Diary Entry:So long….

Dear Diary,

It’s been a long while, I know, I know! There was a time when I used to write regularly. Sometimes even twice or thrice in the same day. But times have changed. I still have so much to say, all the time but there are other things that keep my mind clogged all the time. Anyway, it’s almost the end of my 2nd semester here at Lahore Garrison University and the journey has been slightly bumpy but full of learning and fun. I’m happy here, Alhamdulillah! I don’t like Lahore and I still desperately miss Islamabad but when it’s time to leave, I’m going to miss my teacher so very much!
Anyway, I should be working on my case reports which were due yesterday but there was something inside me, stopping me from actually getting on with my work. My internal alarm is buzzing slightly telling me something awful is just waiting to happen. It’s  strong enough to make me restless. And that’s how I ended up writing here, instead of working on my case reports(my supervisor might kill me for being 2 days late >.< ). We had a meeting with our head of department yesterday. All the class representatives were present. In the past, I always used to get frustrated inside because whenever there were any competitions held in the uni, we, the post graduate classes in particular and my whole department in general, were never told about them until it was already too late to participate. And now, they need our active participation in different activities. That’s kinda good news, I guess. The times have changed for the better!
Most of the activities involve writing stuff. University magazine is about to come out and we are supposed to send in our work as well. First to the department, then they would choose which ones to forward to literary society. I wonder sometimes, why am I not a part of the literary society. But then my mind laughs and says “nice joke!” :p Yes i write but I don’t write anything of a substance. I really need to work on that. And yeah, I know I’m a helluva lazy person, which reminds me, I still haven’t completed the research work that I was supposed to do for a conference. I’m lagging behind and writing stuff that isn’t coming directly from my mind or the one that has facts and figures, it exhausts me, so MUCH! The conference has been moved to August, which isn’t a very comforting news. And what the hell am I doing anyway, trying to conduct researches?! I don’t even like research work! 😐 I know my teacher is the culprit behind this erratic behaviour of mine. She talks to inspire and her smile, it adds magic. She got to me like she gets to most people and I love her for that!
Ughhh, the case studies- I seriously hate them! I mean, the actual work is fun. But writing detailed histories and all the repetitive stuff…… it’s exhausting! I must go now. Have a long way to go before I am done with them :/



Diary Entry: Ages Passed

Dear diary,
ages have passed since I last wrote in here. I can’t even remember when I did. Anyway, my first semester has long been over. I’m done with one of my mid term exams. Two left to go. My Placement viva for Adult psychopathology is finally over and I passed with flying colours. I’m still top most in my class. But you know me, I don’t really deserve that. I don’t work for it!
Anyway, I’ve made a new friend and I’m in love with one of my teachers. She’s a big motivating person in my life now a days, for which I’m very much thankful. She urges me to be better and do better. University life doesn’t suck as much either. I miss Islamabad, very much. The nature, the beauty that used to calm me down, its long gone. I miss that so much! I have developed a very bad habit ever since I came to Lahore. I start studying an hour or so before my exam. The rest of the time, I keep wasting.
Living in a room without a big window is frustrating. I often feel down. And those are the times when my teacher usually comes in handy. I enjoy talking to her. I’m super attached. She has grown attached too. But I miss when I’m unable to talk to her. And I do realize that she’s an extremely busy person. But I can’t help it!
Right now, I feel a little down because it’s been days since I’ve had a chance to talk to her properly. Oh no, not because I’m not free but because she isn’t. She’s going to be our new head of department. On one hand, I love the idea and on the other, I worry, she would be way more busy than usual and then I won’t have enough time to talk to her :/ Man! that sucks! And being super attached to someone sucks too!
I should probably go and try to hold myself together.
See you soon, if life permits!


Diary Entry: Still Very Much in Love

Dear diary,
I have joined Lahore Garrison University, a place I dreamt of being at, as soon as I came to know it existed. I am on my way to become a Clinical Psychologist. I’m so happy ever since I came here. It’s as if my life has an actual purpose now. I’m finally interested in actual studies. I can finally say I’m content.
My life here in Lahore and my life generally has taken a big twist. Okay, I knew I was much more than I ever let people see in Islamic Uni, but the way I am now, it’s got even me surprised. I’m the new CR for my class, I’m a whole lot social and chatty, even with the people I hardly know. I actually joke around with teachers and participate in class discussions more than perhaps my whole class does, when combined. I’m more confident than I was ever before. I’m not afraid of messing up anymore. This new found confidence is intoxicating. All this positivity, it’s made my life better, happier. I enjoy every single moment of it! Oh, and I have grown busier. CMH in the mornings classes in the evenings.
But you know what hasn’t changed?! My heart. It still aches for a person I still can’t have. In between my elated and euphoric moods, there comes a day or two, every now and then, that brings me sadness and negativity all over again. And even after being so aware of what I am and what I can be, what I can accomplish, I still have that single day that tries to bring me down. And since I don’t have any other reason to loathe myself, my heart fabricates one very convenient one. Because my love is an unrequited one, I start big on self doubting. Maybe I don’t deserve him. Maybe He’s too good for me.
Then comes the stage when I establish, that I’m totally as worth being happy in my life, as the next person. And he’s not too good for me. Once my heart is settled on this fact, I start thinking maybe he thinks I’m not worthy enough to deserve him, which is just a pathetic way of self torture and destruction. And then I have no way of denying that, so I go a little more downward on my self-doubting ride. Then time for a sudden uplift comes. My little sisters come in handy at this stage. They keep telling me he’s a fool for not realizing my worth and that I deserve better than him. And that I’m not the one who doesn’t deserve him, he’s the one who doesn’t deserve me. Which works even though I don’t actually agree. And when they are not around, I take solace in praying to Allah and asking Him to take the love of that person out of my heart and replace it with the person’s love who would be mine and is right for me. And if I have, by some mistake, stumbled upon the right person and currently he resides in my heart, make things easier for me then.
I would be blunt, I would tell him that I’m someone who prided myself in not being a believer of before marriage love. I love my parents so much that I wouldn’t ever dare to cause them pain by betraying them and falling for someone. He would have to be some extra special entity to have made me fall for him, head over heels. And he totally is! If only he’d know. If only he’d let me confess without cutting me off…. If only I could tell him, I accidentally made him my worst weakness and that I’m not interested in a futile relationship. I’m better than that. And yes, I dream but I’m not totally naive. I’m not looking for a temporary, illegal fix for my insanity. The idea of him not being mine and some other lass having him, its hard on my nerves. If I was capable of irrational emotions, I would totally hate the 3rd person. I don’t want to like her but I can’t hate her because I don’t even know her. And even if I did, I wouldn’t hate her for being the centre of affection of the person I love.
Grrrrrrr…… I’m in such a deep emotional mess! And all because I dared to dream. No, I’m never going to be sorry for taking a chance and trying to dream. I won’t apologize for being hopeful and I won’t kill myself for nit being enough.
Guess, I still talk too much >_< But it’s late and I have a sick body to take care if and of course have work in the morning.
See you ASAP.