Diary Entry:In Memory of A lost Soul


Dear diary,
I lost my Pakistani roommate and friend to Poison on Tuesday, January 20,2015. What’s more shocking is that I left her the evening before, in hostel, so cheerful and positive. And what hurts is, that I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye properly because I was getting late for my bus to Rawalpindi. Regrets, regrets and more regrets…… with guilt splashed here and there. What’s even worse is that I haven’t been able to see her for the last time before her burial because of my exam that evening.
Parents and students are afraid, at least those who know about the matter. Curious people kept flooding to my room to investigate, pretending that they feel so bad about her death even though they don’t have a clue of who she was! (Yeah, that’s super-infuriating!!!)
Last time I think I complained about life being boring, and now the kind of excitement I have, I don’t want any piece of it.
One final and viva is left then I would be free from university again In sha Allah, for a couple of days. Then I will have to actually focus on packing my bags from AFIC Mess and shifting them back to my aunt’s place and then the internship itself. As if submitting cases to my university wasn’t enough, which by the way, we have to submit by Monday, we have to submit a case in AFIMH too, before it ends.
(As if, our life wasn’t bad enough!)
I haven’t been able to go back to my home for more than a month and it doesn’t seem like I will be able to, except for a weekend. I, sometimes wonder, if all this sacrifice is worth it…. Because I don’t know how much time I have got and how much time my beloveds have. A sudden death like that of my friend isn’t an uncommon thing. And honestly, I’m terrified of dying without any reason. I want my life as well as my death to have a purpose that helps someone at least. I know the worth of my life; I want my death to be worthy too!
Anyway, back to my old whiney and boring self now. Of course I have lots and lots of things to say but all those things would need my concentration and motivation to come out of the “mind-box” where I hoard them. And I’m not feeling particularly motivated to write any more. Plus I have to prepare for my exam :/ not something I like very much to do. But time is pretty crucial these days and I need to focus….

Till next time…
Hasta Lavista!!!

Diary Entry:Writing From Hell-hole


Dear diary,
It’s been so long since I last wrote but I’ve missed writing so much that I’ve started to get overwhelmed by the ideas I get these days. My finals are just around the corner and so is SIST 2015. My Internship was supposed to end by the end of January but it got extended til February 10,2015. I’ve been living in AFIC-NIHD AFNS Officers Mess for past 19 days. At first, it felt like I’ve been living any Army dream. But now that I have this life,no matter how temporary, I feel as if my own room in my university hostel is my only link to my sanity. It’s my only safe haven! I don’t wanna live here anymore! The food is good and ample but I don’t have any peace of mind. I haven’t been able to sleep comfortably at night, since I came to this Godforsaken place, so, when It’s finally time to wake up, I’m too tired to leave the bed :/ I usually spend my days either in hospital where I waste my entire time waiting for a miracle to happen or in bed, waiting for another miracle to happen. Sometimes I forget how loneliness gnaws at my soul because I have a friend by my side(virtually-even though i wish it was in flesh and blood) and at other times, I miss my teddy bear,who probably misses me too,sitting alone on my bed in my Uni hostel. My only escape ever from this rotten routine is when I go out, roam the roads of Pindi, with lots of things that I need to buy but end up not buying because I dread going in to shops and getting them. So I end up either eating or buying a lot of edibles that I finish before the night is even up!
I miss my home,my family. But even when my exams are over,I wont be able to go home because of my internship. I miss my friends but I wont be able to share any new moments with them because I wont be in hostel to be with them. And the worst part is,that the internship sucks too! It’s nothing like my old one, and I miss my supervisor so much in moments like this.
I’ve been reading 3 books these days. But I can’t find peace in them any longer. I am bored to my core!!!
I missed my presentations and I don’t seem to care any more. I don’t freaking have prepared for my finals and I don’t give a damn about. I just need a time out! I wish there was something like a time out in real life, I so dearly wish!
Someone told me today that I’m an ordinary girl,desperate for uniform, in my inbox. Yeah,great,that tells so much about you too! Plus even if I’m desperate, I don’t see myself drooling over your uniform, I want one for me, not a uniform clad husband for heaven’s sake! But telling an ass hole all this, wont turn him into a gentleman. And such a person douche-bag is not even worth my answer.
Anyway, I can’t say life isn’t good,perhaps its too good and I can’t appreciate it anymore. I need to see the good things in life that I used to notice before. I need to go back to the way I was not long before. I need to let go of this miserable and unsatisfied persona I keep carrying around with me. I need to live a little more!!!
May be,one of my aimless walks through the city would help me right now.
I should be moving, don’t wanna get late.

