Diary Entry: Blunders


Dear Diary,

Never again would I ever be the moderator of another official program in my life.

*huff!!!*

I mean, seriously, the pressure, the blunders, the anxiety…….. That’s simply too much!

In case you are wondering what happened, well, I was asked to be the moderator for a workshop organized by the faculty of Social Sciences in our university today, because our “usual” moderator had to go out of station. The anxiety started building up yesterday evening when I thought about actually doing the deed.  But I spent the whole time recording a voice-over for a video that my little cousin was making for a competition in her college. I had the basic structure and the event schedule provided to me yesterday but my mind didn’t feel fresh enough to rehearse, by the time I finished recording. So I simply ignored the urge to practice (a decision that by the way I am glad to have made now.)

My day today, started with running towards the auditorium because I was 3 minutes late as the bus wasn’t on time. But turned out that i was 7-12 minutes early anyway. Anyway, the starting was a little jittery but I survived through most of the day by rushing to refill my water bottle again and again during the times when the speakers were lecturing and then announcing the next speaker. Half of the time was spent giving introductions and the other half of the time was spent calling out the designations and names of important people of the university, like the dean, the registrar, the acting vice chancellor. Not to mention the repeated changes in the sequence of events and my hurried scrolls on my diary to remember those changes.

But that wasn’t enough. The closing ceremony was yet an even bigger disaster, waiting to happen. As I came on stage to announce the names of the resource persons and the organizing committee members for the reception of their respective shields and certificates, a teacher and the dean kept bugging me with new names or information every second which confused me so much. I guess, some accidents are bound to happen. So there I was, publicly humiliating myself by mixing the names and designations of who should present the next shield to whom. And to top it off, I didn’t know the name of our acting vice chancellor or even the registrar (thanks to me being an antisocial moron who doesn’t give a damn to whatever is happening around her) and I might even get chastised for it later. But I’m glad, the nightmare is over!

Never again!!!

And the most disappointing part of today was that I couldn’t be attentive during the whole speaker’s session and it was related to Qualitative research- my research is a qualitative one as well. Oh, and my head of department didn’t come today so that was very discouraging as well. But I’ve told her that I hate her for not coming today, even though, we both know that’s not true!

And right now, I feel like- either drinking a big mug of tea or sleeping for years without being disturbed! *rolling my eyes* (Like that’s gonna happen -_- )

Mayn, I’m tired!

*yawns*

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Diary Entry: I Write Again


Dear diary,

It’s been 4 months…… who would’ve thought that I can stay AWOL for 4 months and not say a single word….. No, I don’t have a good reason for my absentees. I’ve just been overworked and lazy and unmotivated and distracted and uninspired and oh, all the usual reasons, for on and off. I’ve been meaning to , no, wanting to write in here for as long as I haven’t written here but every single time, I didn’t. I can’t fathom why.

It’s my last semester in LGU. I still don’t fancy Lahore but I will miss my university and most importantly it’s people, very much. I’ve made more acquaintances here, by will as well as by force (ahem, ahem) than I care to accept. My time here has been enjoyable so far. I’ve also made some people resent me although I don’t know what did I do to make them so. SIST’17 is just around the corner and between freelance writing, university classes, thesis work and different competitions, my mind feels like totally fried but still excited.I don’t know how long I can go on like this though. I’m in a great need for respite but the time never comes and my eyes keep awaiting.

There is one more event coming. NIMUN’17. Surprisingly I have made it into the team again but I’m not very much positive that I will be accompanying the final list of my university’s team ambassadors seeing that my knowledge about Politics, current affairs and all the other “important” topics is seriously lacking.

Anyway, lets see what happens. I will have to work really hard on this one if I want to make it to Islamabad.

And today, I’m just writing for the sake of writing with no purpose in mind. It’s great to be back though!

Until next time!

Diary Entry:So long….


