to my home or to my grandpa’s place in Rawal Pindi.

Wish me luck!

Night!

Diary entry 13


Dear diary,

I’ve been trying to decide if I should write a full fledge entry today or not.Actually I wished to write but I’m down with temperature again and its being so brutal that I can’t even rest properly.There is so much to tell you but I can’t even write the assignment that’s due today.Yeah,my life’s been messy since I came back.The only thing my heart desires right now is the lap of my mother and her care until I get healthy-but I know that’s the one thing I can’t have today or tomorrow and who knows when I’d be able to go and see her again!

Hate you Flu,hate you Fever!!!

Love you mum and miss you!

Can’t write anymore . . . . . .