Until we meet again!

Diary Entry 132


Dear diary,
I dunno if I forgot to tell you that we have an evening semester this time with internship in the morning. Our department has totally gone crazy. We are getting piles and piles of assignments and presentations,some of them punishments for doing something and others,punishments for not doing something :-/ Seems like 3.5 years are enough to irritate the hell outta someone,or maybe our department people think so….
I’m this quiet,calm,collected and confident person outside, and inside, I’m totally freaking out!!! How am I supposed to get all the stuff done by the due date? Okay, fine, I know I can, if I put some effort but do I wanna put that effort? NO!!! I don’t wanna go outside my comfort zone even if its for the best. I don’t!
I don’t hate my department but I surely hate it’s people. Well, maybe Hate is too strong a word. Lets say, I don’t like them….I won’t be caught dead with them…. So I guess, it’s not really Hate :p
Sorry,I’m babbling again :/
It’s just that I don’t write very often any more and I totally miss it. So when I do, I tend to over talk a bit…..okay, a bit too much, but its okay I guess. It’s not hurting anyone and writing sets me free…..
My finals start on January 5,2015 and I’m kinda scared. No, things are not difficult but I’m so anxious these days. My internship date happens to be December 21,2014 and it wont really be useful for me in this semester but I’m gonna do it anyway, for experience. For the case reports, I’m glad that I went to CMH Sialkot when I did,for internship. It’s helping me a LOT.
And….. I miss my Psychologist! Right now, I’m missing her so much :/
Maybe, we’ll get to meet soon in sha Allah.
The only thing that keeps me going these days is the little bit of Qur’anic teachings that stayed with me. Especially the ayah in which Allah says that He never puts any burden on person who isn’t capable of bearing it. We are always judged with tests that are made with respect to our abilities. I guess, being in this university right now is my version of test. I’m just glad I don’t have too much time left here. And it also saddens me because I really loved the place and the “green buses”…. its only the people whom I don’t like and my dislike for them makes me bind sometimes and I think I hate my university. Th truth is, I don’t! If only there is some sort of dramatic change in our whole faculty,replacing old geysers(excuse my language, I’m not feeling really warm about my department people today :/ not proud of this word but I’m still gonna use it.) with brand new,more understanding staff members, it would be great, just about now!
Anyway, SIST 2015 is approaching way too quickly. I will have some days to memorize the required stuff after exams but I dunno how to feel about it just yet. I mean, I did mess up last time too…. I’m lucky that Allah still got me !st positions for both my categories. I’m not waiting for a miracle this time. I’m sure I will work hard when the time comes, in sha Allah.
That been said, I must leave now.

See you soon.
P.S:I know it would be soon(if life permits) because I’m most talkative in my exam season anxiety season 😉