Dear Diary,

It’s been a long while, I know, I know! There was a time when I used to write regularly. Sometimes even twice or thrice in the same day. But times have changed. I still have so much to say, all the time but there are other things that keep my mind clogged all the time. Anyway, it’s almost the end of my 2nd semester here at Lahore Garrison University and the journey has been slightly bumpy but full of learning and fun. I’m happy here, Alhamdulillah! I don’t like Lahore and I still desperately miss Islamabad but when it’s time to leave, I’m going to miss my teacher so very much!
Anyway, I should be working on my case reports which were due yesterday but there was something inside me, stopping me from actually getting on with my work. My internal alarm is buzzing slightly telling me something awful is just waiting to happen. It’s  strong enough to make me restless. And that’s how I ended up writing here, instead of working on my case reports(my supervisor might kill me for being 2 days late >.< ). We had a meeting with our head of department yesterday. All the class representatives were present. In the past, I always used to get frustrated inside because whenever there were any competitions held in the uni, we, the post graduate classes in particular and my whole department in general, were never told about them until it was already too late to participate. And now, they need our active participation in different activities. That’s kinda good news, I guess. The times have changed for the better!
Most of the activities involve writing stuff. University magazine is about to come out and we are supposed to send in our work as well. First to the department, then they would choose which ones to forward to literary society. I wonder sometimes, why am I not a part of the literary society. But then my mind laughs and says “nice joke!” :p Yes i write but I don’t write anything of a substance. I really need to work on that. And yeah, I know I’m a helluva lazy person, which reminds me, I still haven’t completed the research work that I was supposed to do for a conference. I’m lagging behind and writing stuff that isn’t coming directly from my mind or the one that has facts and figures, it exhausts me, so MUCH! The conference has been moved to August, which isn’t a very comforting news. And what the hell am I doing anyway, trying to conduct researches?! I don’t even like research work! 😐 I know my teacher is the culprit behind this erratic behaviour of mine. She talks to inspire and her smile, it adds magic. She got to me like she gets to most people and I love her for that!
Ughhh, the case studies- I seriously hate them! I mean, the actual work is fun. But writing detailed histories and all the repetitive stuff…… it’s exhausting! I must go now. Have a long way to go before I am done with them :/

Ciao!

Diary Entry: Dreams


Dear diary,
Dreams SUCK!
I should know, I’m a sucker for dreams. The daydreams. Not the ones seen with closed eyes. And my dream institute sucks big time as well. Not exactly the institute, but some parts of it. Major portions!
For example, my university’s hostel and management. Garrison University held a such charm in my naive mind, before I was officially a part of it. Now I know, it was made for one purpose and one purpose alone; Business!
Yes, I’m ashamed to say, that they have turned such a sacred task of transfer of knowledge into merchandise. The more students advance through their grades, the more expensive the degrees become and with hectic routines in which one can’t even do a part time job to earn, sadly enough, we; those who wish to get higher education, are breaking our parents’ backbone by taking so much money.
As if that’s not enough, mess charges are increased, whenever the management wishes to do so, without prior notice or consent. For the sake of their advertisement, they have mentioned on their website that the hostel is fully furnished(yeah, I put my stuff in an invisible cupboard everyday, and sleep on an invisible bed. How charming! )
On one side, this place has helped me in my personal growth and on the other, its the reason of a constant disappointment, rage, depression, frustration and all other such
ugly emotions- you name it!
I’m tired of this city, I’m tired of this place. Islamabad was heaven compared to this hellhole here! I wanna go back, so badly!
Waiting for any such miracle!
I must go. I’m so exhausted :/
As for these relentless people- will see you guys in front of Allah! He will see to your injustice there and then.
May Allah help save us all from such hypocritical lot, that comprises my university management.

P.S: Dear Islamabad, I miss you so badly and I would try my level best to come back soon ❤

