Closed Doors


“When one door closes, another opens,” I’ve heard it so many times. Oh, I so want it to be true, especially right now. Things have been on a downward spiral for me. My beloved madam left the university and I didn’t even get to meet her before she left. I applied for a job that perfectly suited me (the introvert side of me), I got a call from there today telling me to join them on training on coming Saturday. This news would have been a silver lining to my dark cloudy sky but it didn’t comfort me because my father isn’t permitting me to join.

I spent over half of my life, thinking I wasn’t good enough. Loads of self-criticism can sometimes do that to you. And instead of judging people, I judge myself- A LOT. And then there was my mum, telling me I didn’t do anything good with my life and I couldn’t do anything good because I told her I wasn’t teaching material. Thank to my introversion again, public speaking has never been my thing. I’ve tried and failed miserably. Not including presentations in the class, I used to ace them but that’s not the point. According to her, if I can’t teach, it means I can’t do anything. I always tend to ignore such negative remarks or fight about them but sometimes, in some weak moment, when I hear something like this, it stays with me. Being an introvert has never been easy mainly because nobody else in my family or even in my relatives, is an introvert. So people don’t understand what they aren’t even aware about. After studying about these personality types, I slowly started telling people about them and letting them know that it wasn’t any disorder or disease, that it was normal.

Anyway, I haven’t been able to do any further work on my research, ever since my supervisor told me to increase it’s length. So, my life is a big disappointment for me right now and nobody would let me change it even though I want it to. I applied for a job because I wanted my life to be meaningful. I wanted to feel that my life was worth living, that I wasn’t another average ordinary “female” whose sole duty is to do household chores. I know that’s what my parents want to see- me, married and happy. What they don’t realize is, marriage might never make me happy. To leave one place where nobody wants to let you do with your life as you please and end up in another place where the same thing is going to happen, only the person passing orders would be different this time…..there’s nothing attractive for me in that kind of life.

I dunno what’s gonna happen but I hope all these wrong doors would close on me and the right one would open soon before I go insane!

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Diary Entry: Journey


Dear diary,

I’m on my way to home after wasting two weeks entirely. I’ve been procrastinating my research work on peak. I’ve hit the bottom of the pit of lack of motivation. All I keep thinking about is my novel, which I haven’t written a single word of, after completing 3 chapters. The problem with that is that I keep thinking about the climax points of the book. I’m very much clear on those parts. I’ve even thoughts about the dialogues and every single detail for those chapters. It’s the initial chapters that would lead the story towards those chapters that I am having trouble with. I mean, I want to write them as well and like a normal human being, proceed in the right order of the novel, from start to end but I guess, by now, we all know that there is nothing about me that yells “this person is normal!” Yes, I know, I’m not normal. I’m the very definition of abnormal- not even special kind of abnormal.

*sigh*

My next war has already started. I want to join mindbridge; a call centre, for a job that they offered. The job was perfect as it was a written one. Online chats and email related and I totally aced both my interviews but my family wont let me join, which is frustrating. Let’s be honest here. I don’t do the talking. I know I can talk, I can talk really well if I try a little but talking just isn’t my kind of thing. I can write better and I’m sure that my fingers work in sync with my mind but my tongue just refuses to comply most of the times. Mum has labelled it as lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she’s right. But I blame my introversion. Even though I know very well that it’s not a disease but it’s who I am, I still don’t want to come out of my comfort zone when it comes to talking. Mum wants me to take some teaching job back in my hometown but teaching is just not my thing. Talking is a big no for me, duh!

People keep stressing that I should be married by now. But it’s not on my to do list right now. I have to stand once again for a chance at further studies. Yes, I don’t want to quit just yet. I never wanted to study more than ADCP because it was the minimum requirement for joining armed forces and I’ve been crazy passionate about armed forces all my life. I just wanted to end up there, still do. But it’s not enough now. Thanks to my beloved head of department :/ Now I want to gain a PhD and perhaps a post-doctoral degree as well (and people want to kill me for being so difficult and not getting married already)

People have this common notion in Pakiland that those who do a PhD, go partially insane. No worries there as I’m pretty sure, I already am partially insane. Anyway, I know, each step towards that goal- insanity or no insanity- means waging another war at home. But everyone knows its really hard to sway me once I have made up my mind. Let’s see what happens.

I miss my stupid friends very much these days. Been dropping subtle hints in the form of poetic verses but they don’t seem to get the idea. But then again, I feel like kicking them out of my life for not realizing that I’m trying to talk to them. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, do they even remember me, do they even miss me or am I the only one…. And when waiting for them to get the hint becomes too much, I just feel like throwing them out of my contact list, for abandoning me and leaving me with my stupid toxic thoughts even though they knew fully well that I’m a person who thinks a LOT!!! Hate you peeps for that! I dunno, I might just erase myself from your lives completely because it hurts to see your names and not talk to you but remember all the fun times we spent together. Feels like another lifetime. And I’ve been very loyal to you idiots. I didn’t make any new friends, unlike you guys. I didn’t abandon you guys but you got busy in your own lives and left me behind. My city changed, so what?! Did that mean you had to remove me from your hearts too?! Yes, I’m cross. Very cross indeed! And you know what, if I turn my back, if I turn cold, there won’t be any force that would make me love you ever again. Just sayin’. Don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you, if that happens. Huh! Your silence has always been a loud enough voice for me.