Diary Entry 126


Dear diary,
I’ve been back for past whole week now. Every time I think of writing something here, I don’t. I’ve been watching lots of movies. Feel a little down today. Missed two of my classes. Eid and the holidays went in a blur. Not because the days went by too fast, but because I couldn’t focus on my family this time around. I was too engrossed into my own self that I kept getting irritated when people actually tried to have me participate in the activities going on around me.
I guess,somewhere this was bound to happen. Repercussions of stupid stunts that I keep performing. Oh no, I’m not ready to leave them anyway.
Dear diary, some time ago, something great happened. I was saved once again from making the biggest mistake of my life, by Allah(SWT). Sometimes, things that happen around me, make me realize that Allah loves me so much that He keeps me away from any harms. Anyway, it was a big lesson,of course. And as for a broken heart or something remotely resembling any negative emotions, I don’t have it. Never did,at least in the said matter. Its like I knew, I was ready for something bad to happen. When it happened, I did expect myself to be ready but I never expected myself to be so composed that I didn’t feel a thing. I’m happy that I finally have that much self restrain. I feel ready now,for any and every thing.
This semester is going better than I actually expected it to go, thanks to Allah again. I was supposed to have at least one clinical case by now. I have plenty but without their tests so still waiting for internship to actually start :/ Waiting for the good times to start again,soon.
Obsessed again. This time its an Indian song by Arijit Singh from the movie Creature.
Weather is cold again and NO,its not depressive this time. Yeah,I had someone last year with me through the tough days and this year I don’t really need anyone. I’ve grown out of such feelings. “What doesn’t kill you,makes you stronger!”
The cold weather now inspires me,calls to me….as if telling me there’s more to it than the apparent harshness. I wanna sit outside with a warm cup of decaf,listening to Arijit Singh songs and stare into the depths of the cool nights. Or long drive on empty roads a night,again Arijit Singh songs on….
Okay,by now,you probably guessed,I’m crushing on his voice :/ Its simply sweet. Like honey to the ears. Its kinda hard not to like. Its not real special but its never harsh on ears. So I love it. And his voice has an expression of its own. The the climaxes and downs say more than the lyrics. Its just amazing!
(Okay,I’m babbling now)
I better go. A good challenge has grasped my attention 😉
See you,whenever possible.

Chao!

Diary Entry:I’m still pissed off


Dear diary,
the day before yesterday I woke up with a start. It was some kind of dream that woke me,when it started to go too wrong. Then yesterday,I woke up with another bad dream. The day before, when I woke up,I felt down and bad. No such thing yesterday,alhamdulillah! But I’m still pissed,at so many things.
1st being my internet connection. Its been a pain in the ass for past some days and just to get it to work properly,I had to try different things,which included making space on my hard drive to refresh my windows,which by the way went wrong. And later during my classes I kept thinking about how to fix it and whom to ask for help. I kept worrying. Alien buddy might be a computer whiz kid,but asking for help there was out of question. So I knew by the end of my classes that I had to do it on my own,somehow. With a racing heart,that wanted to drop out of my chest, I started working on it. And for the very first time,installed windows on my lappie,without any assistance. But I didn’t have time to feel accomplished. My roomie passed some comment which almost made me breathe fire….. well,almost….if I was a dragon,she would’ve been a roasted chicken by now. Anyway, I yelled at my other roommate,more than once and decided that I must shut up before things…and by things I mean my anger,got too out of hand. And then I found something that gave me a laugh. Its not something decent but I still wanted to share it. So here it goes:

images
It helped me a little bit. I started writing this post yesterday and had to leave it in the middle because of my class time. Didn’t get a chance to complete it because I was in such a hurry to come back from class,get ready to come to my aunt’s place. Now I’m here,sitting all alone,writing this,when everyone else sleeps. Its a blessing to get some “Me-time” at my aunt’s place because its as rare as having family time in hostel. Anyway, my aunt and uncle are going for Pilgrimage on Sunday,which is a great news,of course. This means I finally get to meet my grandpa after a long time(He’ll be here to see her off).
My application for internship in Armed Forces Institute of Mental Health(AFIMH) has been forwarded to General Head Quarters(GHQ) for approval. Fingers crossed!
The more I see how things are in AFIMH,the more I miss my Psychologist and calm and quiet,non-crowded Department of Mental Health in CMH Sialkot.
*sigh*
Guess,I’m not a big city,crowd loving person after all. I just don’t know how would I work in such a suffocating environment here. I’d probably have to take it as a big challenge. That’s one way of actually getting through those days without suffocating myself half to death. But then again,I’m sure I’ll manage.
Anyway,Its late and I don’t wanna keep writing.