Diary Entry:LGU Times


Dear Diary,
It’s mid term exam time and as usual I’m sitting blank. I don’t even know what my subject name is, so basically I’m screwed >_<  Anxiety level is a little bit higher but instead of preparing for my exam, I’m preparing for a presentation. I guess, I will start preparation an hour or so before I actually have to write, which is absurd and daring on my part. Perhaps a little too daring even for me, seeing that it’s a new place I’m in and this place is definitely not IIUI :/
Well, as usual I’m writing in here when clearly I need to be studying. I guess this writing is one big reason I don’t freak out when I’m about to be overwhelmed. Oh, and the best creative ideas seem to have some kind of grudge with me. They come when I can’t write them down either because of lack of enough time or resources. Plus, writer’s block sucks big time!
SIST 2016 is right around the corner and I’m not prepared for it even in the slightest. I guess, it’s because I’m not participating in the categories that I’m the best at- Tajweed and Nasheed. This time I’m doing something I have no idea how to do :p Journalism and Spoken word. And the theme this year is also a bit difficult for my “sleeping-for-an-eternity-brain.” I know, winning isn’t everything. It’s just the plus point of competing. But It scares the crap out of me to even thing about the theme this time.
“The Future Awaits: What’s Next?”
I mean, how in the world am I supposed to know the future???!!! And how am I supposed to write about it when I don’t know it?! And that too with a dumb mind :/ I can’t concentrate :/
Anyway, it’s a test I need to pass and it’s something I love. Plus, participation in SIST as a Youth Club team member, is an honour in itself and it’s way better than not participating or missing SIST altogether! Not winning is kinda okay but not okay. Well I guess I will have to get back to it AFTER my exams >.<
Anyway,I must go and try to study for a bit. I hope I do succeed this time :/
Until next time (which would be soon enough-lets say before Psychopathology exam >.< )
Chao!

Diary Entry: Still Very Much in Love


Dear diary,
I have joined Lahore Garrison University, a place I dreamt of being at, as soon as I came to know it existed. I am on my way to become a Clinical Psychologist. I’m so happy ever since I came here. It’s as if my life has an actual purpose now. I’m finally interested in actual studies. I can finally say I’m content.
My life here in Lahore and my life generally has taken a big twist. Okay, I knew I was much more than I ever let people see in Islamic Uni, but the way I am now, it’s got even me surprised. I’m the new CR for my class, I’m a whole lot social and chatty, even with the people I hardly know. I actually joke around with teachers and participate in class discussions more than perhaps my whole class does, when combined. I’m more confident than I was ever before. I’m not afraid of messing up anymore. This new found confidence is intoxicating. All this positivity, it’s made my life better, happier. I enjoy every single moment of it! Oh, and I have grown busier. CMH in the mornings classes in the evenings.
But you know what hasn’t changed?! My heart. It still aches for a person I still can’t have. In between my elated and euphoric moods, there comes a day or two, every now and then, that brings me sadness and negativity all over again. And even after being so aware of what I am and what I can be, what I can accomplish, I still have that single day that tries to bring me down. And since I don’t have any other reason to loathe myself, my heart fabricates one very convenient one. Because my love is an unrequited one, I start big on self doubting. Maybe I don’t deserve him. Maybe He’s too good for me.
Then comes the stage when I establish, that I’m totally as worth being happy in my life, as the next person. And he’s not too good for me. Once my heart is settled on this fact, I start thinking maybe he thinks I’m not worthy enough to deserve him, which is just a pathetic way of self torture and destruction. And then I have no way of denying that, so I go a little more downward on my self-doubting ride. Then time for a sudden uplift comes. My little sisters come in handy at this stage. They keep telling me he’s a fool for not realizing my worth and that I deserve better than him. And that I’m not the one who doesn’t deserve him, he’s the one who doesn’t deserve me. Which works even though I don’t actually agree. And when they are not around, I take solace in praying to Allah and asking Him to take the love of that person out of my heart and replace it with the person’s love who would be mine and is right for me. And if I have, by some mistake, stumbled upon the right person and currently he resides in my heart, make things easier for me then.
I would be blunt, I would tell him that I’m someone who prided myself in not being a believer of before marriage love. I love my parents so much that I wouldn’t ever dare to cause them pain by betraying them and falling for someone. He would have to be some extra special entity to have made me fall for him, head over heels. And he totally is! If only he’d know. If only he’d let me confess without cutting me off…. If only I could tell him, I accidentally made him my worst weakness and that I’m not interested in a futile relationship. I’m better than that. And yes, I dream but I’m not totally naive. I’m not looking for a temporary, illegal fix for my insanity. The idea of him not being mine and some other lass having him, its hard on my nerves. If I was capable of irrational emotions, I would totally hate the 3rd person. I don’t want to like her but I can’t hate her because I don’t even know her. And even if I did, I wouldn’t hate her for being the centre of affection of the person I love.
Grrrrrrr…… I’m in such a deep emotional mess! And all because I dared to dream. No, I’m never going to be sorry for taking a chance and trying to dream. I won’t apologize for being hopeful and I won’t kill myself for nit being enough.
Guess, I still talk too much >_< But it’s late and I have a sick body to take care if and of course have work in the morning.
See you ASAP.