*sigh*

Okay, that’s officially too much “sighing” on my part.

*sigh*

ugh!

The moon is kinda Orangy tonight. And I should wrap this thing up because I have started writing more crap than usual.

 

Until next time!

You never know how things would turn


Today proved to be a longer day than I actually anticipated.Had a class at 08:30 and the teacher didn’t show so I spent my time doing the assignment that was due today and I was neglecting it from past whole week.I still had some time left until the next class so I started playing a game on my cell.Thats how pass my time mostly-playing games,reading e-books or the actual paper and cover kind of books or thinking about stupid ideas . . . . of course the list goes on.Teacher came at 10:00 and my 2nd class(according to timetable)started.After one and a half hour of introduction of law class,my stomach was growling.the teacher was taking attendance and I was trying to decide what would I eat when I finally go free when our CR entered the class and announced:

“It’s a message from head of department that at 11:30,you all have to assemble and head to the auditorium for a seminar.Its compulsory and your attendance would be marked.”

Aww,c’mon!I haven’t eaten anything in-lets say AGES!

(Yeah,I went with an empty stomach today-so my protest was my right)

Anyway,I want to the auditorium and found myself a place.When the seminar started,the organizer came and you know what was her sentence was-thank you for accepting our invitation-REALLY!!!

No,I wasn’t furious of course.I love to attend seminars,though not on an empty stomach.

The topic of discussion was Pakistan today:challenges and responsibilities-hmmm,political aura-not something I have a liking for-but I kept sitting there anyway.Then I saw my university’s vice president and I knew that no matter how the other speakers do-this man’s going to make it a good experience and a memorable one.And I was right.The man certainly knows how to speak and win hearts!

While recounting from 70’s he said he met someone while visiting abroad.He  had two opinions about Pakistan’s future.The pessimistic one was that Pakistan would be worse and his optimism said that it would remain as bad as it was then.

Then he talked about the whole non-Muslim world talking that the biggest hindrance in Pakistan’s  development is Islam.He raised the question-Is our government really Islamic?Was it ever really Islamic?He took names of all the past rulers and the  facts were put open before our eyes-Wow,I never thought like that before.

The other thing the foreign media worries about is that Pakistanis don’t have their identities(I’m still confused about what type of identities).Who cares?A jobless old man would have the least care about his identity and for him the pressing issue would be how to get the food for the next time he’s hungry……..

The guest speaker gave an impressive talk too.His first action was objection of the topic itself.He said that instead of opportunities,we focus on seeing them as challenges.We need to change the way of our thinking.We have a lot of positives in us.Pakistan has the largest number of youth-and its a great blessing.Only if we learn how to direct their energies for a better cause . . . . .

We can’t say anything likewise about our rulers but the society of Pakistan has shown its strength from time to time.Look back to the time of earth quake of 2005 or the flood of 2010.We are that nation who has given space to our 1.7 million or more Afghan refugee brothers and we not only welcomed them but helped them mix in us so that we no longer feel like two different nations but one.We are flexible and a brave nation.The problem is our unending slumber.

We see what we want to see-this is one trick our mind plays with us.Which takes me back to the point from where I stated-A change of the way we perceive things!

Every person in the discussion panel gave excellent eye-opening points-in short they made it enjoyable,sometimes cracking jokes related to their point-I enjoyed the sitting fully.

At 02:00 I finally left auditorium and went to check if there was a slightest chance that my teacher was in class-SHE WAS!!!

*frown*

Humph,Just my luck!

So I had to take in half hour of something alien because I just there and heard her voice staring blankly at her face.I still have no idea what she taught.While trying to write what she said,words kept on skipping my mind.Yeah I’m still trying to figure out what actually happened to me then.

Finally at 02:30 I came back to my room and now here I am,just finishing up an account of my day.

 

the official mice catcher


My mum is terrified of mice.She can’t even stand the thought of having a mouse in the same room as her.She would try anything and everything in her power to get rid of them while keeping her maximum distance.If a mouse died,she would not go and pick it up for its disposal.

Thats where the official mouse catcher comes into the picture.In case you wonder who this Official Mouse catcher is-ITS ME 😀

Yeah,whenever I come back from my hostel,there is a stray mouse in my home,disturbing the peace there.So,my job is to catch it-alive or dead-and throw it away.

Don’t ask how I do it-maybe its just a matter of good fortune for me and the hard luck at the part of the mouse.

I catch it and throw it away but can’t kill it-but mum doesn’t argue on this subject as long as I get rid of it for her.