See Ya 🙂

Diary Entry 123


Dear diary,
yaaayyyy,I’m back!!! And that too,sooner than I thought I would be. Isn’t it great? 😀 Well,I should be studying right now,but people keep talking to me whenever I try to study and when my mood to study vanishes,people go too. Its annoying and sometimes frustrating too but there’s nothing I have been able to do about it from the past 2 days :/ My cousins,friends,class fellows,family and other people to whom I haven’t talked for ages. Seriously, people,you need to stop doing that :/
And here I am, doing exactly nothing. Well, if you count listening to nasheeds, writing here,chatting on cell And occasionally when I get a little window of respite, reading something related to my subject;in nothing. My days are about to grow into some kinda nightmare. Internship in the morning and classes in the evening. Yeah,it will be difficult to manage but I will do it anyway, somehow, I’m sure.
There’s a story I was writing about 6 months ago or so,that I left unfinished. Recently,I gave it a reading again,and actually loved it so much that I want to complete it after all. I asked some of my friends to give it a try too and they loved it too. Told me to complete it.
*sigh*
I wanna do it as soon as possible. But my routine til date,is so bad, I dunno when would I complete it. But I will.
Dear diary, I sometimes feel like there’s a higher purpose to my life. As if I’m not meant to cook,do laundries or dishes,raise children after tying the knot. In fact, I dunno for sure,if I was made for such routines. For one,I don’t trust men,no matter how good or great they seem. And then the problem of me not liking people easily,isn’t an easy one to get over :/ there are very rare chances of me liking a person in my very first encounter. How would I like someone enough to actually make up my mind to marry him,is beyond me. Mum doesn’t know that yet. She still keeps drilling me with “the” lecture on starting to learn how to make a house a home :/ Ma, seriously,for the Nth time,I don’t wanna learn how to cook. I hate cooking :/ ugh,I’m hungry now. Actually I feel like I have hypoglycemia right now :@ I should run to the kitchen n get something to eat or drink. I’m not done with you yet,dear diary but I have so much pending work to do and then have to sleep. So,I will see you,when I see you 🙂

Sayonara!

Diary Entry 122


Dear Diary,
I’m visiting my aunt’s place again. Seems like most of the time of this semester,I will be spending with her naughty,chatterbox kids. But I have come to love them so dearly. And we kinda,have grown closer. Even their little cousins look up to me and talk so animatedly with me. Yeah,the number of people who have started to take me as their role model is increasing day by day,even after me telling people not to do so. God save the Queen! I mean,taking me as a role model is kinda asking for trouble. I’m not that good a person. Ask people who have come to hate me or feel threatened by me. Yes,such people exist and they are increasing in number day by day. And whats even a bigger shocker is that they don’t even actually know me. Isn’t it great?! 😀 :/ Well,not really. I mean,I have awakened feelings of hatred or insecurity in people I don’t even know. And that too without trying.
So much has happened in these 3 past months. I met some very nice people and some tough loves 😉 I went for an unofficial kinda internship in CMH Sialkot and enjoyed every single moment of it. My Supervisor,a Psychologist and Captain by post, I have come to love her for her beautiful and helping personality. Working in the field,I actually came to care more for my patients than I thought possible. But being objective is so very much important. We, as professionals can’t become crutches for our patients. The occasional shoulder to cry on(metaphorically speaking),is okay. But the concentration MUST be on making them capable to stand on their own feet again. Yeah,well,that’s the tough part. Most patients have chances of becoming dependent on their therapists. We’ll,I’m sure I will learn to avoid that from happening.
I taught Tajweed to almost 25 people at home and had an excellent result alhamdulillah. My chest swells with pride when I listen to them read Qur’an so beautifully. I learned 2 Surahs(i-e Chapters) of Qur’an and half portion of another one. Yup,I’m so happy about it ^_^
Well,since I came back,so much has happened. From crappy moods over the worst timetable ever to discovering that I’m page admin for a womanizer in making…..you name it! But since I stopped caring, I have been a lot more happier with my life. And I have been demoted to editor status from manager of IIUI Memes. But that’s more than okay with me.
Sometimes, I feel like I should’ve been a breakup therapist. I dunno how,but people seem to cross paths with me,more often than not,while trying to deal with their post-breakup downs. And guess what,I’m always happy to help.
A girl from occupied Kashmir,contacted me after reading my blog posts. Its nice to sometimes see my readers ACTUALLY trying to talk to me back. Its so refreshing and I always look forward to it 😀
Oh,and before I go,I would like to get one a little bit more off my chest.
“A liar always sees liars in every person he sees or meets. While a positive person always sees positivity around him. What you chose to become is what you see in others.”
Anyway,I must go now.
Its so awesome to be able to write once again.
*sigh*
I always miss the feel!

Gutentag for now 😉